harrisclyde@hotmail.com

October 11, 2017

My Outlook On Life After My Last Severe Relapse Of A Total Mental Breakdown.

How has my traumatic experience affected my overall perception of life? It has certainly changed it in a more positive way. I now look at life has being a gift each day because at any moment our lives can change without any notice. A life altering traumatic experience can change our lives forever or death can come knocking on our door; we are not meant to live forever, that’s life. After experiencing both traumas; I now perceive life to be something that is totally out of our control. It’s a day by day experience that we should never take for granted.

Having survived my worse nightmare, when I really thought I was never going to make it; but I did. I am totally thankful , grateful, and amazed at where I am today. I am now at a more functioning level to a point, stronger and very insightful.

I am also very aware of the pain that this illness can inflict on a person. It’s a pain that is so overwhelming and intense, that you feel well never end. You think there is no light left but gradually the light comes back on and life once again can become a little brighter.Sunny days start to become sunny again, because when you are at the acute stage of your illness, all you see is the fog. It’s not a weakness but a painful illness. I now live in the moment; not in the past, nor in the future. The past is over and done with and we are not promised tomorrow, only today.

I am now a champion fighter for mental health, I’m not saying I have all the answers and I’m definitely not saying I’m cured but I now am an advocate for mental health and mental ill persons. Without having gone through this traumatic illness I would never have been able to do what I do today. So in some ways I am thankful (a very big price to pay) but when someone says, they are depressed, suffering from anxiety, living in darkness, not wanting to live anymore; I can honestly say, ‘I can relate’. I know what you are going through, you are not alone! It took me five years to be able to say I am thankful for what I went through and there are still some days that I am not thankful. Days when I am reminded of all I’ve lost that being; relationships, materialism, confidence, self-worth, my purpose, time, memories. Now it’s all about finding my new normal.

Do I like my new normal, to be honest and truthful; not really. I didn’t choose to move from a place I called home and was quite content; St.John’s. I didn’t choose to give up my profession. I didn’t choose much of anything, my illness dictated it. I certainly didn’t choose to put my family; especially my wife and two children through this trauma. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be living in Bay Roberts (not that there’s anything wrong with it). I was quite content right where I was. But gradually now , with time, patience, a shift in thinking; I’m doing okay and becoming more content.

I will never be the person I was before my breakdown, but that doesn’t mean my life is over. I am so filled with gratitude to where God has brought me; He really does have a sense of humour (I don’t always think it’s funny lol). But I am so glad and thankful that He brought me out of the pit of despair.

My perception of life has certainly changed. I certainly won’t ever take life for granted and I will always believe there is an higher power. There has to be; there’s more to life then ‘this’. We were never meant to walk this journey of life alone, even from creation God was present. This is one battle that you/I cannot fight alone. You have to search for that power/strength within you, that being God. We ourselves work in the natural but with God we work in the supernatural.

October 7, 2017October 10, 2017

A Fight For Our Lives

It’s been said ,”that it’s the scrupy wheel that get’s the grease”. It seems I’ve been the scrupy wheel quite often these pass few months. If I have a cause that needs grease then I have no problem stating my case. From mental health issues, accessibility for disabled persons, inclusion for all, funding for disability needs, etc. We have to fight for our lives! I feel this should go public, just to give you a glimpse into what we have to fight for and this is just a taste.

Several months ago I contacted our MHA; Ms. Pam Parsons because we were barely surviving. I was speaking with her assistant, who I poured my heart and soul out to. Only to learn we did not qualify for anything ( I’m referring to some help, care and cost for Lauren who has Spastic Quadriplegic cerebral palsy) because of my wife’s income. I heard back from Ms. Parsons this week, not because of my visit to her office but because of my appearance on the NTV show, Heart Matters. It was obvious to me she did not make the connection. When I brought it up, she knew nothing of my visit and had to look up my file to see just what I was all about. I sensed a little disconnection on their part.

