Month: May 2018

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My Glass Is Half Empty

Since I’m at a more advanced stage of my recovery; I read more. There was a time in my illness that I could not read a book or even watch television, my cell phone totally stressed me out; I couldn’t even touch it. And the computer, that was out of the question. For some seemingly silly reason, my brain would not allow me to entertain myself with anything of that nature. Everything basically frightened  me to death. I look back on those days now and wonder what was that all about; I could not explain it but it was sure real. And I certainly could not dismiss or choose what my thoughts were. But one thing I do know; it was real.

Most of my reading right now is centered around self help books. Books that would somehow enhance and improve my life. Some I agree with, others I have to question. One such book I’m reading now (I won’t give the name of the book, to protect the author; after all they have the right to their opinion as well). But I will quote from the book, the portion that I have to challenge and will share my own thoughts on. And the quote is, “Whether we see the glass as half full or half empty, whether we let someone else’s gloomy outlook drag us down, whether we choose to have a great day or not, is a matter of choice.”

Today is a perfect example of why I have to disagree with that statement. You see, today is a really ‘bad day’ for me, not by choice but dictated by my chemical imbalanced brain. My neurotransmitters are not at the levels they should be to maintain a ‘happy’ mood. The neurotransmitters that affect mood are serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. This explains why my mood is so low in the morning; its scientifically proven that serotonin levels are at their lowest at this time of day. So no matter what I want to choose today, happy or sad; my brain as already decided it for me. If it were a choice, I’d be the happiest man on earth. Why would someone ‘choose’ to be negative and sad? But that didn’t mean I didn’t choose to do positive things today; I still done things that helped to improve my day. I just had to make more of an effort to do them. And work a little harder to see that glass has half full.

We certainly live in a ‘it’s all about me society’. Never before have we lived in a period of time when life was so centered around; ‘what’s in it for me?’, not ‘what can I do for someone else?’ We are told to separate ourselves from someone else’s negative outlook, because negativity is contagious. Then why can’t the opposite be true? Isn’t it possible for positivity to be passed on. Why can’t we seek out those who are sad and down and maybe our positive, happy outlook would be passed on to them. And what a better place our world would be if we would sometimes put others before ourselves; it’s called selflessness. Mark 12:31 ‘The second most important command is this; ‘Love your neighbor the same as you love yourself…’

So to sum up my thoughts; sometimes people see the glass as half empty because sometimes that’s exactly what their brain is telling them. That’s not what they want to choose to believe but that’s what their mental illness is telling them. And sometimes in our lives we go through times when life presents itself as half empty. Death, sickness, divorce, financial ruin, natural disasters, crime and the list can go on. There are times when we are allowed to be sad and gloomy; sometimes for good reason. But this too shall pass, life does change; we all experience good and bad, sad and happy. And sometimes our glass may be half empty.

But eventually our glass does become half full. Reality is that for various reasons we can feel overwhelmed, sad, and anxious but when we do, just remember the light will shine again and we are never alone. I challenge those out there today who may have their glass half full to walk a mile in my shoes and see how far you would get. Maybe you too would stumble and fall. But the thing for us all to remember is always get up and keep going; we will win the race, suppose we have to crawl past that finish line; we will get there. I pray God’s protection over all of us today and may today be the best day ever!

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Lauren’s Incredible Journey Through Surgery

Having a child with  special needs, opens your world to an whole new perspective on life. A world that is challenging, demanding, empowering, loving and hopeful. There are definitely many ups and many downs, each one bringing with it a flood of various emotions. With Cerebral Palsy every day is a new day, each day a new challenge, you never know what’s waiting around the next corner.

That’s what brings us here today at the Janeway Children’s Hospital. Lauren was admitted yesterday and her surgery is scheduled for 11 O’clock AM. Lauren will be having both a femoral and acetabulum osteotomy on her left hip.

Lauren was just taken into the OR and won’t be back until at least 4 O’clock, that makes it over a four hour surgery. You have no idea how we are feeling at this very moment, there are no words to describe it. Now we have to wait, there is nothing in our control. Her life is now in the doctor’s hands and we have to surrender her care to them. But I have to believe that there is a greater power at work here and He will take good care of her and bring her back to us.

It was a very long day, longer then expected really. She got back to Special Care around 6:30pm. Not all that responsive, not wanting to wake up, very weak. But that is all to be expected.

