Tag: relapse

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MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, MY HELL

This is the written copy of my presentation I did at the CBS Salvation Army Church on Sunday, May 5, 2024.

My name is Harris Tucker and I have a mental illness! Yes I said it, I have a mental illness. It’s a topic that is seldom talked about. For many reasons; it is highly stigmatized, very much misunderstood, discriminatory, ignorance as in not knowing, shameful and isolating. So therefore people with mental illness, suffer in silence. But I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide; I have an illness, it’s that simple. No need to be stigmatized, no need to be misunderstood, no room for prejudice, no need to feel alone. This is why I have and I will talk about my illness with openness, transparency and truth; hiding nothing.

 

My advocacy for mental illness can be found on my website at: www.harrislisa72.com, where I frequently blog my journey. And also my book; Beyond The Door, My Journey Through A Lifetime of Mental Illness. It’s through both of these avenues that I have shared my story, my diagnosis, my life and my experience with, “Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder”.

 

I would like to read to you, ‘A Note From The Author’, contained in my book backgrounder:

“Beyond the Door” is a book like none other you will ever read. It leads you through my lifetime with mental illness, and a relapse that rendered me nothing less then a walking corpse; a body without a mind. After several years of medical help, I finally fought my way back to a somewhat functioning level. I began to write and found this to be a great source of therapy. I began to blog.It was here you would find what was going on inside this broken mind. Each blog captured my thoughts right in the moment it was written; raw, true, transparent and painful. Nothing was hidden, nothing! If this book doesn’t give you a new perspective and break down some walls of stigma, then I have failed as an author. But I know this book will do even more. It will stir within you a desire to know more – more about this illness, more about this machine we call the mind!

My book is available tonight in the foyer or online at: Amazon, Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, Book Depository and Amazon Kindle.

 

Let me begin by saying, I am not a doctor,psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist; nor am I a professional in the field of psychiatry. What I am, is someone who has suffered from a mental illness all my life. My struggle with mental health began when I was just a child. I didn’t know then, but what I was struggling with was a mental illness. My lifetime with mental illness has provided me with a vast knowledge, and hands on life experience, that I would have never learned or gained otherwise; I had lived it and still do to this day. And so, I am someone who ‘gets it’; I understand, I’ve been there. I have survived this horrific disease and I am willing to share my journey with you. To help you better understand this illness, to educate, and by doing so, to tear down the walls of stigma that surround it.

 

The brain is said to be one of the most complex organs of the body and the disorders associated with it are equally as complex. And that is why mental illness is so misunderstood and so stigmatized. It certainly ‘is not’ a choice as some may think. The medical field and the scientific community have yet to come to a universal agreement on the nature and cause of depression. But the general consensus is that depression is a medical condition, an illness; not a personal failure, a weakness or a spiritual battle, as many may still think today.

 

Let me explain in a nutshell what I have come to understand about my illness. Our brain chemicals, or neurotransmitters, are not at the levels they should be to maintain good mental health. The neurotransmitters, that affect how we feel, are serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine. When our brain is producing too much, or not enough, of these chemicals then our mental well being is greatly affected and thus, we suffer depression and other mental disorders. A great comparison to help us understand this disorder is to compare it to diabetes. When a person suffers from diabetes, it often means that their pancreas is not producing enough insulin to regulate their blood sugar levels, and therefore, have to take insulin to regulate normal sugar levels. Likewise, someone suffering from depression may need to take medication, such as SSRIs, to increase serotonin levels in the brain. When we are educated to what a mental illness is, then it leaves no room for stigmatization or misunderstanding. It is what it is; an illness!

 

Before I share my personal journey with my own mental illness, let me share with you some very alarming statistics, according to Global Mental Health Statistics.

  1. 970 million people around the world struggle with some form of mental illness.
  2. 1 in 4 people will be affected by a mental illness at some point in their lives. So please do not think you will never be affected, or someone you love. Its much like saying, you will never get cancer. No one is exempt! And because you are a Christian doesn’t mean you can’t suffer from depression and other mental disorders.
  3. Approximately 8 million deaths each year are attributed to mental disorders.
  4. More than 700,000 people die due to suicide every year worldwide.

 

Now let’s bring that home to Canada.

