Author: harrisclyde@hotmail.com

Hi! My name is Harris Tucker. I live in Bay Robert's, NL with my beautiful wife, Lisa Kennedy Tucker and our two adorable children; Logan and Lauren.
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Diversity in Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy

I was sitting in Lauren’s psychologist’ office; stearing at the four walls as they were closing in upon me. But then my eyes fell on some words on the wall that spoke volumes to me. They were; “…our differences are not something to be tolerated, they are something to be celebrated”.

That got me thinking (that could be dangerous) about both our differences as compared to others who cannot relate to either of our disabilities. “Diversity meaning any dimension that can be used to differentiate groups and people from one another”. Mine being major depression and anxiety disorder. And Lauren’s being spastic quadriplegia cerebral palsy. Both being very diverse, yet in some ways a lot alike.

Both being alike in that; both disorders stem from the brain. CP being caused by brain injury or malformation that occurred just before or immediately after Lauren’s birth. And mine most likely from a genetic component which more than likely I inherited through birth.

We will both have to face our lives with a few more challenges than those without. But I believe the majority, if not all of us, have one challenge of one kind or another. Whether that being mentally or physically. My illness being a mood disorder, interferes with my ability to live a “happy” life. A one that I have to live above, inspite of the way I may feel or my mood may be. Just as Lauren will have to overcome so many obstacles and challenges. But she will not let her disability stop her from doing what she wants to do; she’ll just have to work a little harder than the rest.

But our differences will not define who we are. I am not my mental illness, nor is Lauren defined by her CP. We are much more than that. Life may be just a little more of a struggle for us but it will not stop us from living life to the best of our ability. It will certainly make us stronger people; despite our differences.

We will celebrate our differences and not tolerate them. Our differences are what makes us unique and special people. I have won more wars within me then most can only imagine. Lauren as become a celebrity around here, she is a princess and an inspiration to all who meet her. Our illnesses have impacted who we are but have not determined who we have become. And that we will celebrate, despite our diversity.

So, if you feel different, look different and are different; don’t look at it as a bad thing. It makes you the person you are, it opens up an whole new world that you would have never known otherwise. Do I wish we were both “normal”? No, because that would be living in a fantasy land not reality. All of us are diverse and let’s celebrate that. Our differences are what makes us all special and unique; “we are fearfully and wonderfully made”. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

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Stigma & Mental Illness

I have no idea where I come up with my blogs. You would think there were only a few issues to write about on the topic of mental illness. But they just keep flowing through my pencil; as fast as I can print on paper, the faster my brain tells me what to write. So hopefully I never get writer’s block.

I’ve eluded to stigma or stigmatized in several blogs but I think it deserves a post of its own. The stigma that surrounds mental illness is astounding and comes from all facets of life; even the person with a mental illness themselves.

Let’s begin by defining exactly what stigma is and its relation to mental health. Stigma is defined as “a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality or person”. For example; shame, disgrace, or humiliation. Stigma is a negative stereotype. Stigma is a reality for many people with a mental illness and “they report that how others judge them is one of their greatest barriers to a complete and satisfying life”.

The Canadian Mental Health Association stated that, “Mental illness can affect anybody, regardless of age, gender, culture, ethnicity or social class. But no matter who they are, people who have been diagnosed with a mental illness are all likely to experience stigma. Public attitudes and beliefs, often based on fear and misunderstanding, stereotype individuals with mental illness, exposing them to prejudice and discrimination. Stigma infects every issue surrounding mental illness, often with worse consequences than the illness itself. The World Health Organization declared stigma to be the single most important barrier to overcome in the community.”

Having said all of that, it’s time to get a little more personal and to express my own thoughts and experiences about stigma. Education and speaking out are two of the most important elements in breaking down the walls of stigma. For me personally I have well self-educated myself on the topic of stigma and my own mental illness. And I have most definitely spoken out and talked openly and publicly about my illness. I was guilty of stigmatizing myself because I had a mental illness. I was ashamed, afraid to go out in public or be around other people for fear of being looked down upon, belittled or looked upon as being different. But what I have come to realize is that we are all different, all unique and all have a mental illness (in one way or another); none of us are perfect. I now love sharing my story and talking about my mental illness, it as opened up an whole new world for me. Not an easy one but life is not always easy.

