Month: June 2017

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The Biggest Threat To My Mental Health

The rain is coming down in buckets or is it raining cats and dogs? Either way; it’s raining. And just like life, the sun doesn’t always shine, there has to be some rain sometimes. Eventually the rain will end and the sun will shine again; that is one thing we are guaranteed in life, nothing last forever. So it is with my illness, I have days when it’s pouring rain but then there are days when the sun shines again. There will come a reprieve, a calm. It’s my belief that for a lot of us, this illness never fully goes away; but that doesn’t mean we can’t have sunshine in our lives. There are several threats that impedes this ray of sunshine from shining.

The expectations that society has put on mental health is one such threat. We are expected to put on a pretty face, a smile, and pretend everything is ok, so others won’t be exposed to our illness. And in so doing it will alleviate them of their uncomfortable, social phobia of mental illness. I swear some people think this illness is contagious. Trust me it’s not. Society needs to realize this is an illness just like any other illness, certainly not a threat, we just want to be accepted and not treated has a second class citizen but as a human being that is suffering on the inside. But in a way that you cannot see because it’s not a physical illness but oh so real on the inside. A pain that you cannot see.

Let’s attack the Government again; like its going to do some good. I’m not being a pessimist but a realist. I think one of the last things on the “to do list” of our Government is to invest in the growing epidemic of mental illness. My heart goes out to all those who are suffering with no help available.Therefore I consider the Government a very big threat to my mental health and I hold them accountable for lack of treatment, support and availability of humane facilities.

And of course stigma isn’t a word that’s going away anytime soon, when it comes to mental health. The minute the words itself, “mental illness” is mentioned; the red flags go up. It is one of the most stigmatized issues in our society and that is really too bad. It is only when we speak out and began talking about and educating society on this issue will these walls of stigma come down. I’m certainly open to talking about my mental illness. I just hope it’s doing some good and not falling on deaf ears. Because if the walls of stigma did come down, even somewhat, it would certainly help in diminishing the threat against mental illness. And one less thing that we as sufferers would have to deal with. And would be able to concentrate on getting well again.

But the greatest threat against my mental illness is; “Myself”! For me and I am only speaking for myself, that sometimes I was my greatest threat. I put too much trust in others and hoping for someone or something to make me well. When really I needed to search within myself; I had and have more strength and wisdom then I realized. I was afraid of what others thought of me if they knew I had a mental illness. Big deal what someone else thinks, they are not walking in my shoes. What really matters is what I think of myself. And yes there are/were times when my self confidence, my self worth and my sense of belonging was very low. But gradually over time, I realize, I am no different then anyone else out there. We all have our struggles, failures and insecurities. And me having a mental illness, doesn’t make me any less of a person then someone who doesn’t. I’ve begun to realize that I can’t look at myself as being different but unique, equal and not a threat to my own well being.

So, from now on, I will hold my head up high, walk with confidence and not be ashamed of my mental illness. I will shout it from the mountain tops and before long others will follow and not be threatened by anyone or anything.

Monique

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Discouragement or Courage

All day yesterday I was overwhelmed with discouragement. No matter how busy I made myself , in order to distract my mind from going there or how many times I asked God to take it away; it didn’t matter. I was just discouraged and I couldn’t run away from it. It was exactly how I was feeling and nothing could change it. The word kept popping up all day.

Then I thought, well just what is discouragement? So of course, I went and done what we all do when we need to find something out; I googled it! The meaning it gave was; “a loss of confidence or enthusiasm”. Well that’s not far from the truth of how I was feeling. But all day this word plagued my thoughts and feelings. Until night came and hoping sleep would be my way of escape.

Well morning came, I was up at the crack of dawn, everyone still sleeping.So thought I would shower and prepare for another day. While I was showering I began to think of the challenging day I had before and decided I had to find some good in my discouragement. Then there it was; right in the center of that word, was the word COURAGE. So off I go to visit google again. Google defined courage as ‘the ability to do something that frightens one’. That was so true, looking back over the past day; I made it through because I had courage. I moved on inspite of it, I would not let it stop me. Just like I found light in the darkness; I found courage in discouragement.