After a lengthy conversation with Ms. Parsons it was obvious to me that the Provincial Government was certainly not going to be our lifeline. Yet she did promise to work on our “file” that wasn’t looking all that hopeful.

She then suggested I contact our Federal MP; Mr Ken McDonald. Which I did and again could only speak to his assistant. I documented every word I said during this conversation. And I thought I should share it with you in hopes that public knowledge would add extra pressure.

She started the conversation with, “well what is it exactly you are looking for?” And I started my lengthy monologue:

What I am fighting for is our lives, I feel we are a family drowning in despair, tired of fighting, totally exhausted.

I have fought mental illness all my life, but five years ago I experienced a total mental breakdown. Meaning I was rendered totally disabled; unable to function. I was told by my psychiatrist there was no cure for my illness and that I needed to apply for Canada Pension Disability because it was unlikely I would ever return to work. Our world that day was forever changed. I went from a person that was self-employed for 28 years, to a person with an income of $900 a month through CPD. And because of my illness my brain and body totally shut down. So my wife was now caregiver for me, my now six year old son, plus our now four year old daughter; who at one years old was diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy. Again a second life altering diagnosis that we had to face, in an already struggling family.

We lived in St.John’s as long has we could until we were forced into bankruptcy and lost everything we had. And on top of all this chaos, struggle and stress, my wife still had to work in order to keep this already struggling family together.Because of all this financial ruin we were forced to move to Bay Roberts; to be closer to family for some support.

Now five years have passed, we are still fighting to hold the pieces together. I am doing much better but far from a functioning, normal human being. With all the hell my wife has encountered, she was diagnosed now with severe anxiety and depression. Thus she was forced by her doctors to take a leave; no human human being could survive the amount of stress that she is under and still function in a classroom of 28 children and not have a breaking point.

Its certainly true that in our society today it takes two incomes for a normal family to survive. We are far from “NORMAL”. Lisa’s income just does not cut it. With Lauren’s needs alone we require one income, to support her needs. Thus far we have had to depend on family, fundraising and various charities. This financial burden should not be placed on others. it’s not their responsibility to do so. And it’s not our lifestyle to be constantly looking for money from family and the general public, they have done enough. Now it’s time for the Government to step in. Lauren is a child that requires much needed treatment, equipment and care; for which we get no assistance. She deserves better! Now what are you going to do about it?

October 5, 2017

Break Down Some Walls

I finally got a chance to sit down for a few minutes and ponder what I may share with you today. I quickly scrolled through my Facebook newsfeed and stopped at a message that reiterated what I’ve been saying all along. And that being, stigma is still so prevalent in our society today. That being the negative, discriminating and prejudice way our society still label persons with a mental illness and put all mental disorders in the same group.

The lady was responding to the horrific shooting in Las Vegas: 58 killed and over 515 injured! I would certainly agree that this was an act of evil indeed. But she made the statement that blew my mind (no pun intended); “how can so many people with mental health issues get these kinds of guns that kill such a crowd of people so quickly”. Ephesians 6:12 came to mind; “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” No where do I see here any reference to mental health. I had no choice but to respond; me being ‘a person with a mental health issue’ and being an advocate for Mental Illness. I could not let this one go. And I will share my response, I may sound a little annoyed and upset; well I was. In 2017 I would hope to expect better, silly me. So I responded with; ” I really don’t know how to respond to your ignorant statement. Do you believe honestly that it’s only people with a mental illness that can do such an act? Mental illness and evil are not one and the same. I have a mental illness and I was disturbed by your statement. It’s this mentality that build walls of stigma that is so unjustly placed on mental illness. I will keep you in my prayers, that God will open your narrow mindedness’. Sorry but that’s me, call it like it is; if it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck; then it’s a duck!