The Health Care System in this province is partially to blame for the stigma that surround this illness. From my own personal experience, the moment you walk in through the hospital doors, you feel different, you are treated different; you are stigmatized. The physiatric unit is usually isolated and in the basement or if not, the windows are locked shut with iron bars. And all units are locked down. A patient or a criminal? And here I was suffering from anxiety; what better way to push your anxiety through the roof. Our mental health system needs to be totally revamped. Is that going to happen anytime soon? I doubt it. The answer for now is to keep speaking out and let others be aware and become educated.

The media as played a role in the way mental illness is stigmatized. Often portraying someone with mental illness as being different or sometimes even dangerous. But I have also found that the media, especially today, are trying to break down the walls of stigma. For example, the Bell Aliant campaign; Lets Talk, has really educated and helped the general public to see mental illness in a new light. And this is what we need; more people talking openly about this issue.

Lastly, the Government of NL need to be held accountable. One very important way that the government itself can break down the walls of stigma is to totally demolish the Waterford Hospital. It screams; STIGIMA! And the building itself is falling down and delapitated. The halls have a ghostly aura about them. I remember when I was very ill and at the end of my resources, that I packed my bag, with the intention of being admitted; I didn’t know where else to turn. But sadly I was turned away because they said, “the Waterford was no place for me”. It would only make my anxiety worse. Now that speaks volumes to me. So I was sent home with a pill under my tongue. For me to want to be admitted, to such a place, meant I was desperate. But I left feeling there was no hope. What we need is a new hospital; a hospital that gives us hope. Without hope we will never heal.

We need a hospital with an environment that says, welcome, you are safe here,we are going to give you the help and support that you need and deserve. And not every illness cramped into a single room or wing. Someone dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc. placed on wings of the hospital that are less anxiety provoking; where patients are dealing with the same or similar issues. And other severe illnesses placed in a safe environment for them, based on the severity of their illness, not on wherever a bed is available. It doesn’t make sense herding all illnesses/disorders onto the same ward. You wouldn’t put a cardiac patient on a maternity ward, so why would you put someone with depression on a psychosis ward. Your diagnosis should determine where you are placed in the hospital. Also, if a school was as stigmatized and delapitated as the Waterford; would we send our children there? No, we would fight for a new school. Why then are we willing to send our loved ones to such a disgraceful building?

The name of the hospital itself needs to be changed: “The Waterford Hospital” shouts stigma and raises red flags right away. The first thought that comes to my mind is; “the looney bin”, that’s just how stigmatized the building is. So sometimes to break down the walls of stigma, we have to literally tear down the walls!

So, let’s get talking and break down the walls of stigma. I am not ashamed of my illness, no more then if I had any other form of illness. I am a real person, with a real illness and I wish to be treated no different. I will face life with my head held high and no one as the right to stigmatize or discriminate against me because I have a mental illness. Maybe tomorrow it could be you, never judge a book by it’s cover! Respect everyone!

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One of those days!!!

Everyone is entitled to have ‘one of those days’. I’m having mine… Reality is often the cruelest…some will see these pics and say, “how cute is that? Daddy holding her lovingly.” And he is. The reality is, Lauren can’t play with her friends unless there is an adult present to help her participate in the play as much as possible. Today, I find this to be so unfair and my heart is saying, “this is not ok!” Lauren thinks she can do whatever the others are doing. How do you respond to this? I want her to think that way, yet, reality cuts in. I keep praying for wisdom to someday make her thoughts become her reality. It’s just not so today…Mommy

I didn’t know Lisa was taking these pictures but while I was holding Lauren, I was doing therapy at the same time and thinking in my mind; there’s something not fair about this picture. God help us and strengthen us for the days ahead. It doesn’t get any easier.

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My Mental Health Update

Here I am years later from my worse relapse of my life and still struggling. I could say what people want me to say; “I’m doing great”, but that would not be the truth. I am all about being real. The truth is, I have come so far from where I was but not where I would like to be. My broken mind is still mending/healing. Then what encouragement would that be for someone experiencing major depression and anxiety disorder; I never give up! Sure, there are still days when I want to, but the battle rages on.

