Author: harrisclyde@hotmail.com

Hi! My name is Harris Tucker. I live in Bay Robert's, NL with my beautiful wife, Lisa Kennedy Tucker and our two adorable children; Logan and Lauren.
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It’s Okay To Not Be Okay

Yes, I have a mental illness and yes, I’m struggling. I’m not okay but it’s okay not to be okay. When you have a mental illness it’s like you are walking on thin ice and at any moment you are going to fall through and drown.

With life there comes so many challenges and facing those challenges when you are well or may I say, ‘normal’ can be tough. But when you struggle with your mental health these challenges can be a trigger; a trigger that can invade your already fragile mind. And God knows I have had my share of challenges and triggers over the pass few months. Let me share with those of you who are struggling, to those who find this joyous season, not so joyous. In reality, life is certainly not an Hallmark movie but sometimes life can throw hurdles at us that can easily break us and leave us overwhelmed, hopeless and alone. There’s a quote I thought worth mentioning, “The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about”. And believe me, in my lifetime with mental illness I have won many battles that others know nothing about.

Maneuvering through life’s triggers (meaning an event or situation that can ‘cause’ to happen or exist) that can attack our mental health and impede our ability to function, to feel and to thrive; can be all consuming. When our mental health gets to this point then what we are dealing with is more then poor mental health but a debilitating mental illness.

Personally, today, what I have learned in order to survive this illness is to know my boundaries. I know I can’t do what I could prior to my 2012 mental breakdown, and no it’s not just about my age but more about my ability to cope mentally. So, yes, I have to put boundaries in place; I know what my limits are. I know when to say, ‘no’ and make no apologies. We have to be gentle with ourselves and do what’s best for us and our own mental health. Self awareness and self care go hand in hand when it comes to attaining good mental health. Being aware of our triggers and doing what we have to do to overcome them is crucial in maintaining a functioning level of living.

There’s a simple concept that many people don’t get when it comes to mental health and mental illness; everyone has mental health, but not everyone has a diagnosis involving a mental illness. When we talk about mental health, we’re talking about our mental well-being; our emotions, our thoughts and feelings. In 2019, 1 in 8 people worldwide lived with a mental health condition, a mental illness, a mental disorder. Depression and anxiety disorders were the most common.

You can experience a low mood without living with depression or be anxious without having an anxiety disorder. We need to realize that being anxious (a natural human emotion that we all have) is not an anxiety disorder. A disorder affects your ability to function in your everyday life. A mental illness is largely affected by genetics and brain chemistry, things that are out of our control. Whereas our mental health is largely within our control.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, ‘people that struggle with a mental illness are dealing with not just normal everyday anxiety and low mood but an intensified disorder that limits us from functioning properly in our everyday lives.’

The brain is said to be the most complex organ of the human body. Scientists and the medical field have yet so much to learn. I have lived with mental illness for all my life and yet after all those years, I still have so much to learn. It’s my goal in life to keep learning and to keep educating others; to help us understand, to de stigmatize this so misunderstood disorder of the brain.

If you are struggling today, you are not alone; I get it! Never give up! One day, one hour and sometimes; one minute at a time. And remember there is an higher power, someone that watches over us, He’s walking this journey with us. That is how I have survived thus far and will keep going. May we all find the peace that this season brings.

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The Face of Chronic Depression

My day began with me feeling empty, I felt nothing, yet I felt everything. I was numb with pain, not physical pain but the pain from the battlefield of my mind. Yes I have struggled with chronic depression all my life and yes I’m struggling today and no it really doesn’t go away. Some days the pain/the struggle is unbearable and the last few weeks have been just that; unbearable. I want it to stop, but it is relentless, it won’t let me go. There is just no escaping this hell from within my mind.

Just what is going on within my mind? Well, depression is often described as a chemical imbalance in the brain. Your brain chemicals or neurotransmitters, are not at the levels they should be to maintain a positive/feel good/happy mood. The neurotransmitters that affect how we feel are serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine. When our brain is producing too much or not enough of these chemicals then our mood is greatly effected and thus we suffer depression and other mood disorders.

