Tag: suicide

Posted on

MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, MY HELL

This is the written copy of my presentation I did at the CBS Salvation Army Church on Sunday, May 5, 2024.

My name is Harris Tucker and I have a mental illness! Yes I said it, I have a mental illness. It’s a topic that is seldom talked about. For many reasons; it is highly stigmatized, very much misunderstood, discriminatory, ignorance as in not knowing, shameful and isolating. So therefore people with mental illness, suffer in silence. But I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide; I have an illness, it’s that simple. No need to be stigmatized, no need to be misunderstood, no room for prejudice, no need to feel alone. This is why I have and I will talk about my illness with openness, transparency and truth; hiding nothing.

 

My advocacy for mental illness can be found on my website at: www.harrislisa72.com, where I frequently blog my journey. And also my book; Beyond The Door, My Journey Through A Lifetime of Mental Illness. It’s through both of these avenues that I have shared my story, my diagnosis, my life and my experience with, “Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder”.

 

I would like to read to you, ‘A Note From The Author’, contained in my book backgrounder:

“Beyond the Door” is a book like none other you will ever read. It leads you through my lifetime with mental illness, and a relapse that rendered me nothing less then a walking corpse; a body without a mind. After several years of medical help, I finally fought my way back to a somewhat functioning level. I began to write and found this to be a great source of therapy. I began to blog.It was here you would find what was going on inside this broken mind. Each blog captured my thoughts right in the moment it was written; raw, true, transparent and painful. Nothing was hidden, nothing! If this book doesn’t give you a new perspective and break down some walls of stigma, then I have failed as an author. But I know this book will do even more. It will stir within you a desire to know more – more about this illness, more about this machine we call the mind!

My book is available tonight in the foyer or online at: Amazon, Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, Book Depository and Amazon Kindle.

 

Let me begin by saying, I am not a doctor,psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist; nor am I a professional in the field of psychiatry. What I am, is someone who has suffered from a mental illness all my life. My struggle with mental health began when I was just a child. I didn’t know then, but what I was struggling with was a mental illness. My lifetime with mental illness has provided me with a vast knowledge, and hands on life experience, that I would have never learned or gained otherwise; I had lived it and still do to this day. And so, I am someone who ‘gets it’; I understand, I’ve been there. I have survived this horrific disease and I am willing to share my journey with you. To help you better understand this illness, to educate, and by doing so, to tear down the walls of stigma that surround it.

 

The brain is said to be one of the most complex organs of the body and the disorders associated with it are equally as complex. And that is why mental illness is so misunderstood and so stigmatized. It certainly ‘is not’ a choice as some may think. The medical field and the scientific community have yet to come to a universal agreement on the nature and cause of depression. But the general consensus is that depression is a medical condition, an illness; not a personal failure, a weakness or a spiritual battle, as many may still think today.

 

Let me explain in a nutshell what I have come to understand about my illness. Our brain chemicals, or neurotransmitters, are not at the levels they should be to maintain good mental health. The neurotransmitters, that affect how we feel, are serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine. When our brain is producing too much, or not enough, of these chemicals then our mental well being is greatly affected and thus, we suffer depression and other mental disorders. A great comparison to help us understand this disorder is to compare it to diabetes. When a person suffers from diabetes, it often means that their pancreas is not producing enough insulin to regulate their blood sugar levels, and therefore, have to take insulin to regulate normal sugar levels. Likewise, someone suffering from depression may need to take medication, such as SSRIs, to increase serotonin levels in the brain. When we are educated to what a mental illness is, then it leaves no room for stigmatization or misunderstanding. It is what it is; an illness!

 

Before I share my personal journey with my own mental illness, let me share with you some very alarming statistics, according to Global Mental Health Statistics.

  1. 970 million people around the world struggle with some form of mental illness.
  2. 1 in 4 people will be affected by a mental illness at some point in their lives. So please do not think you will never be affected, or someone you love. Its much like saying, you will never get cancer. No one is exempt! And because you are a Christian doesn’t mean you can’t suffer from depression and other mental disorders.
  3. Approximately 8 million deaths each year are attributed to mental disorders.
  4. More than 700,000 people die due to suicide every year worldwide.

 

Now let’s bring that home to Canada.

According to the Canadian Mental Health Association:

  1. Mental illness indirectly affects ALL Canadians at some time; either through their own experience, or that of a family member, friend or colleague.
  2. 1 in 5 people in Canada will personally experience a mental health problem or illness.
  3. Every year, approximately 4500 people in Canada die by suicide, which is equivalent to 12 people dying by suicide every day.
  4. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth and young adults between 15-34 years of age.

 

In our own province of NL suicide numbers are up by 25% in 2021, according to numbers from the province’s Chief Medical Exhaminer. NL suicide rates have tripled since the 1980’s, among the highest in Canada.

Sad to say, but the suicide rate is increasing every day and will continue to increase. One alarming fact about mental illness is that many turn to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain; this only adds to the problem; it does not solve it. And this, in turn, only exacerbates the drug and alcohol crisis that we are facing today.

 

And I Begin….

MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, MY HELL

My whole life has been plagued with a mental illness.I cannot remember, in my adult life, not being prescribed an antidepressant medication. You see, I experienced my first mental breakdown when I was just sixteen years of age. At that time there was no help, medication was not approved for anyone under the age of 18. So, I was sent home by my doctor to battle this monster, and survive was all I could do. I wasn’t living, I was existing, I was surviving. This continued until I was eighteen and then I was prescribed antidepressants which helped to bring me back to a functioning level. Medication does work; it may not be a cure, but it surely helped me to navigate through life. The years that lay ahead were not easy years, but I did live a high functioning life and operated my own business for 28 years. I basically lived a fairly normal life, while struggling with depression and anxiety but both were managed by medication, and kept me fairly well.

 

I went on to marry the love of my life, Lisa. And then 13 years later, we were blessed with our little boy, Logan. However, this didn’t mean my illness was gone. In 2012, when Logan was one year old, I experienced a mental breakdown like I had never experienced before. I was so mentally ill, my depression and anxiety was so severe, that I physically shut down. And this is what I want to emphasize; that depression is not just about being sad, anxiety is not just about being anxious.Mental illness affects every area of your life – both mentally and physically. I feel sometimes we have the tendency to minimize the extreme seriousness of this illness. When in fact this illness is the only illness known to man that one of it’s symptoms has the ability to take away your will to live. No other illness as that power! So if you remember nothing else I said tonight, please remember that!

 

At the acute stage of my illness I became totally non-functioning. I had a disability; not a physical one where I was confined to a wheelchair, but a mental one, locked inside my head.I don’t remember much about those days. I had lost a lot of my memory, to a point where I was monitored for dementia. Tasks that once came so easily were now impossible to do. I couldn’t use a cell phone; a computer was a foreign object, something that I feared. I would stand at the kitchen sink and not know how to wash the dishes. In fact, it got so bad, at one point, that I didn’t know how to zipper my coat. Lisa described me as a ‘walking corpse’; a mind in constant torment. THIS IS MENTAL ILLNESS!!

 

Many times, I felt there was no hope, no help and no way back; just a black hole. The medical profession had tried everything possible, from: cocktails of medication to electro convulsive therapy. Up to this point, I was deemed treatment resistant, as nothing was working! When someone reaches this point, and I was there, totally hopeless and ‘unable to reason’, that many often feel that the only way to end the pain, and free their love ones of their burden, is to hope for peace through suicide. It is not our place to judge, for only God has that right and only God knows our hearts, our innermost thoughts. Thankfully, I was never suicidal; borderline, yes. I’ve had many days, when I was so sick, that I just wanted to die, to escape this hellish existence. I prayed to God to let me die. I know of one occasion when Pastor White came to visit, and he told me after the fact, that when he left my house on this particular day; he said, ‘If God did not intervene, then next week I will be performing Harris’s funeral!’ But that wasn’t God’s plan for me! I’m still here!

 

Even in my despair, God continued to bless us. Our precious Lauren was born amid all this chaos and turmoil, only to be diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy on the day of her first birthday. You talk about the bottom falling out of our already shattered world. Again we were faced with yet another life-altering diagnosis. God, where are you? God, why? So many questions, so few answers. This is where my faith had to come into play, but at times, my faith was very small. Every day brought new challenges, as in my weakness, I tried to help strengthen our little girl and be a good Daddy to both Logan and Lauren. All day, everyday, I pushed myself to the limit. Normal everyday tasks, that came naturally to others, seemed insurmountable to me. But, I would not give up, so fight I did!

 

And, to this day I still struggle through every day; maybe not at the intensity of which I did but, I still struggle. We must realize that our brain is no different than any other organ in our body. I am no different than someone with diabetes hypertension, liver disease, heart disease, etc. Things can go wrong with the brain, just like something can go wrong with the heart. Miraculously, I have come so far, but my battle is far from over. I speak for all those who struggle with this disease. I intend to speak for those who don’t have a voice, as well as those who have succumbed to their battle with this illness. Every morning, I have to pray and ask God to see me through the day and , thankfully, He has been faithful!

 

When you suffer from a mental illness it is so easy to lose hope; in fact, to become totally hopeless, to be engulfed by darkness. So how can we help as a Church? What is our responsibility as a born again Christian? It certainly isn’t to pretend that mental illness doesn’t exist. Jesus has called us to be ‘Our Brother’s Keeper’, to be the Good Samaritan to someone else in need; to that someone that is struggling today.

 

We live in a hurting world, a world that’s filled with so much hate. A world that’s searching for something to fill that void, that emptiness. I have come to realize that, that space within us cannot be filled with anything that this world can offer; its empty lies.The only answer is a spiritual one, a supernatural power, that can only be found in Jesus and Jesus alone! We cannot do this on our own. I would never have been able to survive this battlefield of the mind, if it weren’t for my personal relationship with Jesus Christ!He understood me when no one else did. John 10:10 says, I am come that you may have life and have it more abundantly’. 2 Kings 20:5 ‘I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears’. I’ll be completely honest; I won’t give you false hope. I won’t tell you to bring it to Jesus and all your hurts, pain, sickness will go away. He can make that happen, but sometimes that’s not part of His plan; it’s not His will. What He does promise, is that no matter what, He will never leave us. Hebrews 13:5 ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’He will walk with us and, at times, He will carry us. Isaiah 43:2 states it so clearly, ‘When you pass through the waters (and you will), I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned.’ And that is how I have endured the flames that mental illness has brought into my life. I have always known that He was with me; I may not have always felt He was with me, but I knew beyond a doubt that He was and is with me! Because of this, I can say, with confidence, that He will do the same for you! There is HOPE!

