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June 17, 2018

Surviving Panic Attacks

Panic attacks can be one of the most frightening experiences of your life. For the person having a panic attack you feel you are about to die and panic consumes your whole body and mind. Your body automatically goes into the ‘fight or flight response’. This kicks in when your body feels it is in immediate danger, often when we have an overload of adrenaline (due to excessive stress on our bodies) running through our body. Our only escape is to fight or run from the danger, what we are experiencing is a ‘panic attack’.

We cannot deny what we are feeling is real but what we are experiencing will not hurt us. Some symptoms that are associated with a panic attack are; intense fear, excessive worry such as you are loosing control, heart palpitations, sweating, shaking, shortness of breath or a feeling of smothering and an intense rush of heat running through your body.

For me, panic attacks were frightening and I lived in fear of when the next one would attack my body. I remember having panic attacks several times a day and especially when I awakened in the morning. The fear that accompanied a panic attack was so intense I thought for sure I would die and at times wished I did, so I could escape this hell.

I learned with time and counselling some things that helped during a panic attack. First I had to take control of my breathing. When in an attack my breath was fast and shallow but that would make my attack worse. I had to focus intensely on my breathing and take deep breaths. I would breath in on the count of four, hold for count of three and breath out on the count of four. Do this for four or five times and I found this would calm me down somewhat.

Remind yourself that panic attacks cannot hurt you, the panic will reside in a few minutes, which may seem like hours. You have to look at your panic attack as being a ship riding out a storm. You have to let your attack to take its course and ride it out. Don’t try to fight it, that will only make it worse. I know that’s hard to do when you are in the middle of a panic attack and all you want to do is fight.

My panic attacks were so frequent and frightening that I was prescribed medication. I used one pill for each panic attack that I had and was taken by dissolving under my tongue. This way the medication got into my bloodstream almost immediately. It did help to calm me down, it was used as a band aid and could not be used for long term use. I had to learn how to cope and get these attacks under control myself.

Another form of self-help was a method that was taught by my doctor called mindfulness (to learn more about this in greater detail visit Google). In a nutshell, it was living in the moment. Not letting your mind wander to the pass or to the future., if it did just gently bring it back to the moment and concentrate on your breathing, pay attention to the inhaling and exhaling of your breath.

A big part of being able to survive a panic attack is through distraction; refocusing your mind to or on something else. This does take practice and even seems silly but if you want to take control of your panic attacks and not the other way around, then you will do whatever it takes. This is something else I learned in therapy; use your senses. And by that I mean, use your sense of smell to distract your mind. Use a scent, such as orange peel, feel it as it flows through your nostrils. Is it pleasant or unpleasant? Do you like the smell or not? Keep concentrating on the orange peel and nothing else. The sense of touch; hold something in your hand and keep your thoughts on how it feels. Rough or smooth? Describe it to yourself. Another sense you could use is the sense of hearing (you don’t use all the senses at one time). Distract yourself yourself by listening to the sounds around you. How many different sounds can you hear? Keep listening until your panic attack as subsided. Then lastly you can use your sense of sight; look around the room at the different colors you can see. What colors are there? How many can you see? Let your thoughts only go to the colors and nothing else. Practice makes perfect.

I must admit my panic attacks lasted for a long time, maybe 2-3 years, but that was me; everyone is different. I haven’t experienced a panic attack for a while now and I hope I will never experience another. It is one of the worse, horrifying, frightening and paralyzing experiences of my whole illness. I am thankful that right now I haven’t had one in a long time. But be encouraged, as bad as they are, they will not kill you; they just feel like they will. You too will conquer this ravishing beast; this horrible chapter in your life.

June 15, 2018

My 8 Symptoms of Clinical Depression and Major Anxiety

I just recently published a blog entitled; ‘My Will To Live’. This was a blog about one of the most serious symptoms of Depression and that being, it takes away your will to live. And sad to say, for many this can lead to suicide. This symptom gradually eats away at your will, your desire to live. The pain of living is too overwhelming. But as sufferers and I’m speaking for myself, we have to find a way to overpower our thinking and realize that life is worth living. Dealing with this symptom alone is enough to kill the spirit of the strongest person on earth. But along with this symptom comes many more. I would just like to elaborate on some of these symptoms and give you my own personal experience and the way in which I dealt with each symptom. I hope this can help you on your journey of hope through this hellish illness.

