Tag: Mind

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War of the Mind

It’s been months now since I have written a blog, July 25,2020 to be exact (www.harrislisa72.com). I just felt there was nothing else to say. Not sure if that meant I had written all I needed to write about mental illness or if my illness had built a roadblock in my mind. A wall that I could not break through, maybe more the latter.

I became a prisoner in my own mind. So many things that I found enjoyment in, things that were not just  hobbies for me but life saving therapy. I wanted so desperately to engage in again but I could not, although I yearned within me to be able. But I just could not. I felt myself spiralling down that dark hole of depression. But I knew I had to rescue myself from that crippling, disabling hole of  despair. But how? It felt that my thought process could not function to come up with a plan. I couldn’t write anymore, words could  not describe what I was  feeling. The one thing that brought me some healing therapy, I felt I couldn’t do anymore; blogging! And thus months went by and I didn’t blog my thoughts. I was frozen in time; speechless.

Everything seemed so overwhelming again. The things in reality that were so small to perform, now seemed like a mountain, a mountain I felt I just could not climb. Days went by and I fought to make each one matter. Some  days I did better then others. I was in survival mode. And survive I did, in spite of what my broken mind was telling me.

Many associate mental illness with weakness but I have learned over the years that people with a mental illness are some of the strongest people I know. I am strong (if I  weren’t, I would never survive this hellish disease of the mind) but I am tired. I’m tired of fighting just to be okay, something maybe that others know nothing about. But I know there are others out there that know and feel exactly what I’m saying.

We live in a world where we are expected to be happy and positive all the time. If we show our true self, our true feelings, then we are viewed as being different and strange. And of course this is where stigma, prejudice and discrimination comes in. But it’s perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared or anxious. Having these feelings doesn’t make you a ‘negative person’. It makes you human. So I guess I’m human after all because I have certainly dealt with all these feelings. Being depressed doesn’t mean you are negative, it means you are not okay, your ‘happy’ is just not there.

I won’t lie to you and tell you life is easy, it’s not. And when you have a mental illness, everything in life is intensified to the extreme. Just going to the grocery store requires so much mental energy, you have to push yourself out the door. Your mind is telling you; you can’t do this. But you know you have to because if you surrender to your thoughts then your illness will consume you. And you eventually would become ‘paralyzed’ and be forever controlled by your thoughts.

So let’s fight this battle together, we are not alone. You can do this, I can do this. Do I always win this war of the mind, of course not, I’m human. There are days when I have no choice but to give in. But there’s one thing I know, I will not give up! When those really rough days come, I remind myself that I can get through this; one second, one minute, one hour at a time. Remember to be kind to yourself, you are worth it and  so am I!

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This Ugly Hell

Let me go for just five minutes, let the fetters that bind me be loosed. Let me feel that I’m okay, and not as fragile as what I feel. If I go outside my comfort zone, I  won’t fall apart. What’s it like to feel ‘normal’; I can’t remember.

The day wants me to just run and run; destination unknown. There is no where I can go to escape my tumultuous mind and find relief. Sleep helps but even in my sleep, my dreams haunt me with unforgettable terror. And in my subconscious mind I know I have to awake; awake to face the fears of another day.

The Goliaths of the day seem so defeating, I have no ammunition to fight back. I’ve been beaten down once too many times. My Goliath says, ‘stay down, don’t get up.’ But I can’t give up, there are those who depend on me, I have to keep fighting, to keep going. How many times do you have to be near defeat before you just give up and say, ‘I’ve had enough?’ The Goliaths of the day are not just my illness but in my family has an whole.

This battlefield in my mind, isn’t about my spirituality but my broken mind. A mind that is frightened to death, too afraid of living but even more fearful of dying. So I’m caught in the middle, in limbo, not really living life to it’s full potential but dying a slow torturous death. But wanting life, wanting purpose, wanting to feel human.

I remember those days when my mind and body were so sick, I just wanted to die. My brain was shut down and thus my body couldn’t function either. I was sick of trying medications that were of no benefit, giving me no reprieve, no hope. ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) had diminished what little brain function I had left.  When ECT failed, medications weren’t alleviating my symptoms, counselling and psychotherapy were not earth shattering but nothing that could really free my dying mind.

