Month: November 2017

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Mental Illness and Spirituality

I’ve written a couple of blogs before entitled; “The Church and Mental Illness” and “Be Anxious For Nothing”. Please read them again or read them for the first time, if you haven’t already read them. I believe there are so many misunderstandings, misconceptions and lack of education when it comes to Mental Illness. I’d be the first to admit it is a very complex and complicated issue to deal with. I don’t fully understand it myself and I’ve experienced a mental illness all my life. But I feel compelled to write another blog on this topic, in hopes of helping us to understand, to educate ourselves on the issue and to help us better relate to someone with a mental illness.

This no doubt has been a very difficult week, I have fought my anxiety with everything I have in me. There were moments I felt I was loosing the battle. There were times when I thought my strength was gone and I could fight no more, I was so exhausted and fed up with life that I couldn’t understand the purpose of it all. It was all so overwhelming. The more I prayed to God, the further away He seemed. I felt like Job, when his wife said to him, “Curse God and die”(Job 2:9) But Job said,(Job13:15) “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him”. It’s so easy to trust when everything is going fine, but trust when everything seems out of control; that’s another story. But I will trust, even when my faith  is small and discouragement comes in like a cloud. I will stand fast and believe His promises, even when things are bleak and uncertain.

The church in general tend to expect a Christian not to feel this way. Christians should not be anxious or depressed. Because the Bible says, Philippians 4:6,7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”. So why do I feel this way? I certainly have made my requests known to God. Does God not answer my prayers?  Does God not care about me? Do I not matter to Him? If I took these verses literally, all hope would be gone and I would give up and die.

I wish it were that easy and all I would have to do is give it to Him and BOOM! It would be gone. Sorry people/church but that’s not the way it always works. I have an anxiety disorder that is not gone away, I would hope and pray it would but God did not take this illness away from me. No more then He doesn’t always heal someone with cancer or any other illness, He can but chooses not to. But because mine is a mental one, I’m supposed to be rid of it by just making my request to God and it’s gone. That could work maybe for someone who has a math exam and are anxious but being anxious and having an anxiety disorder are two different things.

It would be so easy for me to be a Christian if God answered every requests I make to Him. But God doesn’t work like that, His will must be done. And in this life we will have trials, tribulations and sickness for which we may never understand. But being able to still believe in God when our requests are not granted is what I believe makes us a stronger, wiser and more compassionate Christian. Believe in spite of it all!

So if you’re a Christian and you are experiencing an anxiety disorder, depression, and any other mental illness. Then God still loves you even in your brokenness and if you haven’t had a healing, remember God is in control, He has no respect of persons. Believe in your heart that God will see you through no matter what the illness; deliverance or no deliverance, healing or no healing. You are a child of God even in your illness, God loves you!

Some churches (and I’m generalizing) have tried to explain it away by saying, “There must be sin in your life”. To that I would quote John 9:1-12, “Jesus saw a man who had been blind since birth. His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Neither this man nor his parents sinned, said Jesus, but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him”. Oh that God would use my illness to bring Glory to Him.

And then there’s the explanation of “You need to have more faith’. To which I would quote Matthew 17:20 “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard see, you could say to this mountain, “Move from here to there and it would move”. So our prayers aren’t answered by the amount of faith but by having faith.

This blog is not an attack on any church, but is meant to bring us all to a better understanding of God’s love, compassion, grace and mercy shown to each of us through His Son Jesus by whose stripes we are healed. And sometimes I believe that healing comes from acceptance of our illness and not a total miraculous recovery. I have said this many times before but it needs to be said again; “Mental illness is not a spiritual battle but an illness”. Until we come to that realization, the stigma of mental illness within the church body will  forever be present.

 

 

 

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Surviving Christmas?

I have to write, there’s so many thoughts going through my head; I have to write, to escape, to free my mind. It’s that time of the year when “all is merry and bright”. The media portrays it’s the most magical, loving, and giving time of the year. And it could be to some extent. A time when family are all united, past hurts forgotten and love flows like milk and honey. Is this the reality or wishful thinking; an unattainable expectation? A fantasy land!

