It’s late November, a very misty,foggy, mild day. But it’s November, where’s the white blanket of snow and the cold frosty air? Oh right, we’re in Newfoundland where the seasons change every ten minutes, but I’m not complaining because shovelling snow is not my idea of fun. The push is on now to get the Christmas decorating done and that takes me forever because I can only do a little at a time. If I tried to do it all at once, I would just get overwhelmed and my anxiety would go through the roof.
It’s kind of ironic the things we take for granted because there was a time when those kind of tasks didn’t trigger my anxiety; it was total enjoyment. But now I have to work a little harder at keeping anxiety under control and that requires work on my part, which exhaust me and steals the joy from the things that once I so much enjoyed. I know that’s hard for some people who haven’t suffered from major anxiety to understand, and that’s okay. But my goal here is to educate those who don’t ‘get it’ and to let those who do ‘get it’ to know that they are not alone.
This illness is so disabling and crippling (major depression and anxiety) that it makes you feel like you’re different, you’re not normal, you’re flawed; that you’re going around trying to imitate everyone else that you think is ‘normal’. Trying so desperately just to fit in. But truthfully, there are so many times that I feel I just don’t fit in, I’m different. And that feeling is so isolating.
Since Lauren was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, and I’m not comparing the two for similarities but it gives me a better understanding of what different and isolated really feels like. No matter what you think or say, there is still such an enormous stigma that is attached to a wheelchair. Just for example sake; it was just yesterday we went to a birthday party with Lauren. And just for the moment I began to observe how the other children interacted with her. And I realized that a lot of them, not all, were staring at her like she had some contagious disease, like they had never seen a wheelchair before in their lives. And no, this was not just my thinking but when we left, Lisa pointed out the same observance. It was very sad, especially in today’s society where kids are exposed to so much but yet still looked at Lauren as if she was different. And yes she is different but no different then a kid that was wearing glasses, hearing aids, kids with diabetes or me with my mental illness. In one way or another we are all different, I guess some differences we just can’t see, and because we can’t see them they are looked upon as ‘normal’. So sad but yet so true.
I guess for us it’s accepting the fact that that’s the way things are. And some things will never change, no matter how much we try to educate and no matter how much we advocate, some things will never fully change. We just have to embrace those who do and accept those who don’t ‘get it’. And realize that there are still those out there living in their perfect world, with their arrogance and ignorance and for those we will say a little prayer.
I think I lost the blueprint for my life. The life I have is so blurred and out of my control that I feel lost in the whirlwind and I’m just spinning on an hamster wheel and getting nowhere. I believe when we’re young and full of anticipation of what we want in life, what we will be in life, we dream big. And there’s nothing wrong with that except sometimes those dreams don’t always happen the way we planned, the blueprint we had planned and designed for our life gets lost and we are left disappointed, frustrated and unhappy.
I feel like I lost my ability to write; I just stare at my paper and nothing happens. Not that there’s nothing to write about, maybe just that there’s too much going through this head of mine and I don’t know how to express it anymore. Almost like, what’s the point? Who’s listening? Who cares? The last few days have been tough, and I mean tough, unexplainable tough.
‘The quality of being thankful, readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness’. That’s how google defines gratitude, that just doesn’t do it justice. Gratitude doesn’t just come from your mouth has words but from your heart. It’s an overflowing of thankfulness that is felt only from deep inside. There were days I thought I would never feel gratitude again.
It’s kind of ironic that it’s when I’m in the most pain, it’s then I can write the most. It doesn’t take away the pain, it just helps to alleviate it a little. Gives me the feeling that I’m talking to someone, that I’m baring my soul to them, which in turn lightens the load a little.
Can you believe it; Halloween as come and gone once again for another year. The ghosts and goblins have disappeared into the misty night once again, to return next year. One seasonal event leaves and another is about to burst into full bloom, the spirit of Christmas. It seems Christmas comes earlier now then when we were children.
It’s Fall, one of the most beautiful, scenic seasons of all. The bright, vivid colors of leaves as they hold on tightly to the trees; not wanting to fall off. The cool, fresh, clean air of the wind whispers the ghostly sounds of Halloween. Winter is fast approaching with it’s chilly winds, sparkling blankets of snow and all the trees are laden by the weight of the white, sugar-like powder on it’s branches. The seasons come and go, we have no say in when and where, much like the seasons of our lives. Life is built around seasons; some cold and sad, some warm and happy, others filled with uncertainty and unpredictability but this one thing we know; they will come and then they will go. Nothing last forever, not even the seasons of life.
“Perhaps the butterfly is proof that we can go through a great deal of darkness yet still become something beautiful.” The third stage of a butterfly’s life is called the chrysalis. This is where the caterpillar forms itself into a cocoon. Inside this small, dark chrysalis is where all the action takes place and the caterpillar is transformed by metamorphosis into a beautiful butterfly.