I knew from a very early age that there was something not quite right within my brain and by saying that, I don’t mean I was crazy, quite the opposite really. I had to fight to be okay, it didn’t come naturally; I had an illness; pure and simple. The sad part about having a mental illness was that there was so little known about it. Which led to much misunderstanding, ignorance, stigma, prejudice and judgment. The same is somewhat true today but at a lesser degree. And I guess that’s why I keep writing about my experience with mental illness; so people can have a better understanding of what this illness is. It’s an opportunity for me to give my illness, chronic depression and anxiety disorder, a face. And hopefully to give to those who are suffering in silence – a voice. It is a fact that 15% of people with chronic depression die by suicide. But this fact as to change, there is hope, there is a purpose in living no matter how painful it can be at times. We all matter!

No matter how I’m feeling today, I have to pray that tomorrow will be better, the pain will subside no matter how hopeless I may feel. And believe me, fighting this illness every day can wear you down to the point where you just want it all to stop, to end. I wish there was a magic pill; but there’s not. So I guess I will take it one day , one hour and some days, one minute at a time.

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Where Is God In All This Suffering?

Ever since our return from Montreal, after Lauren’s surgery, I have experienced an overwhelming sense of depression that I can’t seem to shake. Depression is so disabling, so cruel, so unexplainable, so isolating. But yet I have suffered so many years with this crippling disorder. So often I have asked the question. “Where is God in all this suffering?” In this blog I’d like to answer this question to the best of my ability, to try and make sense to suffering. Especially when it comes to such a loving God.

To begin with I need to clarify that I don’t have the answer, not really, I can’t speak for God; God is all knowing, He is omniscient. Who am I? I am mortal – I am subject to death. I am not equal to God, God is sovereign; He is supreme, He has power over all things. Isaiah 55:8-9 sums it up best, “For  my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Therefore I can only speak about what my own thoughts and experiences are when it comes to this subject.

With my own illness I could never understand what good could come of this. It done more harm than good from what I could see. And then there was so much in this world that I couldn’t understand. For example, world hunger, wars, earthquakes, floods, poverty, homelessness, cancer, disease, suicide, the loss of a child, the death of a spouse and the list could go on. Was God the blame or the answer to all of this chaos and unfairness? I think we need to remember that we live in a fallen world, and we experience the effects of the fall. One of those effects is injustice and seemingly senseless suffering and unfairness. But as Christians we know that in this life we will have suffering and experience pain. John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble.” But also we must remember that this life is not the end but the beginning of everlasting life for those who believe. Revelation 21;4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’

Sometimes I just have to remember that I don’t always have to know the why to my suffering. Sometimes I just have to trust and let God do the rest. Romans 8:18&28, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him.”

There is one thing I have learned in all this suffering is that it has allowed me to help others who are experiencing similar situations. 2 Corinthians 1;3-4 says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles/’sufferings’, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

I hope I have in some small way helped you to better understand why we sometimes suffer and experience loss. God definitely comforts us in our pain, suffering and loss. Hebrews 4:15 “For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feelings of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” Again God says in 2 Kings 20:5 “I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears.” So when we are in the midst of despair, grief, pain and loneliness; God sees us, God hears us, God loves us!

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When Life Gets Tough

The morning arrives as I sit on my bed with my thoughts. Not always a good place for me to be; alone with my thoughts. In reality, I do have a lot to think about, to process, life is tough. Sometimes I wonder where the strength comes from, it’s certainly not my own, if it were I would have given up a long time ago. But I have to believe there is someone greater then I am, someone who watches over us, especially in the storm, especially in the tough times.

I feel I have to reiterate some of the storms that we have encountered and are still experiencing to this present day. I don’t share this for no other reason then to encourage those who are experiencing their own tough times and to show us just how resilient we really are. Even in times when we think we are going to crumble beneath the load. “We can do ALL things through Him who strengthens us.” And that is the extent of my preaching, enough said, that verse from Philippians 4:13 says it all.