This may be my lot in life, I don’t know, I hope not. But if it is, I pray God would give me the grace to endure. But right now sunny days look a little brighter. I now have more urges to do things that last year I had no interest in. For example, going out in the garden gives me a form of pleasure. Going to the grocery store is not such a big deal anymore. And I’m doing much better socially, it still increases my anxiety but not as intense.

I still see my psychiatrist regularly. Right now I am doing group therapy for eight weeks. My medications have not changed and have been extended for another year. Also my psychiatrist does a form of therapy called Mindfulness; in a nutshell- being in the moment. I see my psychologist every 2-4 weeks; for mainly talk therapy. All of which help me to gradually restore me to some sense of mental health. And also gives me a sense of support whereby I feel I am not fighting this battle alone. So how ever long that is; I don’t know and I don’t know if anybody knows. My psychiatrist in St.John’s told me there was no cure for this disorder but I could eventually live a functioning life again. So if I take his advice this is something I will have to live with. If that’s the case, I will always have a struggle and will have to learn to adjust and accept my “thorn in the flesh”.

My therapist introduced me to a book that paralleled with my life experience with mental illness. “Man’s Search For Meaning” by Viktor E. Frankl. Dr. Frankl was a psychiatrist who was captured and sent to the Nazi death camps; one of which was Auschwitz. During which time he encountered suffering, harshness, starvation, cruelty and inhumane conditions that would break the spirit of any man. But Dr.Frankl said,”..life is meaningful and that we must learn to see life as meaningful despite our circumstances”.

So inspite of my suffering, mindful torment, life changes and loss; life still has meaning and purpose. This as been very hard for me to accept and work through. But as Dr.Frankl stated,”meaning is possible in spite of our suffering”.

So when I have days, like today, that are not so pleasant; I have to remind myself that my life still had meaning and purpose inspite of my suffering. I wish it were as easy as saying,”today is going to be a good day”. But my broken mind doesn’t work that way. It’s like someone with anorexia and saying to them; “all you have to do is eat. That’s not the way a broken mind works. I pray to God for all of us who suffer with any mental illness, that it were that easy. Dr.Frankl was asked what the meaning of his life was and one of his students answered for him,”The meaning of your life is to help others find the meaning of theirs”. May I be the same instrument to others, to find their way.

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Lauren’s “Time Out”

Take a Time-Out for Lauren!
These bath salts, made using Young Living pure lavender essential oil, makes a great treat after a long day. With Mother’s Day coming up, what a special gift for your mom!!
For just $7.00 a bottle, you can enjoy a relaxing time-out from life’s busyness and help support Lauren’s ongoing need for therapies, equipment, travel; all aiding her to develop to her fullest potential! Lavender oil is one of the most versatile essential oils. Get yours by private messaging me to arrange for pick up!

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Bitter or Better

It as always been my life goal to be a better person. Even in the midst of sickness, hurt, disappointment, times of despair, discouragement, death and loss. I have had many opportunities to become bitter.

But in the midst of all adversity; what good would bitterness serve? For me it would only make my situation worse. If I had to choose the easy way out; I would choose bitterness. But life is not about choosing the easy road, for its through the rough roads that we learn to be better people.

If I never experienced any hardships in my life, I would never know what strength and endurance I was capable of. For it was and is through the hard times that I grow; I become stronger, wiser, compassionate, humble and become more aware of the needs of others around me.

What benefits would I have gained if I chose to be a bitter person? None! Bitterness would have made me an angry, negative, unfeeling and unloving person. So everyday I have to rise above bitterness and choose to be a better person.

Being a better person does not come easy, it requires hard work, discipline and focus. I have to find beauty amidst all the everyday challenges that would cause one to become bitter. To see the beauty in the little things and most of all to find gratitude and be thankful for life’s simpler blessings.

I have found true meaning in life by not measuring my happiness by what I possess materialisticly, my job doesn’t define who I am or who I am not and my bank account is not a measuring tool for my self worth. True meaning is defined by our happiness from within; inspite of tradegy, lack of materialism, joblessness, sickness, loss and death. Life can still have meaning and purpose, despite our situations.