 

What is your story?

 

 

 

 

 

Posted on

Let’s Talk

Mental health matters and so does each person with a mental illness. We are not  alone, 1 in 5 Canadians suffer from a ,mental illness of some form or another, I believe that over the past few years, especially during Covid, that we are in a mental health crisis. Mental illness has no respect of persons, no one is exempt, no one! Mental illness has touched the lives of all of us, whether that being ourselves directly or someone we know.

Today is “Bell Let’s Talk” day. So, let’s talk! My name is Harris Tucker and I suffer from a mental illness! I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide; I have an illness, it’s that simple. No need to be stigmatized, no need to be misunderstood, no room for prejudice, no need to feel alone. This is why I have talked about my illness with openness, transparency and truth; hiding nothing. My advocacy for mental illness can be found on my website at www.harrislisa72.com and also through my book, “Beyond The Door, My Journey Through A Lifetime Of Mental Illness”, available through Amazon.ca. It’s through both of these avenues that I have shared my story, my life and my experiences with;  major depression and anxiety disorder. Bell’s campaign, ‘Let’s Talk’ certainly motivates us all to share our story. How else will others know and understand what mental health is all about, if we don’t  talk about it?  So let’s talk and talk some more, let’s never stop talking. And eventually the walls of stigma will come down and all those who are suffering, will suffer in silence no more but will talk of their illness has free has talking about any physical illness.

In the last few months I have worked on my mental health so intently because if I didn’t I would once again end up in that dark hole with no end in sight. I have to give some credit for my improvement to my medical team; my family doctor, my psychiatrist and therapist who have so caringly given me the tools and encouragement that I needed to get to where I am today, which is a much better place. A place where I can find some light, a place of hope and a reason to love myself and live, in spite of my  mental illness. It’s been a long journey back to a form of recovery, I know I’m not cured, there is no cure, but I am so thankful to be able to say that I am at a better place then I have been in years. And much appreciation also goes to my family and my heavenly Father who have walked this journey with me and have never left me and I’m sure will continue to walk with me.

I am especially drawn to those who suffer with depression and anxiety because I know how they feel, I get it. I have been where they are. But I want to tell you now; no matter how dark the day – there is light, no matter how hopeless you feel – there is hope, and no matter how worthless you feel – you matter, you are worthy! Just hang in there; after the darkness comes the dawn. The light will shine again!! I know because I have been there!

Posted on

Every Life Matters

I often thought throughout my lifetime that there was something that was just not right. Even as a child I had emotions and thoughts that a child need not have. I would worry over the least little thing, I would often cry myself to sleep; but why?  Anxiety flooded my being, even when I didn’t know what anxiety meant. Behind those big brown eyes, there lived a child in despair, a child dealing with what should only be adult worries and concerns. Looking back over all those years, I realize today that I struggled with a mental illness, even then as a child, I suffered with a broken mind. And sad to say, that little boy still struggles today. There was never a cure, never did my wounds heal and what did heal left unimaginable scars.

Fifty-seven years have come and gone, yet today I’m still struggling; fighting an illness that is genetically hidden in my DNA. Not unlike someone that was predisposed to some other neurological, physical or psychological disorder/disability. I may not be confined to a wheelchair, but none the less; disabled. Depression and anxiety changes who you are, the person who I was is long gone. Now I have to accept my new ‘normal’; a normal that is so far from anything but ‘normal’. A normal that I hate but so far out of my control. I struggle so much just to do the simple things, that once I just took for granted. Just driving my car, the anxiety that creates would stop me from driving at all; if I let it. It may not stop me but it sure limits to where I can drive. Then there’s the anxiety of being in a crowd, I can’t breath, I’m overwhelmed, but no one knows because they cannot physically see what I’m feeling inside. Those are just two examples of what someone experiences who struggles with an anxiety disorder, and believe me there are lots more.

The news came once again recently, that someone I knew died by suicide. The tragedy in all of this is not only the passing of this person but the stigma, the shame and the judgment that comes with it; and that’s the biggest tragedy of all. We are so quick to pass judgment, when in reality that is not our place to do so. Majority of people that die by suicide are certainly not in the frame of mind to make such a decision if they weren’t suffering from some form of mental or neurological disorder. The disorder has changed who that person really is and was before their illness. So please let’s not judge anyone, because no one is exempt, no one! But let’s console those who are grieving, and allow them to grieve with respect and honor , without shame or embarrassment. That would be the thing to do, every life matters, so be kind and compassionate.

So today I live on, I fight with all that is within me. I try to help those who are struggling themselves, to help them see that maybe tomorrow will be better, just maybe.

