After living a lifetime with a mental illness and not knowing what it was, makes it hard to describe who I am today. I’m still trying to figure out who that person was back there. A time when mental illness wasn’t even looked upon as even an illness. Nobody really knew what it was, it was just that, ‘IT’. But after living with ‘it’ for all my life, I believe I have some insight into what ‘it’ is and who I am.
‘IT’ is most definitely, beyond question, an illness. Looking back over the years I can see now, what was wrong with me, I was ill. As a little boy I remember experiencing extreme anxiety, due to worry. I worried that my Mom and Dad were going to die. My two younger brothers were going to get lost in the woods, drown by falling off a wharf or just not come back home. School, for me, was a source of anxiety that no child should have ever had to endure. But no one knew how to help or what was even wrong. Let alone being diagnosed with a mental illness. But that was exactly what was going on; my brain was not processing the information it was receiving properly, my signals were misfiring as it were.
At a very young age I remember being sad, alone, inadequate, unworthy, scared, etc. Back then i didn’t know what those emotions were but looking back; I do now. When I look at my Grade one school picture, I see a sad little boy, I can see pass the sad, dark eyes into the mind of a very disturbed and fragile little boy; who felt lost in the crowd. But how could such a young little boy be having those very adult emotions? My only explanation that I could find was that it was in my genes and I was predisposed to this illness from my conception until this present day.
This present day, now where does that bring me? ‘It’ still follows me everywhere I go, it’s in my dreams, my crowded thoughts, it’s forever present; even when my thoughts are distracted, eventually ‘it’ comes back. I long for freedom, for that morning when I can get out of bed and not have the dread of ‘it’ following me around all day. A day when I can just enjoy life and not be tormented and weighed down by this thing I call ‘it’.
So who am I today? Not much different then that little boy, all those years ago. I still have many fears, inadequacies, insecurities, worries, etc. But since those days I sure have learned a lot about ‘it’. I have learned to accept my mental illness for what it is; an illness. And on days when I’m not feeling so good, panic strikes and thoughts of a relapse arise; I tell myself, ‘I got this’, I’ve been down this road before and I will get over this ‘hump’ again. Through the years I have learned various coping skills that ‘usually’ help get me through that rough spot.
But I believe today that the years of struggling and dealing with this illness has taken it’s tole on me in all areas of my life. Physically it has exhausted me to a point of being overwhelming; I fight to keep moving, then there are times when I just have to give up and sleep. And with that comes the feeling of guilt, that I should be able to keep going. Mentally the trauma of my illness has left me with memory loss, loss of train of thought, mental fog and lack of concentration. All of which make it difficult for me to live a normal functioning life. Then Spiritually it as prompted me to question why I was never healed, right now I don’t have an answer to that question. But I am willing to leave it up to God, He knows best.
So here I am looking at the big picture, a lifetime of mental illness. I now see that there’s no different in living a lifetime with diabetes, heart disease, or kidney disease. I am not exempt from illness anymore then the next person. So I accept my lot in life; but I have to pray for God’s grace, strength and mercy for each new day. When in my finite mind I can’t see how I can get through the next day or how I can put one foot in front of the other. I trust in an infinite God and He will see me through and will never leave me alone.
So in answer to the question of ” Who am I today?. I am the same person that I always was and is and will ever be. My DNA is still the same. Just with a lot of battle scars, mountains to climb and rivers to cross. But I will be the best that I can be with what I have!