Another symptom that I struggled with is; trouble concentrating, remembering details, memory loss, making decisions and loosing train of thought. When I was at the worse stage of my illness, I could not read a book, watch television or work on my computer because I could not concentrate long enough to focus on what it was I was reading or watching. My memory was minimal, especially around the time I was having ECT treatments. I have large blocks of my life that I don’t remember and I still struggle today with my memory. And connected to memory loss would be loosing my train of thought. I could be in the middle of a conversation and not remember what I was talking about. So today I cannot trust to my memory, if I need to remember something, I have to write it down. This can be very scary when you cannot trust your own brain.

Fatigue was and is a symptom that plagued my life. I had zero energy, my fuel tank was running on empty. You knew you had to do something, like go for a walk, but you had no idea how you were going to get the strength to do it. So I started with baby steps, I didn’t start by running a marathon. I started by doing a five minute walk, now at the time that seemed impossible but I had to start somewhere and I gradually worked my way up. I remember lying on the sofa and Logan pulling on my finger to play with him. There was nothing I wanted to do more but there were times when my mind and body just could not do it. Today I still fight fatigue but not to the extent that I did then.

Then there were the feelings (and they were real) of worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness. I had no self worth, no hope of escaping this hell, no personality, no self confidence and no way of helping myself back to ‘myself’. I existed as a physical being and nothing else. These symptoms dragged me down to death’s door but thankfully that door didn’t open. I still struggle with these feelings but I realize that’s what they are; feelings. And today I realize these feelings cannot hurt me and I can, with God’s help, rise above them.

Most people dealing with major depression find they either sleep too much or they cannot sleep at all or very little. I think I suffered with both . When I was very acute I slept what seemed to be always. But then I went through a stage where I could not sleep at all and I believe this was due to my anxiety being so high. Either way, neither were very pleasant to deal with. Today I sleep fairly well with the aid of prescribed medication, which I would not want to be without.

Another bothersome symptom is you either overeat or appetite loss. Therefore you either gain a lot of weight or you loose a lot of weight. For me I loss my appetite completely. I would sit at the table and look at my plate and wonder how am I ever going to eat that. But I knew if I were going to improve, I had to eat, so I would force myself to do so. After months, my appetite did return. But during my time of appetite loss, I was a walking corpse; skin over bones. But thank God today I even have a ‘pop belly’. And I will never complain over that. Just thankful that I now can eat.

One very common symptom with depression is an overwhelming sense of sadness. And because of being sad, you have the uncontrollable desire to be very emotional and crying frequently. And lots of times you didn’t even know why you were crying. But I believe there was healing in my tears, they helped to express the way I was really feeling.

A symptom that was very evident in me was , I loss all interest in everything. The things I loved to do, I now had absolutely no interest in doing anymore. One example and it’s also a symptom is I did not want to socialize anymore. I felt all alone in a crowded room of family and friends. I would prefer to isolate, which is very common in major depression. But I knew I could not do this for an extended period of time. If I were going to improve; I had to be around people. Even today I struggle with gatherings, large crowds but I am doing so much better.

The list of symptoms can go on but those are the ones that probably dominated my illness. I also suffered panic attacks but I believe that was an illness all on it’s own rather then a symptom. And it would require a blog of it’s own (so stay tuned for that blog). I hope in some way I have helped you to understand what someone, dealing with major depression, is going through. And for those who are living with a mental illness, I hope you realize that these symptoms will lessen as you start to improve and life will get better. But remember it does take time, so don’t give up on hope, you can live through this; we’ll do it together!

June 14, 2018

My Will To Live

Imagine a disease that destroys your will to live. You could say there are many diseases that can do that, especially chronic disease and during the late stages of a disease such as cancer, aids, lugarettes disease, etc. Many at this late stage of their disease have no quality of life, constant pain and torment, agony and no possibility of ever recovering; do get to the point of just wanting to die.

