Month: May 2017

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The Do’s and Dont’s of Depression and Anxiety

Sitting at Robin’s waiting for a call from the Garage to come pick up the van. One of the most difficult things for me to do is just sit here and relax. An hint of panic sets in and is telling me to run, get out but I don’t listen. I am now in control of my thoughts not the other way around, like it use to be when I was in the acute stage of my illness. So I choose to sit and write instead. I have learned so much on this journey, so I thought I would share some do’s and dont’s of major depression and anxiety.

Let’s start with the do’s that helped me along my journey.First, make up your mind that you are going to get better, be determined that this will not last forever. That you will beat this and set your mind to this and don’t settle for nothing less. Be strong even when you feel weak! Repeat to yourself every day, “I am going to get better; one day, one hour, one minute at a time”.

A must for recovery is we must reach out for support. We are not meant to walk this road of life alone, we cannot survive in isolation. It is human nature to crave love, acceptance and understanding from others.

Thirdly, we must do our best to care for our physical body. “Healthy body, healthy mind”. Eating well would be the first step. For me this was the last thing I wanted to do, I lost my appetite completely. But I knew if I was going to get well, I had to eat. So I forced myself to eat small portions but often. And gradually, over time my appetite got much better. Then getting a restful night sleep is very important to healing our minds. I went through periods where I couldn’t sleep at all (my doctor did prescribe a sleeping pill for those times), then there were times when all I wanted to do was sleep. It was those times that I pushed myself out of bed and move, just move. Exercise would play a part in getting well; but who wanted to exercise when they didn’t have the energy or willpower to move. But I started with baby steps, my first walk lasted for five minutes and that seemed overwhelming but I did it and gradually I worked up to now, a year later, walking forty-five minutes too one hour. So take care of yourself physically so you can heal mentally.

Create structure in your life. Start with little things. For example, make your bed every morning, wash dishes, do laundry, etc. Then move to the outside world; go to the Post Office, grocery store, library, the park, etc. Before long you will have developed a life of structure and purpose.

Lastly, remind yourself, whenever needed, that, “this too shall pass”. Whatever you are experiencing right now, no matter how bad; it will not last. Nothing lasts forever.

Then there are the dont’s of dealing with depression and anxiety. The pain and despair you feel is unbearable, you look for relief where ever you can find it. Some in positive ways but some turn to negative alternatives by self medicating. You turn to drugs and alcohol but this can only lead to worsening of your symptoms. And the benefits (if any) are only short term; a band-aid solution.

A second “don’t” is, do not isolate. It is very often common for people suffering from this illness to hide from everyone; to go into seclusion. Not wanting to associate with family or friends, this will never work toward your healing. We are pack animals and we need the interaction of others to survive.

At the acute stage of your illness it is best not to make any major decisions. Such things as selling/buying an house, getting married/divorced, moving to a new city or changing jobs. You are in no frame of mind to make such decisions, so wait until you are in the recovery stage and feeling much better and your brain is more alert/aware.

Fourthly, do not neglect your physical needs. When you are so preoccupied with your mental state, it is so easy to forget your physical needs; eating habits, exercise, sleep, etc. Your mental well being, solely depends on your physical state, both depend on each other for survival.

Then the last “don’t” is a one that I struggle with everyday. That is,don’t ask the question; “When Will This End?”. Everyone is different and no one knows the answer to this question, so don’t ask! Live one day at a time, never dwell on the past and never look too far in the future. Live in the moment!

Those are just some thoughts I have learned over time. I hope this will give you some guidance and assurance that; “this too shall pass”. Life will get better, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just wait and see!

