Month: December 2017

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Fate/Fear

One thing I can say about my blog writings is that I am honest and open about my mental health. Whether that being good or bad; whether that being what you want to read or not. I want to be truthful on how I am feeling; ‘the truth shall set you free’. That’s what this blog/website is all about, my journey through this horrible illness and to give my readers an honest insight into this debilitating disorder. I know that being open with you the reader, helps to free me of some of what I am feeling; I’m unleashing some of my innermost thoughts that can destroy me; a form of therapy. My writings are not a form of enthusiasm or self glory, but instead an outlet, a release, a form in which to unleash my thoughts. My mental illness is certainly not something to be enthusiastic about but it certainly has been an amazing instrument of healing. And certainly not something to bring glory to myself, that is why it as taken a lifetime for me to even talk about my illness because of the shame, embarrassment, indignity and worthlessness it as brought to my life. I won’t win any popularity contest but I will help others and that’s my goal.

Today I have to be honest; I wish I could say I’m feeling great, in reality compared to where I was, which was at a maximum intensity level, right now, this very day, I am at a moderate intensity level. I am still struggling with my depression and anxiety and although I try to live in the moment; my mind still, at times, travels to the darkness where fear is raging, that I could  relapse. And with all the stress and triggers that are in my life (that aren’t going away) I have that right to be fearful.  So today I’m taking that fear by the throat and squeezing the life out of it. I will and cannot live by fear, I am taking back the power, with God’s help. Despite my ugly, smothering triggers, I will rise above it. What choice do I have?  I will fight for my life and accept my fate.

What does that mean? Accept my fate. It means I will accept what I cannot control about my illness.  I saw this quote the other day, ‘ Accept your fate or your fate will destroy you”. Now that’s a big statement to make but I do see the truth in it. Acceptance for me was what put me on the path to healing. Fighting it all the time only exhausted me and made things worse. Acceptance doesn’t mean I gave into my depression and anxiety but I now have power over it. It relieves me of it’s ugly grip. I may have clinical depression and anxiety but ‘it’ doesn’t have me. And yes I do have days when I feel ‘it’ has me but I have to believe and hope that it will pass.  Acceptance means I am no longer in denial, I have this illness. By not admitting it; won’t make it go away. By not talking about it won’t make it go away. And wishing that things were back to before I had my last relapse, won’t make it happen. This is my new normal. The same would be said if I had any other illness, so there is no reason why I can’t say I have a mental illness.

It may be my fate to have this illness and I may have fear of this roaring lion to attack. But fate and fear does not have the last word. I still have to believe that it’s going to be okay and I will not give in but trust to my higher power to hold the pieces together. The things that I myself can control about my life and illness, I will give it all I got. But the things that I  have no control over, and they are many, I will leave into the most capable hands of my Heavenly Father; who knows what He’s doing.

 

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“Tis The Season To Be Jolly”

For countless thousands around the world, those suffering from Depression, this season is not so jolly. When you suffer from depression, no amount of Christmas cheer can change how you feel  on the inside. The expectations, the hustle and bustle, the financial strain, etc. just exasperate the way you feel. Rather than making you feel better, it just adds “fuel to the fire”. And in the end; just makes you feel worse. Let me be honest and speak from my heart and give you some insight on what it feels like to suffer from depression in this most joyous season of the year. This is not being a pessimist but a realist.

I awaken this morning, with no time to decide on how I will feel; but instead I have this overwhelming, sad, empty, heavy urge to just cry. A grown, fifty-three (I mean 29) year old man who just wants to cry. What’s wrong with that? It’s certainly not “normal” and it’s certainly not the way I would choose to wake up. I just want this constant, tormenting illness to go away.There’s nothing I want more than  to enjoy life, not endure it. If I’m bringing you “down” please click the delete button.

Some of you are reading this and you have never experienced what I’m talking about, well good for you, I’m happy for you! The only time you have ever felt sad was when you lost a loved one (and for good reason), something tragic or devastating happened or some alarming trigger.. But for someone suffering from clinical depression, your life experiences have little to do with the way you feel. You suffer from an illness, like all illness (whether physical or mental) ;  you can’t wish it away, command it away, you can’t deny it away. All the positive thinking in the world will not change the way you feel deep down inside, a place where no one else can see. It is what it is; an illness.

But for those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about and I know you are out there. You may not be as open about talking about your illness as I am but that’s okay but just make sure you talk to someone. Don’t try to handle this by yourself; it can’t be done. Talk to someone. And don’t ever feel you are the only one that feels this way. It’s one of the world’s best kept secrets. And that is why we have such a drug, alcohol and suicide epidemic on our hands that will only get worse. People are afraid to talk about the way they are feeling due to the shame this illness brings, people will think you’re weak, the stigma, the ignorance of not knowing or not understanding this illness. When you suffer from this illness you will try anything to numb the pain, to relieve the hurt; I know because I have been there and still struggle today.