A good example of or living testimony to the power of the human spirit is by a man named Jerry Long. He found meaning and happiness in life despite his situation. Jerry had been paralyzed from his neck down since a diving accident which left him a quadriplegic. I’m quoting him; “I view my life as being abundant with meaning and purpose. I broke my neck, it didn’t break me. I believe that my handicap will only enhance my ability to help others. I know that without the suffering, the growth that I have achieved would have been impossible.” What an amazing testimony that I pray one day will be mine. I’m a work in progress!

My own illness and Lauren’s disability have rendered me helpless and hopeless many times. But I am learning every day to find meaning and purpose through it all. It’s a long journey but I will find my way; in spite of it all. I will become that;”Better Person”.

“..that my trials come to only make me strong”.

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Applause For Easter Seals!


I remember so clearly, as a little girl, getting Easter seals come in the mail. At that time, I could not have realized the importance that this non-profit organization would have in my life. 
There are so many worthy charities that depend on our giving in order to carry out their programs. I now have to promote those dearest to us.
Yesterday, after returning a sample Walker to the Janeway because it is not suitable for Lauren, I felt defeated because they had few other options on site. The ‘Cadillac’ Walker that Lauren could benefit most from for school, will run us anywhere from $5000 to $8000. 
Not doable right now… So off we went to the storage room of donated walkers at the Easter Seals. Because people kindly donate equipment, once it’s outgrown by some other precious child, we were able to take home a basic frame Walker that we will try our best to use with Lauren until other options open up. 
The Easter Seals provide so much for our children with all kinds of disabilities and sometimes it’s easy to overlook this special building nestled in Mount Scio. Please remember that every donation to them, in turn, benefits children like Lauren, allowing them access to camps, sports and fun events that ensure they are all TRULY included, not just on paperwork!
A big thank you to the friendly staff and supporters of the Easter Seals, for all you do for those with disabilities, including my precious Lauren!! 

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Rants & CP

To rant, to get heard, to be heard; for your voice to reach the ears of the people who really need to hear what you have to say. How do I do that? The question remains and I don’t know where to start. But I have to start here; I have to start somewhere. Someone has to listen.

Before we had children, I would never have even contemplated or even recognize the issues that I am about to address. But since we were blessed with two beautiful children, I now have reason and purpose to make their world a better place to live. And thus I begin with my frustrated and feeling of hopeless concerns. But I will voice them none the less. Whether they fall on deaf ears or not; I will have done my part.

As parents of a special needs child we are exhausted, not complaining but stating a fact. It’s taken a tole on us in every area of our lives; financially, mentally, emotionally, our marriage, our social life and family life. I am on long term disability(CPP) due to my illness and Lisa as had to take a leave of absence from her job due to high stress. We have only a limited amount of strength, endurance, and stability before we crush under the immense levels of stress. No one knows what’s involved unless they walk in our shoes. We need supports but they are very few. Any government programs for support; we have been denied. So what do we do? I have no idea! It’s so easy for well-wishers, and I thank them, to offer their prayers but sometimes faith without works is dead. I am so grateful for prayers but there still remains the reality of “what is”. Lauren requires 24/7 assistance. That means one of us as to be with her around the clock. Can our marriage survive this? I hope so! There is basically zero time for us as a couple. And that is so sad because we are falling apart. Lauren does attend a Daycare for three “part-time” days a week. That gives us a little break, but financially we can’t do more. We are human and doing everything possible to make our lives as “normal” as possible, but sometimes we fall beneath the load we carry. This is not a pity party but reality of what is.

For those of you who have not experienced life with a child who requires assistance to access a public building; you probably will never understand to the fullest extent of our frustration with accessibility. Our province as implemented an accessibility requirement for all public buildings with some exemptions (www.servicenl.gov.nl.ca). It as been my experience since our little girl who is four on March 31,2017; that these requirements are far from enforced. The frustration that we have entailed on trying to enter a building using a wheelchair is beyond my belief. It should be common courtesy for a business owner or any public building to provide wheelchair accessibility. And thus make us all feel like we belong, accepted, and welcomed. Let’s all do our part to make this world a better and more accessible place to live, with no exemptions. I have voiced my concerns to several business owners with minimal feedback. It’s not my intention to ruffle feathers but to open hearts.