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Lauren’s Hope of Walking

i..Lauren as seen Dr Farmer three times, each time we were told she was not a good candidate yet. The last time we were there he told us he would see her when she’s five, unless we thought she was stronger and more ready for the surgery before that time. So we just sent an email to him requesting that he would see her sooner because Lauren is stronger and that her window of opportunity for her to want to walk is closing. So pray with us that Lauren will get to have the surgery and that it will be successful.Doctors at Montreal’s Shriners and Children’s hospitals are spreading the word that a specialized surgery for cerebral palsy patients that can help relieve some of the spasticity of the condition is offered in Canada.
Dr. Jean-Pierre Farmer, the chief of neurosurgery at Montreal’s Children’s Hospital, is one of the few doctors in Canada who can perform the surgery, which is called selective dorsal rhizotomy, or SDR.

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The procedure can help alleviate some of the symptoms of cerebral palsy, particularly the muscle stiffness that can lead to chronic pain, exhaustion, and disability.
Cerebral palsy affects roughly 2.5 out of every 1,000 babies born in Canada every year, and is caused by abnormal brain development or a brain injury during pregnancy or birth. The spasticity caused by CP makes it difficult or impossible for children to move their limbs in isolation. Those who do learn to walk often do so on their tiptoes with their knees close together so that they need a wheelchair or braces to walk.
The SDR procedure involves exposing the nerves in the spinal column and cutting those nerve fibres that cause muscle tightness using electrical pulses. The nerves that properly control movement are left intact.
If all goes well, and all the affected fibres are cut, it can be possible for children with CP to learn to walk independently.

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I Love Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy

Both Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy have taught me so much about life. I really wish that I was never introduced to either. Because life would have been fine without it. But that’s not the way it works; we can’t pick and choose what life throws in our laps. We just have to learn to accept and endure through whatever life throws at us. Does that mean we have to love or hate whatever that might be?

It has taught me that I am so not in control of what life throws my way. There are days when life is spinning out of control. Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy are much bigger then me. I am only human, it forced me to look deeper inside for something more, a strength that is greater then myself. That we cannot do this in our own human strength but we need a spiritual strength that is much greater. All of us, no matter who we are or what we believe; when it comes down to the crunch, what or who do we turn to? I believe that would be God. We can’t turn to our bank accounts, our careers, our possessions or any earthly being. When all is said and done all we really have is God. And that is the greatest answer to any of life’s questions. So therefore I love mental illness and cerebral palsy for that reason; it made me look deeper spiritually, that I probably would not have done otherwise.

Both our disorders have opened my eyes to a “new normal”. All our lives have been affected and changed in one way or another. We are learning and accepting both our life changing diagnoses. And trying to make it as “normal” as possible. We as a family still grieve the losses that comes with such life altering illnesses. Life as we knew it will never be the same. But we have to find the sunshine in this; our new normal. And that will not be easy but we will do it; one moment,one hour, one day at a time. So it as taught me tolerance of the here and now. This is a new chapter in the book of our lives. Nothing stays the same forever.

I also love mental illness and cerebral palsy because it as helped me to relate to others who are experiencing the same pain and struggles. My compassion, love and concern for others have certainly deepened because of what these disorders have taught me.

But in all honesty; can this be the truth? Can I truly love these illnesses? To some degree yes but to another,no. Can I truthfully say I love the mental illness I have and Lauren’s cerebral palsy? The truth is; I hate the mental illness I have. I hate Lauren’s cerebral palsy. After all I am only human and hate is an emotion that we all possess. Yes I have learned and grown so much but bottom line; I hate it! That is the truth:”…and the truth shall set you free!”

I just visited my acupuncturist and thought I’d get her opinion on this topic of hate and love. Is hate an emotion? Can we love and hate something at the same time? I think we concluded that hate is an emotion because love is an emotion and hate is the opposite of love. And we can love and hate at the same time. If you disagree, you’ll have to take it up with her, lol. But I love and hate mental illness and cerebral palsy at the same time.

