A Mental Breakdown

It’s been practically six years since I had my last total mental breakdown. I have no problems admitting to that; if I had an heart attack I would have no trouble talking about it. My brain is an organ of the body just has my heart is and things can go wrong with any organ in our bodies. And neither should flaw our character. It just so happened that mine was my brain. The journey that I have traveled as certainly not been an easy one, a one that requires much strength, courage and fight. And to you who are out there who know what I’m talking about through your own experience with a mental illness, can truly relate.

So you may ask, it’s six years, what’s new? If I really told you, you’d be sorry for asking. But I will try to give you some insight into what’s going on with my mental health at this stage of the game.

I wish I could say things are great and I’ve never felt better but that would be lying and I want to be real. When the reality of this disorder is; there is no cure, but the most the medical field can do is to manage the symptoms and to hopefully restore me to a functioning level. I guess that’s where I am today; at a place where I can somewhat function in the real world but still requires medical support, much like many other illnesses. The mental health clinicians and physicians use a scale called the GAF- Global Assessment of Functioning. It’s a numeric scale to rate subjectively the social, occupational and psychological functioning of an individual, ex.: how well one is meeting various problems-in-living. Scores range from 100(extremely high functioning) to 1(severely impaired). So using this scale I can say when I first became ill, at my acute stage, I was probably a one. Today I am around 60 on the scale. Doing much better, but not back to my outgoing, risk taking, ambitious, creative self. It’s here I believe society has the misconception of what a ‘mental breakdown’ is. I wasn’t going around like a ravishing lunatic, has probably most would think. No, I was the complete opposite; I was stripped of everything I was. My being was gone, my will to live was gone, my strength was gone, my personality was gone; I was reduced to nothing. But a soul crying out to be free of this hell that I was captured in. A soul just crying out for help. That’s what a mental breakdown is, so don’t judge; if you have a brain, you are not exempt!

My illness as still stolen so much from me that I will probably never get back to where I was. I still have extreme problems with concentration, mental fatigue, loosing my train of thought and being able to be quick and alert with my thought process. And no matter how hard I try, it just sometimes isn’t there and that can be very frustrating. But I work with it and just by blogging I believe I stimulate my brain to do amazing things, thanks to God.

My last visit to my physician I was basically told this is as good as it gets. We have tried everything available and for me that’s very discouraging. No I didn’t get a death sentence but for someone who lives this illness everyday of their lives, then that is what it seems like. And because my brain isn’t always able to analyze or reason my sometimes troubled thoughts, I find it harder to cope. But I live each day as best I can, with what I have. But my illness will not control my life! I believe by openly talking about it; I take back the power. By  keeping silent I believe you are admitting to yourself that you are weak, ashamed, you are worthless. hopeless and a nobody. But in reality you are courageous, strong, worthy and a somebody. You can be a VICTOR; not a victim. A winner not a loser, YOU MATTER! I MATTER!

For the past six years, that works out to be 2,190 days, I have gotten out of bed and said, ‘God , please just let me have one ‘good’ day.’  A day with no pain, fear or sadness; just a day where I can just enjoy my family and not be enslaved by this illness. I live in hopes that one morning I will awake and it’s gone but maybe that morning won’t come until I see my Maker, face to face. But for each day until then I pray for strength, sunshine and hope to flood my life. And may I always walk with my head held high, my hand outstretched to someone else in need and my heart filled with God’s love and compassion.