According to the Canadian Mental Health Association:

  1. Mental illness indirectly affects ALL Canadians at some time; either through their own experience, or that of a family member, friend or colleague.
  2. 1 in 5 people in Canada will personally experience a mental health problem or illness.
  3. Every year, approximately 4500 people in Canada die by suicide, which is equivalent to 12 people dying by suicide every day.
  4. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth and young adults between 15-34 years of age.

 

In our own province of NL suicide numbers are up by 25% in 2021, according to numbers from the province’s Chief Medical Exhaminer. NL suicide rates have tripled since the 1980’s, among the highest in Canada.

Sad to say, but the suicide rate is increasing every day and will continue to increase. One alarming fact about mental illness is that many turn to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain; this only adds to the problem; it does not solve it. And this, in turn, only exacerbates the drug and alcohol crisis that we are facing today.

 

And I Begin….

MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, MY HELL

My whole life has been plagued with a mental illness.I cannot remember, in my adult life, not being prescribed an antidepressant medication. You see, I experienced my first mental breakdown when I was just sixteen years of age. At that time there was no help, medication was not approved for anyone under the age of 18. So, I was sent home by my doctor to battle this monster, and survive was all I could do. I wasn’t living, I was existing, I was surviving. This continued until I was eighteen and then I was prescribed antidepressants which helped to bring me back to a functioning level. Medication does work; it may not be a cure, but it surely helped me to navigate through life. The years that lay ahead were not easy years, but I did live a high functioning life and operated my own business for 28 years. I basically lived a fairly normal life, while struggling with depression and anxiety but both were managed by medication, and kept me fairly well.

 

I went on to marry the love of my life, Lisa. And then 13 years later, we were blessed with our little boy, Logan. However, this didn’t mean my illness was gone. In 2012, when Logan was one year old, I experienced a mental breakdown like I had never experienced before. I was so mentally ill, my depression and anxiety was so severe, that I physically shut down. And this is what I want to emphasize; that depression is not just about being sad, anxiety is not just about being anxious.Mental illness affects every area of your life – both mentally and physically. I feel sometimes we have the tendency to minimize the extreme seriousness of this illness. When in fact this illness is the only illness known to man that one of it’s symptoms has the ability to take away your will to live. No other illness as that power! So if you remember nothing else I said tonight, please remember that!

 

At the acute stage of my illness I became totally non-functioning. I had a disability; not a physical one where I was confined to a wheelchair, but a mental one, locked inside my head.I don’t remember much about those days. I had lost a lot of my memory, to a point where I was monitored for dementia. Tasks that once came so easily were now impossible to do. I couldn’t use a cell phone; a computer was a foreign object, something that I feared. I would stand at the kitchen sink and not know how to wash the dishes. In fact, it got so bad, at one point, that I didn’t know how to zipper my coat. Lisa described me as a ‘walking corpse’; a mind in constant torment. THIS IS MENTAL ILLNESS!!

 

Many times, I felt there was no hope, no help and no way back; just a black hole. The medical profession had tried everything possible, from: cocktails of medication to electro convulsive therapy. Up to this point, I was deemed treatment resistant, as nothing was working! When someone reaches this point, and I was there, totally hopeless and ‘unable to reason’, that many often feel that the only way to end the pain, and free their love ones of their burden, is to hope for peace through suicide. It is not our place to judge, for only God has that right and only God knows our hearts, our innermost thoughts. Thankfully, I was never suicidal; borderline, yes. I’ve had many days, when I was so sick, that I just wanted to die, to escape this hellish existence. I prayed to God to let me die. I know of one occasion when Pastor White came to visit, and he told me after the fact, that when he left my house on this particular day; he said, ‘If God did not intervene, then next week I will be performing Harris’s funeral!’ But that wasn’t God’s plan for me! I’m still here!

 

Even in my despair, God continued to bless us. Our precious Lauren was born amid all this chaos and turmoil, only to be diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy on the day of her first birthday. You talk about the bottom falling out of our already shattered world. Again we were faced with yet another life-altering diagnosis. God, where are you? God, why? So many questions, so few answers. This is where my faith had to come into play, but at times, my faith was very small. Every day brought new challenges, as in my weakness, I tried to help strengthen our little girl and be a good Daddy to both Logan and Lauren. All day, everyday, I pushed myself to the limit. Normal everyday tasks, that came naturally to others, seemed insurmountable to me. But, I would not give up, so fight I did!