But I want to talk about something a little different, a disease which once you get it, you start loosing your will to live. In fact one of the symptoms of the disease is , loosing your will to live. As devastating as all other diseases are, neither have loosing your will to live, has a symptom. But the disease I am referring to is clinical depression; the inability to want to live or the will to live is one of the main symptoms of this disease.

Clinical depression is the more- severe form of depression, also known as major depression or major depressive disorder. It isn’t the same as depression caused by a loss, such as the death of a loved one, or a medical condition, such as a thyroid disorder. It’s a change that takes place within the brain, having to do with certain mood- regulating chemicals called neurotransmitters that do not work properly. Environmental factors may trigger clinical depression but are not the cause.

Loosing the will to live is not a normal human reaction; we were born to live, it’s our natural instinct to survive. But to loose that will has to be an illness, a sickness, an abnormal reaction to a brain that is broken. And I know this because I live this! There are days when my will to live is questionable. That doesn’t mean I’m suicidal but my illness is so overwhelming at times that my will to live is diminishing. I am so tired and frustrated that I sometimes loose that will to live.

You may say, ‘ but you have so much to live for and you could list them off. But I don’t hear you and my illness as somewhat distorted my thinking and my mind as already decided what I believe. But I cannot give up there, if I did I would die. I have to realize that this is my illness talking; not me. I know I have so much to live for and eventually this torment will pass. I just have to hang in there and fight for my will to live.

This was one blog I did not want to publish. It is a topic that is so private and personal but by not sharing it would serve no purpose. But if I did tell it like it is, then I would help someone who as lost their will to live and maybe show them that we can regain that will to live with time and endurance. Never give up. God loves you and so do I. This illness may have stolen so much from us and at times made our lives unbearable, we will survive! I have to believe that by faith because in my human strength I see no way. And some days, that’s what I’m doing; surviving! But I want to do so much more then survive, I want to LIVE!

June 11, 2018December 22, 2023

Two Shoes

Today is Church day, a day of rest; not in our case. Lauren dictates the mood of the morning, and so would I if I were in a body cast. Her bath now consist of a bed bath and her hair being washed in the kitchen sink by lying her on the counter and her head in the sink. You do what you have to do, it definitely takes two of us to accomplish this task.

Her bed bath doesn’t go all that smoothly; pain, hurt, and discomfort seems to be the order of the morning. This is a timely procedure, with her popping tears from her eyes as big as raindrops. And you are holding back tears because you know if you start, they will never stop. None of this makes any sense and life seems so unfair, for a little child to have to suffer so.

Then its time to put on her Sunday best and top it off with her princess shoes. But then she realizes; I only have one shoe on and I have two feet. She can’t understand the concept that one cast practically covers her foot, while the other foot is totally exposed. So she cries all the way to church because she only has one shoe.

I explain to her that we can’t go into the Church with her screaming and if she doesn’t calm down, we’ll have to go back home. So she seems to understand and stops crying. By this time I am so frustrated, heartbroken and helpless; I don’t know how I’m going to go inside and pretend that we are having an amazing morning. And put on my ‘expected’ Christian smile and worship.

I make it to the doors, with my my anxiety through the roof, and without turning around and making a run for home; I enter the Church. I’m already late and that doesn’t go over well with me, my anxiety requires me to be there ten minutes before church starts. But not this morning.

I wheel us into our usual spot and take a breath; a big, deep breath. I lean over and she quietly says, ‘I want two shoes’. Now I can’t hold back the tears anymore, I am totally overwhelmed with the situation and life. Right at that moment it was more then I could bare. So I thought, what do I do? I was at the end of my resources and I felt Lauren’s doctor’s were playing Russian roulette with Lauren’s mobility. As a family we could not take anymore, nor could we do anymore.

