Day: December 20, 2019

It’s now 9:50 pm and I just survived one of the worse days of my life. And this had nothing to do with anything that was happening in my life. But this had everything to do with my mental illness; and that is what living with a chronic, treatment resistant, mental illness can do to you. It can totally destroy your day by holding you captive inside your mind. Maybe on the outside no one noticed, and I don’t believe anyone did. So basically I spent my day trying to be just okay. And I did, I survived and it’s only now I am feeling some sense of relief; and that’s why I can write about it right now. I could not have done this at any other point of the day.

Living with a mental illness is near impossible to explain unless you have experienced it for yourself. It’s sad really when people ‘get it’ when you have any other illness. They can empathize with you; they can understand and share in your feelings, even if they have never experienced it for themselves. The reason I believe this to be so is because there is no judgement, no stigma, no shame attached to any physical illness. But once it becomes a mental illness, the tables are turned. And that is why so many people suffering from a mental illness, do so in silence. Because they know the way in which society today still view and judge someone with a mental illness, they still don’t ‘get it’.

I know what I’m talkng about because I have lived this hell for all my life. And for most of that time I was ashamed, embarrassed and lived behind a wall of shame. Sadly, not a lot as changed, yes we may talk about it a little more through the media but are we really ‘getting it?’ Do we realize that it is an illness and not a weakness, a character flaw; that a mental illness and physicl illness are one and the same. Why do we still separate the two? Our brain is an organ of the physical body just as much as the heart, liver, kidneys and all other organs of the body are. This is, in my opinion the first step in understanding what mentl illness really is and an even bigger step in breaking down the wall of stigma.

Even today I suffered in silence because I didn’t want to burden my family or let my children see how Daddy was really feeling on the inside; I was protecting them from being exposed to the very ugly side of this illness. And I felt I didn’t want to talk to my wife or family because in my mind I was thinking that they must be tired of hearing about my depression. I was also feeling; what’s the point? There are no answers, there was nothing that anyone could really do for me, that could take away my pain. So even after all these years of suffering from my illness, I still have times when I hide the way I truly feel. It’s kind of ironic that I speak so openly about my illness through my blogs but still find it difficult at times to share it face to face. It’s much easier to share by just writing my thoughts on paper. Yet my advice to someone who is suffering from depression and anxiety is to talk to someone. But even for me there are times when I don’t always practice what I preach.

Although my brain was telling me not to talk to anyone, yet I knew from experience that I had to. I was feeling guilty and ashamd because I should not be feeling this way. But again why should guilt and shame have to play a role in this illness? It’s an illness after all; but it’s the illness that is telling your mind all those distorted thoughts. So eventually I knew I had to talk to someone. I was home alone, with no one to talk to. But eventually I messaged my best friend (who I’m thinking must be sick of hearing about my’bad days’); and notice I said messaged. I didn’t have the courage to talk on the phone. Talking seemed impossible for me to do. So ‘Messenger’ was going to be my choice of communicating, it was easier that way. My advice to someone who is suffering in silence today is, you have to talk to someone, you can’t survive this illness without support.

It’s now 10 am, the next morning and I’m feeling no better, worse really, now I’m becoming really scared. What if this is going to explode into an all out breakdown? It can’t happen, I won’t survive another breakdown and neither would my family. Mental illness is capable of tearing apart the best of marriages. Our’s is no exception and mental illness is a consuming fire that can destroy anything in it’s path. And I was not about to let that happen. At that moment I thought what is going on, why now? Was it the onset of the Christms Season? Was it all affecting me in a negative manner; subconsciously. I didn’t know. But then it hit me; did you take your medcation? To be honest, I have never forgotten to take my medication religiously, it’s the first thing I do every day. But for some reason I just forgot and normally medication time is 7:30 am, now it’s 10 am. And what I’m feeling is withdrawal! Needless to say, I wasted no time getting that medication into my body. I couldn’t even stand I was so weak and shivering, I lay down and slept until about 12:30 pm. And when I awakened those disturbing symptoms of a relaspe were gone. I prayed, ‘Oh God, please let that be the cause of my supposedly onset of a breakdown. I knew from past experiences, that was what it felt like. So for those of you who are on medication, please don’t do what I done and forget to take your medicaion but make it a part of your daily routine. We cannot afford to skip our scheduled dose, it can really throw your head into a spin. Although I was diagnosed, treatment resistant, doesn’t mean medication can’t still help, it does obviously. It means I don’t respond well to medication and other forms of treatment as others may.

So today I fight once again this ugly beast; because this is a chronic illness for me, everyday is a battle. Some days feel like I’m winning and then there are other days when I feel I’m loosing to this monster. But what options do I have? I fight with every ounce of strength that I have within me. And hopefully that strength never runs out. Because if it does, I’m in big trouble. And I would also acknowledge God’s presence in my life. Even on days when I don’t feel Him, I can still see Him by the eye of faith. I have to believe that He is watching over us. Isaiah 43:2 (New International Version) “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” God did not promise a life without hardships, sickness and troubles but He did promise He would be with us. So with my mental illness I believe I have passed through the waters, passed through the rivers and I have walked through the fire. But there is one thing I know; I did not go through this illness alone because He promised, ‘I will be with you.’ And He is with you too, no matter what you are facing today!