I know what it is to think that your family would be better off without you. You would improve their life if you weren’t in it. You could end this suffering and escape the pain and torment, once and for all. But don’t believe that lie, the pain will subside, you will improve. You just have to realize that with this illness, some days are going to be really rough. But you will have good days again. I have been suffering for over five years now, things have gotten better. Today is a really rough day but you see, this too shall pass. I cannot loose hope and neither can you.

We will beat this; one day, one hour,  one minute at a time. And remember you are loved; God loves you and so do I. Life is worth living, In spite of our illness. Don’t  put too much pressure on yourself; it’s okay, not to feel okay. There’s no one that feels okay all the time, no one is exempt. So chin up, shoulders back; “Tis the Season to be Jolly”. We can do this!

 

 

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“Miracles”

We say miracles come in all forms. Does miracles still happen today? Just what is a miracle? According to google dictionary it is, ” A surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency”. In my opinion, that being God.

Have I ever experienced or seen an unexplainable, instantaneous miracle? Not in the way it’s defined, but I believe we experience miracles everyday. And most times they happen right before our eyes and we do not even realize it. But they do happen. Any day we can get out of bed is a miracle. The blooming of a flower is a miracle. The changing of the seasons is a miracle. Each breath  we take is a miracle. So yes I believe in miracles; even when I can’t see, I must believe.

Sometimes we pray for a miracle and it’s like our prayers went unheard. But I believe God hears every prayer we pray. They just may not be answered in the way we want or in the time we want. And when we feel God is so far away, really He is just by our side.

Sometimes in our human nature we question God and sometimes even blame God. But that’s our hurt speaking, not our heart. Jesus himself questioned God when He said, while hanging on the cross, “Why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). Jesus felt like God had forsaken Him, like we sometimes feel. But God said, (Hebrews 13:5) “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you”. And I have to take Him at His Word. Because what better option do I have? None, it’s God or nothing.

God is the God of the impossible! He can do anything but God also has the choice to not answer our prayer in the way we want. WE have to have faith and trust that God knows what’s best. And lots of times I find it hard to see it that way, but I keep trusting in spite of it all. He is my only hope and one day, in His time, He will intervene.

Sometimes there’s the danger of when we ask for something and don’t get it, then we become angry and bitter. But that’s not what God wants for us, He wants us to have an abundant life. John 10:10 “…I am come that they might have life and that they might have it more abundantly”. When Dad was on his deathbed, he was not the least bit angry or bitter at God. He said, ” Either way I will win (with God he could not lose); either I will be healed or if that’s not God’d will then I will go Home to be with Him. And the verse of scripture comes to my mind; 2 Timothy 4:7,8 “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day; and not me only, but unto all them also that love His appearing”. So I am looking forward to that day when I will see Dad again but also most of all, I will see Jesus. Then I’ll ask the reasons and He’ll tell me why.

So if Lauren doesn’t get her instantaneous healing to walk, then I’ll wait and trust that He knows best. But please God, give us the faith, strength, wisdom and courage to understand why and to leave it at that. For you are God in control!

 

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Lauren’s Adventure to McDonalds (in her wheelchair)

When Lauren was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, little did we know what would be involved. From surgeries, botox injections, seizures, therapy, CP Clinics and the list goes on; it’s a never ending journey, always evolving. And that journey is not always on a smooth, straight road but many are the bumps, turns and potholes. But I would just like to elaborate on one such pothole that we’ve hit, many times and that being accessibility.

If you are not confined or dependent on a wheelchair or the person behind pushing the wheelchair, you probably have no idea what I’m talking about. You so innocently take your accessibility into a building, restaurant, house; all for granted. Many times I have wished I could  take the owner of a business, a public building, etc. on a journey in the day of a life of someone in a wheelchair. Maybe just sit “them” in a wheelchair and say, ” now go and let’s see how far you get. Their view of accessibility would drastically change and maybe look at it in an whole new light. And sometimes that’s what it would take.

I’m going to zone in on one business in particular and come for a ride with us in Lauren’s wheelchair.

It was our first visit to McDonalds in Bay Roberts ( I love freedom of speech) when we moved here two years ago. We pulled into the parking lot and searched for the handicap parking spaces. Oops! not spaces; there was only one and that one was occupied. So I searched again for two regular parking spaces that could accommodate our side entry van. There it was, at the end of the parking lot but at least it would give us space to exit the van using the side entry ramp. Wow, nothing to that (I thought)!

Next we maneuvered our way through the parking lot and hit the curb sidewalk that we crossed, to only be faced with crossing the drive-thru entrance. A little dangerous for someone in a wheelchair or not. Then we got to the front door with no powered push button opener and then the second door, inside a porch smaller then the wheelchair; I was stressed to the max. Once inside I looked around for a wheelchair table, there was one but it was occupied. By this time I was so frustrated that I just wanted to leave but Miss Lauren was bent on getting her “happy” meal. So I obliged her and we sat in an aisle table. Then she wanted to go to the bathroom, I need not say more.