I decided there and then; well if we can’t , Jesus can. I had to believe that. He was our only resort, our only hope. Quoting Pastor Isaiah, ‘So when we are at the end; Jesus is at the beginning’ (something like that). So without any hesitation, I brought my little girl to Jesus and I have to believe that He met us there at the front of that Church; I laid her on the altar (not literally), I gave her back to God. Me with my broken heart and broken mind and Lauren in desperate need of a touch from the Master. I pictured Him taking Lauren up in His arms and saying, ‘It’s going to be alright my child’. I prayed so earnestly for God’s intervention in our lives because without Him, we were falling apart. Our family was torn apart by life’s trials and only He could fix it.

Eventually Lauren will get to wear two shoes, but not only wear them but walk in them. If I don’t see it here on earth, I will see it in Heaven; we will cross the finish line one way or another. But we will win!

Isaiah 35:6 ‘Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy. Water will gush forth in the wildness and streams in the desert.’

June 9, 2018

Rainy Days

The morning clouds my foggy mind. I grasp for the light, I reach from within to find just a glimmer. My depression consumes the light, darkness overpowers my thoughts, But it will not win, I am strong, courageous and a fighter, this illness will not conquer me, though some days it feels like it just might. Fierce might be the battle from within, but peace will come because I am in control.

The pain I feel from inside is not a sharp, shooting pain, as if I cut my finger; but a sad , empty, lonely, searching pain. I’m desperately seeking an escape; an escape that will lead to peace, calm and happiness. To find a place where I don’t have to fight anymore, the fight has left me tired, I just don’t want to fight anymore. The battle as left me exhausted and drained, to a point where I have little of anything left to live with, my fuel tank is running on empty it seems.

Depression is an illness that is looked upon so lightly. The illness carries with it so much undeserved stigma, shame and misunderstanding. And this is why so many sufferers do so in silence and all alone; they feel they can’t tell others or seek help because that would mean they are weak and flawed. But that is so far from the truth, we have nothing to be ashamed of, we have an illness that requires treatment and support. So forget the stigma and myths of this illness and talk about the way you feel and seek medical help; there is no shame in that!

I am reminded again this week as the news declares two more deaths by suicide of two very prominent, rich, successful icons. Both of these people, had it all, but both suffered from depression. Their illness killed them and their lifestyle and material possessions could not save them. They were consumed with that inner pain, that they could not escape and were forced to end the pain the only way they knew how. Tired of the battlefield in their minds; now no more fighting, no more war.

I began writing this blog very early in the morning, when I was alone with my thoughts. My thoughts can lead me into very ugly, dark and hopeless places. But when they do, I refocus; I deter my thoughts to a more quieter, calm and bearable place.

It was then my thoughts reminded me I had to mow the lawn, now when I say lawn I mean practically a football field (in my mind that’s what I see). So I give myself a kick and off I go to mow the football field. No sooner then I began, it started to rain. So I weighed the pros and cons and make my decision to keep mowing the grass. Now some would call that stubbornness but I call it determination. I think it makes for a great analogy of my battle with depression and anxiety. I could have easily given in, if I went by my feelings, but I knew if I did my lawn would be overgrown and would not get done. So here I am in the pouring rain mowing my football field; call it stupidity if you like.

But here I am two hours later, soaked to the skin; but my lawn is done. If I had given up because of the rain, it would not have gotten done. So it is with depression, I have days when the ‘rain’ is pouring down, and I could get so discouraged, I could just give up. But let me encourage you and myself to never give up, no matter how hard it rains. Because eventually the rain will stop, if we just wait. The sun will shine again and the ironic thing is, it does.

I want to encourage those who are reading this and you feel you have had your share of rainy days. Trust me, it won’t rain always, right now it might feel it won’t stop but hang in there, the sun is sure to shine. I have my share of rainy days and sometimes there’s no end in sight but I have to hold on to my faith and my hope and believe that the sun will shine again!

May 29, 2018

My Glass Is Half Empty

Since I’m at a more advanced stage of my recovery; I read more. There was a time in my illness that I could not read a book or even watch television, my cell phone totally stressed me out; I couldn’t even touch it. And the computer, that was out of the question. For some seemingly silly reason, my brain would not allow me to entertain myself with anything of that nature. Everything basically frightened me to death. I look back on those days now and wonder what was that all about; I could not explain it but it was sure real. And I certainly could not dismiss or choose what my thoughts were. But one thing I do know; it was real.

