Tag: sunshine

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A Good Day

I was swiftly spiralling down a dark hole of despair. Loosing control as I was going down, down, down. Every indication that I was relapsing was steering me in the face. My sleeping pattern was interrupted, my appetite for food was dwindling, my emotions were crying out to me to help them stop. But I could not control them, the dam had broken and I was drowning. But worst of all, panic attacks had returned and was taking over my life. My greatest fear had come true; I was relapsing!

But was I willing and was I going to let this happen again? I fought this before and I will fight this war again. I was determined to stop this illness from escalating into a full blown breakdown. In the back of my mind I knew my options had pretty much ran out. Over the years I had tried everything to escape this living hell. But yet every day for the past eight years (not including a lifetime) I could not honestly say I had a ‘good’ day. I am not referring to my physical life but my life from within my mind. My mind was broken and I was trying desperately to fix it. I just wanted this hell to go away. But to even reach a functioning level, required hard, hard work. And today I have reached that level but staying there requires so much strength, courage and determination.

And there are so many every day triggers that would throw me into the grasps of my depression, anxiety and panic attacks. How was I going to defeat this monster? I have to use my past experiences to find my way out. And I knew the best place to start was my amazing family doctor. I wasted no time to get an appointment and before I knew it, I was sitting face to face with the man I knew could help me. I described to him the horrors of my panic attacks, how they awakened me from my already restless sleep. How I was afraid to be in a public place because a panic attack could strike without warning and wasn’t  just confined to my home life but could occur anywhere. And because of this, I was a prisoner, under house arrest.

I explained how I wasn’t living, just surviving and this was fair to no one. I was determined, this as to stop and I would do anything to make it stop. And being the compassionate doctor he is, he was determined to help me. His first plan of attack was to get my panic attacks under control. And this would require another drug, called buspirone. I have to admit, I wasn’t all that optimistic, given my track record. But I was willing to try and I did. To my amazement, six days later from taking this new drug, I have not had another panic attack since. I am being highly cautious and afraid to get my hopes up because of past drug failures but I have to believe that this one is working and will remain working.

I visited my scheduled psychologist appointment yesterday. And as I sat in his home based office, he politely asked how I was doing today? And I replied with, ‘I’m having a good day’. It seems like forever since I said those words, I really surprised myself when I said them. When you have a chronic illness, it’s not every day you can say, you’re having a good day. So now I’m just hoping to have more ‘good’ days, then bad days.

All of us I’m sure have good days and bad days. One thing we can be assured of and that is, it won’t rain always. And if we could just remember that on the bad days then we can make it through. I’m reminded of the song which says;

“Someone said that in each life some rain is bound to fall. And each one sheds his share of tears, And trouble troubles us all. But the hurt can’t hurt forever and the tears are sure to dry.

And it won’t rain always, the clouds will soon be gone. The sun that they’ve been hiding has been there all along. And it won’t rain always, God’s promises are true. The sun’s gonna shine in His own good time, and He will see you (and He will see me) through.”

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The Seasons Come And Go

Winter as finally passed and Spring is so desperately trying to unfold. With Spring comes that feeling of new life, new beginnings, fresh hope and a warmth that inspires the soul. The cold, chilly winter season as reluctantly become another memory in time. Much as happened; good and bad. But yet we have survived another season; another season of life.

I can’t honestly say that the past several months hasn’t come without it’s tough times. It’s been rough on all of us, to say our life is simple, would be an understatement. Living with mental illness and cerebral palsy would be enough to send any family’s life into a whirlwind. And lots of days that’s what it feels like; you are living in a whirlwind. Where life is spinning out of control and you’re fighting to hold the pieces together. Some days you may feel like you’re winning and other days like you are loosing the fight.

With my mental illness, I must say it’s still an everyday struggle but most days now, I feel it’s a struggle that I am winning. I guess it’s like someone who has diabetes, they still have it but they have it under control. And for me with my depression and anxiety, I feel on most days I have it under control.  But each day still requires a lot of self talk, keeping my thoughts from becoming distorted and unrealistic, trying to keep life as ‘normal’ as possible and live in the moment. Is this easy to do? No, not at all but if I am going to beat this living hell, then this is what I have to do on a daily bases, if I am going to survive; I can never let my guard down. And maybe with this new season of Spring may come new life, new hope and new beginnings for all of us.