On the flip side; how can I love something that as taken away so much from us and have changed our lives so drastically? I have lost my job, my sense of being a provider, my self confidence, self worth and the list goes on. So yes, I hate it for those reasons. Then there’s Lauren. The suffering, the senselessness, the freedom to live a “normal life” as been taken away from her. Just last night I was getting her ready for bed and I was massaging an essential oil combination that Lisa developed to help sooth her muscles. When she said,”Daddy I don’t want anymore Jesus Oil (we told her when we apply this oil, Jesus was going to make her better, so she calls it her Jesus oil). So I said,”why not my darling?” And she looked up at me and said,”because I don’t want to walk anymore?” My heart nearly broke. I said, “why don’t you want to walk anymore my love?” And she looked up at me and said,”Because it hurts too much.” Through my tears she said, “you ok Daddy”? I lied and said, “Daddy’s just fine”. When inside I was saying, “I hate you to her cerebral palsy.”

I can’t honestly say I love it, I do love the positive outcomes that have come with our disorders. But sadly to say with the positives come the harsh realities. The sleepless nights, the long periods of screaming, the wanting to walk like Bruddy, the constant 24/7 care that nobody else sees. We have no choice but to cry out to God! HELP!
j

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Bay Roberts Blogger by the Compass

Bay Roberts blogger says more needs to be done for mental health
Published on May 13, 2017
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The Tucker family has been through some tough times in recent years, and Harris (left) hopes his blog can help raise awareness for mental health. Pictured (from left) are Harris, Logan, Lauren and Lisa Harris.

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BAY ROBERTS, NL – Mental health issues have put this father of two out of work, but he hopes to raise awareness by writing about his struggles in a blog.
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Harris Tucker now lives in Bay Roberts with his wife, Lisa, and their two children, Logan and Lauren. The family originally lived in St. John’s, where Harris ran his own hairstyling business and Lisa worked as a teacher.
Harris says he’s always struggled with his mental health, having had episodes of depression and anxiety from as young as 16-years-old. However, some time around 2010, Harris was diagnosed with severe anxiety and clinical depression, and says that the stresses of life became too much. He had to leave his career and business behind.
“The stress just kept building and building,” explained Harris. “When I was younger, in my teens and early adult years, I could handle it. I’d have an episode here and there where it got pretty bad, but it was never enough for me to quit my job or anything like that. But now, ever since being clinically diagnosed, I’m too ill to work. It’s no longer just an episode here and there – it’s every day.”
Harris’ daughter, Lauren, is four-years-old, and suffers from cerebral palsy, a disorder that effects muscle tone, movement and motor skills.
Since his own diagnosis, Harris has been writing in an online blog called ‘The Life & Times of the Tuckers’ on Harrislisa72.com, where he shares his own life stories and experiences. At first, the blog was about his own struggles in dealing with his mental health issues, but since Lauren’s diagnosis with cerebral palsy, the blog has expanded into Harris’ struggles as a mentally ill father with a physically disabled daughter.
Harris told The Compass that dealing with his anxiety and depression, as well as Lauren’s cerebral palsy, has taken a toll on the family as a whole. Lisa no longer teaches, as the Tuckers are constantly in and out of places like the Janeway Children’s Hospital, and handling both mental health as well as physical health issues as a family has proven to be a taxing process.
Harris receives around $1,000 a month from disability insurance, and Lisa receives employment insurance. Harris says that this level of income is not nearly enough to sustain a family of four, especially when it comes to the costs related to their health.
As a result, the Tuckers can only afford to put Lauren in daycare three days a week. During the rest of the week, Lauren requires at least one of her parents to be by her side at all times, ultimately adding to the list of reasons Harris or Lisa can’t maintain steady employment.
Harris said the family has relied on crowd funding services such as Gofundme to help cover costs of some things, such as a wheelchair accessible van for Lauren, but adds that the family refuses to live their lives relying on other people’s money.
“It’s not the responsibility of our neighbors, or friends, or people in the community to pay for the things we need,” explained Harris as he sat in the family room of the Janeway. “At the end of the day, we’re at a point in our life where he can’t work. I’m not mentally capable or working, and we’ve got so much to handle that Lisa is no longer teaching, either. But we need more money in order to survive, but the government just doesn’t seem to be willing to try and understand that.”
Harris went on to air his frustrations, mentioning previous conversations he’s had with government representatives who were unable to provide him with the help he needed.
“I finally got a call back from one lady the other day,” said Harris, “who told me that they could help me put Lauren in daycare for an extra two days a week. That sounded great. But, then she told me it was going to cost us somewhere around $800 a month. We can’t afford things like that, not with our current income, and then we’re right back to square one.”
Despite their situation, Harris hopes his blog posts can help raise awareness of the struggles people suffering with mental illness face on a daily basis. Harris is looking to help put an end to the stigma he says sufferers of mental illness have to battle.
“I’m not really a writer. I couldn’t write a book, even if people tell me I should,” said Harris. “But I have been through a lot, and I know there are other people out there struggling in the same way.