Posted on

700,000 Reasons Why I Blog/Write

Summer surrounds me in all her glory, but why am I feeling the freezing cold of winter?  Why can’t I just for this once just soak in it’s brilliant rays, relax in the warmth of the summer season? The brighter the sun  shines, the more my restless mind spins out of control. Mental illness is fatal and I’m fighting for my life. Everyday, sunshine or rain makes no difference, I have to fight to calm this war within. I am tired, I am sick and tired of this disorder. When will it end?  When will this war be over?

Sometimes I’m so preoccupied with trying to help others that I forget to take care of myself. Most times I feel I have to be well because I have so many responsibilities and demands to care for others, that I forget I need to be well for me too. If I’m not well then how can I be of help to those around me, especially my sweet Lauren, who depends on me for most everything.. I need to be present for her. no matter how I’m feeling, a really bad day or not, there are no exceptions.

I desperately try everyday to be the best that I can be and lots of days I fall short. Mental illness has stolen so much from me that there’s so little of me left to give. But I do what I can with what I have. Writing as sure been one of my greatest avenues of expressing what mental illness is and helping to unleash my untamed mind. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother, are my thoughts and writing just falling on deaf ears. As this all been in vain?

What is to follow is a presentation that I was supposed to present at one of my book launches, that never happened. To say I was disappointed would have been an understatement. I wasn’t angry about it, I was hurt. For someone dealing with mental illness; this could have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was so easy for me to just give up, there and then. But I didn’t and here I am telling my story once again. You may say, “Why bother?” Well here are my reasons to not give up writing, maybe I can just help someone.                                                                                                                                                                           -In any given year, 1 in 5 Canadians experience a mental illness. (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health).                                                                                                                         -By the time Canadians reach 40 years of age,  1 in 2 have or have had a mental illness.                                                                                                                                                                                  -Young people aged 15-24 are more likely to experience mental illness and/or substance use disorders than any other age group.                                                                       -People with substance use disorders are up to 3 times more likely to have a mental illness.                                                                                                                                                               -June 17, 2021 – More than 700,000 people die due to suicide every year. (World Health Organization).                                                                                                               -Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death among 15-29 year olds in the world.                                                                                                                                                                                   -About 4,000 Canadians per year die by suicide – an average of almost 11 suicides a day.                                                                                                                                                             -Worldwide, every 40 seconds, a person dies by suicide due to depression!

These are reasons enough to write; to write a blog, to write a book, to share my thoughts and experiences on my mental illness. My writing will not change the world, but it will help change my little part of the world. It will make me feel; I have done my part. I have done something!

Imagine, just imagine you woke up tomorrow morning and you felt nothing but helplessness, hopelessness and despair.  Well that’s what it’s like for us who suffer from a mental illness, especially those with depression.

I’m not a doctor, I’m not a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, none of these. But I am someone who suffered from a mental illness for all my life. This lifetime with mental illness has provided me with a vast knowledge and experience that I would never have learned in a book or gained otherwise; I know first hand. Before you stands the face of mental illness. No masks, no put-ons, no pretending; nothing but the truth. The shameful secret. the silent killer, a broken mind. Total transparency! I cannot cure you, I cannot fix you but I can assure you that ‘I GET IT’ and you are not alone.  Remember everybody’s story is different. This is mine!

I don’t remember not being on an anti depressant medication for my whole adult life. I was 16 years old (1980) when I had my first breakdown. But in 2012 I had a mental breakdown that deemed me non-functioning, a walking corpse, crippled and disabled; not confined to a wheelchair but equally disabled. A brain that shut down, a body that refused to move. During the next few years I tried every medication out there, every cocktail of drugs available to the medical field. Nothing was working; NOTHING! ECT – Electro convulsive therapy was my last hope of escaping this living hell. But much  to my dismay, it did not work. I now had lost all hope of ever getting better.

I kept pushing forward, I had so given up on life. I did not want to live, this illness had taken away my desire to live. This was not living, I was barely surviving. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. I fought with every ounce of strength I had in me to fight this beast I call mental illness. I eventually fought my way back to somewhat of a functioning level. I began to write and found this to be a great source of therapy. I began to blog. It was here you would find what was going on inside this broken mind. Each blog captured my thoughts right in the moment it was written; raw, true, transparent and painful. It was through these writings that I eventually created my book; Beyond The Door – A Journey Through A Lifetime Of Mental Illness.

It is through my writing, my artwork and my faith; that I have found a channel to survival. While I constantly struggle with my illness, I have hope that tomorrow will be a better day. I couldn’t always say that and there are still days when it’s hard to believe but everyday I strive to live and help educate others, break down walls of stigma that have for  years, made mental illness such a misunderstood and taboo illness. The shame associated with it, sadly keep many from seeking help. I hope to put a face to this illness and keep sharing my personal story to help others.

If this book (available at Amazon.ca) doesn’t give you a new perspective and break down some walls of stigma, then I have failed as an author. But I know this book will do even more! It will stir within you a desire to know more, more about this illness, more about this machine we call the mind!

 

Posted on

Imagine, Imagine, Imagine!

Imagine if you woke up tomorrow morning to a complete feeling of utter hopelessness, helplessness and despair. Imagine that no matter how hard you try to get out of this dark hole of despair something within your brain/mind keeps pulling you back into this black hole of helplessness and hopelessness. Every thought is an effort, every action feels like an impossibility; you feel totally disabled. Life is happening all around you and you feel like you are suspended in midair; just watching, having no control. This has been my mornings for the past few weeks or maybe I should say years.

