Tag: sadness

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What Others Can’t See

This isn’t the way it was suppose to be. This isn’t what I had anticipated my life to be today. This wasn’t the plan; so far from what I had thought. Never did I think my mental illness would be so controlling, so disabling, so crippling. I awake and wonder, ‘how am I going to do this again?’ My eyes just opened and I’m in panic mode already, exhausted and my day as not even begun. My inner voice calls out to God, ‘Okay God, let’s do this because if you don’t, I can’t.’ So I throw my feet over the bed and hope for the best. Hope that just maybe, this might be a good day, a better day.

This is exactly how someone who is struggling with chronic depression feels; it doesn’t go away. Even on a good day it’s still lurking in the shadows of your subconscious mind.

It’s a beautiful Fall Saturday morning. The leaves on the trees have just started to fade to the most vibrant, radiant colors that Fall brings. I think to myself; a beautiful day to harvest the small but abundant vegetable garden we had planted in early spring. A day to reap the benefits of our labor. Time to get my hands dirty with the soil of Mother Earth, rather then covered in paint from my time of splattering different mediums on an artist canvas. So today is going to be a good day, if good intentions, fight and drive have anything to do with it. But deep inside I know the difference; for this chronic depressed soul would have to endure that unending feeling of sadness, hopelessness, fear of surviving another day and the question, ‘Would I survive another?’ Fatigue was already scratching at my minds door; trying to get in.

I had to franticly remind myself of what I had planned to do today and nothing was going to stop me. So I had to push aside those thoughts and remind the kids and Lisa that it was harvest time. Time to get those potatoes and carrots especially, out of the ground. And so we start digging, everyone in awe of what we had accomplished and what was coming out of the ground would be our winter supply of vegetables; I don’t think so! It wouldn’t be long before we’d be headed to the nearest produce department of our local grocery store. But I guess it wasn’t  all about the quantity but the fun we had in the process. The kids just loved it and that made me happy, no matter what my brain was telling me. Our cameras (iPhones) clicked multiple pictures of our first family harvest; it was an hit! And we had the proof; the pictures we had captured. Looking at the pictures, you could not buy the more perfect ‘Fall Family Harvest.’

But does a picture always tell a thousand words? In this case, no! For hidden behind my farmer façade; deep down inside my mind, was an hurting, painful, struggling, faltering soul. Wanting nothing more then to be at peace, just to enjoy what I was doing in the moment. But no, it was still there; hidden behind the pictures, the camera could not see or capture the war within.

Just recently I read an article by Awareness Act, called; ’15 Habits of People With Concealed Depression.’ I thoroughly related to many of these habits and find myself practicing them even today. Although I blog and talk openly about my depression; I don’t go around with DEPRESSION written on my forehead for all to see. No, when I am in public I have mastered the art of concealing my depression. People may look at me and think, ‘Wow, what I wouldn’t give to have his life.’ Everything may look great on the outside but on the inside I could be dying. Fighting a war that never seems to end.

I would just like to elaborate on a few of these ‘habits’ that relate to ‘my’ depression. One of these would be; ‘people with concealed depression are often quite talented and very expressive.’ I’m quoting, ‘These people are able to bring something beautiful out of the darkness that consumes them.’ And every day that as been my goal, through my writing and painting; is to bring something beautiful out of all this suffering and darkness.

Secondly, ‘They tend to search for purpose.’ My life is filled with searching; there as to be a reason and a purpose for all this hidden depression that lies deep within, it cannot all be in vain. And I believe it as opened a door whereby I can be an advocate for mental illness. And because I have personally suffered with this horrible illness for all my life, I have gained knowledge, experience and a compassion that I would have never received had I not suffered from depression, anxiety and panic attacks myself. It is my belief that the only people that truly understand and ‘get it’, are those who have suffered this illness themselves.