Then it was time to exit the restaurant, where would I start? But in order to get out of there I had to start my trek to get back to the van. Once I so anxiously got to the van; what to my wandering eyes should appear but another vehicle parked a foot from our entrance to the van. This made it impossible for us to access our van. What do we do? Wait, until whoever owned the vehicle to move, so we could pull out the ramp and enter the van. So we waited and waited…..

And that’s the story of our adventure to McDonalds in a wheelchair. And that’s when I became an advocate for accessibility (like I needed something else on my plate). Being an advocate certainly doesn’t win you any popularity contests, but that’s not why I do what I do. I do it to make change for the better, improve our society as an whole and to just make our world a better place to live for us “all”.

My advocacy began by making a phone call to the owner of McDonald’s , who listened to my concerns very attentively. I thought to myself, that was a little too easy. I was to learn later that I was right. He did tell me at that time that renovations were going to be done in the Fall and he would contact me for my input on accessibility.

The Fall came and construction began but no telephone call from the owner. So I thought, if changes were needed for accessibility, they would need to be implemented during construction, not after construction was complete. So I thought I would do the courteous thing and give him a call back to jog his memory on our past telephone conversation. I thought I must be talking to a different person, his professionalism just flew out the window. When it came to wheelchair accessibility he said, ” I will only do the “bare minimum” that is required to be considered accessible”. No regard, no compassion, no thought for those confined to a wheelchair; it was all business.

After that conversation I thought, okay, where do I go from here? I was more determined then ever. I went straight to the Government department responsible for enforcing the accessibility code/requirements. I told the department of my concerns and frustrations and they were totally on board. The next day they had an inspector sent out and several building code issues were enforced pertaining to accessibility. And for that I am, on behalf of my four year old daughter and all those who require proper accessibility, I say thank you. We now have push button door openers. Without advocating; these door openers were not in the plans and would not have been installed.

And to the owner of McDonald’s in Bay Robert’s (and out of courtesy I won’t give your name) but I say, “Shame On You”! I hope you will never have to be confined to a wheelchair or anyone in your family: but if you were, then you just might “get it” and have a heart. By the way, the renovations are really nice! Congratulations!

 

 

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Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I was just sitting here with Lauren asleep in my arms, pondering about the Christmas Season and you popped into my mind. I can’t believe so many years have passed already since you passed away, things sure haven’t been the same since you left and so much have happened and changed.

I never knew what lonely was before, until you left us. Now there’s a piece of my heart that will always be missing, a piece that only you could fill. I remember how much you loved Christmas and the ones you spent with us into St.John’s, they were such good times. Even when you would get on my nerves by clicking your teeth or picking your nose. lol

I wanted to write to let you know some of the things that have happened since you left. Mom has never been the same since you left, you must have taken part of her spirit, her heart with you when you left. We do what we can but that is so limited. She’s gone up to Claris and Monique’s for the winter; and to them we are thankful for doing that, at least now she’s not alone. Mom is in such constant pain and discomfort, so if you could put a word in for her; that the pain would stop, that would be great.

The last five years I have been really sick and oh so many times I wish I could just talk to you, you always made me feel better. You were always the first person I’d call when I wasn’t well and you would always come and touch my head ( I knew you were whispering a prayer for me). You always understood and knew the right words to say. So I’m calling you today to come and make things better. Lisa and I aren’t doing so well, you always called her my angel and loved her like a daughter and her you.

The past five years have really been rough, my sickness has taken it’s toll on both of us. We had to move out of St.John’s and you know how much I loved it there (it was MY home). We had no choice but to move to Bay Roberts, did you ever see that in my future; I sure didn’t, not in a million years. It’s growing on me but hasn’t been easy.

I really have some good news, I know you would be so happy and proud for us. We now have two children; bet you never thought I would be the one to carry on the Tucker name. Well Logan is now six and the most amazing little boy, you would just love him and I’m sure he would love to have a Poppy. But I tell him about you all the time and show him your picture. And Lauren is our little angel from Heaven, she is absolutely beautiful. She really needs your prayers, you see Dad, she can’t walk. I know she would just break your heart but please ask God if we could have a Christmas miracle, we don’t want anything else. My heart will never mend again, she would break the hardest of hearts. I know you would say, “isn’t she perdy (pretty) bye”. I will never give up believing for a miracle. But Dad, they are the happiest children you ever saw, in spite of it all.

Wish you could be here for this Christmas, that would be my Christmas wish. We miss you so much; you were the glue that kept us all together. You are missed more than words can say.  Thank you for being the best father any son could ever ask for. You left me with the greatest legacy possible. Your love for your family and your faith in God, taught me the greatest meaning in life.

Have the best Christmas ever, miss you and love you forever. Til we meet again (and we will),

Harris