Now maybe I’m a little harsh or a little sensitive to comments that refer negatively to mentally ill persons. but if I made a comment for example like;” All diabetics are fat”. That would be so not true, some maybe but not all and also would be very rude to even say it. So, that would be like saying that all criminal action is only done by people that are mentally ill. So therefore all you “perfectly, normal people out there would never commit a crime”. So not true! For one thing there is no such thing has normal, we would all want to think we are. Who can define what normal is anyway? Google doesn’t even do it justly, “conforming to a standard, usual, typical or expected”. Very vague and broad in my opinion. So let’s not be quick to judge anyone has being normal or mentally ill. There is no one perfect, especially when it comes to the brain, I think we are all a little mentally ill in one way or another lol.

There’s certainly a lot of talk about mental health awareness, but are people really “getting it”? I feel I am just has “normal” has the next person. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am breaking down the walls of stigma one person at a time. I am not expecting to change the world but I am and will do my part to make my voice heard, right where I am; in my part of the world.

This past weekend I was guest speaker at the “Mental Health and Wellness Exhibit”. I was overwhelmed with gratitude in the way the audience interacted with me; which made for an amazing discussion and learning experience for us all. I am so thankful for the opportunity to speak with others who totally ‘get it’. A road to healing for everyone that attended, has I shared my journey with mental illness.

It was also my honor and privilege to be guest speaker on the television program; ‘Heart Matters’ on NTV. A great venue to tell my story and help others who are dealing with mental illness. It certainly provided a greater exposure to the hushed topic of mental illness. Little did I realize who my listening audience really were. And I didn’t realize until Monday night when I got a call from our Member of the House of Assembly: Ms Pam Parsons. She saw my story and was hoping that I would be willing to tell it in a session at the House of Assembly, upon the approval of a request to do so. It’s funny how life presents itself, I would never think in a million years that I would be given this awesome opportunity to tell my story at a Government level. I was a little discouraged that what I had and needed to say was not falling on the ears of people who had the power to make a difference and make some change. I prayed that God would open the doors so I could do just that. So sometimes we have to be careful of what we pray for; it just might come true. And thank God for me it did.

So if the walls of stigma are going to come down, even a little, I will say I have done my part. What others think of mental ill persons has to change and speaking out, educating and taking action is what’s needed in our society today. So, let’s all do our part and support each other. We will break down some walls!

October 4, 2017February 2, 2018

Guest Speaker, Mental Health and Wellness Exhibit

Recently I was asked to be guest speaker at a “Mental Health and Wellness Exhibit”, presented by; Safety On The Rock and The Splash Center. Of course I accepted and the response was astounding. Helping others with mental illness through education, talking about it and being proactive. This is an excerpt from that speech.

My story is just that; my story. I cannot speak for others but this is my experience with mental illness. And I do not profess to have all the answers, just a lot of insight. Everyone’s experience is different. So I speak for myself, this is my journey….

I suffered from mental illness all my life. My first mental breakdown was when I was only sixteen years old, I am now fifty two. Back then you were said to have ‘bad nerves’ and you went into seclusion and lived in shame. Nobody really knew how to deal with this illness or if it even was an illness. Not even the medical field, especially living in outport Newfoundland. I was taken to the doctor only to be told there was nothing they could do because they did not prescribe antidepressants to teenagers. So I was sent home to fight this battle, this monster, all by myself and fight I did. I felt so helpless, hopeless and alone.

I fought this battlefield of the mind until I was able to be prescribed medication and I found they worked for me fairly well. From that time on, until five years ago, I have always been on one drug or another and lived a fairly normal, functioning life. I owned and operated my own business for 28 years. So you can have a mental illness and still remain high functioning, we just have to work a little harder at being okay.

But five years ago I experienced the worse relapse of my life. It was this relapse that totally rendered me non functioning and totally disabled. I experienced a total shut down of my brain and physical body. I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder. My symptoms were so severe that I was closely monitored for dementia. I was not responding to any treatments including cocktails of antidepressants, hospitalization, ECT electro convulsive therapy and anything that would help improvement. It was confirmed that I was treatment resistant and I was loosing hope and getting worse.