The morning began with me feeling totally exhausted, not just tired but exhausted. Life has certainly sucked every ounce of energy from my body it seems. And it seemed that there was no amount of sleep that could alleviate my exhaustion. Then to add “insult to injury”, I started to scroll down through Facebook, big mistake in the best of times. Facebook can be a blessing at times but then it can also be a curse. And this morning it lead me down a path that I should not have taken. Not that I am envious or jealous but all I saw were everyone enjoying summer, travelling, leisure, relaxing, etc. Really the way summer should be. But I wasn’t feeling it. How could I when we were experiencing the complete opposite? And no I am not throwing a ‘pity party’, I am saying it like it is, it’s our reality. We have experienced more sickness, uncertainty, struggles and hardships then I care to remember. I have certainly been forced to look to God to try and make sense of it all, to find the purpose. And believe you me, I had to look deep. Trying to find the light in the darkness, the calm in the storm. In my human thinking I could make no sense of anything. Why was Lauren born with Cerebral Palsy? Why did I have to struggle every day with a depressive disorder? Why did Lisa have to endure four life threatening experiences? Why did life have to be so tough? Why? Why? Why?

The whys are just too many today and there are going to be days like that for all of us I’m sure. In my finite mind and my mortal being I will probably never know all the answers to life’s whys. The song says, “We’ll talk it over in the by and by. I’ll ask the reasons, He’ll tell me why, when we talk it over in the by and by.”

So I guess I will trust and wait. 1 Cor. 15:53 “For this corruptible must put on incorruption and this mortal must put on immortality.” So on that day when Christ returns, we shall be changed and then I won’t need to ask the reason why, this mortal will become immortal and we shall be like Him. So if you have questions that you have no answers to, trust that He knows and we will to on His return. 1 Thess. 4:16-17 “For the Lord Himself will come down from Heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. What an amazing hope that we have.

I said I wasn’t going to preach and I am not really, I am not a preacher. I am someone who finds much hope, peace and encouragement in the promises of Jesus. It is what gives me the strength to go on; even when life gets tough.

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Lauren’s Continuing Journey

July 3, 2023. Yesterday was quite the busy day but a successful one. Lauren’s Fundraiser Market may have been a lot of work but I think it was worth it. Sometimes you do what you have to do in order to make it. It was pretty exhausting just the same, especially having to leave for Montreal the next morning. But here we are, boarded our plane, waiting for takeoff.

Lauren’s journey begins. It was only a few weeks ago that we were in Montreal for Lauren’s trial surgery for her baclofen pump, which was quite successful. So now we are going back to have the pump permanently placed inside her abdomen. It’s bitter sweet really, we hate having to put her through yet another surgery but we know that this surgery will give her a better quality of life, less pain, less spasticity and better function overall.

The journey itself; from getting here to there, is very difficult on all of us. But I guess you do what you have to do, it’s not like we have a choice and really we would do whatever it takes to protect both our children. So it’s, Montreal here we come, for about the millionth time it seems.

July 6,2023. Here we are sitting in the waiting room of The Sick Kids Hospital in Montreal. Lauren just went into the OR for what’s to be a 3 hrs and twenty minutes surgery. The worry, anxiety and a million different emotions run through your mind. There are no words to really describe how you feel, you just wait.

It’s 12:50 pm, Dr Farmer just returned from the OR and came to the waiting room to speak to us. You literally freeze for a moment in time. The surgery went well and he was very pleased. What a relief! Now we are waiting for her to get settled into recovery and then we can see her. Needless to say, we can’t wait.

My cellphone notifies me of a text. It’s the recovery room, telling us that Lauren is now ready to see us. She’s still asleep when we get there. Only a few minutes later and she starts to move her eyes and she’s awake! Oh my, I wish I could trade places with her; I would. So hard to watch her lying flat on her back once again. But she really is a trooper; courageous and brave, a warrior princess for sure. So now the next leg of her journey begins…..

