My pen sets silently in my hands. It doesn’t want to move, much like my whole body. Depression as washed over me like an ocean wave. The last few months have been a very disturbing time for me, there has been many triggers that have aggravated my illness. Triggers are unpleasant and disturbing experiences that occur in your life that bring on an episode of intense depression and anxiety (in my case). And when this happens, you have to fight for your life again.
Right now this episode as left me with so many unwanted, irritable symptoms. I find it very difficult to socialize, I isolate as much as possible; my interaction with others are forced. I know I can’t isolate, it just isn’t good for my mental health, but yet it’s all I want to do. I just don’t have the drive, the energy or enthusiasm that is required to be in public. My triggers have knocked me down big time, but I know I have to get up, but how do you get up when you feel you have so little strength left; fatigue is a big problem. You barely have enough strength to crawl.
I have learned over the years what I have to do to survive but when intense depression strikes, your survival guide seems so unattainable. You push and push and push until you feel you can push no more. But push I must, or if not I will be in deeper trouble; and I am not going there again. To that dark tunnel that has no light at the end.
When you are feeling this way, you search for that something that can bring you that glimmer of hope. But when you are enduring such intense depression; your thoughts are so distorted that you cannot see the light, the smallest task seems so impossible to do. It’s at this point you have to give it all you got and find some good, somewhere. It’s there, just so much harder to see when you are in a cloud of fog.
Some things that I’m using to bring me through this valley of despair at the moment are; looking forward to Logan coming home from school, hearing Lauren saying ‘Good morning Daddy’. It’s in the little things lots of times, the smell of supper cooking, the sun shining, looking outside and realizing that spring is here. All does my heart good.
It’s great that I do enjoy various hobbies and when I’m not feeling well I try to distract myself by engaging in them. Right now I started painting again, it’s great therapy and certainly a great distraction. Painting is a great way to express your feelings and emotions. For example, I can paint pictures that portray calmness, peacefulness, beauty and solitude. All of which help to reflect positive thoughts. I also love playing the part of ‘Walter on da line’, but that is very difficult to do when you are not feeling well. When I do feel well enough, I find it is such great therapy and laughter is great medicine.
Writing about mental illness certainly brings no glory to myself. In reality, I really would like to hide under a rock and never come out, so the world would never see my illness. But I believe in order to help others that are suffering with mental illness, we have to talk about it. And in doing so, we help others realize they are not alone, we educate each other, and we help break down the walls of stigma that still exist today.