Because of my illness and being unemployed, we lost everything we had and had to move to Bay Roberts to be closer to family for support. With all the change that had taken place in my life; it only exasperated my illness to a point where I hit rock bottom, I could not go down any further. Nothing left but flesh and bones, no will to live, I just wanted to die. That was about two years ago now and I have fought to get to where I am today. I am doing much better, I still struggle everyday but not to the extent that I was.

Mental illness is one of the most misunderstood, complicated, shameful, stigmatized and complex illnesses of all times. The brain is the most complex organ of the body, thus the most difficult to treat. Even today there is still so much that is not known about the brain and its many disorders. Dr. Mario Garrett Ph.D stated in Psychology Today, “Our brain is the most complex machine that ever existed.”

According to the World Health Organization, ‘350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. It is a leading cause of disability”. Every year close to 800,000 people take their own life. Which is one person every 40 seconds. Mental Health is in a crisis and its time for us to open our eyes and start talking about this epidemic. Not just talk but let’s “do” something about it.

Its my opinion that Newfoundland and Labrador is so far behind the rest of the world in treating mental illness. When we come to a point when the only alternative for treatment is “out of province” then there’s something wrong. And also I would like to say here that one of the most effective ways to tear down the walls of stigma is to literally rid this Province of the most stigmatized building in Newfoundland and Labrador, that being, The Waterford Hospital. The building screams stigma; often referred to has the loonie bin, the nut house, the mental etc. The building is so old and dilapidated, that it’s walls have a ghostly aura. The question I ask you today is; if your child’s school was in such a dilapidated condition; would you send your child there? Then I ask you why would you send your loved one to such an horrible and disgusting environment has the Waterford. It’s time for the Government to turn it’s attention to one of the most important and neglected issues facing our province today.

I hold the Government responsible for lack of treatment, support and availability of humane facilities. What we need is a new hospital that gives us hope; without hope we will never heal. We need a hospital with an environment that says, “Welcome, you are safe here, we are going to give you the help and support that you deserve”. Is that what the Waterford Hospital offers? NO! Right now every mentally ill patient is cramped into an overcrowded room or wing. When what is needed for someone dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc.; is to be placed on wings or rooms of the hospital that are less anxiety provoking; where patients are dealing with the same or similar issues. And other severe mental illnesses placed in a safe environment for them, based on the severity of their illness, not on wherever a bed is available. It doesn’t make sense herding all illnesses/disorders onto the same ward. You wouldn’t put a cardiac patient on a maternity ward, so why would you put someone with depression on a psychosis ward? Your diagnosis should determine where you are placed in the hospital. So with my experience has a mentally ill patient, I have seen and undergone many demeaning, frightening and inhumane situations.

I have since become an advocate for mental illness. It’s my goal to break down the walls of stigma one person at a time. And to be a voice for those who suffer in silence. We have nothing to be ashamed of. I have a broken mind, no different then if I had diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, kidney failure, etc. Things go wrong with any organ in your body and your brain is no different. It’s just the way society looks at this illness in a negative and stigmatized way but a lot of that has to do with lack of education and ignorance of not knowing. And the only way to break down the walls of stigma is through education and speaking out. And that’s why I’m here today. If I could give you my illness for just one moment; you would look at mental illness in an whole new light. And the walls of stigma would come down.

I believe we have been too quiet for too long. So let’s start talking!

There is hope! Never give up! You can beat this one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Now let’s get out there and break down some walls!

September 22, 2017

“Some” Days (Not All) Just Suck!

Have you ever dragged yourself out of bed, put your feet to the floor and think; can I do this again today? I have, lots of mornings, not that my life is so bad but mentally and physically tired and drained that I just don’t know if I can. But then I give myself my little pep talk and start my routine all over again. And then being thankful at the same time that I can get out of bed. What I wouldn’t give for my little girl to be able to get out of bed and walk, now that puts things into perspective. There’s no wonder my head is spinning out of control. Yet here I am trying to make sense of it all.

