Month: December 2019

Posted on

Exposing Mental Illness

It’s now 9:50 pm and I just survived one of the worse days of my life. And this had nothing to do with anything that was happening in my life. But this had everything to do with my mental illness; and that is what living with a chronic, treatment resistant, mental illness can do to you. It can totally destroy your day by holding you captive inside your mind. Maybe on the outside no one noticed, and I don’t believe anyone did. So basically I spent my day trying to be just okay. And I did, I survived and it’s only now I am feeling some sense of relief; and that’s why I can write about it right now. I could not have done this at any other point of the day.

Living with a mental illness is near impossible to explain unless you have experienced it for yourself. It’s sad really when people ‘get it’ when you have any other illness. They can empathize with you; they can understand and share in your feelings, even if they have never experienced it for themselves. The reason I believe this to be so is because there is no judgement, no stigma, no shame attached to any physical illness. But once it becomes a mental illness, the tables are turned. And that is why so many people suffering from a mental illness, do so in silence. Because they know the way in which society today still view and judge someone with a mental illness, they still don’t ‘get it’.

I know what I’m talkng about because I have lived this hell for all my life. And for most of that time I was ashamed, embarrassed and lived behind a wall of shame. Sadly, not a lot as changed, yes we may talk about it a little more through the media but are we really ‘getting it?’ Do we realize that it is an illness and not a weakness, a character flaw; that a mental illness and physicl illness are one and the same. Why do we still separate the two? Our brain is an organ of the physical body just as much as the heart, liver, kidneys and all other organs of the body are. This is, in my opinion the first step in understanding what mentl illness really is and an even bigger step in breaking down the wall of stigma.

Even today I suffered in silence because I didn’t want to burden my family or let my children see how Daddy was really feeling on the inside; I was protecting them from being exposed to the very ugly side of this illness. And I felt I didn’t want to talk to my wife or family because in my mind I was thinking that they must be tired of hearing about my depression. I was also feeling; what’s the point? There are no answers, there was nothing that anyone could really do for me, that could take away my pain. So even after all these years of suffering from my illness, I still have times when I hide the way I truly feel. It’s kind of ironic that I speak so openly about my illness through my blogs but still find it difficult at times to share it face to face. It’s much easier to share by just writing my thoughts on paper. Yet my advice to someone who is suffering from depression and anxiety is to talk to someone. But even for me there are times when I don’t always practice what I preach.

Although my brain was telling me not to talk to anyone, yet I knew from experience that I had to. I was feeling guilty and ashamd because I should not be feeling this way. But again why should guilt and shame have to play a role in this illness? It’s an illness after all; but it’s the illness that is telling your mind all those distorted thoughts. So eventually I knew I had to talk to someone. I was home alone, with no one to talk to. But eventually I messaged my best friend (who I’m thinking must be sick of hearing about my’bad days’); and notice I said messaged. I didn’t have the courage to talk on the phone. Talking seemed impossible for me to do. So ‘Messenger’ was going to be my choice of communicating, it was easier that way. My advice to someone who is suffering in silence today is, you have to talk to someone, you can’t survive this illness without support.

It’s now 10 am, the next morning and I’m feeling no better, worse really, now I’m becoming really scared. What if this is going to explode into an all out breakdown? It can’t happen, I won’t survive another breakdown and neither would my family. Mental illness is capable of tearing apart the best of marriages. Our’s is no exception and mental illness is a consuming fire that can destroy anything in it’s path. And I was not about to let that happen. At that moment I thought what is going on, why now? Was it the onset of the Christms Season? Was it all affecting me in a negative manner; subconsciously. I didn’t know. But then it hit me; did you take your medcation? To be honest, I have never forgotten to take my medication religiously, it’s the first thing I do every day. But for some reason I just forgot and normally medication time is 7:30 am, now it’s 10 am. And what I’m feeling is withdrawal! Needless to say, I wasted no time getting that medication into my body. I couldn’t even stand I was so weak and shivering, I lay down and slept until about 12:30 pm. And when I awakened those disturbing symptoms of a relaspe were gone. I prayed, ‘Oh God, please let that be the cause of my supposedly onset of a breakdown. I knew from past experiences, that was what it felt like. So for those of you who are on medication, please don’t do what I done and forget to take your medicaion but make it a part of your daily routine. We cannot afford to skip our scheduled dose, it can really throw your head into a spin. Although I was diagnosed, treatment resistant, doesn’t mean medication can’t still help, it does obviously. It means I don’t respond well to medication and other forms of treatment as others may.