Let me just fill you in on some of the reasons I was feeling so discouraged. Just to let you know it’s ok to sometimes feel this way; life has a tendency to sometimes overwhelm us with discouragement. When there is so much going on in our lives that is not all positive.

We just returned from Halifax, where Lauren did a program called, Conductive Education. A program that Lauren responded so well to and was reaping the benefits. It is the exact program that Lauren requires if she is going to have the hope of walking or some form of mobility. But I realized yesterday that in order for Lauren to benefit from this program fully, she needs to consistently engage in the program. And we know that’s not possible, so it is easy to become discouraged; when you want the best for your child and I can’t seem to see how she is going to get it. But I still have to believe in my heart that God will provide a way. So yes, I was discouraged and I don’t apologize for being human.

This story is not in my notes but I just felt it needs to be told. While we were in Halifax, we met a friend of ours for supper one evening. Lisa took Lauren in to the washroom to change her and while Lauren was lying on the change table, she was gazing at an opposite wall. The conversation went like:
Lauren: There’s Jesus!
Lisa: Where??
Lauren: Over there on the wall!
Lisa looked to see a beautiful wall mural of two cherubs. Wanting to figure out exactly what Lauren meant, she asked: And what’s Jesus doing?
Lauren: He’s praying; for me to walk…
I have no idea how she could come up with this all on her own; she is only four years old. My faith waivers but oh to have the faith of a child. So when we got back home, we went to church on Sunday morning. I was holding Lauren in my arms and the call was made for anyone who had a need to come forward. So has a step of faith, once again, me with a broken heart, brought my little angel to the Lord for healing. That healing didn’t happen that morning, so again I was so discouraged. But I will continue to wait and not loose hope. Healing will come in some form; in God’s time and in God’s way.

I was discouraged because I realize that my illness is not going away. On a lower scale; it’s something I guess I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I just got tired of dealing with my broken mind. But that’s ok; I know some days are going to be worse than others. I just have to find the courage to not give up, when discouragement fills my every being.

My inability to not be able to work overcrowded my mind. I realize we need the money so desperately and I am unable to provide. At a time in our lives when we need income so badly. I thought I had come to terms with long term disability but in all honesty, I don’t think I ever will. It still haunts my fragile mind. But I will still hope and find courage in my discouragement.

I could go on but I won’t; you get the picture. So today I will find, somehow, courage to overcome my discouragement. I will find courage inspite of it all. Today is a new day and I have courage to face it, even if it scares me to death. I WILL FIND COURAGE IN MY DISCOURAGEMENT!!!

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Conductive Education

A bumpy flight and a bumpy two weeks in Halifax, NS. We attended a two week session of Constructive Education with The March of Dimes. It’s program designed for clients having movement difficulties due to brain damage.

The first week started with a large bump in the road; it got totally cancelled due to a family emergency at the clinic. And Lauren’s conductor was off for the week.

Thank God we had relatives in Halifax to help us through this first long week. Keeping the children and ourselves occupied and happy was a full time job. But we made it through that first week, being very disappointed that Lauren had missed out on a full week of treatment. But that was unavoidable, so that was all we could do and we just made the best of it.

The second week was full speed ahead. Lauren was scheduled for Monday-Friday, 9:00-12:00. So three hours of intense treatment/education. She was fully engaged for these three hours and every body part was included. She was amazing and making such progress.

When we left at the end of the session, we were all exhausted but so excited about the program. This is what we’ve been looking for and what Lauren needs so desperately. But the bittersweet pill kicked in at the end of the week. This is what she needs but not available in NL. So far out of our reach.

So now we know what we need but how do we get it? So we start our search to find a way to get this program offered in NL. Nothing is impossible, if we believe and find a way for it to happen.

So sad when you know this is what your child requires to find some form of mobility. But so far out of our reach and control.

What is Conductive Education?

“Conductive Education® is a community rehabilitation program offered through March of Dimes Canada whose mission is to maximize the independence, personal empowerment, and community participation of people with disabilities.