 

And, to this day I still struggle through every day; maybe not at the intensity of which I did but, I still struggle. We must realize that our brain is no different than any other organ in our body. I am no different than someone with diabetes hypertension, liver disease, heart disease, etc. Things can go wrong with the brain, just like something can go wrong with the heart. Miraculously, I have come so far, but my battle is far from over. I speak for all those who struggle with this disease. I intend to speak for those who don’t have a voice, as well as those who have succumbed to their battle with this illness. Every morning, I have to pray and ask God to see me through the day and , thankfully, He has been faithful!

 

When you suffer from a mental illness it is so easy to lose hope; in fact, to become totally hopeless, to be engulfed by darkness. So how can we help as a Church? What is our responsibility as a born again Christian? It certainly isn’t to pretend that mental illness doesn’t exist. Jesus has called us to be ‘Our Brother’s Keeper’, to be the Good Samaritan to someone else in need; to that someone that is struggling today.

 

We live in a hurting world, a world that’s filled with so much hate. A world that’s searching for something to fill that void, that emptiness. I have come to realize that, that space within us cannot be filled with anything that this world can offer; its empty lies.The only answer is a spiritual one, a supernatural power, that can only be found in Jesus and Jesus alone! We cannot do this on our own. I would never have been able to survive this battlefield of the mind, if it weren’t for my personal relationship with Jesus Christ!He understood me when no one else did. John 10:10 says, I am come that you may have life and have it more abundantly’. 2 Kings 20:5 ‘I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears’. I’ll be completely honest; I won’t give you false hope. I won’t tell you to bring it to Jesus and all your hurts, pain, sickness will go away. He can make that happen, but sometimes that’s not part of His plan; it’s not His will. What He does promise, is that no matter what, He will never leave us. Hebrews 13:5 ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’He will walk with us and, at times, He will carry us. Isaiah 43:2 states it so clearly, ‘When you pass through the waters (and you will), I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned.’ And that is how I have endured the flames that mental illness has brought into my life. I have always known that He was with me; I may not have always felt He was with me, but I knew beyond a doubt that He was and is with me! Because of this, I can say, with confidence, that He will do the same for you! There is HOPE!

 

What is your story?

 

 

 

 

 

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A Relapse?

When I finished writing my book; my story did not end there, my struggle with depression and anxiety continued. I still continue to blog my journey at www.harrislisa72.com. I write as therapy for myself, a means of helping others who struggle and also a way of challenging those who may not understand this illness. This blog will take us down the road of the last few months of my painful and frightening journey.

A relapse? Oh no, that cannot happen and will not happen, I won’t let it happen. Weeks have gone by and I’ve really struggled; I mean REALLY struggled. To make a traumatic experience even more traumatic; I now experience something I feared for years now, that would be panic attacks. They are so frightening, making you feel you are losing ‘it’, you are losing control, your body temperature rises, you break out in body sweats, you panic; really panic…. you cannot breathe. You want to run! But run where?  I have learned so much over the years about panic attacks, that I thought I had them under control but I was wrong. Here I was in a full blown panic attack, how could this be happening? After all, didn’t my medication have this horrific symptom of depression and anxiety under control? Now I was really afraid, afraid of returning to an hell I knew I would never survive again.

Life was tough as it were, every day a struggle, every day a challenge. Nothing came easy and I was fighting for my life as it were. I certainly didn’t need anything else to make it even harder. My mornings became my nightmares, I dreaded for my eyes to open, given my present state I didn’t know how I was going to make it through another day. But I knew I had to, there were people depending on me, especially my two children; who became my will to live. Consumed by my depression, anxiety and now once again my panic attacks. I have to survive, somehow.

My nights have become my reprieve, it seemed a cloud would lift once evening came and darkness settled in.  I felt if I made it past daylight then I had survived another day. I longed for bedtime, for I knew sleep would help me escape this never ending battlefield of my mind.

So how do I survive? I have to believe I will get well; I done this before and I will do it again. Please God! You have to talk to someone, don’t suffer in silence, so I tell Lisa (my wife) what’s going on. Then it’s back to my psychiatrist who increased my effexor from 300mg to 375mg and just hope that this increase is going to work, now it’s a waiting game. But while I wait it doesn’t end there, I visit my family doctor who orders bloodwork to make sure there’s nothing physically wrong that can cause these symptoms. Next its finding a good therapist, which I did, and now starts the cognitive behavioral therapy once again. Has scary as all this is for me I know I have to keep moving forward, being gentle on myself and taking baby steps. To help my progress I also go for a 30minute walk, I do a lot of self talk, self affirmation and just believe I’m going to be okay.