When I feel the onset of these thoughts and feelings, I fear that they are an indication of a relapse of a breakdown. And this is something that cannot happen, if there’s something that I can do to deter a relapse of the magnitude of my past breakdowns, then I must do it! There is the danger that I could not survive another shutdown of my body and mind. In my past experiences with the treatment of my illness; I feel little hope. Especially being diagnosed; treatment resistant. My life since 2012, which was my last total breakdown (meaning, deemed non-functioning) has been a struggle everyday. Some days worse then others. But one thing I know for sure, although I am highly medicated, I still fight to have  an okay day.

Having a mental illness with no cure, is frightening in itself but realizing within myself that there is very little help in my case, certainly exacerbates my situation. It certainly leaves me feeling hopeless and helpless, and that’s how I’m feeling right now. And that’s  why I’m writing today: I feel there’s nothing else I can do, writing certainly helps me to express my feelings and thoughts, no matter how horrid and fearful. Sometimes I feel I’m writing a fictitious story about somebody else’s life but to my dismay, this is my own non fictitious life story.

Imagine you wake to another morning and your first plan of attack for survival is, self talk. Self talk has been a tool that I have used to bring me through many very dark days. Self talk is where you repeat a mantra, an affirmation over and over again in your mind. Hoping that eventually you can convince your brain that you are going to be okay. My mantra for this morning is, ‘It’s going to be okay, you are going to be okay’. I just hope I can convince myself of this and I really am going to be okay. I have to be okay, I just have to be okay!

Imagine that this is your life and you feel you are losing control of your health and your life as you know it. Imagine, Imagine, Imagine! What would you do?

Posted on

I Pressed On!

A very dear friend sent me this post today which says, ‘If you rearrange the letters in Depression, you’ll get ; “I Pressed On”. Little did she know how desperately I needed to be reminded of that; ‘Your current situation is NOT your final destination.’ And then in her own words she wrote; ‘You have been pressing on! The rewards for you are just up ahead! Hugs. I believe this was no coincidence but God’s reminder to me that I will make it through this storm.

It’s been several weeks now and I have been pressing on, but barely. My depression, like any other illness, sometimes gets the better of me and I get so scared that this time I’m not going to make it. That my strength, my fuel is going to run out and just like a car; I cannot run on an empty tank. And to describe it best, that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling; like I’m running on an empty tank. I have used up every ounce of strength, energy and will power that I have left. Today I awakened with panic, if you haven’t experienced what a panic attack is, then be thankful, very thankful. It paralyzes and disables every part of your body. But I know I can’t let it, so ‘I Press On’. I force my legs over the side of the bed and let my feet hit the floor. And the thoughts of facing another day of fighting this broken mind, so overwhelms me. Again I ask for God’s strength, wisdom and guidance for another day. And that He would be my fuel in my empty tank, that He would take the wheel of my life and steer me over the rough road ahead.

You see I have a disability; not a physical one that confines me to a wheelchair, like my darling Lauren, but a disability of my mind, a disability that confines me to my broken mind. Not trapped in a wheelchair but trapped inside my mind. A mind that is so fragile, that on the darkest days; I can only see sadness, hopelessness, helplessness and emptiness. But ‘I Press On’ and hope that tomorrow will be better.

Depression as become the epidemic of the century. The statistics speak for themselves. According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, 1 in 5 people in Canada will personally experience a mental illness. And according to the World Health Organization, more then 264 million people of all ages suffer from depression. Close to 800,000 people die due to suicide every year. With statistics such as these, the stigma that is associated with mental illness should be greatly affected and reduced. No one is exempt from having a mental illness, no more then someone is exempt from having cancer. So let’s respect, be nonjudgmental and be kind to all persons and may we realize that tomorrow we could be suffering a mental illness.

If you are suffering today from a mental illness, let me assure you that you are not alone. And that there are people out there who really do care and do want to help. I encourage you today to stand tall, with your head held high, we have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, we have an ILLNESS called DEPRESSION. So let’s rearrange those letters and lets say, “I PRESSED ON!” We can do this, you can do this! I believe in YOU!

Posted on

ASHAMED

It’s been weeks and I have written nothing. Not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. I couldn’t lift that pen and start letting my pain flow onto the paper. I was ashamed of how I was feeling, ashamed that my depression swept over me like constant grief. I was like someone grieving over death and my grief was not getting any easier. So rather then writing about my depression/grief, I tried to hide it on the inside. I had shared my illness in countless blogs before and here I  am years later and still struggling. I was ashamed, ashamed that I can’t beat this beast within my prisoned mind. But then I realized, that’s why I have to write, to enlighten those reading, just what living with depression is like. It’s not always something that is here today and gone tomorrow. No, mine as lasted a lifetime. A lifetime of fighting, a lifetime of being ashamed.

I have had moments when I thought that shame was gone, times when I felt I had nothing to be ashamed of. But depression is not that forgiving, it will remind me over and over again. It will remind me until it as me beaten down so far, that all I want to do is hide it and suffer in silence. Well, once again here I am, fighting back! Fighting back with the little bit of fight that I have left in me.