This next issue is not even into existence yet and I’m frustrated/concerned already. Integration into the classroom; equality and equal opportunity for all students? For example, if a disabled child is qualified for a full time assistant, does that mean she will get that full time assistant? Definitely not! If Lauren qualifies for a full time assistant it’s her right to have one, but that’s not how the system works. I hope you can prove me wrong for her sake. But all too often a child coming into the classroom in a wheelchair is looked upon as having a physical disability and thus must be cognitively delayed as well and are often treated that way. It’s already been pointed out to us that Lauren as to get more acquainted to being in her wheelchair because that’s where she’s going to be for school. Well that is not where Lauren is going to spend her day; in her wheelchair. Right now Lauren mainly uses her “chair” for transportation purposes. If we are at the table, she is at the table in her highchair with us as a family. If we are on the floor; Lauren is on the floor with us. She also has a charries chair for when she’s at her play table. There is a variety of options that she can avail of rather than confined to a wheelchair. We are so thankful for her Daycare, she is treated no different then any of the other kids and is much included into whatever activities the other children are involved in. And this is the way it’s going to be in school, if this is not the case, then Daddy will be going to school with her to make sure she gets every opportunity that she deserves. And maybe the media can come to school with Daddy; that would be great! All too often a child requiring a student assistant doesn’t always get the full attention of that assistant. Much too often the student assistant time is spread out over several students. What happens if one of those students need to go to the washroom and there is no assistant available? They wait and sometimes run out of times. When other kids are having playtime on the floor, that child is left in their wheelchair. Lauren will not be left in her chair; she is to be treated like the rest of the children and will play on the floor. As with most activities that she can do, she will do! Lauren may have a physical disabilitybut she does not have a cognitive disability and will be treated as so.

The Janeway as a children’s hospital. First of all, what we see through the media does not always paint a true picture. Much too often the media only show you what they want you to see.Before we had children, my view of the Janeway was only inspired by what the media portrayed and that was glamorous. Now that I have an inside scoop, things look so much different. Compared to other children’s hospitals we fail to meet the mark, we fall short of what our children deserve. The environment itself certainly not all that child friendly. A sticker here and a mural there; ever so often. If you just walk through the hospital it won’t take long to view the somewhat dilapidated structure. We fail to meet up to the high standards that other hospitals have taken. One small area, just as an example, I have noticed is the recreation room. The toys and contents are from Noah’s Ark: a visit to Toys R’Us would be a welcomed sight. This to me would seem like such a basic need and affordable considering all the fundraising, especially through the Janeway Telethon. It would be interesting to see where the money is going. Lauren is now in need of a walker, you would think the Janeway would have such needed equipment in abundance. Sadly to say, no that is not the case. We have run into this problem time and time again. We were told the reason is there is limited space to store such needed equipment; poor planning on someones part! Who suffers? Our children. Our thanks go out to the outstanding doctors, specialist, etc. for their continued support. But to be considered, nothing but the best for our children; we have not yet reached our goal.

Lauren requires much needed equipment; none of which is available to us through government funding, nor through the Janeway Hospital. All her needs can only be met through fundraising. To me this does nothing for your self esteem, self worth, or self confidence. But you do what you have to for your children. We have applied to several government support programs; only to be denied. And therefore the only way to purchase equipment is through fundraising, family and friends support. And for that we will be forever grateful.

So you see, nothing comes easy. Every challenge is a battle. If you don’t fight for your rights; you have none. There are days when you get so tired of fighting but fight you must! And as long has there is breath in this body; I will fight for Lauren and Logan. I am not speaking negatively to any of these issues that concern me but I speak realistically to the way things are. I wish we never had to fight any battles, we are already exhausted from everyday challenges of raising a special child. I know the only people that will fully “get” what I’m saying are parents that share our common bond. If you are reading this and don’t get it; then be thankful for the life you have and may you never have to “walk” in Lauren’s shoes.