Life as never been the same and in all likelihood will never be the same again. We have experienced many life altering traumas. Every day of my journey of living with a mental illness, is a constant battle; a war that never ends. But learning to live with this broken mind is my only hope of surviving. I can put no dependence in the medical field to cure me (there is no cure) or even come close, nor do I expect someone else to take my pain.

Most days I feel I’m surviving because I have an hope in my Creator and there are days when I feel  nothing at all. But it’s those days that I hope in God that I feel I will survive this. I feel sad for people who are in my situation and suffer from a mental illness and have no hope at all. Where do they go? What do they do? Who do they turn to? I have hope because I have to believe there is a greater power then myself. And He will see me through,  even when I feel hopeless, when I feel helpless, when I feel all alone, when I feel defeated. I do have the hope that He is there with me and that keeps me going; one day at a time.

Many may say, ‘but you are a born again Christian. Why or how can you be feeling this way?’ It’s because when you become Christian you are not exempt from sickness. Jesus didn’t promise a life without trials and tribulations; what He did promise was to be with us through these storms and hardships. So I have to have faith that He is with me at all times, even when I am having a really bad day. Others may be thinking,’ but you have a beautiful family; a wife and two beautiful children. I do and I love them dearly but I also have an illness. For those who just don’t get it, that’s okay, maybe one day you will fall into the pit of depression and then you will know what I’m talking about, but I would not wish that for you; but none of us are exempt. It’s because I have a wonderful family that I  fight so hard to be well. If I had cancer, I would do the same. I would fight with everything I have in me to beat it. But sometimes we can fight and feel like we are loosing the battle.

Many days I  live in fear that I would have a relapse. But I try not to dwell on the ‘what if’s’ but live by faith, that the mercy and grace of God will see me through. Romans 8:37 ‘In all these things we are more then conquerors through Him that loved us’. So, I am a conqueror, I will fight, I will not give up! If you are reading this and you are suffering and in pain, let me encourage you today to put your trust and faith in the God who cannot fail.

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Inside My Broken Mind

It’s evening, my high point of the day; evenings seem to give my mind a little reprieve. I feel like a minister preparing for his sermon. What can I say that would help someone today? What can I say that would help myself today? My search for healing and peace are never ending.

I compare my mind to that of an hamster on a hamster wheel; always moving but getting no where. Thoughts enter your mind that we have no power over. What we have to realize is that; that’s all they are, thoughts and nothing more. Taking control of these thoughts and realizing that they can’t harm us is the first step to recovery.

While these thoughts are controlling our mind, we have to concentrate on our breathing, that distracts us from our thoughts, which are usually dark and ugly. It is a never ending nightmare. Yet we long for night time and sleep to escape our nightmare. Sleep is our only escape.

We watch everyone around us, living life as if all is well, but in reality we know it’s not. We want the world to stop and let us get onboard. We’ve fallen off and can’t get back on. We are swimming in an ocean of pain, trying to keep our head above water and hopefully one day will learn to swim like everyone else. But right now we are drowning; drowning in our own thoughts.

Everyone experiences depression differently. But during my major episode, the world looked dark, what was beautiful; looked ugly. The simplest task seemed impossible. I felt I was slowly dying while watching everyone else play, laugh and smile. Those things felt impossible for me, that I was not worth any of them.

Depression is utterly isolating. You hide inside your head, knowing that no one can see what’s going on inside. You live in a world of your own, afraid to come out. An overwhelming fear of your own life and mind.

Everything seems meaningless, including previous accomplishments and what had given life meaning. Anything that made you feel a sense of self-worth, self confidence or self value; just vanishes. But over time, with a lot of hard work, you can find meaning again. It’s difficult to describe all of this in a way that someone who’s never experienced it can make sense of it, because it never always made sense to me.

My depression manifested itself through uncontrollable emotion. But a better way of describing it is a constant feeling of numbness. You felt nothing!

When you wake up, you don’t want to get out of bed; life just seems too big, too unbearable. All you feel is sadness. You wish you could sleep all day and never wake up, where dreams are better than life (the life inside your head). Sleep was an escape from reality. But I have taught my brain that reality is not that bad and I can get through each day (one day at a time).

Now I try to stay outside my mind, not always listen to what my mind is saying. But enjoy the things that I do have around me and be thankful for the little things. This takes time and practice but it’s what you have to do if you are going to survive this “battlefield of the mind”.