I sit in my office desperately trying to catch my thoughts as they race around my head in a halo of madness. Fighting this war of the mind seems like there is no end. Suffering from clinical depression and major anxiety has left me in survival mode, trying to make sense of my broken mind; and yes, it’s broken. It took me a long time to come to this realization, that it’s okay, I’m not a lunatic, I’m just ill. On days that I’m feeling I’m losing this fight, to remind myself that I need to be kind to myself. Just as I would if I had a physical illness because at it’s most fundamental, depression is a physical illness. It’s an illness that affects an organ of my body called the brain and it’s ability to work properly, just as diabetes is a problem with the organ of the body that we call the pancreas. And when I look at it in that light, it makes me feel more ‘normal’ and my depression is an illness; not a character flaw or a personal defect.
My heart goes out to all those who are suffering from this horrible illness. Especially those who have little or no support and those who are suffering in silence who are ashamed to tell someone, in fear that they would be looked upon as weak. This is not an illness of weakness but of constant torment that physically drains your body to a point of exhaustion. So let’s stop looking at ourselves has weak and realize we are strong and courageous because if we weren’t, we would never survive.
I know this illness steals from us the mere glimmer of hope, light and joy; the fundamental aspects of what life is made of. If we lose hope, we are left with nothing, if we cannot see the light we are left in darkness and if we lose our joy, we will drown in sadness. Today I want to encourage those who are walking this road of discouragement caused by depression and anxiety that there is hope, there is light, there is joy…. there as to be!
And lastly I would like to leave you with this prayer by Saint Francis called; “Peace Prayer Of Saint Francis”. It is my prayer too, may it be the prayer of all our hearts;
Lord, make me an instrument of peace :
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I
may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
AMEN.
I have to write, there’s so many thoughts going through my head; I have to write, to escape, to free my mind. It’s that time of the year when “all is merry and bright”. The media portrays it’s the most magical, loving, and giving time of the year. And it could be to some extent. A time when family are all united, past hurts forgotten and love flows like milk and honey. Is this the reality or wishful thinking; an unattainable expectation? A fantasy land!
