My day began with me feeling empty, I felt nothing, yet I felt everything. I was numb with pain, not physical pain but the pain from the battlefield of my mind. Yes I have struggled with chronic depression all my life and yes I’m struggling today and no it really doesn’t go away. Some days the pain/the struggle is unbearable and the last few weeks have been just that; unbearable. I want it to stop, but it is relentless, it won’t let me go. There is just no escaping this hell from within my mind.
Just what is going on within my mind? Well, depression is often described as a chemical imbalance in the brain. Your brain chemicals or neurotransmitters, are not at the levels they should be to maintain a positive/feel good/happy mood. The neurotransmitters that affect how we feel are serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine. When our brain is producing too much or not enough of these chemicals then our mood is greatly effected and thus we suffer depression and other mood disorders.
I knew from a very early age that there was something not quite right within my brain and by saying that, I don’t mean I was crazy, quite the opposite really. I had to fight to be okay, it didn’t come naturally; I had an illness; pure and simple. The sad part about having a mental illness was that there was so little known about it. Which led to much misunderstanding, ignorance, stigma, prejudice and judgment. The same is somewhat true today but at a lesser degree. And I guess that’s why I keep writing about my experience with mental illness; so people can have a better understanding of what this illness is. It’s an opportunity for me to give my illness, chronic depression and anxiety disorder, a face. And hopefully to give to those who are suffering in silence – a voice. It is a fact that 15% of people with chronic depression die by suicide. But this fact as to change, there is hope, there is a purpose in living no matter how painful it can be at times. We all matter!
No matter how I’m feeling today, I have to pray that tomorrow will be better, the pain will subside no matter how hopeless I may feel. And believe me, fighting this illness every day can wear you down to the point where you just want it all to stop, to end. I wish there was a magic pill; but there’s not. So I guess I will take it one day , one hour and some days, one minute at a time.