Lauren has certainly had her share of pain, hurt and uncertainties. The cold winter months have found her spending most of it in bed, recovering from two major hip surgeries, that can only be described as horrific. No child should have to suffer what this child as endured and will still have to endure in the months to come. Her first hip surgery was performed in May 2018, the second was done September 2018. It’s now April 2019 and it’s only now that I can say that she is bouncing back from her ordeals. She as missed majority of her school year in kindergarten. We are now in the process of gradually introducing her back into the school setting, which as to be done slowly, cautiously and at her own pace, due to her high levels of anxiety. But she is doing fairly well and her school as been so accommodating during this transition period and for that we are so thankful.

Life for us as parents of a disabled child will never be the same again. And I don’t say that in a selfish way but in a realistic way. I know that the only parents that will truly understand what I mean; are parents that are privileged to have a disabled child. Lauren may be six years of age but right now we still have a six year old baby. We do the exact same things for her now as when she was a baby. Except now it’s harder because she as grown to be a big girl, who requires constant lifting. And the 24/7 care doesn’t end and doesn’t get any easier.

I believe that life for all of us at this season of Lauren’s life is a little tougher. Lauren is so aware, so intelligent and so full of questions; questions that we don’t always know how to answer. For instance, yesterday we were going outside and out of nowhere she asked, “Daddy why do I have to be in a wheelchair?” I’m sorry but I wish that no child would ever have to ask that question. She’s realizing now, more then ever, especially since she’s gone back to school; that not all kid’s are in wheelchairs. So she’s wondering and asking, why am I in a wheelchair? It was only recently she asked Lisa, “Mommy, when you were a little girl, were you in a wheelchair?” How can we live without having a broken heart? There will always be moments like these when our hearts are torn from our bodies. And just one more heart wrenching moment, when she asked me while we were just lying in her bed, “Daddy did you see me when I done a cartwheel?” And I lied and said, “Yes my angel and that was the best cartwheel I have ever seen in my life”.

Nature may have four distinct seasons; Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer. All of which will come and go at it’s own designated times. Much like the seasons of life. Right now I am at a different season in my mental health then I was last year at this time. And right now Lauren is at a different season of her cerebral palsy and we have discovered that those seasons are forever evolving and changing. We just have to learn to adjust to each individual season and to learn to find warmth in the coldness, sunshine in the rain, new life amidst the dying dreams. Healing and hope when the season as gone.

 

 

 

 

 

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SUICIDE

                                                         The most hushed word in the English language, I believe, is the word; SUICIDE! Why are we has a Society so afraid to discuss or even speak the word? It’s almost looked upon has a curse word, a bad word, even when spoken it should be whispered. But after reading this blog I hope our thinking, understanding and compassion toward suicide will take on an whole new perspective and we will see it in an whole new light.

Suicide brings up many questions but few answers. It is my intention to give some of my insight, my opinions into this silent killer. It is my hope that through this blog I may encourage someone that is contemplating suicide to think twice, give yourself another chance, you are worth it, there is hope, someone will listen if you would just reach out.

I have to admit this is not easy for me to do. I would rather not talk about it either, if I had a choice, but what good would that do? My whole purpose in blogging is to help others who are surrounded by this darkness and torment; therefore I have to speak out. It’s our only hope of finding the light and making the sun to shine again.  I remember so vividly when I was at the acute stage of my illness, when there was no hope in sight; all I wanted to do was die and end this hellish existence for everyone concerned.