Oh how I wish the reality of Christmas could be nothing but peace on earth, love to all and all is well. But for many this is not the reality. Christmas can be the most lonely, stressful, misinterpreted time of the whole year. Especially for those who have lost a loved one, are suffering chronic or terminal illness or who feel all alone; in a society that’s filled with expectations that are far beyond the reality of what Christmas is meant to be.

For those (myself included) who suffer from depression; Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year. It’s a time when you are expected to be happy, excited, full of anticipation and joy. But really that’s not how you feel, you feel the total opposite and of course with that come feelings of guilt because you don’t feel the way you are expected to feel. But don’t be too hard on yourself, because you have this illness doesn’t mean that Christmas is going to make it go away. Just know that you will get through this; this too shall pass. The actual day will pass, much like a birthday; just another day.

Recently I was private messaged a question that I wish there was a concrete answer for. How do I survive the Holiday Season? Statistics show that the rate of suicides at this ‘Merry’ time of the year, is so much higher than any other time of the year. Thousands of homeless; remain homeless, Christmas doesn’t change that. Countless people are starving and will sadly starve; but the Christmas spirit still moves on despite world hunger. War still rages through countries with no hope of peace, no end to conflict. Terrorists attacks and evil will still move through our land, even when Christmas offers us peace, hope and love.

Truthfully the only real  means and hope of surviving the “Holiday Season” is by embracing the true meaning of Christmas. It’s not all about us, but about the one who came to bring hope, love and inward peace; that being the birth of Jesus. So we have to shift our focus from us to Him!  Amidst all the commercialization and rush to buy, buy, buy; it’s easy to loose our focus on what the true meaning of ‘Christmas’ is. But may we remember to redirect our thoughts to what’s important this Christmas. It’s not about the hustle and bustle but the time spent with those we love, the quiet times, being thankful for what we do have and not wallowing in what we don’t have. Truly reflect on the good that is still out there and may we do our part to spread that good cheer to those who are hurting this Christmas. That is the true meaning of Christmas!

It’s not about surviving the Christmas Season but embracing it and finding the good in all the little miracles that are still all around us. Just has God sent His Son this Christmas Season to be the Prince of Peace. May you know in your heart once again; that inward peace that can only come from your Creator.

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The Aftermath of my Depression and Anxiety

It’s ironic how I wrote this blog; I wrote the content before I wrote the opening paragraph. That’s me, never do things the normal  way, just being my unique self. The main thing is, I still get the job done. This being a chronic disorder, I still have to face each day has if I’m climbing a mountain. It takes hard work, perseverance and stamina. But you do what you have to do in order to survive.

Nighttime comes and I and I anticipate my escape from my thoughts and feelings, just maybe sleep will give me some reprieve. I do sleep fairly well, thanks to mirtazaphine , but my dreams/nightmares are frightening and tormenting. Just last night, I was on a locked down physc ward and trying to escape; but there was no way out. Because of the trauma I experienced during that period of my illness, seems to haunt me even to this day. I guess it’s my biggest fear that those days will return. I try not to live in fear but deep down in my subconscious, that fear at times resurfaces. I do trust and pray that God will spare me the horrific trauma of ever having to relive that nightmare.

Morning arrives and the first thing I have to do is to debrief myself; that those dreams and nightmares are just that, they are not real. But none the less they are a constant reminder of my past living hell, that will try to follow me through my day. I guess I am still experiencing a lot of post traumatic thoughts that I just can’t turn on or shut off. But I just pray that God will one day allow me to forget.

After debriefing is done and I desperately try to move past it; I am faced with the thoughts of how am I going to face the day with my limited strength and focus. My head is in a fog. The day seems so overwhelming and I feel so powerless over it, it’s then I go to my knees and ask God once again, for the thousandth time, to give me strength, purpose and wisdom. Even when I have days when I feel I can’t do this anymore, and I do have those days, then I believe God moves in and carries me.

