Tomorrow Will Be Better

I can’t believe that today is December 1st and before we know it it’ll be Christmas once again. Time seems to fly no matter what. It only seems like yesterday that I wrote my last blog entitled, ‘ A Relapse?’ I have hesitated to write an update to that blog simply because I wonder: why? Why bother, why take the time to write, why make my illness an open book for all to see and read? And in so doing opening myself up to judgement by others, being stigmatized, misunderstood and exposed to much prejudice by those who don’t understand or just don’t care to understand. But then I remind myself, I do this to help others, especially for those who suffer in silence, to those who don’t have a voice because it’s through speaking out and sharing our own experience with mental illness that others will begin to understand and break down the walls of stigma. So here I am again with an update on my mental health status after my relapse.

A couple of months ago I realized I was relapsing when I started having panic attacks, I lost interest in doing anything that once brought me such joy, not only did I lose interest, but I lost the motivation to do them. These were sure signs that I was rapidly spiraling down a dark hole, a place that I could not visit again. So began the hard work of keeping myself from going any deeper into this dark hole. I was determined to fight this beast with every ounce of strength that I have in me.

In my last blog I introduced you to my plan of attack. First I had to admit and realize that I needed help and I had to reach out to others who could support or give me direction I needed to take to overcome. My family doctor, my psychiatrist and therapist gave me the tools I needed, now it was up to me to do the work and work I did!

Once the kids were off to school, my work began. No matter how cold it was outside, I pushed myself out the door and went for a 30 minute walk. Now to those who are well this doesn’t seem like much but to me this seemed like a mountain, a marathon. I also practiced mindfulness and meditation throughout the day; I constantly reminded myself to stay in the moment. This also may seem easy to do but for me, it was near impossible but I had to do it. It’s now been about six weeks since I started my uphill journey to getting well and by well I don’t mean cured; I wish! By well I mean being able to feel in control of my mental illness and not the other way around. There’s nothing more scary then feeling you are not in control of your own well being and life. I have already accepted the fact that I have a chronic illness, not unlike any chronic physical illness, where both need constant medical attention.

Today I’m feeling hopeful, I haven’t had a panic attack in about two weeks. I know I have a long way to go but I find hope in the little things; each small improvement is a milestone for me. So it is with great determination that I keep moving forward and upward. That I make the best of each day, one day at a time, weather that be a good day or a bad day. If you are struggling today, don’t give up, keep fighting, tomorrow will be better!