This journey has been anything but easy. I have to believe there is a higher power that is going to walk this journey with me because there is nothing that feels any worse then feeling you are alone. With my family support, medical support and spiritual support; I WILL SURVIVE!

 

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2020; A Year We Would Not Soon Forget

January 20, 2017 was my first post to my blog; www.harrislisa72.com. Life & Times Of  “The Tuckers”. ‘Living with severe depression and anxiety. Raising a child with cerebral palsy. The ups and downs of life; the rain and the sunshine’. A form of therapy that brought me through many very dark days. And here I am, January 2, 2021; posting again. Never in my life did I think this blog would last for years and would eventually be published into a book. And may I go further and say, books (two at the least). I can always dream; dreams do come true. This, I feel, will be a cause to pause from writing about my illness. As therapeutic as blogging has been for me, it has also been exhausting and draining; I’ve been misunderstood, stigmatized, traumatized and ridiculed. But that came with no surprise to me; it’s what having a mental illness does to a person. But I still had to write the truth, no matter what. What was meant to start out as therapy for myself, also became a means to help others, through my own experiences with a mental illness. I learned that, much like everything in life, we cannot change the world; nor did I think I could. But I did think I could help one person at a time. And if that meant putting my heart and soul into my writing (raw & honest) then I was willing to do so.  If it meant helping someone else, to save one life, then I was successful in what I set out to do.

In 2012, I had my last relapse, and was told by my doctor that I would not be going back to work; if ever. And here I am in 2021, still fighting my disabling, crippling, tormenting illness; an illness that has left me fighting for that one ‘good day’. But inside this physical body a war is still raging against my mental health. Over the past few years, life has introduced many triggers, many uphill climbs, many times when I just had to crawl. But I fight with what I have and there are times when that may not be much. But I fight!

When I look back over the past year, and wonder how I survived, I really am in awe that I am doing as well as I am. The year was filled with much sadness, loss, sickness, discouragement and I could go on, but what amazes me the most, is that we are still fighting; fighting against all odds.

When Lauren was diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy in 2014, we knew we were going to encounter many challenges and obstacles; but we had no idea just how many; it was one thing after another, there was no end. We were told, when she was around one year old, that her vision was affected, they just couldn’t tell us just how much she was seeing. Being the naïve parents we were, we just  thought,  when she gets a little older she’ll just need glasses and that’ll take care of her vision. We were so wrong again.  When she was referred to the CNIB (Canadian National Institute for the Blind), we were literary in shock. We realized then that Lauren’s vision was not going to be corrected with a pair of glasses. My God, how were we going to get through this? How were we going to accept this? Sometimes you just don’t have a choice. Then she was referred to APSEA (Atlantic Provinces Education Authority) in March 2020. Their findings were what led to her being diagnosed with CVI (Cortical Visual Impairment). This has more to do with how the brain is interpreting what the eye is seeing. There is no cure per se. With intervention, improvement is possible, but not a lot of hope, in my opinion.

The year, 2020, began with Lisa’s surgery on March 16. This surgery was supposedly a routine surgery that would only require an overnight stay in the hospital. However, due to complications resulting from the surgery, Lisa was rushed back into the OR for emergency , life-saving surgery on March 17. This surgery resulted in  her being put in ICU on a ventilator, fighting for her life.

And if that weren’t  bad enough, the hospital was now on lockdown due to the worldwide pandemic of the Covid19 virus. Lisa had to experience this all alone because there were no visitors allowed in the hospital;  not even her distraught husband. You talk about an hell on earth, and that was exactly what we were experiencing. Lisa stayed in the hospital for eight days. Once released, we thought we were on the road to recovery; so we thought. To make a long story short, within five months Lisa was back in the hospital from August 23- September 3, due to more complications from that first surgery back in March 16, 2020; a nightmare for us all, especially our two children, Logan & Lauren.

Then, once Lisa was back home and settled in again, she had to find the courage to tell me that my sweet niece, Tonya, had suddenly passed away. Shock, grief and bereavement totally shot me down! The feeling of disbelief consumed my mind. How could this be? She was so young! Our whole family was lost in a sea of grief. A part of all of us was missing; that piece of your heart that you hold close to you, had now gone to Heaven.