Most of my reading right now is centered around self help books. Books that would somehow enhance and improve my life. Some I agree with, others I have to question. One such book I’m reading now (I won’t give the name of the book, to protect the author; after all they have the right to their opinion as well). But I will quote from the book, the portion that I have to challenge and will share my own thoughts on. And the quote is, “Whether we see the glass as half full or half empty, whether we let someone else’s gloomy outlook drag us down, whether we choose to have a great day or not, is a matter of choice.”

Today is a perfect example of why I have to disagree with that statement. You see, today is a really ‘bad day’ for me, not by choice but dictated by my chemical imbalanced brain. My neurotransmitters are not at the levels they should be to maintain a ‘happy’ mood. The neurotransmitters that affect mood are serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. This explains why my mood is so low in the morning; its scientifically proven that serotonin levels are at their lowest at this time of day. So no matter what I want to choose today, happy or sad; my brain as already decided it for me. If it were a choice, I’d be the happiest man on earth. Why would someone ‘choose’ to be negative and sad? But that didn’t mean I didn’t choose to do positive things today; I still done things that helped to improve my day. I just had to make more of an effort to do them. And work a little harder to see that glass has half full.

We certainly live in a ‘it’s all about me society’. Never before have we lived in a period of time when life was so centered around; ‘what’s in it for me?’, not ‘what can I do for someone else?’ We are told to separate ourselves from someone else’s negative outlook, because negativity is contagious. Then why can’t the opposite be true? Isn’t it possible for positivity to be passed on. Why can’t we seek out those who are sad and down and maybe our positive, happy outlook would be passed on to them. And what a better place our world would be if we would sometimes put others before ourselves; it’s called selflessness. Mark 12:31 ‘The second most important command is this; ‘Love your neighbor the same as you love yourself…’

So to sum up my thoughts; sometimes people see the glass as half empty because sometimes that’s exactly what their brain is telling them. That’s not what they want to choose to believe but that’s what their mental illness is telling them. And sometimes in our lives we go through times when life presents itself as half empty. Death, sickness, divorce, financial ruin, natural disasters, crime and the list can go on. There are times when we are allowed to be sad and gloomy; sometimes for good reason. But this too shall pass, life does change; we all experience good and bad, sad and happy. And sometimes our glass may be half empty.

But eventually our glass does become half full. Reality is that for various reasons we can feel overwhelmed, sad, and anxious but when we do, just remember the light will shine again and we are never alone. I challenge those out there today who may have their glass half full to walk a mile in my shoes and see how far you would get. Maybe you too would stumble and fall. But the thing for us all to remember is always get up and keep going; we will win the race, suppose we have to crawl past that finish line; we will get there. I pray God’s protection over all of us today and may today be the best day ever!

May 25, 2018

Lauren’s Incredible Journey Through Surgery

Having a child with special needs, opens your world to an whole new perspective on life. A world that is challenging, demanding, empowering, loving and hopeful. There are definitely many ups and many downs, each one bringing with it a flood of various emotions. With Cerebral Palsy every day is a new day, each day a new challenge, you never know what’s waiting around the next corner.

That’s what brings us here today at the Janeway Children’s Hospital. Lauren was admitted yesterday and her surgery is scheduled for 11 O’clock AM. Lauren will be having both a femoral and acetabulum osteotomy on her left hip.

Lauren was just taken into the OR and won’t be back until at least 4 O’clock, that makes it over a four hour surgery. You have no idea how we are feeling at this very moment, there are no words to describe it. Now we have to wait, there is nothing in our control. Her life is now in the doctor’s hands and we have to surrender her care to them. But I have to believe that there is a greater power at work here and He will take good care of her and bring her back to us.

It was a very long day, longer then expected really. She got back to Special Care around 6:30pm. Not all that responsive, not wanting to wake up, very weak. But that is all to be expected.

