Tag: story

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“Our Story”

This blog  is taken from a speech I presented at Church just recently. I told my story there before entitled, A Broken Mind, which can still be found on our website at www.harrislisa72.com. But this blog isn’t just about me, it’s about my family; Lisa, Logan and Lauren. A family that is struggling and at times broken but I want to share with you the power of the human spirit to overcome any adversity with the help of God and a determination to never quit, never give up on hope. I have to make clear that this is not a onetime fix but a daily, conscious effort that requires a strength that is far beyond all human comprehension.

John 16:33                                                                                                                                                   I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. IN THIS WORLD YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Our lives as been anything but trouble free, we have had more then our share of trials and tribulations. The storms of our lives have been many, there have been times when our ship was barely above water, we were sinking but I believe we were not in that ship alone. And that is why we are still riding out the storm. The storms may have beaten us down, exhausted us and at times left us for dead. But its these experiences and life altering traumas that have forced us to put our total dependence on God. For what we have experienced, are experiencing and what we are going to experience, we have to trust in the God of the impossible, the God that cannot fail, the God who has a plan for our lives; a plan we may not see at the moment.

I speak as a realist, not a pessimist. One thing I want to be is totally honest, totally real. I cannot say to you that we don’t question, doubt and have moments when we feel like we are somewhere wandering in the wilderness. But  we realize if we are going to survive this storm of life, we will have to put our trust and hope in the resurrected Christ. The Christ who died and rose again and today is seated at the right hand of the Father making intercession for us, what an amazing promise! That is what gives me hope, that is what gives us the strength to go on.

Let me just elaborate for a few moments on our not so ‘normal life’; by society’s standards. We don’t portray the perfect ‘facebook’, ‘cookie cutter life’. Let me take you back to my father’s death, my first real traumatic experience. He was a man of God, a man of faith and wisdom. Life certainly wasn’t always easy but he trusted God that tomorrow was going to be better, he never lost faith. When all nine children and Mom were gathered around his bed, he said before his passing that what truly mattered was right here in this room; his family and God; nothing else mattered when it came to material things. And right now I believe Dad is just ‘Gone Home’. He taught me what was important in life and what truly mattered in the end.

After  some months after his passing, Lisa and I had time to think and ponder over our own lives. After been married for eleven years with no children we thought about what Dad taught us on his deathbed and maybe we should have children too; just not nine! So the fun began, before long we were pregnant, although the doctors told Lisa she wasn’t. But Lisa knew she was; a Mother’s intuition. We decided to take a little vacation to the Dominican Republic. This trip would turn out to be one of the most traumatic experiences of our life. To make a long story short; while on the plane returning home, Lisa felt sick and decided to go back to the washroom on the plane. She never returned to her seat again, it ended with Lisa unconscious on the floor of the plane. Barely a pulse and turning blue; Lisa was dying. Once the plane landed, Lisa was rushed by ambulance to the nearest hospital, where we learned Lisa was hemorrhaging from an ectopic pregnancy and was taken for emergency surgery, where we lost our baby, Lisa lost  80% of her blood volume and was minutes from dying. This was the beginning of the storms of ‘our’ lives.

It was a long and traumatic journey back to real life. For months we grieved the loss of our baby in silence. We still so desperately wanted to have a baby but were told that would be impossible. But we never gave up, to fast forward; we went to Calgary for IVF; invetro fertilization and to defy all odds and with God’s intervention we were pregnant and seven months later we had a handsome baby boy who we named Logan. He was the joy of our lives.

But then when Logan was around a year old, I began to have severe symptoms of depression and anxiety. And that was where my story began and I was given a life altering diagnosis, that left me both mentally and physically disabled. And since that time until now I have struggled and still struggling to regain my life back. Then in the midst of all this trauma, we were miraculously blessed with a baby girl. She was certainly a light in the darkness; sunshine in the midst of all the rain. But then on her first birthday Lauren was diagnosed with spastic guadriplegia cerebral palsy- a life altering diagnosis for all of us. Our world fell apart. Trying to describe CP and what that involves is much like trying to describe my own diagnosis; both very complex and complicated. And to try and explain what either is, is impossible unless you experience it for yourself.

We were forced to make major life changes and had to move to Bay Roberts. And the storms have never ended, there’s been and will always be some unforseen battle and that is the reality. But in order to survive such traumatic and life changing experiences we have had to place our trust in God and believe that He is in the storm with us, He is in our ship and we will not sink. The minute we take our eyes off Him, it’s then we’ll sink. There are places I’ve seen His hand at work; in spite of all the trauma, trials and tribulations, there are so many miracles that present itself in our lives: 1. Our marriage as survived, struggling but surviving. Statistics show that majority of marriages don’t survive when faced with the ordeals that we have encountered. 2. The miracle that Lauren was conceived in the first place, when we were told it would be impossible for us to get pregnant on our own. 3. That Logan was fertilized in a petri dish and was viable to be implanted within Lisa’s womb and was successful; is not only amazing but a miracle. 4. That I can stand behind this pulpit, when I was in the acute stage of my illness I could barely stand at all. 5. That Lisa was capable of carrying a baby after the trauma she had experienced when we lost our first baby. So, I just want to say, ‘thank you Lord, for your blessings on us’.