It seemed like the year could not get any worse, but the pandemic was sweeping the world! Schools were closed for the remainder of the school year. Lisa was pretty much out of commission; what was supposed to initially be a six week recovery period, ended up to be a full year for recovery. And, here we were with a child that had CP, requiring 24/7 care; care that we had to provide on our own.  All the while, we continued to try to give our nine year old little boy as normal a life as possible.  In spite of it all, he was a trooper and we are so proud of him.

I had to believe that God was in the midst of all this chaos, because this was something we could not handle in our human strength. I prayed for God’s strength, comfort and protection to make it through these most trying times. He was and is faithful!                                                                                                                         

 

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Guilty

I feel guilty, guilty that I feel sad, empty, useless, lost…. I could go on and on. When will this ever end? Will my tears ever stop from flowing? I’m usually the one trying to encourage someone else through this horrible, never ending (it seems) illness of depression. But today I need someone to encourage me and tell me it’s going to be okay and that I will get through this again.

As I write, tears stain my paper, I try to stop them but they won’t stop. The fear overpowers any thoughts that I may have. It awakens me from my sleep and panic starts to creep in. I tell myself it’s going to be okay, that I’m okay; but the fear tells me that maybe I’m relapsing. But I know I cannot let that happen; but how do I stop it from happening? For someone who has this disorder, it’s like saying I’m going to stop myself from getting cancer. Yes there are things we can do to help prevent both illnesses but we cannot stop it from happening. But I have to stop it! I/we will not survive another relapse. This illness can destroy anything in it’s path. Just like a raging forest fire; it can consume anything in it’s path.

I’m trying desperately to stay out of it’s path. To find a way to safety and refuge. It’s so hard to try and talk about how I am feeling. The words that would fall from my lips are not words you want to share. Words you just want to hide and never have to speak. But sometimes I just have to talk, to write, to blog; or if not, I would explode and drown in my own despair.

I’m wanting so desperately not to have to fight anymore. Why can’t I just ‘be’? I’m tired of fighting, tired of having to be what the world expects me to be. When in reality the last few days have been brutal, when behind my curtain of shame and guilt, I’m not feeling like the life of the party.

Why now? Why does it feel like I’m lost in a sea of desperation? Maybe I do have a lot on my plate; triggers that awaken my sleeping monster of depression. Overwhelmed by life itself but I have to be strong, be happy, be alive. When in reality, I feel depression as killed my spirit. Is there hope that my spirit can be revived? Can I resuscitate my deflated spirit? I must, I will, I shall!

Is it possible to rebuild and restore my broken spirit? It seems today is a day of questions but I need answers. I have to believe they will come. Maybe there are some questions that have no answers. Because they are questions, I guess doesn’t necessarily mean that they have answers. Maybe tomorrow will come with a renewed spirit, a mended broken heart, a new lease on life. There has to be a breakthrough, there just has to be!

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty because I’m having a bad few days. If I had any other illness, would I feel guilty? Why is it that mental illness is associated with so much guilt, shame and embarrassment?  I’m hurting and in pain; and for that I will not apologize. I just live in hope that tomorrow will be better.

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A Day In The Life of My Mental Illness

 

 

 

 

 

I am so sick and tired of mental illness! I hate it! And I’m sure you must be tired of reading about my mental illness. Why do I do this? Why do I feel the need to blog? Why can’t someone else who’s probably a better writer, more qualified, more gifted, take up the torch. This week as been rough (what else is new lol); I took up my pen several times to write something. But there was nothing, I felt numb, blank, empty, nothing left to give, nothing left to share. The battle with my illness had left me powerless and speechless. I had nothing left to share that could possibly help someone else, I felt I needed someone to help me.

You see when you have been given a diagnoses such has mine, it is something that’s not going away; there is no cure. Just like cancer (and I am not comparing, they are two totally different illnesses) but in some ways they are alike. My ‘cancer’ as killed and destroyed who I am, it eats away at your soul, your self, your being and your will. It leaves you with the haunting fear of a relapse.