All day Thursday she slept most of the day. Her hemoglobin was down but they wanted to wait and see if she could build it up herself. The following morning it went down again so they had no choice but to give her a blood transfusion. Hoping this will help with getting some strength back and make her feel a little better. The neurologist is coming in soon. Her speech is very different, slurred sort of, could be meds but they want to make sure. So far now that’s the update; now we just wait again.

Neurologist confirmed that it’s her seizure medication plus all the pain medication, that’s making her over medicated and thus the slurred speech. So now she as to stay at the hospital until that’s clarified. We thought we were going to get out today (Friday) but that’s not going to happen. Hopefully tomorrow things will get better.

Well, tomorrow is here (Sat. May 19) and things are looking a little better. Lauren had pain through the night and still has slurred speech this morning. They done blood work again to see what her hemoglobin levels are; hopefully they are increasing. She’s still lying on her back and hasn’t been out of bed or sat up yet. She could really break your heart if you let it.

Logan as been a real trooper through all of this, he’s spent most of his days at the hospital with us. He is Sissy’s biggest fan and was very upset when she came up from the OR. He couldn’t understand why Sissy wasn’t talking to him, that was a first.

It’s Lauren’s fourth day in the hospital and she’s doing a lot better. She sat in the chair and went for a ride in her wheelchair. She still has pain and spasms but it’s mostly controlled by medication. Taking her home is going to be the hardest, getting accustomed to her being in a spica cast is certainly going to be a challenge.

Lauren is getting back to her fiesty self, thank God. She’s ready to exit this place and get home. It’s Monday (she came in on Tuesday) and it looks like we are going home. Scary and excited at the same time. She requires so much care and lifting; we know it’s going to be rough but we will do it.

Once she’s home, let the healing process begin. Because once she’s recovered from this surgery (around 3 weeks) it’s back in for more surgery on her right hip. Oh my, I don’t know how we are going to put her through this again; this will be her third hip surgery. It sounds so cruel and it is but it as to be done. It’s all part of a plan to help release some of Lauren’s spasticity so she can be a little more comfortable and help with some mobility. All of this seems so unfair, so cruel, so senseless and there’s not a thing we can do about it; helpless.

Once both hips are back in socket and she is fully recovered from both hip surgeries; it’s then we are off to the Children’s Shriner’s Hospital in Montreal. It’s there she will have a baclofen pump trial; to see if the baclofen will help to release some of her spasticity. Baclofen is a medication used to treat spasticity. If the trial works then she will have a surgery where a puck-like device will be inserted under the skin of her belly, called a baclofen pump and a tube going directly to the spine with a constant supply of baclofen when needed. Then the pump will need to be refilled every six weeks and the pump itself replaced every seven months. Which will have to be done surgically each time. Hopefully the baclofen pump will work for her. If not we are running out of options.

The only thing left would be the rhizotomy surgery on her spine. Which she is not a candidate for right now. This surgery is very invasive; they go into the spine and cut certain of the nerves that controls the spasticity to certain muscles and permanently release some of her spasticity. This is the surgery that we feel as her parents, would benefit her the most. It would give her some form of mobility and comfort; long term. Unfortunately, we are not the ones making that decision.

All of this seems so overwhelming as parents; and it really is. Everyday is long, tiring and unpredictable but we do what we have to do. Life is so different now, we have to trust in an higher power for strength because we could never do this in our own strength. I wish I could take Lauren’s CP away, she is so bright, funny, strong, courageous, beautiful and deserves to walk. Sometimes life is just not fair!

May 5, 2018

A Mental Breakdown

It’s been practically six years since I had my last total mental breakdown. I have no problems admitting to that; if I had an heart attack I would have no trouble talking about it. My brain is an organ of the body just has my heart is and things can go wrong with any organ in our bodies. And neither should flaw our character. It just so happened that mine was my brain. The journey that I have traveled as certainly not been an easy one, a one that requires much strength, courage and fight. And to you who are out there who know what I’m talking about through your own experience with a mental illness, can truly relate.