My very good friend reminded me of just how brave someone is, that is fighting a mental illness. It’s in the words of this poem by Lana Rafaela;

I Think It’s Brave

I think it’s brave that you get up

in the morning even if your soul is weary

and your bones ache for a rest.

I think it’s brave that you keep on living

even if you don’t know how to anymore.

I think it’s brave that you push

away the waves rolling in every day

and you decide to fight.

I know there are days when you

feel like giving up but I think it’s brave

that you never do.

But there are some moments when I do give up. Moments when I just can’t fight anymore. Moments when hidden away behind closed doors; I just loose it and cry out to God, ‘I just can’t do this anymore’. I guess in some way, God reaches down and pulls me to my feet and says, ‘Now go fight, I am with you.’ And I do!

It seems the headlines almost everyday is filled with issues pertaining to mental illness. One such headline I read recently stated, ‘Pastor and Mental Health Advocate Jarrid Wilson Dies by Suicide’. (Notice they didn’t say, ‘committed suicide’, committed implies you performed an illegal act, for instance; you commit murder). Jarrid suffered from depression and often posted on social media about his own battles with the mental illness. His wife posted on Instagram; ‘ No more pain, my Jerry, no more struggle. You are made complete and you are finally free’. Prior to his passing he wrote a post encouraging followers to remember that even though loving Jesus doesn’t cure illnesses such as depression, PTSD or anxiety, Jesus does offer companionship and comfort. He confides that he had dealt with ‘severe depression throughout most of his life and contemplated suicide on multiple occasions.’ In his summer blog post, Jarrid challenged the idea some Christians have that those who die by suicide are condemned to hell.’

I’m quoting from an article published by Christianity Today. ‘Christians wouldn’t tell someone with a physical illness like cancer they are going to hell because of their diagnosis, he noted. Neither should they assume it of people with mental illnesses, which can lead many people to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do if they didn’t struggle.’

“Those who say suicide automatically leads to hell obviously don’t understand the totality of mental health issues in today’s world, let alone understand the basic theology behind compassion and God’s all consuming grace,’ he said.

We must do better at educating people on things they have a hard time wrapping their heads around. And mental health is definitely a topic  Christians around the world must yearn to better understand.’ It’s then we will be less quick to judge and swifter to be the arms of Jesus, showing compassion and tenderness without prejudice.

I am so thankful for the gift that God as bestowed upon me to be a mental health advocate. Having a first hand experience with mental illness myself has given me the drive, the passion, the compassion, the determination to break down the walls of stigma and judgement that is still so prevalent in our world today. This gift as not come without its consequences, misconceptions, losses, misunderstandings, isolation and hurts. But I believe that’s what Jesus was referring to when He said, ‘If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me (Luke 9:23).’ To follow Jesus was going to cost us something; the cross was not going to be easy to carry. This was not going to be a road of ease, feel good or prosperity path.

And so today I am still struggling, I still hurt, I still feel pain, I still have days that I can’t go on but I do. And for those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about; I pray for God’s grace and healing for all of us. Let’s go on, we can do this!

Posted on

Let’s Talk Suicide

I just finished reading another heart wrenching story written by a Mom about her daughter who had died by suicide. Her Mom goes on to say (speaking of her daughter)  that in March 2017 she lost her battle with depression and died from suicide.

The stigma that society as placed on suicide is ridiculous. So much so that it steals from the grieving family the opportunity to grieve without prejudice, guilt or shame. And the deceased is looked upon in an undignified, judgemental and condescending manner. It’s sad, that even today we still use language like ‘committed suicide’ or ‘taking your own life’, as if it is an intentional, deliberate and rational process. If someone loses a 10 years battle with cancer, we talk about their bravery, their strength and how they were an inspiration to all around them. And they were certainly all of those things, I am not denying that. But people (myself included) with depression are fighting a constant battle as well. Some people lose their battle with depression and other mental illness through suicide. But the way in which Society views this person is the complete opposite of the way they would view someone with cancer or some other physical disease. They are looked upon as selfish, weak and highly stigmatized. It’s time for this ignorant way of thinking to end!

Someone suffering from a mental illness should be treated with the same dignity, pride, love, compassion and remembered as brave fighters, regardless of the circumstances of their death. Maybe you have not been introduced to the ‘death of shame’, but maybe if it hit close to home, to someone you loved, you would soon start to see suicide in a new light. I hope you never have to experience such  an horrific death but there are no exemptions. So the next time you are quick to pass judgement, may you think before you speak.  Someone who has fought a mental illness for too long and within their broken mind the only way they see to ‘fix it’ is through suicide. Relieving themselves and their families of this horrible burden of sorrow, shame and ugliness.

This blog is not based on my spiritual beliefs and I wish not to get into a religious debate. But is based on the right to die and be treated with dignity, no matter the cause. We were always taught to respect the dead. It’s about being treated humanely with no disrespect for anyone involved. But may we leave the ‘God Stuff”, up to God, it’s certainly not our place to judge; God has the last word! But may it be our responsibility to, love, to be compassionate and a shoulder to cry on. I want to be that person that is there for the hurting, the misjudged and for those suffering from a loss of a loved one by suicide. Or if you are that person that is contemplating suicide or just wishing you could die to end this unbearable pain, then I’m here for you too. I have been and still have those days just like that, so you are not alone; I’ve been there too.