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My Mental Health Update

It seems like forever since I wrote about my mental health/illness/disorder. I guess that there’s so much else going on that there as been little time to write. But today I’m sitting on a flight to Montreal with not much else to do. So I guess this time gives me the opportunity to do a little mental health update.

Most days I must say are fairly well, I have certainly improved since moving to CBS. Not that life as gotten any easier but I think I’m at a different stage of my recovery. Notice I said, ‘recovery’ not cure. I know my diagnosis is a chronic, clinical depression and anxiety disorder to which there is no cure. By recovery I am referring to a more functioning level whereby I am in more control of my illness then it is in control of me. I guess you could say the tables have turned to some degree. This has certainly not happened overnight but over months of hard work, therapy and self discipline. I have had to work intensely in every area of my life; physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and psychologically. Finding a balance in life and not forgetting about my own self care. Sometimes in our lives we forget to take care of ourselves when we are so busy taking care of everyone else. This is not at all being selfish but realizing that in order to take care of others we have to take care of ourselves first.

It was probably about a year since I had a panic attack, what I would call a full blown panic attack; the kind that frightens you to death. It happened on our last trip to Montreal, during Lauren’s trial baclofen surgery. I was abruptly awakened from my sleep at about 5am by shear panic, the kind that puts you into a fight or flight response and I was in flight mode. I just wanted to run but run where I had no idea. I tried to talk myself through it but it was not working, which only made the attack to escalate. I knew I had to do something and fast, so I jumped into a cold shower. And believe it or not, it really did redirect my thoughts and reduced my panic tremendously. But thankfully I have not had another one since that night. And that’s the scary thing about panic attacks; you never know when one can strike and how long it can last.

Right now I am so thankful that I am doing as well as I am. And I will take what I can get and enjoy the good days to the fullest, live in the moment as best I can, the past is gone and the future is not here.

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Lauren’s Next Journey

“When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer” Little did I realize when I posted this quote by Corrie Ten Boom, to my Facebook page, that it wouldn’t be long after that my trust would be put to the test. Trust isn’t something that I do easily. To trust is to put your firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something, now that is not easy to do.                                                                                                                                                                                                          A good example of trust would be; when we go for surgery and  are about to be put to sleep, you have no choice but to put your full trust into the medical team that they will do everything humanly possible to perform a successful surgery. Are we guaranteed beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything will go fine? No we are not! But we have to trust that it will. So we have to willfully surrender our very lives to the medical professionals and hope that all will go well. TRUST!

Just after I posted that quote, Lisa’s phone rang. Now it’s been months that we have been waiting for a call from the Shriners Hospital for Children in Montreal. The purpose of this call would be to notify us of a time when Lauren’s surgery would be taking place. The surgery itself would be the first of two, the other which would depend on the success of the first and would be done at a later date. This first surgery would be a trial surgery to determine if a baclofen pump would be suitable for Lauren. The actual baclofen pump implantation is a surgical procedure performed to permanently implant a pump that delivers baclofen to the spinal fluid to treat Lauren’s severe spasticity and dystonia that is refractory to oral medication in Lauren’s case.

I knew by the look on Lisa’s face, what this call was all about. As much as we were anticipating this call, you can never prepare yourself for it. We knew that this was just the beginning of another long journey that we so didn’t want to put Lauren through again. The call confirmed that Lauren’s surgery would take place on June 7th. You see, Lauren has already endured more pain in her short life, then most adults experience in a lifetime. Where is the fairness in this? Why do we have to expose her to this trauma once again? Why can’t God just release her of this horrible disease? Didn’t He say, “Suffer the little children to come to me and forbid them not…”? So many whys! Not a lot of answers. I believe we are well into our right to question. Who in their right mind would want to expose their child to pain?

But yet there are no other alternatives, no other choices! So we are left to, TRUST! Trust that the medical field know what is best for Lauren and that God knows best. Both of which require us to surrender our trust and faith into someone outside ourselves. Placing Lauren’s life into the hands of someone else other then our self. Now, that my friend,  is not easy to do. Being a Christian doesn’t make that decision any easier, doesn’t mean that we can’t question, and have concerns and worries. After all, we are human and God totally understands. Jesus himself questioned God when He said, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ WHY?