Let me just give you a sense of where I am. To begin with, I have this amazing disorder. O yes, I know I have come a long way but guess what, I still have this illness. I have to get up every morning and even in my sleep, in my dreams; this illness still haunts me. But I move, refocus and redirect my thoughts. I am still amazed at the number of people who still don’t understand or probably don’t even want to understand this illness. They look at me and say, “o, you’re better now?” I wish I could say ‘yes’ but for some of us who suffer this misunderstood disease, this doesn’t go away ( Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder). We don’t get up one morning and say, “O, I’m better”. I have , so thankfully, improved to a point where I now can manage this illness much better. So now it’s all about management and keeping the momentum going. It seems I cannot let my guard down for a moment. Having structure and routine in my day is probably one of the best ways I have found to manage my illness. Does this all make sense? Not at all, everyday is a new day and with each day comes new obstacles, challenges, hopes and highs and lows.

I play the part very well, I can’t always wear my heart on my sleeve. For one thing, we live in a “me society” where people only portray the “best life ever syndrome”. Where they have two faces; one for public viewing and the other for private viewing. I’ve also noticed on Facebook; people have a tendency to paint their life has a perfect picture. But in reality, that’s not always the case. You know me by now, say it like it is; some days just suck! I can get up and have the best intentions of having the best day ever, then before the day is over my intentions are long gone. But of course I never give up, tomorrow is going to be better!

To best explain what I’m trying to say, it’s best compare it to an alcoholic or a drug addict. An alcoholic will never say I’m recovered but I’m a recovering alcoholic; you are never totally recovered. Has with a drug addict; you are never a recovered addict but you are a recovering addict. Meaning it’s a continuous process, one day at a time. You learn to manage your illness/addiction,the same is to be said for my illness, “I will always be recovering.” One of the best ways to understand my mental illness and it’s recovery is to compare it to diabetes. A diabetic has to maintain, control and manage their blood sugar levels, in the same way I have to maintain, control and manage my mental health. I have learned how to manage my illness rather then always trying to cure it; there is no cure. That’s not to sound hopeless or pessimistic but to be real and truthful. I believe my healing began when I gave up trying to find a cure but rather accepting my illness for what it is; a recurring, relapsing condition that I have to manage with medical help, self-help and spiritual help.

So if you’re there and thinking to yourself, “I can’t do this anymore.” I’m here to tell you, “Yes you can.” Every day won’t suck, you will (and I do) have good days again. We just have to work a little harder than others who don’t have this illness, at being okay. When I had my last relapse; I honestly thought I would never see the light of day again. But today I do see the light, some days are going to be a little foggy but we can get through them. So chin up, shoulders back, you can do this!

September 5, 2017March 5, 2023

When God Says, “NO”!

I have prayed many prayers and of course expected a yes answer; in His time. But what if my answer was a “No”. This thought came to me today, well if God doesn’t want to answer my prayer with a yes. What then? How do I react, what are my feelings toward God; will I be angry, disturbed or even become bitter. Would I question God and say, “why not”? Did God say no in the bible to prayer request? I really don’t know the answer to those questions. So it’s my quest for this blog to search for the answers and share my findings with you. So let’s begin our journey.

Let’s start by looking at our earthly father. Did my Dad always answer yes to all my request? Not really because he would always say, “ask your mother’. And of course Mom had no trouble saying no when necessary. Looking back now, I really see that no wasn’t always a bad thing. No was for our own good, for our protection, safety and well being. It didn’t mean they loved us any less but sometimes a no answer was a, “because I love you so much answer”. So I believe there is a great parallel between my earthly father and my Heavenly Father. When God sometimes says, no, it’s because He has a greater yes in store for me/us.

Let’s explore the Bible and search for times when God said, no, to His people. In 1 Chronicles 28:3, God said no to David. ‘God said to me, “David told his people, “You shall NOT build a house for My name because you are a man of war and have shed blood”. But in his parting words, David chose to focus on what God had allowed him to do. Rather than wallowing in self- pity or bitterness regarding his unfulfilled dream, David praised God with a grateful heart. O may I learn from David and have a grateful heart. Right now, that’s not exactly where I am but through my weakness, I will find my way and gratitude will come.