So you may ask, it’s six years, what’s new? If I really told you, you’d be sorry for asking. But I will try to give you some insight into what’s going on with my mental health at this stage of the game.

I wish I could say things are great and I’ve never felt better but that would be lying and I want to be real. When the reality of this disorder is; there is no cure, but the most the medical field can do is to manage the symptoms and to hopefully restore me to a functioning level. I guess that’s where I am today; at a place where I can somewhat function in the real world but still requires medical support, much like many other illnesses. The mental health clinicians and physicians use a scale called the GAF- Global Assessment of Functioning. It’s a numeric scale to rate subjectively the social, occupational and psychological functioning of an individual, ex.: how well one is meeting various problems-in-living. Scores range from 100(extremely high functioning) to 1(severely impaired). So using this scale I can say when I first became ill, at my acute stage, I was probably a one. Today I am around 60 on the scale. Doing much better, but not back to my outgoing, risk taking, ambitious, creative self. It’s here I believe society has the misconception of what a ‘mental breakdown’ is. I wasn’t going around like a ravishing lunatic, has probably most would think. No, I was the complete opposite; I was stripped of everything I was. My being was gone, my will to live was gone, my strength was gone, my personality was gone; I was reduced to nothing. But a soul crying out to be free of this hell that I was captured in. A soul just crying out for help. That’s what a mental breakdown is, so don’t judge; if you have a brain, you are not exempt!

My illness as still stolen so much from me that I will probably never get back to where I was. I still have extreme problems with concentration, mental fatigue, loosing my train of thought and being able to be quick and alert with my thought process. And no matter how hard I try, it just sometimes isn’t there and that can be very frustrating. But I work with it and just by blogging I believe I stimulate my brain to do amazing things, thanks to God.

My last visit to my physician I was basically told this is as good as it gets. We have tried everything available and for me that’s very discouraging. No I didn’t get a death sentence but for someone who lives this illness everyday of their lives, then that is what it seems like. And because my brain isn’t always able to analyze or reason my sometimes troubled thoughts, I find it harder to cope. But I live each day as best I can, with what I have. But my illness will not control my life! I believe by openly talking about it; I take back the power. By keeping silent I believe you are admitting to yourself that you are weak, ashamed, you are worthless. hopeless and a nobody. But in reality you are courageous, strong, worthy and a somebody. You can be a VICTOR; not a victim. A winner not a loser, YOU MATTER! I MATTER!

For the past six years, that works out to be 2,190 days, I have gotten out of bed and said, ‘God , please just let me have one ‘good’ day.’ A day with no pain, fear or sadness; just a day where I can just enjoy my family and not be enslaved by this illness. I live in hopes that one morning I will awake and it’s gone but maybe that morning won’t come until I see my Maker, face to face. But for each day until then I pray for strength, sunshine and hope to flood my life. And may I always walk with my head held high, my hand outstretched to someone else in need and my heart filled with God’s love and compassion.

May 3, 2018

Negative Feedback!

I’ve often asked myself the question; Why do I blog anyway? Why bother? Why would I put myself ‘out there’? Why put energy and time into writing in the first place? It’s not like I was getting paid for it. Why take the chance of being ridiculed, bullied, scorned or negatively impacted? It would be so much easier to not bother at all. To just sit in the corner and pretend I have the perfect life. That would be so nice, but I’d be lying. I’d be painting a picture of myself that wasn’t real.

My writing is twofold. First of all, I write for my own benefit. Writing is therapy! It’s like taking the cover off a boiling pot, it releases the pressure on the inside. So for me, a sufferer of depression and anxiety, it’s a form of treatment. And no, I am not ashamed, nor do I need to be, of having a mental illness. And if writing is going to help my recovery , then I will write/blog. If you have a problem with that then you have the option of blocking me from your Facebook account. Just don’t read my blogs anymore, no one is forcing you to do so.

You know I don’t even feel angry at people who dislike my blogs, not even sad; I feel SORRY for you! If you have followed my blogging since I started and today you still have this attitude of prejudice, stigmatizing, arrogant and lack of understanding; then you are never going to ‘get it’ and I will keep you in my prayers. And please, just don’t follow me anymore, there is a delete button; if you know how to use it.

