Because I have lived my whole life with a mental illness, I have learned never to take my mental health for granted. And at times when my depression, anxiety and panic attacks have gone into remission, controlled by medication or I have been experiencing a reprieve from it’s overpowering control, then I have realized that I need to enjoy every moment that I can. And experience life to it’s fullest, because you don’t know what morning you are going to be awakened by it’s ugly presence.
The past few weeks I have struggled with panic, so intensely that it haunts and terrifies me. I’m just after having a period of time, for about two years, when my panic attacks were gone. My mind and body can experience a panic attack without warning, whether asleep or awake. A panic attack is defined as, ‘the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms: Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate. Sweating. Trembling or shaking. Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering.’ And over the past several nights, I’ve been awakened from my fragile sleep by one of the worse attacks of my mental illness. I say this because you literally feel that you are loosing control of your life and you are going to die. If you have not suffered from panic attacks, be grateful and never take a day for granted. Please remember I am not comparing my illness with any other illness and it’s not my intention to make it appear that I have the ‘poor me syndrome’, I know there are people that have it worse. But do remember it is the purpose of my blog to educate, help to tear down the walls of stigma that surrounds mental illness and to be a support for people who suffer from mental illness.
And that’s why today I want to speak to those of you who have good mental health. I know you can never understand where I am coming from and what it feels like to have to fight every day of your life to just experience a ray of sunshine. Please don’t take it for granted and use it for good, use it to make this world a better place to live. I’m opening my heart to you today and hoping that you will never have to experience what mental illness really is.
I also want to address those of you who have a healthy mind and you are abusing and destroying it by using anything you can find to alter it. You have what I want so badly; a healthy mind. But yet here you are destroying one of the most valuable organs in your body. That organ that makes you who you are, your decision maker, your personality, your ability to feel. The next time you go to use drugs abusively, think twice, don’t do it. You are so blessed to have an healthy mind/brain; please don’t destroy it. I would give my life to have what you have; but I don’t and probably never will. Please say no to drugs!
I work with what I have and many days that feels like not much. My mental illness as become a battle that I have to fight every day. Maybe one day, I may find relief, find freedom, find the sunshine again. But until then, I will keep fighting, even on days when I feel like I’m not winning. I have come so far over the past few years and for that I am truly thankful. Although I feel I still have a long way to go, I’m still in the race, sometimes running, sometimes walking, other days crawling but I cannot give up. And I encourage those who are suffering from a mental illness, you are not alone. Keep fighting; you are strong, courageous and brave!