In spite of our human weakness, we realize we have to trust, once again, into an higher power.  For without trusting, what are we left with? Nothing, no hope, nothing. So we will trust and pray that everything goes well and this surgery will give Lauren a little better quality of life. It’s all we can ask for.

 

 

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I’m A Christian And I Suffer From A Mental Illness

I’m a Christian and I suffer from a mental illness. Many would say, ‘but how can that be?’ Aren’t Christians suppose to have it all together when it comes to their mental health? No they are not, there are no exemptions, just as we suffer from physical illnesses, we also may suffer from mental illness. We need to realize that mental illness is NOT a spiritual battle but an ILLNESS. And once we come to this knowledge we break down the walls of stigma, judgment and condemnation; which so prevalently surround someone who suffers from mental illness and who profess to be a Christian. We can live a Christian life and yet suffer from a mental illness. I am testimony to that fact. And I am not ashamed to admit that I still suffer from major depression and anxiety disorder.

Because I have something wrong mentally does not mean it affects me spiritually, no more than there would be something wrong spiritually if I had heart disease. To the contrary really; because of my suffering I depend on an higher power to strengthen me and guide me through each day. I have come to realize that there are things in my life that I cannot control and it is those things that I release and surrender to God. I realize that not all our sickness, whether mentally or physically, are healed. He did NOT promise us a life without trials and tribulation. But He DID promise that when we do, that He would be by our side, He would be in the storm with us. Isaiah 43:2 states it so clearly, “When you pass through the waters (and we will), I WILL BE WITH YOU; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” He’s saying that when we pass through the waters, the rivers and walk through the fire; that He will be with us. And that is how I have endured the flames that mental illness has brought into my life; He has walked with me, every step of the way. Even in those times when I felt I was drowning in the floods of depression and felt that God was nowhere to be found; He was and is still there!

Many would also say, “but doesn’t the bible say in Philippians 4:6, Be anxious for nothing…” Yes it surely does say that. But anxiety disorder is completely different from everyday anxiousness. Most anxiety disorders can cause such distress that it interferes with our ability to lead a normal life. This type of disorder is a serious mental illness which can be disabling. Anxiety disorders include panic attacks, social anxiety, phobias and generalized anxiousness. If we as Christians could see this again as an illness, then there would be no need for us to feel guilty or ashamed and want to hide our illness but would talk about it openly and without judgment.

But sadly, even in 2023, many Christians hide their illness and the way they are truly feeling for fear of being misjudged, stigmatized and treated as being ‘different’. When in reality we are normal, ordinary people who are suffering and hurting from a mental illness. If you are one of those Christians who are suffering in silence, be assured that you are loved, understood and cared for by an Heavenly Father who is ‘touched by the feelings of our infirmities’. He will never leave us or forsake us!

In conclusion I would like to quote an excerpt from my book, “Beyond The Door – A Journey Through A Lifetime Of Mental Illness.” (Available on Amazon.ca). “For centuries, the Church has often looked upon mental illness as a spiritual battle; good vs. evil. It is not a character flaw, a weakness, a lack of faith, or an unworthy relationship with God.” It is what it is, in reality, mental illness is just that, an “ILLNESS”. And yes I am a Christian and I also have a mental illness!

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Let’s Talk

Mental health matters and so does each person with a mental illness. We are not  alone, 1 in 5 Canadians suffer from a ,mental illness of some form or another, I believe that over the past few years, especially during Covid, that we are in a mental health crisis. Mental illness has no respect of persons, no one is exempt, no one! Mental illness has touched the lives of all of us, whether that being ourselves directly or someone we know.