The Bible says, “If we ask anything according to HIS WILL….we have what we asked of Him (1 John 5:14-15). This verse tells me there will be “no” answers, if what we are praying for is not His will. Here we must trust that God knows what He’s doing and sometimes in our human flesh we may be outside the will of God. “thy will be done on earth has it is in Heaven”.

The apostle Paul, author of most of the New Testament, begged God three times to remove a thorn in his flesh and God said, “no” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). God had a greater purpose in mind, far above what Paul could ever imagine.

Then one of the greatest “no” answers to a prayer was Jesus himself. When He prayed to His Heavenly Father, the night before He died on the cross, that He would rid Him of His suffering and God said “NO” (Mark 14:32-42). If God hadn’t told Jesus no, we would have never had the opportunity of salvation!

Now on a more personal level, I have prayed to God countless times and got a “no” answer. That can sometimes leave us angry, we question God and ask God, “why not?” It can make us feel that God is not listening to us or doesn’t care. But none of that is true. God loves us with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). God has our best interest at heart, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). The song says, ” My HOPE is built on nothing less, then Jesus blood and righteousness”.

When my Dad was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer, my world was forever changed. My Dad was a man of great faith and if faith had anything to do with being healed, then he would certainly have been healed. But God’s answer was “no”. I couldn’t understand; weeks later he passed away. But he left me with the greatest answer to my question of why God says “NO”. On his death bed he had an amazing attitude and trust in God. For he said,”I cannot loose, either way I will win. I will be healed or if not, I will still win because I will go to my home in Heaven that God has prepared for those who love and serve Him. Through Jesus dying on the cross, He had taken away the sting of death. “Where, o death, is your victory? Where , o death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 15:55-57). So even when God said “no”, Dad still won and was victorious through our Lord Jesus.

With my own illness, I have sought God’s healing numerous times but because He hasn’t healed me completely, doesn’t mean that His healing hasn’t taken place in my life and for that I am grateful. And with Lauren’s Cerebral Palsy I have often wondered ; where’s the fairness? What’s the purpose? I have more questions than answers for our lives’ struggles. But there’s one thing I’ve learned and that is, I could never do this in my own strength. I lean every day on Him, for He said in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities (boast in my weaknesses), that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

So I guess God does not always answer our prayers with a yes. And I’m sure that is for the best; God knows what he’s doing. In our finite minds we cannot see the big picture. I’m learning everyday to put my trust and faith in Him, especially when He says, “No”! And when He does I have to realize that it’s for my good, it’s not to hurt me or that He loves me any less. So sometimes when we feel our prayers go unanswered, God is listening always. In His time, in His way, He will answer!

August 29, 2017

Logan’s Journey

I want to introduce you to an amazing little six year old boy named Logan. When we decided to have children (after been married for thirteen years) we were told we would probably never be able to conceive a child on our own. After working with Fertility Specialists for over a year, we had no progress. So our last and only hope of having a child would be by IVF; Invitro Fertilization.

IVF was a very costly procedure and would be done in Calgary, Alberta. With bags packed and hearts full of anticipation and hope, off we go to Calgary. Once the procedure was complete, which took about a week, we were homeward bound again. Then we waited for two weeks before we could take a pregnancy test; to find out it was positive! To make a long story short, we were soon the proud parents of a “bouncing” baby boy. And two years later we were surprisingly blessed with a beautiful baby girl, you talk about divine intervention and a little “work” by Mommy and Daddy. It was a year later when we would learn the devastating and life altering news of Lauren’s diagnosis with Cerebral Palsy.

Logan has grown to be such an amazing, intelligent, sociable, fun loving little boy. But you see as much has we try to protect and shelter him from all the “challenges” of our lives, this is impossible to do. When I was very sick, especially during ECT treatments, I spent most of my time asleep. How could a little boy understand why his Daddy was always asleep and couldn’t play with him. I hate my illness for stealing this precious time away from my little boy; time I can never get back. Has I’m writing this I am also realizing how much of my memory of this period of my life is gone, due to ECT, medication and the severity of my depression. But we are trying to make new memories and making life as normal has possible for both our children.