The stress just kept building and building.

Harris Tucker

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“We need to end the stigma surrounding mental health. People need help, and they deserve that help, rather than being given the bare minimum. If our blog can help raise awareness for that, then we’ve accomplished our goal.”

Weblink: https://harrislisa72.com/

editor@cbncompas.ca

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Cannot Relate

I got up this morning, not feeling super but thankful that I was up. The day looked so overwhelming for me, so I went to my prayer chamber (the bathroom) and poured my heart out to God once again. Then I went to my Facebook blog comments and read one that really spoke truth and opened my mind to the reality of my illness. I thought I would share it with all who may read my blog; and elaborate on it a little more.

The comment said,”Great writing Harris, thank God I cannot relate to it. I think of you often, you are an inspiration.” I love the honesty she shared when she said, “thank God I cannot relate to it.” That brought so much joy to me because I am so thankful for those who cannot relate. Because this illness is not a one that many would survive. While I prayed, I thanked God that He was allowing ‘me’ to go through this illness; that means I took the place of someone else not having too. Maybe that other person may have turned to other alternatives to numb the pain and despair but I turned to God.

I try to reply to all my comments on my blogs. This was my reply to this particular comment and I hope it fills your heart with gratitude and thankfulness if you are not dealing with this dreaded illness. And if you are, may you find peace and comfort in what I say. My reply,”Thanks again xxxxxx for taking the time to read my blog (Inside My Broken Mind) I am so thankful too that you cannot relate, because this illness is a living hell. If I could take this illness from someone else and put it on myself so they could live a “normal” life, I would. I thank God for doing that for me, when He sent Jesus because that’s what He done for me. So everyday I live in Him, He is my Rock!”

I don’t profess to be perfect and have all the answers because I don’t. But in order to survive this illness you have to depend on someone bigger then yourself. An higher power. Because if you think you can do this yourself, I’m afraid you are sadly mistaken. I wish it were that easy but it’s not; we need a supernatural power. All the drugs, therapy, councilling can only help to a point; and I am grateful for all of that. But the bottom line is we need something and someone bigger.

So if you are at the end of your rope and hanging by a thread, then tie a knot and hang on. If you have tried everything, like I did and found no cure; then try God! We have nothing to loose but everything to gain. On those days when you cannot get out of bed, those days when you just want to die, those days when you have no hope, and those days when you feel all alone in a crowded world; look to Him!

Be thankful if you cannot relate because this is not a journey anyone should have to travel. But if you are like me and have to endure this living hell; be thankful that we have an advocate with the Father, the man Christ Jesus. And He said,”I will NEVER leave you or forsake you”. Hope I haven’t come across has a religious fanatic because I’m far from that. But I speak of my only hope through this illness. I hope it helps in some way to brighten your day and give you peace.

And to those of you who can’t relate; be thankful! Be very thankful!

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Inside My Broken Mind

It’s evening, my high point of the day; evenings seem to give my mind a little reprieve. I feel like a minister preparing for his sermon. What can I say that would help someone today? What can I say that would help myself today? My search for healing and peace are never ending.

I compare my mind to that of an hamster on a hamster wheel; always moving but getting no where. Thoughts enter your mind that we have no power over. What we have to realize is that; that’s all they are, thoughts and nothing more. Taking control of these thoughts and realizing that they can’t harm us is the first step to recovery.

