Tag: relaspe

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My Greatest Fear

Just to show you how unpredictable that Major Depression can be; it was only last week I wrote a blog that would  ‘almost’ give you the impression that my depression and anxiety was pretty much under control. But the last few days the haunting, ugliness of this illness have overpowered my will to survive.

I have experienced a constant feeling of ‘grief’ as it were. Not wanting to talk to anyone, and that had nothing to do with them, but all to do with me; I didn’t want to talk, afraid I would express how I was truly feeling. Therefore I would rather not talk at all, so I didn’t. I isolated and slept every chance I could get, to escape the uncontrollable symptoms that were starting to flood my mind with fear. Fear that I was sinking, fear that I was loosing control of myself, fear of just wanting this constant torment to end.

So tired of this ever recurring nightmare called depression. When will this ever end? Ever? The little task that come so natural and easy for everyone else to do, are so difficult for me. Just making my bed requires self-talk, unloading the dishwasher; so simple but yet so hard. And yet here I am struggling with the littlest tasks but yet facing the greatest challenges of my life. Challenges that I won’t get into but are not just the everyday challenges that everyone has to face on a day to day bases. Much bigger then that and those I try to entrust to my Heavenly Father, who is much bigger and stronger then anything I could do. And live in hope that He’s going to take care of things for me, when I can’t do it myself.

I think when I start having ‘not so good’ days, I become a little anxious or fearful that I’m going to relapse or spiral into a not so nice place; an ugly place where I don’t want to visit anymore. I read a book recently, that was written by an American author, who suffers from bipolar disorder but was doing well with various treatments and medication. And she felt that if she did relapse, she wasn’t overly fearful because there was ‘so much help out there’. Ironic, because my greatest fear of a relapse is knowing the lack of help that is out there. I have used every form of therapy and medication that is available in NL. My trust and faith in ‘OUR’  Mental Health Care System in NL is at a minimal. I cannot say, ‘there is so much help out there’, because I honestly don’t feel that way.

There are new treatments and medications that are available out of Province but are not available here in NL. If these were available to me, I would most certainly participate in availing of these. One promising medication for depression is ketamine. Increasingly, this dissociative anethetic is being examined as a potential treatment in depression cases where other drugs have failed. Sounds hopeful and promising to me, especially since I was diagnosed as treatment resistant. Researchers have called it the most exciting breakthrough in the field of depression research in the past half-century. Some other non-medication therapies (I won’t elaborate on each one but they are treatments that are available outside the Province) transcranial direct current stimulation, repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation, vagus nerve stimulation and deep brain stimulation. But none of these are available to me. And when you feel so hopeless and exhausted from fighting; you would try anything to make the pain go away. Any improvement would be better then none at all. If I lived in an area where these treatments were offered, I’m sure I would avail of them. At least they would give you some hope, some relief because living in NL, I cannot say like the American author that ‘there is so much help out there’. If it’s here, I can’t find it!

So where does that leave me? I have to work with what I have, with what’s available and hope for the best. The best being that I will never relapse to the acute stage of my illness ever again. But there are some days that are so bad, I fear that I could be headed that way. And the best I can do is hope and pray that God will look down on me and in His mercy and grace, He won’t let that happen again. So basically, I pray, trust His promises and fight with all I have, to not let it happen. Sometimes I wonder, do I have to wait until this life is over to escape my pain and suffering. I hope not. I was reminded  of this verse in Revelations 21:4 “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, no crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away”.

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Relapse Prevention

Depression like addiction is an ongoing  chronic condition that is subject to repeated episodes. My first episode was when I was only sixteen , I remember very little about this time. I do remember I spent most of my time asleep and could not function. Totally shut down. I also remember going to the doctor and have him send me home with no help whatsoever. He just said, “there is no medications available for teenagers or youth. There was no help, I had to sink or swim and I was sinking fast; drowning in my own despair!

Recovery from depression is not a one time event, it is an ongoing process. Getting out of depression happens in two stages; 1. You have to get out of hell, 2. You have to stay out of hell. The best way to prevent a relapse is to closely monitor your own feelings and mood.

The beginning stage of a relapse is disruption of sleep, appetite change, more tired, worrying, apathetic, etc. Being aware of these early signs and nipping them in the bud, before they escalate into something worse is a must.

The second stage of a relapse is called “beginning of a crisis” when things are shutting down. When symptoms are interfering with your everyday  functioning. Reach out for support; call your doctor, your therapist  or anyone you know that can help you through this. This stage is my greatest fear because you feel like you are loosing control again. And you are heading back to that ugly place where you never want to go again. This stage doesn’t necessarily mean that’s where you’re headed. It’s your body and mind saying, “you come first, take care of yourself”. Before you ever get to stage three you need to be proactive.

This is stage three where you don’t want to be ever again. But if you do, don’t loose hope! You will get through this; you’ve done this before.  This is where you can’t function anymore, you become disabled; a full blown relapse. It’s here you may need to go back in the hospital. Or have someone  to take care of you at home. But you will pull through this again. Just don’t give up the fight,never loose hope.

Throughout my lifetime I have had many second stage relapses or episodes as I would call them. Where I became very depressed and required  medical attention. A visit to my doctor usually to tweek my medication and in a few months I’m doing fairly well again. Most of those times I am still at a functioning level. I ran my own business for about 28 years. Take a few days off,here and there, and do a lot of self-talk, family and friends support and pray.

My last episode was a full blown relapse where I was hospitalized, various treatments, medications and a period of time when I didn’t want to fight anymore; I just wanted to die. It as taken me four years to crawl out of this abyss. To say the least this as been a battlefield of the mind. I have fought with every ounce of strength I have.

These pass few days have been very fearful for me; it’s my greatest fear in life that I would relapse. I’ve been doing fairly well for the last few months. But this week as been rough, I am feeling more emotional than usual, uneasy, a feeling that you know inside that something is just not right. You have to push yourself more than usual.  I’m hoping that it’s a trigger that I’m facing and not a full blown relapse. You see our dog, Brady, passed away a few days ago and maybe what  I’m feeling is grief and loneliness. He was not “just” a dog, he was a part of our family for twelve years. So I pray to God, in all His mercy, that He will not put me through a relapse ever again. And that I will overcome this battle once again! Maybe this is just a bump in the road.