Logan is his father’s child when it comes to his love for animals. His first love were worms, then snails, our dog; Brady (who has since gone to Heaven). Then we thought some fish would satisfy his longing for more pets, but only to find out he also had a love for bunnies. Which now he is the proud owner of a blue eyed, white mini lop; the love of his life. Recently we visited Lester’s Farm, Logan wanted to know if we could buy farm animals. I said, “we’ll have to wait and see. A pig has really peaked his curiousity (all things are possible in our household; never say never).

Logan also has a love for singing, that’s also in his genes. His ability to remember songs, his voice range and tune is amazing. I can’t wait to see where he goes with it; “the skies the limit”.

When it comes to toys,he first became fasinated with trains, all trains, not just Thomas the Train. To bad we live on an island where there are no trains, kind of ironic. Then there’s his love for Star Wars and Star Wars Legos. Him and Daddy spent many hours putting together large Star Wars Lego space ships; Daddy loved it.

Logan’s greatest achievement, accomplishment, and love is his little sister Lauren. He’s become her mentor, “Bruddy” is the sparkle in her eye and vice versa. They just love each other (most of the time). If there is anybody that will motivate Lauren to move or maybe even walk; it will be Logan. He can do anything with her and she loved it; they are best buddies.

Logan has seen and experienced more in his little lifetime then most kids, when it comes to life challenges. But I believe it’s those experiences that have made him into the amazing, caring, loving little boy that he has become. He has taught us all, that
there is joy in living and we can overcome any opstacle because we have something that money can’t buy; LOVE! And we just “love him to pieces!”

August 26, 2017

A Therapeutic Reflection

Here it is… Yet another therapeutic reflection:

Life certainly has it’s modern conveniences! Practically everything we could need, or want, is at our fingertips. Our immediate access covers from worldwide information to Keurig coffee! It’s only when there’s a glitch in the system, do we even stop to realize how good we have it.
Up until now, we have enjoyed, and have probably taken for granted, the seamless flow of life’s ease of access. While Lauren was a baby, she appeared like any other baby. Cerebral palsy didn’t show itself much at all. Now, Lauren is becoming that independent little girl who wants to “do it myself”! This is when we realize that many of life’s conveniences are not quite as accessible to someone with a disability.
It’s 2016, and some public places have no ramps, push buttons for doors, adequate space to move a chair, proper bathroom facilities, etc
You see, even at home, the required equipment for daily living is different, yes different, from others. ‘Special’ chairs/seats and required therapy items cost double to triple that of the ‘regular’ needs.
What’s my point?? I guess it’s just that we are coming to terms more and more with the additional obstacles that Lauren will have to hurdle. As her parents, our role is to keep these issues as ‘just obstacles’ and NOT
‘limitations’!
Society, too, needs to pause and take note of exactly ‘who’ our modern conveniences cater to. Not everyone will be able to see past the obvious, but those of us who love someone who has a disability will become much more aware of what is often take for granted!
Our goal is to empower our children to find their way in the world. Life has conveniences, yes;but, life is posing challenges now that were once unimaginable! Equal opportunity for all means that some will require different means in order to make it to the same place. Lauren, and other children with disabilities, are no less equal because they are ‘different’. In fact, their ABILITY to find ways to ‘do it myself’ in spite of their DISABILITY, is a lesson to all!
Lisa

August 24, 2017August 24, 2017

It’s Not All About Me

When you have an illness, especially long term, it’s not only the patient that’s affected but also the caregiver. I’m not just referring to my own illness but anyone with any kind of illness or disability, whether that be cancer, stroke, heart attack and the list goes on. Behind every sick person there’s that one caregiver who is there 24/7. How does that person survive and not get swallowed up in all the stress and not experience burnout? And how does a marriage or relationship (if the caregiver is your spouse or partner) survive such a traumatic experience and still survive? It’s my goal to give you some insight, hope and to answer some questions we might ask.