All day Thursday she slept most of the day. Her hemoglobin was down but they wanted to wait and see if she could build it up herself. The following morning it went down again so they had no choice but to give her a blood transfusion. Hoping this will help with getting some strength back and make her feel a little better. The neurologist is coming in soon. Her speech is very different, slurred sort of, could be meds but they want to make sure. So far now that’s the update; now we just wait again.

Neurologist confirmed that it’s her seizure medication plus all the pain medication, that’s making her over medicated and thus the slurred speech. So now she as to stay at the hospital until that’s clarified. We thought we were going to get out today (Friday) but that’s not going to happen. Hopefully tomorrow things will get better.

Well, tomorrow is here (Sat. May 19) and things are looking a little better. Lauren had pain through the night and still has slurred speech this morning. They done blood work again to see what her hemoglobin levels are; hopefully they are increasing. She’s still lying on her back and  hasn’t been out of bed or sat up yet. She could really break your heart if you let it.

Logan as been a real trooper through all of this, he’s spent most of his days at the hospital with us. He is Sissy’s biggest fan and was very upset when she came up from the OR. He couldn’t understand why Sissy wasn’t talking to him, that was a first.

It’s Lauren’s fourth day in the hospital and she’s doing a lot better. She sat in the chair and went for a ride in her wheelchair. She still has pain and spasms but it’s mostly controlled by medication. Taking her home is going to be the hardest, getting accustomed to her being in a spica cast is certainly going to be a challenge.

Lauren is getting back to her fiesty self, thank God. She’s ready to exit this place and get home. It’s Monday (she came in on Tuesday) and it looks like we are going home. Scary and excited at the same time. She requires so much care and lifting; we know it’s going to be rough but we will do it.

Once she’s home, let the healing process begin. Because once she’s recovered from this surgery (around 3 weeks) it’s back in for more surgery on her right hip. Oh my, I don’t know how we are going to put her through this again; this will be her third hip surgery. It sounds so cruel and it is but it as to be done. It’s all part of a plan to help release some of Lauren’s spasticity so she can be a little more comfortable and help with some mobility. All of this seems so unfair, so cruel, so senseless and there’s not a thing we can do about it; helpless.

Once both hips are back in socket and she is fully recovered from both hip surgeries; it’s then we are off to the Children’s Shriner’s Hospital in Montreal. It’s there she will have a baclofen pump trial; to see if the baclofen will help to release some of her spasticity. Baclofen is a medication used to treat spasticity. If the trial works then she will have a surgery where a puck-like device will be inserted under the skin of her belly, called a baclofen pump and a tube going directly to the spine with a constant supply of baclofen when needed. Then the pump will need to be refilled every six weeks and the pump itself replaced every seven months. Which will have to be done surgically each time. Hopefully the baclofen pump will work for her. If not we are running out of options.

The only thing left would be the rhizotomy surgery on her spine. Which she is not a candidate for right now. This surgery is very invasive; they go into the spine and cut certain of the nerves that controls the spasticity to certain muscles and permanently release some of her spasticity. This is the surgery that we feel as her parents, would benefit her the most. It would give her some form of mobility and comfort; long term. Unfortunately, we are not the ones making that decision.

All of this seems so overwhelming as parents; and it really is. Everyday is long, tiring and unpredictable but we do what we have to do. Life is so different now, we have to trust in an higher power for strength because we could never do this in our own strength. I wish I could take Lauren’s CP away, she is so bright, funny, strong, courageous, beautiful and deserves to walk. Sometimes life is just not fair!

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A Mental Breakdown

It’s been practically six years since I had my last total mental breakdown. I have no problems admitting to that; if I had an heart attack I would have no trouble talking about it. My brain is an organ of the body just has my heart is and things can go wrong with any organ in our bodies. And neither should flaw our character. It just so happened that mine was my brain. The journey that I have traveled as certainly not been an easy one, a one that requires much strength, courage and fight. And to you who are out there who know what I’m talking about through your own experience with a mental illness, can truly relate.

So you may ask, it’s six years, what’s new? If I really told you, you’d be sorry for asking. But I will try to give you some insight into what’s going on with my mental health at this stage of the game.