Today is “Bell Let’s Talk” day. So, let’s talk! My name is Harris Tucker and I suffer from a mental illness! I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide; I have an illness, it’s that simple. No need to be stigmatized, no need to be misunderstood, no room for prejudice, no need to feel alone. This is why I have talked about my illness with openness, transparency and truth; hiding nothing. My advocacy for mental illness can be found on my website at www.harrislisa72.com and also through my book, “Beyond The Door, My Journey Through A Lifetime Of Mental Illness”, available through Amazon.ca. It’s through both of these avenues that I have shared my story, my life and my experiences with;  major depression and anxiety disorder. Bell’s campaign, ‘Let’s Talk’ certainly motivates us all to share our story. How else will others know and understand what mental health is all about, if we don’t  talk about it?  So let’s talk and talk some more, let’s never stop talking. And eventually the walls of stigma will come down and all those who are suffering, will suffer in silence no more but will talk of their illness has free has talking about any physical illness.

In the last few months I have worked on my mental health so intently because if I didn’t I would once again end up in that dark hole with no end in sight. I have to give some credit for my improvement to my medical team; my family doctor, my psychiatrist and therapist who have so caringly given me the tools and encouragement that I needed to get to where I am today, which is a much better place. A place where I can find some light, a place of hope and a reason to love myself and live, in spite of my  mental illness. It’s been a long journey back to a form of recovery, I know I’m not cured, there is no cure, but I am so thankful to be able to say that I am at a better place then I have been in years. And much appreciation also goes to my family and my heavenly Father who have walked this journey with me and have never left me and I’m sure will continue to walk with me.

I am especially drawn to those who suffer with depression and anxiety because I know how they feel, I get it. I have been where they are. But I want to tell you now; no matter how dark the day – there is light, no matter how hopeless you feel – there is hope, and no matter how worthless you feel – you matter, you are worthy! Just hang in there; after the darkness comes the dawn. The light will shine again!! I know because I have been there!

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Tomorrow Will Be Better

I can’t believe that today is December 1st and before we know it it’ll be Christmas once again. Time seems to fly no matter what. It only seems like yesterday that I wrote my last blog entitled, ‘ A Relapse?’ I have hesitated to write an update to that blog simply because I wonder: why? Why bother, why take the time to write, why make my illness an open book for all to see and read? And in so doing opening myself up to judgement by others, being stigmatized, misunderstood and exposed to much prejudice by those who don’t understand or just don’t care to understand. But then I remind myself, I do this to help others, especially for those who suffer in silence, to those who don’t have a voice because it’s through speaking out and sharing our own experience with mental illness that others will begin to understand and break down the walls of stigma. So here I am again with an update on my mental health status after my relapse.

A couple of months ago I realized I was relapsing when I started having panic attacks, I lost interest in doing anything that once brought me such joy, not only did I lose interest, but I lost the motivation to do them. These were sure signs that I was rapidly spiraling down a dark hole, a place that I could not visit again. So began the hard work of keeping myself from going any deeper into this dark hole. I was determined to fight this beast with every ounce of strength that I have in me.

In my last blog I introduced you to my plan of attack. First I had to admit and realize that I needed help and I had to reach out to others who could support or give me direction I needed to take to overcome. My family doctor, my psychiatrist and therapist gave me the tools I needed, now it was up to me to do the work and work I did!

Once the kids were off to school, my work began. No matter how cold it was outside, I pushed myself out the door and went for a 30 minute walk. Now to those who are well this doesn’t seem like much but to me this seemed like a mountain, a marathon. I also practiced mindfulness and meditation throughout the day; I constantly reminded myself to stay in the moment. This also may seem easy to do but for me, it was near impossible but I had to do it. It’s now been about six weeks since I started my uphill journey to getting well and by well I don’t mean cured; I wish! By well I mean being able to feel in control of my mental illness and not the other way around. There’s nothing more scary then feeling you are not in control of your own well being and life. I have already accepted the fact that I have a chronic illness, not unlike any chronic physical illness, where both need constant medical attention.

Today I’m feeling hopeful, I haven’t had a panic attack in about two weeks. I know I have a long way to go but I find hope in the little things; each small improvement is a milestone for me. So it is with great determination that I keep moving forward and upward. That I make the best of each day, one day at a time, weather that be a good day or a bad day. If you are struggling today, don’t give up, keep fighting, tomorrow will be better!