‘The quality of being thankful, readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness’. That’s how google defines gratitude, that just doesn’t do it justice. Gratitude doesn’t just come from your mouth has words but from your heart. It’s an overflowing of thankfulness that is felt only from deep inside. There were days I thought I would never feel gratitude again.
It’s been years since I’ve been able to live a normal, functional life. The disabling, crippling disease of mental illness has stolen from my life immensely. But everyday I live my best life, despite my illness, some days better then others. And everyday, little by little I have fought to regain some of my ‘normal life’. Times when I wouldn’t be overwhelmed with anxiety and fear when I attempted to perform life’s simple task. For me, the simple task that I would normally just do without even thinking; now have turned into a mountain of anxiety.
But today I am so grateful for the simple things that I now can perform. One in particular I have to share with you, to help you understand my point. It’s been six years since I have driven on the Trans Canada Highway. Lauren is presently admitted to the Janeway Children’s Hospital. Lisa stays with her and I visit when I can because one of us as to stay with Logan. I was forced into a position where if I wanted to be with Lauren while Logan was in school, I had to overcome this phobia. How am I ever going to do this? When my brain says, ‘you can’t!’
I stayed home one day because Logan had to go skating with his school class and a parent had to be present. I knew I couldn’t stay away from the hospital for two days and my pride didn’t want to ask anyone to give me a lift to the hospital (only an hour away). But to me that seemed like a six hour drive. But I was determined.
The problems, trials, sicknesses and uncertainties, have moved in, in abundance. Making it next to impossible to feel gratitude for anything. When everything else was so overwhelming and drowned any feelings of gratitude that tried to seep in. Lauren’s Spring/Summer/Fall was basically spent in bed, lying on her back; due to one surgery after another. And we has her caregivers/parents were feeling the weight of the load. We were at the bottom of a very dark hole.
I knew we were running on empty, hope was depleting and our human strength was failing us. We were beginning to question, how can we go on? There was nothing humanly possible that anyone or ourselves could do, we were at, what felt like, a dead end. But I remembered my Dad (who is now passed) was a prayer warrior, a man of faith and strength. I was home alone, what did I have to loose. So to my knees I fell, if I could pray Heaven down to us, it was going to be today. And pray I did, for every ugly situation in our lives, that was out of our control. And do you know what? Heaven did come down! I prayed from the depths of my heart and soul, for the power of God to take over, I was done, now it was up to Him.
You may call it coincidence and foolishness. You may call it what you like, but I call it a visitation of the power of God. ‘He came to me, when I could not come to where He was, He came to me’. That night before Logan and I went to bed, Lisa texted me a picture of Lauren sitting in her wheelchair (a miracle), we hadn’t seen Lauren sit for months; she was always in a lying position when in cast or out. An here she was just the next day sitting, my heart leaped for joy ad gratitude. I could not believe what I was seeing, that’s impossible. But then again we serve the God of the impossible, anything is possible with Him. My hope was renewed.
And today I made that one hour trip to visit Lauren at the hospital, all by myself. It’s ironic because prior to my severe depression and anxiety; I could drive across Canada and probably wouldn’t think twice. But today I was not alone, I had an unseen passenger. There were many times in the pass six years I have questioned God’s presence and power but today I know He is present and is ever present.
Today I am filled with gratitude to God. “To God be the Glory, Great Things He Hath Done”. And great things I believe He will continue to do, if we just believe. Lord I Believe!