While these thoughts are controlling our mind, we have to concentrate on our breathing, that distracts us from our thoughts, which are usually dark and ugly. It is a never ending nightmare. Yet we long for night time and sleep to escape our nightmare. Sleep is our only escape.

We watch everyone around us, living life as if all is well, but in reality we know it’s not. We want the world to stop and let us get onboard. We’ve fallen off and can’t get back on. We are swimming in an ocean of pain, trying to keep our head above water and hopefully one day will learn to swim like everyone else. But right now we are drowning; drowning in our own thoughts.

Everyone experiences depression differently. But during my major episode, the world looked dark, what was beautiful; looked ugly. The simplest task seemed impossible. I felt I was slowly dying while watching everyone else play, laugh and smile. Those things felt impossible for me, that I was not worth any of them.

Depression is utterly isolating. You hide inside your head, knowing that no one can see what’s going on inside. You live in a world of your own, afraid to come out. An overwhelming fear of your own life and mind.

Everything seems meaningless, including previous accomplishments and what had given life meaning. Anything that made you feel a sense of self-worth, self confidence or self value; just vanishes. But over time, with a lot of hard work, you can find meaning again. It’s difficult to describe all of this in a way that someone who’s never experienced it can make sense of it, because it never always made sense to me.

My depression manifested itself through uncontrollable emotion. But a better way of describing it is a constant feeling of numbness. You felt nothing!

When you wake up, you don’t want to get out of bed; life just seems too big, too unbearable. All you feel is sadness. You wish you could sleep all day and never wake up, where dreams are better than life (the life inside your head). Sleep was an escape from reality. But I have taught my brain that reality is not that bad and I can get through each day (one day at a time).

Now I try to stay outside my mind, not always listen to what my mind is saying. But enjoy the things that I do have around me and be thankful for the little things. This takes time and practice but it’s what you have to do if you are going to survive this “battlefield of the mind”.

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Diversity in Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy

I was sitting in Lauren’s psychologist’ office; stearing at the four walls as they were closing in upon me. But then my eyes fell on some words on the wall that spoke volumes to me. They were; “…our differences are not something to be tolerated, they are something to be celebrated”.

That got me thinking (that could be dangerous) about both our differences as compared to others who cannot relate to either of our disabilities. “Diversity meaning any dimension that can be used to differentiate groups and people from one another”. Mine being major depression and anxiety disorder. And Lauren’s being spastic quadriplegia cerebral palsy. Both being very diverse, yet in some ways a lot alike.

Both being alike in that; both disorders stem from the brain. CP being caused by brain injury or malformation that occurred just before or immediately after Lauren’s birth. And mine most likely from a genetic component which more than likely I inherited through birth.

We will both have to face our lives with a few more challenges than those without. But I believe the majority, if not all of us, have one challenge of one kind or another. Whether that being mentally or physically. My illness being a mood disorder, interferes with my ability to live a “happy” life. A one that I have to live above, inspite of the way I may feel or my mood may be. Just as Lauren will have to overcome so many obstacles and challenges. But she will not let her disability stop her from doing what she wants to do; she’ll just have to work a little harder than the rest.

But our differences will not define who we are. I am not my mental illness, nor is Lauren defined by her CP. We are much more than that. Life may be just a little more of a struggle for us but it will not stop us from living life to the best of our ability. It will certainly make us stronger people; despite our differences.

We will celebrate our differences and not tolerate them. Our differences are what makes us unique and special people. I have won more wars within me then most can only imagine. Lauren as become a celebrity around here, she is a princess and an inspiration to all who meet her. Our illnesses have impacted who we are but have not determined who we have become. And that we will celebrate, despite our diversity.

So, if you feel different, look different and are different; don’t look at it as a bad thing. It makes you the person you are, it opens up an whole new world that you would have never known otherwise. Do I wish we were both “normal”? No, because that would be living in a fantasy land not reality. All of us are diverse and let’s celebrate that. Our differences are what makes us all special and unique; “we are fearfully and wonderfully made”. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!