With my illness, major depression and anxiety disorder, I became a different person. My illness stripped me of my personality, my self worth, self esteem, my job, my everything; to a point where I felt I was left with nothing, not even a soul. My wife was living with a different man, a man she did not know, a stranger. But deep, deep down inside,that man was still there, trying desperately to come back. Really she was a caregiver for three children; myself, and our two children, one with Cerebral Palsy. I was totally in her care, I could not do this on my own; I was disabled and could not function. But the burden was placed on her to be strong and keep our family together. How long can one person survive in this environment and then try to keep her teaching career has well? In answer to that question; no human being can possibly stand up to all this pressure, there is a breaking point.

Our marriage has suffered immensely, the road has been long and rough. I know many days she must have felt like running and I would not blame her. But thus far we are still together and fighting to get “us” back. Statistics show that marriages undergoing the pressures and stress that ours is, do not survive. But thank God we are surviving and hoping for better days. We have certainly put our marriage vows to the test; “for better or worse”(we’ve experienced the worse), “for richer for poorer” (we’ve been down to nothing, financially), “in sickness and in health” (we have been tested to the max). And praying to God each day that He will hold us together.

The way in which a mental illness differs from many (but not all) other illness, is that with a mental illness it changes who you are, on a personal level. My wife was not living with the same man anymore, this adjustment is what many cannot wrap their heads around. After five years we are now trying to rekindle that love again. Mental illness has certainly been a big strain on our marriage but its going to take a lot of hard work to survive. But we are giving it all we got and some days that’s not a lot; we are so drained and exhausted. So if you are reading this and you are a caregiver of any illness; my hats off to you! May God give you strength, courage, and hope to go on.

Then there’s the question; how can one person (the caregiver) survive all of this stress and not reach a breaking point. I really believe, it’s not possible that it does change who that person has become. The years of stress, feelings of abandonment, loneliness, hopelessness, fatigue; all take it’s tole on that person. Maybe it’s easy for someone to judge a caregiver and say , “well that’s what they signed up for”. That is not true and if you haven’t walked in their shoes and haven’t experienced the life of a caregiver, then don’t judge. But instead, be that helping hand, that voice of encouragement and that source of strength for the caregiver. For they need and deserve all the help they can get, just has much as the ill person. But lots of times we have the tendency to overlook and forget about what the caregiver is going through.

So if you are a caregiver and you are falling beneath the load, please seek help; talk to your doctor, seek out a good friend, take some time for you. Don’t feel guilty about doing so, you need help too. If you don’t look after yourself it’s possible to get “caregiver burnout”. And yes there is such a thing and is very serious. “Caregiver burnout is a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion”. Burnout can occur when caregivers don’t get the help they need or if they try to do more than they are able. They can experience fatigue, stress, anxiety and depression. So take the time to look after yourself before you get to this point.

So today I salute all you caregivers! Especially one in particular, my wife Lisa. Thank you for sticking by me, through thick and thin. There are no words to express my gratitude. And Lauren and Logan say thanks has well. We love and appreciate you.

August 19, 2017

My Prayer For The Future

Dear God,
In this life we are not promised tomorrow; for tomorrow might never come.

But just in case it does, would you please answer my prayer.

There’s one thing I’ve learned and that is life can change in a moment.

May I rest my troubled mind in your hands. The uncertainties, the unknown,
the fears; may I be assured that if tomorrow does come, that I am in your
hands and all is well.

The future seems so vast, so big, so overwhelming that in my own strength
I realize I could not walk this journey alone. So, on those days would you
please carry me. When my tears flow down my cheeks like a river, would
you please wipe them dry.

The future is not mine, but yours. May I always trust that you will hold my
future and I can rest assured that I’m in Your Hands.

Thanks God,
Harris