I believe my writing ability is a gift from God, and if He sees it as a positive influence, then I must certainly write and use it for His glory.And if you have a problem with that, you will have to take it up with Him.

My second reason for writing/blogging is to help others who are experiencing similar circumstances and or deal with a mental disorder on a daily basis. To break down the walls of stigma, to help people realize they have nothing to be ashamed of. We have an illness; not a defect! I challenge those who think they have the right to judge someone with a mental illness, to show me their ‘perfect’ mental health. We all have our challenges in life; some probably more than others. It’s also my intentions to let those out there know that they are not alone, they needn’t suffer in silence. There will always be people who don’t understand and that’s fine. We don’t live in a perfect world but let’s do our part to make it a little better place to live. With so much evil, ignorance, stigma and hatred in our world today; let’s shine our light and help diminish some of the darkness.

And to those out there who doesn’t share my enthusiasm and love for helping others; I really do feel sorry for you. May God work a miracle in your life today. John 15:13 ‘Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends’.

April 30, 2018

I’m ANGRY!

Anger isn’t an emotion that I like to feel. But I’m human and today I’m angry. I’m not angry at God, He is the one and only person that I know I can pour my heart out to and He understands. So no, I’m not angry at God; He’s my Rock, my burden bearer, my healer, my friend.

So often we have the tendency to blame God for anything that goes wrong or is wrong in the world. I’m guilty of doing that myself but this morning I realized that He is not to blame for what’s going wrong but is to be praised for what is going right and know that He is with us when things aren’t going so well. And sometimes He even allows these things to happen to make us stronger. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”….”For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Lots of times we feel guilty when we become angry because “Christians” shouldn’t feel that way. Well we do feel that way sometimes and that’s okay. Jesus became angry on several occasions; In Matthew 21:12-13, He became angry at those who were exchanging money at the Temple. In Mark 3:5 “He looked around at them with anger”. Jesus was angry at times, yet did not sin, Hebrews 4:15. And likewise, believers in Christ are taught, “Be angry and do not sin” Ephesians 4:26. While anger is often viewed as a completely negative emotion, there are times a person can be angry for appropriate reasons. In Jesus case, His anger was the result of ungodly attitudes and actions by those around Him.

So today I feel my anger is totally justified for good. I guess you could say I’m angry at “the System”, medical that is. You see, Lauren was scheduled for hip surgery on March 12th; much to our dismay it was cancelled, no explanation, no rescheduled appointment, nothing. Now here is a four years old little girl going around with “two” dislocated hips, in pain; totally inhumane in my opinion. After several calm and polite phone calls to inquire about a rescheduled surgery date, we were given nothing. So on April 30th (now a month and an half as gone by) I decided I’ve had enough and we have to get a date to get this surgery done.

I introduced myself to the secretary on the phone, and stated my case and said if I hadn’t heard back from her doctor by the evening, I would take my story to the NTV News. Now up to this point she could not tell me when or if Lauren was going to get this surgery done. Yet here was Lauren still going around with two dislocated hips, had to take her out of swimming because it hurt too much, couldn’t do physio therapy anymore, couldn’t sit crisscross and in pain.

Maybe ten minutes later my phone rang, her doctor was on the other end with an appointment for May 16th. Now if I didn’t get angry, would we have gotten that appointment? I think not! Ten minutes before and the appointment secretary didn’t have one. i’m sure they won’t be rolling out the red carpet for me at the Janeway, anytime soon. But I’m not trying to win any popularity contest with them, I’m trying to get the best healthcare for our child who deserves nothing less but the best. And right now I feel she’s not getting that and I will not give up without a fight. Although this may exhaust me of every ounce of strength that I have, I will not give up! You Go Lauren!

So Lauren, when the Janeway may have given up; Mommy and Daddy haven’t and will never. And remember the Great Physician has the last word! Matthew 19:14 “But Jesus said, suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of Heaven.”