Do I believe my illness has made me weak? Well sometimes I do think that but then that still small voice tells me; you are strong. If I were weak I would have given up a long time ago. Society taught us has men, that if we show our emotions then we must be weak; that is so far from the truth. It does show that we have compassion, humbleness and a caring spirit.  And to those who have succumbed to this illness, I am most certainly not saying they are weak but the pain of their illness was just too unbearable. If I were weak (by society’s standards), I would have given up a long time ago. But I pray that God will give me “continued” strength for everyday that lies ahead. Because in our little family we have so many uncertainties, unknowns and fears. But we will conquer  them one day, one hour, one minute at a time, through the strength of our Heavenly Father. Because there are days when you wonder how you are going to keep going, but you just do! What choice do we have?

One of the biggest adjustments still to this day is performing a task, a task that before just came natural and you didn’t even have to think about it; you just did it. But now that task seems so big, overwhelming and I have to over rationalize it. It is still a work in progress and I believe one day will get easier. A good example would be, I’m singing in the Christmas Cantata. Now, I have been singing since I came out of the womb and absolutely love it, it’s my passion. But now it comes with much fear, thoughts of; I can’t do it, I’m not good enough, inadequate and the list goes on. I have to do much mind control and self talk to override those negative thoughts. None the less, it takes much hard work to perform any task and that can be just exhausting. My day is only half done and fatigue overwhelms me. So I do what I can, just on a lower scale and try not to take on more than I can handle.

Have you ever had a task to do and you had to go to the next room in the house to do it and by the time you got there, you forgot what the task was? Well that’s the story of my life now. Just the other day I was supposed to be returning the water jug to the refrigerator and when I realized it, I had the coffee pot; now that’s scary. Because of my disorder, it’s my brain that’s affected, thus my memory and train of thought are/was highly affected. Now whether that’s from the medication, ECT treatments or aftershocks of the disorder; I’m not quite sure what the cause is. Maybe all of the above. Whatever the case, I cannot trust to my memory anymore, if there’s something I need to remember, I have to write it down.  If I have a speaking engagement, I have to write it down; I cannot trust my mind. Then there are times when I’m in the middle of a conversation and I just loose my train of thought. This happens too frequently and becomes a little bothersome. Maybe I need to eat more bananas, they’re supposed to be brain food.

So you see, even after all this time, I still have to fight this dreaded disorder. But I am so thankful for my improvement and believing that with each day will come renewed strength. It’s because of this hope that I can face each new day, despite my disturbed feelings of depression and anxiety.                                                       

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I Want To Skate Like “Bruddy”

I’m beginning to realize our battles with Lauren have only just begun. And we already feel exhausted from making sure that Lauren’s rights are met.  We are supposedly living in an all inclusive society. A place where children are not singled out has being different. But I think where all children are equal, regardless of their disabilities. And never tell a child they can’t do something because the have an impairment.

Our dilemma, this time, began when we signed Logan up for CanSkate, who’s only requirement was an helmet, pair of skates and a fee. So on Logan’s first week of skating, I took Lauren along with us to watch ‘Bruddy’ skate. So when Logan got on the ice and we turned to go to a viewing area, Lauren started to scream and cry. When I asked, “what was wrong”. She answered, “I want to skate like ‘Bruddy’. I tried to distract her but she had her mind made up, “I’m going on the ice”. So I consoled her by telling her I’d call  and we would see if we could get her signed up for skating. Lisa arrived and went to talk to someone about signing her up, even with CP.  So the lady said, “sure no problem, this was an all inclusive club and by law were required to accept anyone wanting to join. Three weeks later we finally (after Lisa emailed to check on the hangup) got an email that saddened us so much. There were requirements and recommendations that stated in the email from CBNSC; “Sorry for the delay, we contacted SkateNL for recommendations who in turn forwarded our email to SkateCanada for further  recommmendations”. Is Lauren the only disabled child in Canada who applied for CanSkate?  And Logan could join, no questions asked, but Lauren was different and neither of the three clubs were prepared to register a disabled child! We try to instill in Lauren that she can do anything she wants to do , but maybe in a modified way. ” Their suggestions (SkateCanada) were to allow her to wear her double bladed skates and to use a red glider. Now Lauren can’t use a walker let alone a glider. The only other requirement was that there be an adult program assistant with her at all times”. All other children could use a juniour PA because they were “normal kids”. The catch being; there are no adult PA’s in the CBNSC. So we were expected to find our own, “they suggested that this could be a parent”. It’s our intention to treat  Lauren like Logan and be like the other kids; using a PA. Not her parents, we want to teach her independence, to meet and trust other people and be just like all kids. “Also to be required to pay the SkateCanada Insurance fee of 32.65” (for the parent). If this was what we wanted; we could take Lauren to the Parent and Tot Program for free, rather then paying SkateCanada for the same service. “Lauren is permitted to start skating once ALL recommendations from SkateCanada are met”.