Thirdly, in order to feel better or to try to have a ‘good’ day requires a lot of effort; it doesn’t just come naturally, unlike most people. Every day that I put my feet over the bed, to get up in the morning, requires effort and fight. But I do it!

People suffering from depression learn to fake moods. They will often come across as happy and ‘normal’ on the outside because they don’t want to bring others down. So we fake it!

And lastly I’d like to elaborate on the fact that we have trouble shutting off our brains, they are constantly in motion; much like an hamster on a spinning wheel, always moving but going no where. Sometimes I wish I had an on/off switch but that’s not the way it is. Learning to slow down my thoughts and to stay in the moment is one of the best practices I have found to find a little relief. And due to this constant turmoil; it leaves you with unending fatigue, mentally drained, irritable and a shortness of patience. Mental fatigue can some days just leave you lifeless.

Robin Williams, well known actor and comedian, was a man who suffered immensely with concealed depression. He was one of my favorite actors and never in a million years would I have thought that he suffered from depression. But the façade awarded him many awards in his industry and the picture he painted certainly wasn’t a one of darkness and depression.

So, a picture doesn’t always tell a thousand words. Many times what we cannot see is much greater then what we can see. So never judge a book by it’s cover; for hidden in the pages lie the many hurts, the pain and the sadness of depression. Sometimes what others can’t see, is what hurts the most. So if you are hurting today, and you are suffering alone and in silence; know this, you are not alone. If you have no one to talk to, I am here, I understand, I care, I love you! Feel free to private message me, I may not have the answers but I ‘get it’.

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The Truth, The Whole Truth…

No matter how much I tell myself, ‘You’re going to be okay’, my brain tells me, ‘You are not okay’.  ‘There is no escape from how you feel, how much can I fight before I give up? That weight of emptiness and sadness creeps in and devours any hope of conquering this monster.

I am so ashamed of how I feel, I can’t tell anyone. Telling someone would bring it to  life and I just want to hide it. The shame cloaks me in it’s ugly coat. Why should I feel this way? Shame on me! I aught to be able to rise above it. But today it’s claws have me in it’s ugly clutches and I can’t move. I panic, I can’t breathe. The air is too thick to fill my lungs, I gasp and gasp. I remember, slow down your breathing; you can do this, you’ve done this a million times before. But today feels like I’ve experienced it for the very first time. Just as scary, just as frightening and the feeling of being all alone.

‘But you were doing so well’, you might say, really I’ve never been doing ‘so well’. I’ve been doing okay. I want to be doing ‘so well’, oh how I pray to be well again. Will that day ever come again? Some days are a little better then others, some okay, some not so okay. Today, definitely not a good day. I have to beat this, so much depends on me, no one else can do this for me; I have to do this myself and that’s the scary part. Living this life, with a broken mind. I have put so many pieces back together but some pieces just keep falling apart.

I hide, I can’t let people see the real me; they would run and never look back. They wouldn’t like this part of me; but I tell myself that it is only a part of me, it’s not who I am. There is more to me, a lot more, I have so much to offer but my sick, tormented mind tells me otherwise. The funny me, isn’t here today, I’ve gone and can’t find me. Sadness as drowned and  held me under water but I have to resurface, my oxygen is running out, I’m going to drown. Kick, push, you can do this; you can resurface. Your funny self will come back. I hope.

This is just a glimpse into the life of a bad day for someone with a mental illness. So be kind to everyone you meet today because you really can’t tell from their outward appearance, what inward battles they are fighting this moment. Never judge a book by it’s cover, because the pages within can tell an whole different story.

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My 8 Symptoms of Clinical Depression and Major Anxiety

I just recently published a blog entitled; ‘My Will To Live’. This was a blog about one of the most serious symptoms of Depression and that being, it takes away your will to live. And sad to say, for many this can lead to suicide. This symptom gradually eats away at your will, your desire to live. The pain of living is too overwhelming. But as sufferers and I’m speaking for myself, we have to find a way to overpower our thinking and realize that life is worth living. Dealing with this symptom alone is enough to kill the spirit of the strongest person on earth. But along with this symptom comes many more. I would just like to elaborate on some of these symptoms and give you my own personal experience and the way in which I dealt with each symptom. I hope this can help you on your journey of hope through this hellish illness.