I know I have nothing to be ashamed of because I have a mental illness. Yes, my brain is broken and tells me I’m a loser, I’m weak, I’m a good for nothing, etc. No different then if I was suffering from anorexia and my brain was telling me; I’m fat and ugly. None of which are true but when you have a ‘sick’ brain you cannot always control the way you think.

And that is why more needs to be done to find more effective ways to treat the brain and  then suicide wouldn’t need to be an option and hopelessness would be turned to hope and hope to life. But right now I believe our Mental Health System is failing us, one suicide at a time; at an alarming and frightening rate. Someone open your eyes! We are in the midst of a suicidal epidemic and very little is done. ‘Let’s Talk’ is great but ‘Let’s Do’!

Posted on

A Life Of Fighting

‘Desperate times cause for desperate measures’, that’s what the quote says anyway. Here I am at Robin’s, sitting alone, sipping a coffee and writing; like I was getting paid for it. I’m expecting the roof to blow off the building any minute, the wind is blowing so hard. I’m here trying to put my thoughts together but nothing seems to work. If I’m getting paid per word for what I’m writing, then my pay won’t be much today.

I’ve just experienced two horrible weeks of depression and nothing I do helps. When you are feeling depressed; ‘to do’ are the last two words in your vocabulary. You really feel totally disabled, not that you don’t want ‘to do’ something, you can’t do it. It’s like your body goes in shut down mode and you find it next to impossible to function. Nothing brings you joy, you feel numb but mostly you feel angry and guilty because you feel this way. I know it’s not my fault, this illness has captured my mind and as held me prisoner for most of my life.

Major depression is not a once in a lifetime occurrence or at least it hasn’t been for me. I guess I can compare it to a roller coaster, with many ups and downs; with the downs a lot lower then the highs of the ups. The scariest part of the ride is, you have no choice in when your ride will end and you can get off. Yes, you will experience times when your depression goes into remission as it were. You know it’s still there, but you can live life with a little more  ease. Those are the times when you have to enjoy life to it’s fullest because you don’t know how long this reprieve will last. And  then that disabling, crippling, ugly beast of depression returns in all it’s fury; that’s where I’ve been for the past few weeks. I call it a veil of sadness.

What happens to me during this period of time? I change! I find it difficult to laugh, but yet normally, I love to laugh. I love to make other people laugh; so much so that I started a YouTube channel called, ‘Walter on da line’ and it’s all about laughing. But when I’m in this pit of despair I cannot even play the part but yet I miss it so much. I’m hoping this cloud will soon lift and I can get back to playing my character, ‘Walter’, once again. Then, I didn’t go to church on Sunday, and I rarely miss. But I just could not go, I couldn’t be around large crowds, just too overwhelming. The darkness was starting to close in, the dark night of depression was creeping in. When this happens I find it really hard to see the sunshine, even when the sun is shining. I love bright sunny days but when depression strikes, the darkness hides the sunshine. I want to just run and hide. I ignore the phone, not that  I don’t want to talk to the other person but I just can’t. I just want to sleep and isolate; but I know if I do, depression will take over. So now I am becoming very frightened, scared and panic is setting in, I’m terrified that I’m relapsing, that I’m returning to that place I call hell. I can’t go there again, ever! I know now I have to see my doctor. I make my appointment.

The night before my doctor’s appointment, I sat down and tried to the best of my ability, to write what I thought he needed to hear, in order to help me.

Once inside his office, I sat and pulled out my letter of ‘confession’ and nervously let him hear what I was feeling. ‘My doctor appointment note’:

‘Lying in my restless bed last night, I turned over at least a thousand times. My appointment with my doctor this morning was enough to give anyone nightmares. I felt my life was on the line but how would I make him see that. And if he did, what good would it do, if any? Had my diagnosis been written in stone and this was my lot in life? Six months had gone by since my last appointment and here I was again, waiting impatiently in the waiting room.

What as happened in those six months that he would need to know and that I would need to tell him, in order for him to understand where I am today, in my somewhat mental health. I guess those pass six months have proven, I’m not suicidal because if I were, I would not be sitting in this chair today and he would have lost one of his many patients.

But how have I improved or declined since my last visit? Mental health isn’t as black or white as other physical illnesses and therefore much harder to explain and pinpoint. For me each day and everyday is a fight and a struggle to survive this war within. Some days very intense, others maybe not so intense, but a struggle none the less. It’s a fight to function, to move, to feel happiness, to perform. Some days I do fairly well, others not so well.

The last few weeks I have found myself spiraling downward into a deep hole of despair. Wanting to sleep more, to escape the pain. Longing just to feel okay. Not being afraid to face the day, just to know I can do this. But lots of my days I loose my fight, I run out of ammunition, there’s nothing left to fight with. I’m exhausted, tired, frustrated and lots of times hopelessness creeps in and tries to steal that little bit of ‘being’ that I have left. But I won’t let go, I hold on tight.