I called the CBNSC to state my concerns, then SkateNL, no response, then SkateCanada. After having a satisfactory and pleasant conversation with SkateCanada, I was told they took my issues very seriously and would be working on them the first thing Monday morning, because it was now 4:00 on Friday and the office was closing. I received a text from CBNSC, I texted back saying that it was okay, I had contacted SkateCanada; I think that “upset the cart”. She called anyway (against my wishes) in which I said, I didn’t need to speak with her, I was satisfied with SkateCanada and could have ended the conversation there. And I had to end the call by saying, ” I’m finished this conversation because it’s getting nowhere. which she didn’t hear because she was too busy ranting in the phone and I ended the call. She then called back, I didn’t answer, I was finished with this conversation. She left an unpleasant message: I then had to block her number. She kept saying that they were only looking out for her protection. And  SkateCanada had the nerve to say, “and the protection of the others”. If they were so concerned about her protection then provide her with her own Adult Assistant, I’m sure they could find someone in NL. Or if they can’t provide the proper protection for disabled children, then maybe they should  say we can’t handle disabled children in the first place. And exclude them because proper protection is not available by the club.

It’s kind of ironic because it was only recently that Lauren participated in the “Blind Hockey Canada” because she has a vision impairment. The attendants were all volunteer juniour hockey members who skated with Lauren by holding their hands under her arms and skated around the rink like a pro. She was so excited and needed no assistance from Mommy or Daddy. She was a big girl now, skating all by herself; just like ‘Bruddy’.

I feel if Blind Hockey Canada can provide this service then so should SkateCanada. We left with a sense of pride and accomplishment. But with our email from CBNSC, it just left us deflated and discouraged. Sometimes when “we are only looking out for her protection”, it reinstates that she is disabled and has a parent you can take that has an insult. Lauren’s hurts won’t come from falling down on the ice but being constantly reminded that she is different and certainly not always included in the “Norm”!.

Attachment:

The ways in which I feel Lauren is and was discriminated against is;

  1. She was not offered registration immediately, three weeks later and “they” are still working on the logistics as stated in an email of October 6, we are now in week four.
  2. The email of October 6 from CBNSC and I’m quoting; “the possibility of registering Lauren for CanSkate program”. Implying it was a possibility not a certainty.
  3. If SkateCanada already had a policy in place concerning disabled children and were confident in how to register that child, then why the logistics between CBNSC, SkateNL, SkateCanada? Were they not competent enough to handle the situation and carry out a stress free registration that should have been handled in one day, like our son who is “normal” child.
  4. SkateCanada are responsible to have PA’s available and not expect a parent or guardian to be on the ice. Again pointing out that Lauren is different because she requires her Mommy and Daddy, and not a regular PA.
  5. If we had known that we would have encountered all this discrimination and and differential treatment of one of our children over the other, then neither would have been considered to join SkateCanada.
  6. If Skate Canada was so all inclusive has they claim, why wasn’t the proper protocol already in place; at a time in which a disabled child registered. Rather then all this disconnection between CBNSC, SkateNL, SkateCanada. I believe they are not has all inclusive has what they claim  or I would NOT be writing this blog. It’s obvious that neither club knew just what to do with a child with a disability.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Note:                                                                                                                                                                October 17  Conversation I had with SkateCanada                                                                      I talked things over with my wife and we decided that neither of our children will be a part of CanSkate because of the strained relationship we feel we now have with the club. We do wish to have a full refund of our son’s fee which can be forwarded to us by mail at……..                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      As of today; November 4th we have NOT received a reimbursement.