So this past week as awakened my somewhat sleeping monster. Before my eyes are opened to face the day; my mind is busy with crippling nightmares. Nightmares of being on a locked down unit on an hospital ward, not a prison ward. A prisoner not a patient. I will forever be traumatized by those evil days of hospitalization. Traumatized by the reality of knowing that I am treatment resistant and I have exhausted all available treatments. My dreams will not let me forget this mesmerizing reality. Then there’s the memories (of what memory I have left of that time) of ECT. In my dreams I’m awakened before the treatment is complete and I’m strapped to the bed and no one will free me. Then morning comes and I realize I’m safe, safe from my dreams but never safe from my reality.

I have to take control of my thoughts as soon as my eyes are open, if not, they could easily spiral out of control to a point of being extremely overwhelmed and panic could easily take over. But thankfully I am still able, to some extent, control my own thoughts. With a mental illness there are not just the mental symptoms but also the physical symptoms. There are times when panic attacks (and thankfully right now are pretty much under control) but I still experience related symptoms such as an extreme rise in body temperature and feelings of mild fear and panic. It’s my goal to keep them from escalating into a full blown panic attack; which I never want to experience again. So I start my day as if every things okay.

All day, every day, my physical body feels triple it’s weight, there’s an heaviness that never goes away. It may fluctuate but never leaves. Then there’s the rising tides of emotion that you just want to cry. Most times you don’t even know why; you just do.  Then you don’t  want to start because if you do, it just won’t stop. But sometimes I believe your emotions can be used for your good; a form of release. To admit this makes me feel weak but the truth is; God gave us emotions for a reason. Many times in the Bible, Jesus is recorded as being emotional; ‘Jesus wept.’ If Jesus can cry, and He’s the Son of God; then so can I. Because someone doesn’t shed tears, doesn’t make them any stronger then someone who does ( but if the truth were known; everyone cries). I remember my Dad being a very emotional man, especially when he talked of spiritual things and the faithfulness of God. And because of that I respect him, and admire his compassion for others; he had a big heart that made him a very strong, wise and gentle man. I hope to be just half the man he was, he left me with a great legacy that I hope I will live up to and make him proud. And when we meet again, I hope he can look at me and say, ‘See, I told you, you could do it’. But right now, today, I feel I can’t do it. But I will, somehow find my way.

By the time half my day is done; fatigue sets in, not just tired but exhausted. I fight it as long as I can but there are times when I just give in and have no choice but take a nap. And of course that makes me feel guilty, I’m not suppose to sleep in the middle of the day. But sometimes I just have to listen to my body and rest.

It’s my prayer everyday to just be able to have a day when I feel free and not be held captive by my mind. To just enjoy life, my wife and children without being dictated by my mind of what I can or cannot do. I get angry, angry at myself, angry at not being able to rid myself of this illness. I just want to live, not just to survive.

Not everyone who has a mental illness experience what I am experiencing. Every person is different and their journey may not be at all comparable to mine. If you are reading this and you experience a mental illness (mine being Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder), I hope that you cannot relate to what I am saying because I would not want to wish this on my worse enemy (I hope I have no enemies). I may be treatment resistant but that doesn’t mean that you are or will be. I pray that you will respond to your treatment successfully and are able to live a normal, functioning life. And although I may not be responding well to treatment, I am responding to a certain extent; just not to the point where I would like to be. But I will not give up hope, I will fight to the end!

 

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My Outlook On Life After My Last Severe Relapse Of A Total Mental Breakdown.

How has my traumatic experience affected my overall perception of life? It has certainly changed it in a more positive way. I now look at life has being a gift each day because at any moment our lives can change without any notice. A life altering traumatic experience can change our lives forever or death can come knocking on our door; we are not meant to live forever, that’s life. After experiencing  both traumas; I now perceive life to be something that is totally out of our control. It’s a day by day experience that we should never take for granted.

Having survived my worse nightmare, when I really thought I was never going to make it; but I did. I am totally thankful , grateful, and amazed at where I am today. I am now at a more functioning level to a point, stronger and very insightful.

I am also very aware of the pain that this illness can inflict on a person. It’s a pain that is so overwhelming and intense, that you feel well never end. You think there is no light left but  gradually the light comes back on and life once again can become a little brighter.Sunny days start to become sunny again, because when you are at the acute stage of your illness, all you see is the fog. It’s not a weakness but a painful illness. I now live in the moment; not in the past, nor in the future. The past is over and done with and we are not promised tomorrow, only today.