So today I fight once again this ugly beast; because this is a chronic illness for me, everyday is a battle. Some days feel like I’m winning and then there are other days when I feel I’m loosing to this monster. But what options do I have? I fight with every ounce of strength that I have within me. And hopefully that strength never runs out. Because if it does, I’m in big trouble. And I would also acknowledge God’s presence in my life. Even on days when I don’t feel Him, I can still see Him by the eye of faith. I have to believe that He is watching over us. Isaiah 43:2 (New International Version) “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” God did not promise a life without hardships, sickness and troubles but He did promise He would be with us. So with my mental illness I believe I have passed through the waters, passed through the rivers and I have walked through the fire. But there is one thing I know; I did not go through this illness alone because He promised, ‘I will be with you.’ And He is with you too, no matter what you are facing today!

Posted on

Defining Depression

How do you put on paper what your heart is yearning to say? Words are just that; words! But putting those words in a sentence that makes sense and expresses how you feel, well that’s not so easy to do. Words can only speak, but only the heart can truly feel what it is you truly want to express. I have tried so desperately to portray my thoughts and feelings in my Blog: www.harrislisa72.com entitled; ‘Life and Times of The Tuckers.’ With the caption attached; ‘Living with depression and anxiety. Raising a child with cerebral palsy. The ups and downs of life; the rain and the sunshine.’ I have written a total of 173 posts/blogs on this website and I feel I have only scratched the surface (written from January 2017-November 2019).

I won’t lie to you and tell you that life is wonderful and easy. When I’m having a very bad day, and I’m just referring here to my depression and anxiety, life is anything but wonderful and easy. Each moment of the day is a fight, a fight to just survive. Each day is a challenge, nothing comes easy anymore, not even the little things. I would just like to elaborate on some defining symptoms of this battlefield of the mind.

For me, when my pain is so intense, I feel like I don’t want to live anymore, that’s what depression can do to you, but yet I don’t want to die either. The constant pain and torment lessens your will to live. It would be so much easier to die and escape this living hell. But yet deep down, you really know that’s not what you really want. You just want to live, but really live without the constant struggle to survive. Life should be so much more then just surviving. I’ve often said to my doctor, ‘if this is living, then I am not living.’ Depression steals the joy, enthusiasm, your reason for living, your purpose; it steals ‘YOU’! And everyday you are constantly trying to find that ‘you’ that once you were. He’s in there somewhere but just can’t seem to escape the prison of the mind.

Depression can be defined as the overpowering need to isolate yourself from the rest of the world. There’s the inability to socialize, the wanting to just hide under a rock. That outgoing, social ‘icon’ that once I was is now turned into somewhat of a recluse. But that is the last thing I want, the last thing I need. When you suffer from depression you feel totally alone, you could be in a crowded room but feel like you are the only person there. Lonely is your constant companion. But we know we are created for companionship, we  crave affection and love. Living in isolation will only make our depression worse and that is why I need people around me, a form of support.

And then there’s the worse part of the day; the morning! A major defining symptom of depression is the fear of the day to come. How am I ever going to survive it? Constant fatigue and tiredness overwhelms my body and mind. I wonder how I can get out of bed, but then I say; ‘Okay God, it’s me and you, I can’t do this alone. So let’s do this! And the day begins. On the not so good days, I long for night to come. I know then, I have survived another day. Maybe sleep will provide an escape; a reprieve. And yet in spite of my depression and anxiety, I live my best life with what I have and try to make the best of everyday.

I can define/describe depression in so many other ways; living in a dark hole, loss of memory and concentration, having no desire to do the things you once loved to do. Depression has the power to redefine who you are (if you let it); It can consume your every thought and lessen you to a different person; to someone who as lost all confidence in oneself, convincing you that you are worthless and useless. No matter how hard I try, life becomes unbearable and overwhelming to a point where you don’t know how you can go on. But you know in reality, that is your illness talking; it distorts your thinking patterns.  The American Psychiatric Association defines major depressive disorder as ‘a common and serious MEDICAL illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.’

We are presently experiencing the ‘Season to be Jolly.’ I love Christmas, a little too much sometimes; I don’t know when to stop decorating. I was warned to tone it down this year, but how do ‘I’ tone down Christmas? My idea of toning it down is someone else’s idea of being overdone, too funny! But that’s not what Christmas is all about, there’s more to it then just decorations. For a lot of people Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year. It’s that time of the year when we are expected to be happy, joyful and glad. But what if we suffer from depression and anxiety; Christmas can be an enormous trigger. It can trigger so many symptoms of depression; loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, fatigue, anxiousness; all for various reasons. I pray this Christmas that all who suffer from mental illness, will feel the peace that came to earth on that first Christmas morning. Isaiah 9:6 ‘For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder; and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, THE PRINCE OF PEACE.’