Winter as finally passed and Spring is so desperately trying to unfold. With Spring comes that feeling of new life, new beginnings, fresh hope and a warmth that inspires the soul. The cold, chilly winter season as reluctantly become another memory in time. Much as happened; good and bad. But yet we have survived another season; another season of life.
I can’t honestly say that the past several months hasn’t come without it’s tough times. It’s been rough on all of us, to say our life is simple, would be an understatement. Living with mental illness and cerebral palsy would be enough to send any family’s life into a whirlwind. And lots of days that’s what it feels like; you are living in a whirlwind. Where life is spinning out of control and you’re fighting to hold the pieces together. Some days you may feel like you’re winning and other days like you are loosing the fight.
With my mental illness, I must say it’s still an everyday struggle but most days now, I feel it’s a struggle that I am winning. I guess it’s like someone who has diabetes, they still have it but they have it under control. And for me with my depression and anxiety, I feel on most days I have it under control. But each day still requires a lot of self talk, keeping my thoughts from becoming distorted and unrealistic, trying to keep life as ‘normal’ as possible and live in the moment. Is this easy to do? No, not at all but if I am going to beat this living hell, then this is what I have to do on a daily bases, if I am going to survive; I can never let my guard down. And maybe with this new season of Spring may come new life, new hope and new beginnings for all of us.
Lauren has certainly had her share of pain, hurt and uncertainties. The cold winter months have found her spending most of it in bed, recovering from two major hip surgeries, that can only be described as horrific. No child should have to suffer what this child as endured and will still have to endure in the months to come. Her first hip surgery was performed in May 2018, the second was done September 2018. It’s now April 2019 and it’s only now that I can say that she is bouncing back from her ordeals. She as missed majority of her school year in kindergarten. We are now in the process of gradually introducing her back into the school setting, which as to be done slowly, cautiously and at her own pace, due to her high levels of anxiety. But she is doing fairly well and her school as been so accommodating during this transition period and for that we are so thankful.
Life for us as parents of a disabled child will never be the same again. And I don’t say that in a selfish way but in a realistic way. I know that the only parents that will truly understand what I mean; are parents that are privileged to have a disabled child. Lauren may be six years of age but right now we still have a six year old baby. We do the exact same things for her now as when she was a baby. Except now it’s harder because she as grown to be a big girl, who requires constant lifting. And the 24/7 care doesn’t end and doesn’t get any easier.
I believe that life for all of us at this season of Lauren’s life is a little tougher. Lauren is so aware, so intelligent and so full of questions; questions that we don’t always know how to answer. For instance, yesterday we were going outside and out of nowhere she asked, “Daddy why do I have to be in a wheelchair?” I’m sorry but I wish that no child would ever have to ask that question. She’s realizing now, more then ever, especially since she’s gone back to school; that not all kid’s are in wheelchairs. So she’s wondering and asking, why am I in a wheelchair? It was only recently she asked Lisa, “Mommy, when you were a little girl, were you in a wheelchair?” How can we live without having a broken heart? There will always be moments like these when our hearts are torn from our bodies. And just one more heart wrenching moment, when she asked me while we were just lying in her bed, “Daddy did you see me when I done a cartwheel?” And I lied and said, “Yes my angel and that was the best cartwheel I have ever seen in my life”.
Nature may have four distinct seasons; Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer. All of which will come and go at it’s own designated times. Much like the seasons of life. Right now I am at a different season in my mental health then I was last year at this time. And right now Lauren is at a different season of her cerebral palsy and we have discovered that those seasons are forever evolving and changing. We just have to learn to adjust to each individual season and to learn to find warmth in the coldness, sunshine in the rain, new life amidst the dying dreams. Healing and hope when the season as gone.