I wish I could say things are great and I’ve never felt better but that would be lying and I want to be real. When the reality of this disorder is; there is no cure, but the most the medical field can do is to manage the symptoms and to hopefully restore me to a functioning level. I guess that’s where I am today; at a place where I can somewhat function in the real world but still requires medical support, much like many other illnesses. The mental health clinicians and physicians use a scale called the GAF- Global Assessment of Functioning. It’s a numeric scale to rate subjectively the social, occupational and psychological functioning of an individual, ex.: how well one is meeting various problems-in-living. Scores range from 100(extremely high functioning) to 1(severely impaired). So using this scale I can say when I first became ill, at my acute stage, I was probably a one. Today I am around 60 on the scale. Doing much better, but not back to my outgoing, risk taking, ambitious, creative self. It’s here I believe society has the misconception of what a ‘mental breakdown’ is. I wasn’t going around like a ravishing lunatic, has probably most would think. No, I was the complete opposite; I was stripped of everything I was. My being was gone, my will to live was gone, my strength was gone, my personality was gone; I was reduced to nothing. But a soul crying out to be free of this hell that I was captured in. A soul just crying out for help. That’s what a mental breakdown is, so don’t judge; if you have a brain, you are not exempt!

My illness as still stolen so much from me that I will probably never get back to where I was. I still have extreme problems with concentration, mental fatigue, loosing my train of thought and being able to be quick and alert with my thought process. And no matter how hard I try, it just sometimes isn’t there and that can be very frustrating. But I work with it and just by blogging I believe I stimulate my brain to do amazing things, thanks to God.

My last visit to my physician I was basically told this is as good as it gets. We have tried everything available and for me that’s very discouraging. No I didn’t get a death sentence but for someone who lives this illness everyday of their lives, then that is what it seems like. And because my brain isn’t always able to analyze or reason my sometimes troubled thoughts, I find it harder to cope. But I live each day as best I can, with what I have. But my illness will not control my life! I believe by openly talking about it; I take back the power. By  keeping silent I believe you are admitting to yourself that you are weak, ashamed, you are worthless. hopeless and a nobody. But in reality you are courageous, strong, worthy and a somebody. You can be a VICTOR; not a victim. A winner not a loser, YOU MATTER! I MATTER!

For the past six years, that works out to be 2,190 days, I have gotten out of bed and said, ‘God , please just let me have one ‘good’ day.’  A day with no pain, fear or sadness; just a day where I can just enjoy my family and not be enslaved by this illness. I live in hopes that one morning I will awake and it’s gone but maybe that morning won’t come until I see my Maker, face to face. But for each day until then I pray for strength, sunshine and hope to flood my life. And may I always walk with my head held high, my hand outstretched to someone else in need and my heart filled with God’s love and compassion.

 

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Negative Feedback!

I’ve often asked myself the question; Why do I blog anyway? Why bother? Why would I put myself ‘out there’? Why put energy and time into writing in the first place? It’s not like I was getting paid for it. Why take the chance of being ridiculed, bullied, scorned or negatively impacted? It would be so much easier to not bother at all. To just sit in the corner and pretend I have the perfect life. That would be so nice, but I’d be lying. I’d be painting a picture of myself that wasn’t real.

My writing is twofold. First of all, I write for my own benefit. Writing is therapy! It’s like taking the cover off a boiling pot, it releases the pressure on the inside. So for me, a sufferer of depression and anxiety, it’s a form of treatment. And no, I am not ashamed, nor do I need to be, of having a mental illness. And if writing is going to help my recovery , then I will write/blog. If you have a problem with that then you have the option of blocking me from your Facebook account. Just don’t read my blogs anymore, no one is forcing you to do so.

You know I don’t even feel angry at people who dislike my blogs, not even sad; I feel SORRY for you! If you have followed my blogging since I started and today you still have this attitude of prejudice, stigmatizing, arrogant and lack of understanding; then you are never going to ‘get it’ and I will keep you in my prayers. And please, just don’t follow me anymore, there is a delete button; if you know how to use it.

I believe my writing ability is a gift  from God, and if He sees it as a positive influence, then I must certainly write and use it for His glory.And if you have a problem with that, you will have to take it up with Him.

My second reason for writing/blogging is to help others who are experiencing similar circumstances and or deal with a mental disorder on a daily basis. To break down the walls of stigma, to help people realize they have nothing to be ashamed of. We have an illness; not a defect! I challenge those who think they have the right to judge someone with a mental illness, to show me their ‘perfect’ mental health. We all have our challenges in life; some probably more than others. It’s also my intentions to let those out there know that they are not alone, they needn’t suffer in silence. There will always be people who don’t understand and that’s fine. We don’t live in a perfect world but let’s do our part to make it a little better place to live. With so much evil, ignorance, stigma and hatred in our world today; let’s shine our light and help diminish some of the darkness.

And to those out there who doesn’t share my enthusiasm and love for helping others; I really do feel sorry for you. May God work a miracle in your life today. John 15:13 ‘Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends’.