Conductive Education® (CE) is a program that combines physical rehabilitation and education to help children and adults with neurological motor disorders or who have had a stroke or brain injury. Conductive Education works on the brain to change the body. Participants are taught skills and techniques to help them overcome the challenges of their disability – they learn how to apply these strategies to their everyday life, becoming more independent.

Designed specifically for people with neurological motor disorders, Conductive Education offers an alternative group setting approach to rehabilitation for people living with:
Cerebral Palsy
Spina Bifida
Multiple Sclerosis
Stroke
Parkinson’s
Acquired Brain Injury
Thousands of Canadians are diagnosed with these conditions each year. Conductive Education and March of Dimes Canada are here to offer help and support to these individuals and their families.”

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I Know A Man Who Can!

I have written numerous blogs before, but none as important, open and personal has what this one is. I will bear my soul because I believe that’s what you need to hear and see. We are not defined by our education, ethnicity, culture, our career, or our family. What defines us, is our soul; “the spiritual part of a human being”. We all have one,whether we believe we do or not doesn’t matter. We have a soul, deep down within us.

Our soul is that space within us that is always searching, always longing. Forever empty if not filled by the one who created us in the first place. Psalm 139:13 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb”. My illness lead me to this inmost search. Not a search for earthly meaning but a much deeper search and longing for God. That search didn’t find me instantaneously healed but led me to a deeper, inmost filling of God. I had to separate and come to realize that my illness had nothing to do with my soul. I was not fighting a spiritual battle, but because I was so sick and finding no hope of ever recovering. That no human being or earthly matter could make me well; then I had to turn my search inward rather then without.

It’s when we turn inward that we find the true meaning of life and take our focus off things that really don’t matter. I now realize that there is more to life then my illness, I can live inspite of it. My life doesn’t depend on what I have, what I do, where I go or what I feel. My life depends on what I have within; my love, my compassion, my humbleness and selflessness. If I had a Phd education, it would not make me any happier or change my illness. If I had a multi million dollar bank account; would not change my illness and make me well. If I had all the possessions that money could buy, it would still not bring me happiness or health.

So now I realize I have to build my life on something more solid, something more secure. I had to return to the one who created me, who promised in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,”declares the Lord,”plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. I don’t know what those plans are and right now I am scared to death of the future but I know and trust that He knows what He’s doing.

Our lives right now are filled with so much uncertainty and turmoil. My own illness fills our lives with so much insecurity and fear, that for the most of us, we would have given up a long time ago. The stress and conflict that mental illness brings into our marriage and family life can easily tear us apart. But we are struggling to stay together. Then there’s the awesome care, uncertainty, overwhelming responsibility of Lauren with her cerebral palsy. So much that people, unless they have a child with a disability, can never imagine the sacrifices one had to make. Lauren requires 24/7 care and this we, for the most part, provide ourselves. We do sacrifice each other because one of us as to sleep with Lauren every night for various reasons pertaining to her safety, comfort and care. So it is very difficult/impossible for us to spend time together as a couple. I am not complaining but stating the reality of what is. Then we try to provide for Logan a “normal life” and to protect him as much as possible from the circumstances around him, which are far from normal. And lastly, Lisa as had to leave work because of the heavy load that she carries everyday. It has affected her health in a detrimental way; that she can no longer work.

I don’t tell this for no other reason then to help someone else, that are going through similar circumstances in their lives. It is amazing what we can face in life and still survive. But no man, humanly possible could do this alone or find the answers in this world but I know a Man who can! And that’s how we have survived thus far. When we felt there was no one that could help us, we needed someone more than a human hand. That’s when we were forced to look elsewhere, we tried everything else and life was out of hand. We turned to the Man who can;

“I can’t take a heart that’s broken
Make it over again
But I know a Man who can

Some call Him Savior,
the Redeemer of all men
I call Him Jesus
For He’s my dearest friend.

If you feel no one can help you
And your life is out of hand
Well, I know a man who can”.