Many times when discouragement knocks on our heart’s door and we find it difficult to see the light of day; we have to remind ourselves of God’s faithfulness. I don’t portray to be ‘Christian of the Year’ but I do say, ‘I’m a sinner saved by grace, so unworthy of the blood’. But yet He died for unworthy me, thank you just isn’t enough, His mercy rewrote my life. For without Calvary I would not be where I am today. So all the Glory belongs to Him. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

 

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Guest Speaker, Mental Health and Wellness Exhibit

Recently I was asked to be guest speaker at a “Mental Health and Wellness Exhibit”, presented by; Safety On The Rock and The Splash Center. Of course I accepted and the response was astounding. Helping others with mental illness through education, talking about it and being proactive. This is an excerpt from that speech.

My story is just that; my story. I cannot speak for others but this is my experience with mental illness. And I do not profess to have all the answers, just a lot of insight. Everyone’s experience is different. So I speak for myself, this is my journey….

I suffered from mental illness all my life. My first mental breakdown was when I was only sixteen years old, I am now fifty two. Back then you were said to have ‘bad nerves’ and you went into seclusion and lived in shame. Nobody really knew how to deal with this illness or if it even was an illness. Not even the medical field, especially living in outport Newfoundland. I was taken to the doctor only to be told there was nothing they could do because they did not prescribe antidepressants to teenagers. So I was sent home to fight this battle, this monster, all by myself and fight I did. I felt so helpless, hopeless and alone.

I fought this battlefield of the mind until I was able to be prescribed medication and I found they worked for me fairly well. From that time on, until five years ago, I have always been on one drug or another and lived a fairly normal, functioning life. I owned and operated my own business for 28 years. So you can have a mental illness and still remain high functioning, we just have to work a little harder at being okay.

But five years ago I experienced the worse relapse of my life. It was this relapse that totally rendered me non functioning and totally disabled. I experienced a total shut down of my brain and physical body. I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder. My symptoms were so severe that I was closely monitored for dementia. I was not responding to any treatments including cocktails of antidepressants, hospitalization, ECT electro convulsive therapy and anything that would help improvement. It was confirmed that I was treatment resistant and I was loosing hope and getting worse.

Because of my illness and being unemployed, we lost everything we had and had to move to Bay Roberts to be closer to family for support. With all the change that  had taken place in my life; it only exasperated my illness to a point where I hit rock bottom, I could not go down any further. Nothing left but flesh and bones, no will to live, I just wanted to die. That was about two years ago now and I have fought to get to where I am today. I am doing much better, I still struggle everyday but not to the extent that I was.

Mental illness is one of the most misunderstood, complicated, shameful, stigmatized and complex illnesses of all times. The brain is the most complex organ of the body, thus the most difficult to treat. Even today there is still so much that is not known about the brain and its many disorders. Dr. Mario Garrett Ph.D stated in Psychology Today, “Our brain is the most complex machine that ever existed.”

According to the World Health Organization, ‘350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. It is a leading cause of disability”. Every year close to 800,000 people take their own life. Which is one person every 40 seconds. Mental Health is in a crisis and its time for us to open our eyes and start talking about this epidemic. Not just talk but let’s “do” something about it.

Its my opinion that Newfoundland and Labrador is so far behind the rest of the world in treating mental illness. When we come to a point when the only alternative for treatment is “out of province” then there’s something wrong. And also I would like to say here that one of the most effective ways to tear down the walls of stigma is to literally rid this Province of the most stigmatized building in Newfoundland and Labrador, that being, The Waterford Hospital. The building screams stigma; often referred to has the loonie bin, the nut house, the mental etc. The building is so old and dilapidated, that it’s walls have a ghostly aura. The question I ask you today is; if your child’s school was in such a dilapidated condition; would you send your child there? Then I ask you why would you send your loved one to such an horrible and disgusting environment has the Waterford. It’s time for the Government to turn it’s attention to one of the most important and neglected issues facing our province today.

I hold the Government responsible for lack of treatment, support and availability of humane facilities. What we need is a new hospital that gives us hope; without hope we will never heal. We need a hospital with an environment that says, “Welcome, you are safe here, we are going to give you the help and support that you deserve”. Is that what the Waterford Hospital offers? NO! Right now every mentally ill patient is cramped into an overcrowded room or wing. When what is needed for someone dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc.; is to be placed on wings or rooms of the hospital that are less anxiety provoking; where patients are dealing with the same or similar issues. And other severe mental illnesses placed in a safe environment for them, based on the severity of their illness, not on wherever a bed is available. It doesn’t make sense herding all illnesses/disorders onto the same ward. You wouldn’t put a cardiac patient on a maternity ward, so why would you put someone with depression on a psychosis ward?  Your diagnosis should determine where you are placed in the hospital. So with my experience has a mentally ill patient, I have seen and undergone many demeaning, frightening and inhumane situations.

I have since become an advocate for mental illness. It’s my goal to break down the walls of stigma one person at a time. And to be a voice for those who suffer in silence. We have nothing to be ashamed of. I have a broken mind, no different then if I had diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, kidney failure, etc. Things go wrong with any organ in your body and your brain is no different. It’s just the way society looks at this illness in a negative and stigmatized way but a lot of that has to do with lack of education and ignorance of not knowing. And the only way to break down the walls of stigma is through education and speaking out. And that’s why I’m here today. If I could give you my illness for just one moment; you would look at mental illness in an whole new light. And the walls of stigma would come down.

I believe we have been too quiet for too long. So let’s start talking!

There is hope! Never give up! You can beat this one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Now let’s get out there and break down some walls!