Tag: recovering

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This Recovering Mental Illness

J                                                       The day is almost over, night settles in bringing with it it’s darkness. But the day was a beautiful day filled with sunshine and bitter coldness. The week itself felt like the Battle of Armageddon. Along with all the everyday battles and struggles, my war was raging on the inside. I’m not referring to a spiritual war; evil against good, but a war between sad and happy, abnormal and normal, unfulfilled and fulfilled, worthless and worthy, hopeless and hopeful. Where do I stop, when will it stop?

When my doctor told me, almost six years ago, that I had an incurable illness, a long uphill climb and the likelihood of returning to work was a long  way down the road. I thought he was nuts (no pun intended). He told me to apply for Canada Pension Disability. Why would I need to do that, I’ll be better in a couple of months? I guess I have to swallow my pride once again and  admit that he was right and I was way off base. Because after the week that I just endured, I realize this ugly disease still ravishes my mind and body and can attack at any moment; even after six years.

Trying to accept the reality of what is, overwhelms me like a raging tsunami. I feel like the Israelites who wandered in  the desert for forty years and not unlike the Israelites, I probably do my share of questioning, grumbling and complaining. Why God have you brought me into this desert to die? I am still searching for that purpose, that reason why I am where I am at this stage in my life. This is so far from my plans (our plans). I would have never said in a million years.

But who am I? Why not me? There are no respect of persons. It rains on the just and the unjust. I just feel there are holes in my umbrella and I’m soaking wet. I long for the rain to hold up and the sun to break through the clouds. His grace is sufficient for me, or is it? There are days I have my doubts but that’s not His fault. This road sure isn’t perfectly straight and flat but many are the twists, turns and pot holes. I just pray everyday that He’ll guide us over this road of life and one day will bring us safely to our destination.

I guess after suffering and fighting this illness for so long, when I still have bad days or weeks; still makes me nervous. I should be better by now, is my wishful thinking. But my illness was very serious and therefore more complex the recovery and that doesn’t happen overnight. I was hoping by now that my recovery would be more advanced, that I would be further along on my healing journey. But I have no control over what will be, I only hope for the best.

 

 

 

 

 

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“Some” Days (Not All) Just Suck!

  1. Have you ever dragged yourself out of bed, put your feet to the floor and think; can I do this again today? I have, lots of mornings, not that my life is so bad but mentally and physically tired and drained that I just don’t know if I can. But then I give myself my little pep talk and start my routine all over again. And then being thankful at the same time that I can get out of bed. What I wouldn’t give for my little girl to be able to get out of bed and walk, now that puts things into perspective. There’s no wonder my head is spinning out of control. Yet here I am trying to make sense of it all.

 

Let me just give you a sense of where I am. To begin with, I have this amazing disorder. O yes, I know I have come a long way but guess what, I still have this illness. I have to get up every morning and even in my sleep, in my dreams; this illness still haunts me. But I move, refocus and redirect my thoughts. I am still amazed at the number of people who still don’t understand or probably don’t even want to understand this illness. They look at me and say, “o, you’re better now?” I wish I could say ‘yes’ but for some of us who suffer this misunderstood disease, this doesn’t go away ( Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder). We don’t get up one morning and say, “O, I’m better”. I have , so thankfully, improved to a point where I now can manage this illness much better.  So now it’s all about management and keeping the momentum going. It seems I cannot let my guard down for a moment. Having structure and routine in my day is probably one of the best ways I have found to manage my illness. Does this all make sense? Not at all, everyday is a new day and with each day comes new obstacles, challenges, hopes and highs and lows.

 

I play the part very well, I can’t  always wear my heart on my sleeve. For one thing, we live in a “me society” where people only portray the “best life ever syndrome”. Where they have two faces; one for public viewing and the other for private viewing. I’ve also noticed on Facebook; people have a tendency to paint their life has a perfect picture. But in reality, that’s not always the case. You know me by now, say it like it is; some days just suck! I can get up and have the best intentions of having the best day ever, then before the day is over my intentions are long gone. But of course I never give up, tomorrow is going to be better!

 

To best explain what I’m trying to say, it’s best compare it to an alcoholic or a drug addict. An alcoholic will never say I’m recovered but I’m a recovering alcoholic; you are never totally recovered. Has with a drug addict; you are never a recovered addict but you are a recovering addict. Meaning it’s a continuous process, one day at a time. You learn to manage your illness/addiction,the same is to be said for my illness, “I will always be recovering.” One of the best ways to understand my mental illness and it’s recovery is to compare it to diabetes. A diabetic has to maintain, control and manage their blood sugar levels, in the same way I have to maintain, control and manage my mental health. I have learned how to manage my illness rather then always trying to cure it; there is no cure. That’s not to sound hopeless or pessimistic but to be real and truthful.  I believe my healing began when I gave up trying to find a cure but rather accepting my illness for what it is; a recurring, relapsing condition that I have to manage with medical  help, self-help and spiritual help.

 

So if you’re there and thinking to yourself, “I can’t do this anymore.” I’m here to tell you, “Yes you can.” Every day won’t suck, you will (and I do) have good days again. We just have to work a little harder than others who don’t have this illness, at being okay. When I had my last relapse; I honestly thought I would never see the light of day again. But today I do see the light, some days are going to be a little foggy but we can get through them. So chin up, shoulders back, you can do this!