So now every morning I go to my heavenly “Father” and rely on His strength to get me through the day. For He promised me in Isaiah 40:31 “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint”

That’s where my strength comes from! I don’t apologize for being too open and I am so privileged to be able to introduce you to the man who can!

Afterthought:
Many may say, how can you say that God is with you, when He hasn’t healed you and you still struggle every day? It doesn’t matter, I’m better off with God in this storm, then I am without Him and being in this storm alone. He’s still in my ship. God is still God no matter what we are going through, He’s in control! All I have to do is trust!

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The Reality Of My Diagnosis

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“There is no cure for your illness”, were the dreaded words I hear roaming around in the back of my head; coming from my doctor’s mouth. I just wanted to duct tape his mouth, so I wouldn’t hear the reality of what he was saying. But he wouldn’t stop; “We can get you back to a functioning level and that’s the best we could do. What did that mean, “A functioning level”? Sounded like a death sentence to me at the time. You mean I have to live with this for the rest of my life? Funny question to ask considering I had really already been living with mental illness (on a smaller scale) all my life. Was this my reality?

My horror really started when I was sixteen and in high school. It was midterm exams and I was feeling very anxious,worried and full of panic. Then one day I just collapsed. I couldn’t function anymore; I gave up on life. My days were spent asleep, whether in bed or on the sofa. I remember going to the doctor and receiving no help whatsoever. “We can’t give antidepressants to teenagers”,were his words and sent me home to fight this raging war all alone. Very few back then, knew much about depression and anxiety, let alone knowing how to deal with it. I felt I was left to die alone. My friends from school didn’t come near, maybe they thought I was contagious. My only support was my family and I am so thankful for that. Over time I gradually got a little better each day. In the 80’s we were so uneducated about mental illness and the walls of stigma were so high. It was almost if you ignored it long enough it would go away. But all through my life, I know now, I battled depression and anxiety. And I can openly speak the words and not have to hide in shame.

When I was “formally” diagnosed just three years ago; that I suffer from major depression and anxiety disorder. Does that make me feel any better? Somewhat. Now I have a name on what I’ve been battling most of my life. My nightmare now became a reality. I realize now I have a disability. Not a one confined to a wheelchair but a one that confined me to my broken mind.

Now it’s learning how to accept my disability and learn to live with my “thorn in the flesh”. I have come such a long way, my doctor says, I am now in the recovery stage of illness. But then I think, how can I be in recovery when there is no cure? Well, I have to get back to a functioning level and learn to control my symptoms and not the other way around. Learning to be the best that I can be and teaching my brain that it’s going to be ok. That is what recovery is all about; learning to live with my challenges and obstacles despite my illness. The reality is that, just like any other disability, I will have to find a different path that leads to a somewhat “normal” life.

It might appear that all I am saying is negative, but that is the reality of this illness. Negativity and depression coexist. It’s finding the positivity in this illness that leads you to the road to recovery. It’s finding the sunshine that’s hiding behind the clouds. Because I have a mental illness doesn’t mean I still can’t have meaning and purpose in my life. I am not my illness. Vitor Frankl in his book eluded to this when he said, “that life holds a potential meaning under any conditions, even the most miserable ones. I therefore felt responsible for writing down what I had gone through, for I thought it might be helpful to people who are prone to despair.” He wrote this after being freed from his hellish existence in a Nazi concentration camp. So I too, feel I have to write the truth about my illness, even if it is negative because that is the truth of my hellish existence; when I was trapped in my “concentration camp”. The memories of those most awful days will probably always be trapped inside my mind, but that’s all they are; memories and they can’t harm or hurt me anymore. It’s my life mission to free myself and others from the depths of despair that this illness brings.

The reality right at this moment in time is that I am not cured. I am doing a lot better. Because I am not fully recovered doesn’t mean that others can’t and it doesn’t mean that I will never be cured. But the reality remains; I am certainly not where I need to be. I still have a few more baby steps to make before I can walk. And that is REALITY; whether I like it or not. The reality is; this illness sucks!