“Committed Suicide”! Committed brings to mind something bad someone did willfully. It is not my belief that someone who dies of suicide does so willfully. As defined by Google, the word, ‘commit’ means ‘to perpetrate or carry out a mistake, crime or immortal act. You ‘commit’ a crime. Therefore this is a term I try not to use when referring to suicide. Rather than say, ‘someone committed suicide’, it’s more appropriate to say, ‘died from suicide’. Someone who died from suicide did not willfully choose to take their life; if they felt they had a choice they  would choose life. They have reached the point where nothing makes sense anymore. Having no life at all is better than the life they have. Your distorted thinking convinces you; your life is worthless and everyone would be better off without you. You are so exhausted from fighting this battlefield in your mind, that you just can’t fight anymore. When my Dad was dying, some of his last words were, ‘I just want peace’. Dad found that peace from his fight with cancer and is now at rest; no more fighting. The same is true for someone fighting a mental illness, they just want peace. Your voice of reason is gone.

                                                        You may be asking, ” why would you want to talk about suicide so openly and publicly?” And I would ask, ‘Why not?” This is one of the most alarming epidemics facing our society today. And you want me to be quiet about it? I don’t think so! God is at work here! The statistics speak for themselves. “In 2009 there were 3,890 suicides in Canada”. According to the World Health Organization, “Close to 800,000 people die to suicide every year. That works out to be around one person every 40 seconds”.’ In 2015 there were an estimated 788,000 suicide deaths worldwide’. In 2017 this statistic is growing at an alarming rate and will only keep growing. And that is why we have such an alarming drug and alcohol abuse problem in our society today. People will turn to anything to dumb the pain. They are afraid to talk about the way they are really feeling, due to the shame this illness brings, people will think you’re weak, the stigma, the ignorance of not knowing or not understanding this illness; forces many to suffer in silence. And to that person who is suffering in silence, I would say, ‘you are not alone’. There is hope and peace to be found again. I struggle with this everyday, but I see light through the cracks, glimmers of hope in the depths of despair. We can and will get through this.

If you are someone who have lost a loved one through suicide; there are never going to be enough words for me to help you understand, to take away the pain, to make sense of it all, to dry your tears or to help heal your broken heart. But let’s begin by saying, ‘this is not your fault, there is nothing that you could have done or didn’t do’. Your loved one was very, very ill and I believe something in their brain went terribly wrong and therefore at the point of ending there life; they felt no hope, no way of escape, they wanted to unburden their loved ones of the misery that their illness had brought to their family. Know now that they are finally at PEACE and they did this to free themselves and you of this horrible, horrific disease. Do not be ashamed or angry; it was their illness that forced them to do this. But rest assured they are now, FINALLY, at PEACE.

I believe that society has come  a long way, when it comes to the way people look at mental illness/suicide. The walls of stigma and ignorance (not knowing) have somewhat come down. But we still have a long way to go. If you are wondering, well what can I do? My answer would be to educate yourself on what mental illness is, have a better understanding, an open mind and to forget some of the myths, lies, primitive ideas that we have been raised to believe surrounding mental illness and suicide. For example, years ago suicide victims were automatically sent to hell and their bodies would not be buried in a consecrated Church cemetery but were buried on the outside. Now how primitive, self righteous, judgemental and disgraceful can a culture and society be, in order to do such a thing. May God forgive them “for they know not what they do.” Thankfully we have moved forward and have respect for all the deceased; for God is our eternal judge.

One of the best things we can do for someone who is contemplating suicide is to LISTEN.  Listen and show you care, reassure them that it’s going to be okay. Sometimes the best advice we can give, is as little as possible. Sometimes when we have all the right motives in mind and we mean well; we can say exactly what someone that is suicidal does not want to hear. So…listen, love, and never leave that person alone; be there for them. And suggest that maybe they visit a mental health professional or their family doctor, but never without their consent, no surprises. Just be there….

I believe with our limited mental health care in NL the church needs to play a role in helping victims and their families in dealing with suicide and mental illness. To begin that process the Church needs to make its stand on just what they believe concerning mental illness and especially suicide. But the church’s stand on suicide is certainly not clearly defined as of today. If it were it would certainly help in the grieving process for those who  have lost a loved one through suicide. Some Churches have taught that a suicide victim was/is automatically going to hell. It is my belief that it is not clearly stated in scripture the fate of a suicide victim, and therefore we are not in a place to make such a statement. I conclude therefore that the fate of any soul, whether death by suicide or death from any illness, can “only” be decided by God. As believers it is not our responsibility to play judge and jury. But instead, our calling is to bring comfort, mercy, and love to all those affected by suicide and leave the rest to God.