Another symptom that I struggled with is; trouble concentrating, remembering details, memory loss, making decisions and loosing train of thought. When I  was at the worse stage of my illness, I could not read a book, watch television or work on my computer because I could not concentrate long enough to focus on what it was I was reading or watching. My memory was minimal, especially around the time I was having  ECT  treatments. I have large blocks of my life that I don’t remember and I still struggle today with my memory. And connected to memory loss would be loosing my train of thought. I could be in the middle of a conversation and not remember what I was talking about. So today I cannot trust to my memory, if I need to remember something, I have to write it down. This can be very scary when you cannot trust your own brain.

Fatigue was and is a symptom that plagued my life. I had zero energy, my fuel tank was running on empty. You knew you had to do something, like go for a walk, but you had no idea how you were going to get the strength to do it. So I started with baby steps, I didn’t start by running a marathon. I started by doing a five minute walk, now at the time that seemed impossible but I had to start somewhere and I gradually worked my way up. I remember lying on the sofa and Logan pulling on my finger to play with him. There was nothing I wanted to do more but there were times when my mind and body just could not do it. Today I still fight fatigue but not to the extent that I did then.

Then there were the feelings (and they were real)  of worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness. I had no self worth, no hope of escaping this hell, no personality, no self confidence and no way of helping myself back to ‘myself’. I existed as a physical being and nothing else. These symptoms dragged me down to death’s door but thankfully that door didn’t open. I still struggle with these feelings but I realize that’s what they are; feelings. And today I realize these feelings cannot hurt me and I can, with God’s help, rise above them.

Most people dealing with major depression find they either sleep too much or they cannot sleep at all or very little. I think I suffered with both . When I was very acute I slept what seemed to be always. But then I went through a stage where I could not sleep at all and I believe this was due to my anxiety being so high. Either way, neither were very pleasant to deal with. Today I sleep fairly well with the aid of prescribed  medication, which I would not want to be without.

Another bothersome symptom is you either overeat or appetite loss. Therefore you either gain a lot of weight or you loose a lot of weight. For me I loss my appetite completely. I would sit at the table and look at my plate and wonder how am I ever going to eat that. But I knew if I were going to improve, I had to eat, so I would force myself to do so. After months, my appetite did return. But during my time of appetite loss, I was a walking corpse; skin over bones. But thank God today I even have a ‘pop belly’. And I will never complain over that. Just thankful that I now can eat.

One very common symptom with depression is an overwhelming sense of sadness. And because of being sad, you have the uncontrollable desire to be very emotional and crying frequently. And lots of times you didn’t even know why you were crying. But I believe there was healing in my tears, they helped to express the way I was really feeling.

A symptom that was very evident in me was , I loss all interest in everything. The things I loved to do, I now had absolutely no interest in doing anymore. One example and it’s also a symptom is I did not want to socialize anymore. I felt all alone in a crowded room of family and friends. I would prefer to isolate, which is very common in major depression. But I knew I could not do this for an extended period of time. If I were going to improve; I had to be around people. Even today I struggle with gatherings, large crowds but I am doing so much better.

The list of symptoms can go on but those are the ones that probably dominated my illness. I also suffered panic attacks but I believe that was an illness all on it’s own rather then a symptom. And it would require a blog of it’s own (so stay tuned for that blog). I hope in some way I have helped you to understand what someone, dealing with major depression, is going through. And for those who are living with a mental illness, I hope you realize that these symptoms will lessen as you start to improve and life will get better. But remember it does take time, so don’t give up on hope, you can live through this; we’ll do it together!