My pain becomes real through my tears. I have moments when I have to let them escape and let some of the pain go. Sometimes I think I feel healing in my tears. Some people may call that weakness but I call that strength. Keeping it all inside is weakness; not wanting or knowing what to do with the pain. Finding ways to cope, to heal, to be okay; is strength! On most days, that’s how I have functioned.

But the scary days come when you feel you are loosing control, when you are loosing your battle and you have no strength to fight back. That’s the scary days and that’s where I am today.’

I believe he heard me, he was listening. But I also believe that he knows that this is really what my life is, was and always will be. I will have good days and bad days, but I have to accept that that’s the way this illness works, much like any other illness, you have it and you just have to learn to live with it. Right now I feel really low but I have to believe that I will bounce back again. That the light will shine again, that the spark will come back into my eyes, my energy and drive will increase and life will be restored to my being.

I know what I have written is very personal and some would call private. But if I am going to be honest and expose this horrible disease for what it is, then I have to tell it like it is and hide nothing. Good days and bad days. If I have to sacrifice my own privacy to help others to see and feel this misunderstood, stigmatized and cruel disease, then I will do so.

Posted on

Living In A Well Of Sadness

Depression is known to affect 1 in 4 Canadians; an alarming statistic. And when you are the 1 included in that statistic doesn’t make you feel all that great. The other 3 in that statistic should feel fortunate and grateful that they are not included. It is not a place you would want to be. Living with clinical depression is like living in a well of sadness, a chronic feeling of bereavement that really never leaves you, there are days that are worse then others. No different really then someone living with a chronic physical pain; a constant yearning to just be free of the pain, just to experience that pain free moment when you could feel ‘normal’.

It’s unfortunate that we don’t get to decide if today is going to be okay or not. The constant battle to fight this unending war can sometimes find you irritated, exhausted and hopeless. Hopeless in the sense that you are not winning this war; no matter how hard you fight.

We are now living in that time of the year, what I call the ‘Season of Depression’. No, let me rephrase that and expose the ugly truth, ‘the Season of Suicide’. Why would I say something so alarming, it’s because it’s the truth. We are living in a Society where suicide as almost become a norm. So normal, that people rarely flinch anymore. Every week we can read headlines of some well known, high profile person (sad that its only those who make the headlines) end their life by suicide. Just today, January 19,2019, the headlines read, ‘..U.S figure skating champ, dead at 33’. His sister says, ‘ My wonderful, strong, amazing compassionate brother took his own life earlier today’. Just last week, my friend’s son took his own life. So very sad and no reasonable answers.

But for those family members left behind, may I say, ‘there’s no one to blame, no one to get angry at, there was nothing you missed or didn’t do’. This was a means to end the never ending torment and pain of the mind, a place to find peace, everlasting peace and to release everyone involved of the constant turmoil that this illness inflicts on all concerned.

Why am I speaking out about suicide? Why should I care?  What has suicide got to do with me? I want to talk about suicide because it is an illness, something goes terribly wrong in your thinking process where the only reasonable answer to your pain and the pain you have inflicted on your family, is to end your life. They do it for you and to find peace for themselves, to end the war that is raging from within.

We as a Society have the responsibility to end the stigma of mental illness and suicide. Let’s stop talking about it behind closed doors and let’s make it a public health concern. It’s then maybe something will be done about it. We have to stop using the word; ‘commit suicide’. Someone commits murder, someone commits rape; suicide is NOT a criminal concern. We have to change the way we look at suicide and realize that 90% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable and treatable mental illness at their time of death. We have to make this information and treatment available to everyone. I believe our Province of NL is far behind in this area and need to be held responsible and  accountable for why there is not more done. Especially when it comes to availability of in-hospital treatment and modern facilities and therapies. We need to give those who are suffering the option that there is hope.

I need to speak out about suicide because I have seen into the minds and thoughts of someone who is struggling to stay alive. I will not lie, I will tell you like it is; depression as driven me many times in my life to a place where I just did not want to live. The value of my life was brought down to worthless. I was drowning in a well of sadness. But I sought professional and spiritual help and to this day I am still here. A life that is very fragile, uncertain and unpredictable. Not unlike any other chronic illness, we have to take it one day at a time and live a life that is very cautious. And by that I mean; knowing my limits, being aware of my triggers, knowing when to say no and paying attention to my body and mind.

I know this is not a pleasant read, nor is living with a mental illness. By exposing myself in a transparent way is sometimes the only way for my readers to get a better understanding of this illness and also to help others who are living in this well of sadness. I won’t pretend that this is an easy road that I’ve travelled but by sharing doesn’t mean I’m weak but quite the contrary, it shows my strength. And you have that same strength within you, don’t give up, hope is just around the corner.

After Thought: I realize that my writings will never win me any popularity contest, no Academy Award, no Nobel Prize, quite the contrary. People will probably stigmatize me, disrespect me, judge me and condemn me. But my purpose in writing is to educate, tell it like it is, no more swiping it under the rug, speak the truth; holding nothing back. To help others and be a voice for those who suffer in silence. If my transparency can help just one person, provide a new way of looking at mental illness and break down the walls of stigma. Then I have succeeded in accomplishing what I sat out to do.