I am now a champion fighter for mental health, I’m not saying I have all the answers and I’m definitely not saying I’m cured but I now am an advocate for mental health and mental ill persons. Without having gone through this traumatic illness I would never have been able to do what I do today. So in some ways I am thankful (a very big price to pay) but when someone says, they are depressed, suffering from anxiety, living in darkness, not wanting to live anymore; I can honestly say, ‘I can relate’. I know what you are going through, you are not alone! It took me five years to be able to say I am thankful for what I went through and there are still some days that I am not thankful. Days when I am reminded of all I’ve lost that being; relationships, materialism, confidence, self-worth, my purpose, time, memories. Now it’s all about finding my new normal.

Do I like my new normal, to be honest and truthful; not really.  I didn’t choose to move from a place I called home and was quite content; St.John’s. I didn’t choose to give up my profession. I didn’t choose much of anything, my illness dictated it. I certainly didn’t choose to put my family; especially my wife and two children through this trauma. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be living in Bay Roberts (not that there’s anything wrong with it). I was quite content right where I was. But gradually now , with time, patience, a shift in thinking; I’m doing okay and becoming more content.

I will never be the person I was before my breakdown, but that doesn’t mean my life is over. I am so filled with gratitude to where God has brought me; He really does have a sense of humour (I don’t always think it’s funny lol). But I am so glad and thankful that He brought me out of the pit of despair.

My perception of life has certainly changed. I certainly won’t ever take life for granted and I will always believe there is an higher power. There has to be; there’s more to life then ‘this’. We were never meant to walk this journey of life alone, even from creation God was present. This is one battle that you/I cannot fight alone. You have to search for that power/strength within you, that being God. We ourselves work in the natural  but with God we work in the supernatural.

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Writer’s Block

I think I have writer’s block! But I decided it’s time to write anyway. I’m sure has I start writing, I’ll have lots to share. I think I’ll answer some questions I have roaming around in my head and update you on what’s happening and how I’m progressing on this journey of mine. To say the least it’s been a roller coaster ride and not the fun kind.

Why do I blog, why do I invest in my time to write and what’s a blog anyway? A blog is really the publishing of one’s thoughts, activities and happenings on the internet. Much like journalling but journalling is for personal viewing only; a private writing of your thoughts into a book rather than on the internet. Blogging and journally are both a very effective form of therapy for individuals that need an outlet to release your thoughts and feelings. Whether that be a private journal or a public blog. My doctor recommended I start journalling a long time ago. I did that for a while but then I realized I wanted to share my journey with others and in the process may help others who are walking this same road. So here I am sharing my life with you.

I guess it’s time for a little update on my progress or regression, whatever it might be. A few weeks ago it felt like regression but in reality I cannot honestly say that I am where I would like to be. After five years, I still struggle every day. My nightsleeps are always interrupted with thoughts of panic and fear. Mornings are still a ‘fight for my life’ battle from within my head. I manage with a lot of self-talk, mindfulness (being in the moment) and being aware of my breathing.

A few weeks ago I became very tired, frustrated and discouraged; I was sick of being sick! So I thought I’d take matters into my own hands and take action before this escalated any further. It is one of my greatest fears that my ugly illness will show itself in all of it’s fury once again and I cannot let that happen. I’M AFRAID I WOULD NEVER SURVIVE ANOTHER RELAPSE OF THIS MAGNITUDE EVER AGAIN. So immediately I called my psychiatrist office, expecting to get in immediately (silly me). I certainly would not have called if I had thought this was not an urgent matter. The earliest, the secretary said, “is September 28th” which is my original appointment anyway. So I said in hopelessness and urgency to put me on a wait list; so far….no call!

Coincidentally I had an appointment made with my family doctor for the following day. When I visited him I told him of my issue with my psychiatrist. My doctor, sensing my desperation, assured me he could help. I was, at the time, on 187.5mg of effexor. He thought he should increase by 37.5mg until I reached a maximum of 300mg. I left feeling much encouraged and with an hope that an increase would help. I have now reached my 300mg dose for each day. Now I’m living in hopes that this dosage is going to improve my condition and I’ll feel better. But all in time. So now I wait. AGAIN!

But on the other hand, I am doing so much better than I have in the past. I now have longer periods of time when I feel the sunshine. Days when “hope springs eternal”, meaning; “it is human nature to always find fresh cause for optimism”. So for that I am so grateful and thankful. And pray to God that I will never go back to that cold, dark, ugly place that once I was. All we have to do is hang in there (that’s not easy to do) and never give up.