Today I consider myself an advocate for mental illness. I am not a medical professional, nor do I have all the answers but my lifetime with a mental illness has given me experience, wisdom and knowledge that I would have never obtained otherwise. I have insight into what this illness can do, how it affects the individual themselves,their families and their caregivers. This illness can destroy marriages, friendships, relationships and lives. It is my prayer that I could be used to help others , bring healing to the hurting and restoration to the broken. I am a vessel that’s broken, but daily I am putting the pieces back together and you can too.

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My Prayer For Today

Dear God,
I know I’m not asking too much; for nothing is impossible with you.

May I find sunshine through the clouds.
Light in the darkness.
Wisdom for my unanswered questions.
Hope, when it seems all hope is gone.
Faith when my faith is small.
Healing for all my hurts and ills.
Forgiveness to move on.
And love when I just need a hug.

So God,
If you’re listening today and you decide to answer my prayer;

May I spread sunshine to someone else’s cloudy day.
Shine my light to illuminate the darkness.
Wisdom to help someone find their way.
Spread hope to those feeling hopeless.
Offer faith that can move mountains.
Healing for those who are hurting and in pain.
Help others to find forgiveness.
May I never be afraid to give someone a hug; for God is Love

Thanks God,
Harris

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Writer’s Block

I think I have writer’s block! But I decided it’s time to write anyway. I’m sure has I start writing, I’ll have lots to share. I think I’ll answer some questions I have roaming around in my head and update you on what’s happening and how I’m progressing on this journey of mine. To say the least it’s been a roller coaster ride and not the fun kind.

Why do I blog, why do I invest in my time to write and what’s a blog anyway? A blog is really the publishing of one’s thoughts, activities and happenings on the internet. Much like journalling but journalling is for personal viewing only; a private writing of your thoughts into a book rather than on the internet. Blogging and journally are both a very effective form of therapy for individuals that need an outlet to release your thoughts and feelings. Whether that be a private journal or a public blog. My doctor recommended I start journalling a long time ago. I did that for a while but then I realized I wanted to share my journey with others and in the process may help others who are walking this same road. So here I am sharing my life with you.

I guess it’s time for a little update on my progress or regression, whatever it might be. A few weeks ago it felt like regression but in reality I cannot honestly say that I am where I would like to be. After five years, I still struggle every day. My nightsleeps are always interrupted with thoughts of panic and fear. Mornings are still a ‘fight for my life’ battle from within my head. I manage with a lot of self-talk, mindfulness (being in the moment) and being aware of my breathing.

A few weeks ago I became very tired, frustrated and discouraged; I was sick of being sick! So I thought I’d take matters into my own hands and take action before this escalated any further. It is one of my greatest fears that my ugly illness will show itself in all of it’s fury once again and I cannot let that happen. I’M AFRAID I WOULD NEVER SURVIVE ANOTHER RELAPSE OF THIS MAGNITUDE EVER AGAIN. So immediately I called my psychiatrist office, expecting to get in immediately (silly me). I certainly would not have called if I had thought this was not an urgent matter. The earliest, the secretary said, “is September 28th” which is my original appointment anyway. So I said in hopelessness and urgency to put me on a wait list; so far….no call!

Coincidentally I had an appointment made with my family doctor for the following day. When I visited him I told him of my issue with my psychiatrist. My doctor, sensing my desperation, assured me he could help. I was, at the time, on 187.5mg of effexor. He thought he should increase by 37.5mg until I reached a maximum of 300mg. I left feeling much encouraged and with an hope that an increase would help. I have now reached my 300mg dose for each day. Now I’m living in hopes that this dosage is going to improve my condition and I’ll feel better. But all in time. So now I wait. AGAIN!

But on the other hand, I am doing so much better than I have in the past. I now have longer periods of time when I feel the sunshine. Days when “hope springs eternal”, meaning; “it is human nature to always find fresh cause for optimism”. So for that I am so grateful and thankful. And pray to God that I will never go back to that cold, dark, ugly place that once I was. All we have to do is hang in there (that’s not easy to do) and never give up.