Tag: mental health

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700,000 Reasons Why I Blog/Write

Summer surrounds me in all her glory, but why am I feeling the freezing cold of winter?  Why can’t I just for this once just soak in it’s brilliant rays, relax in the warmth of the summer season? The brighter the sun  shines, the more my restless mind spins out of control. Mental illness is fatal and I’m fighting for my life. Everyday, sunshine or rain makes no difference, I have to fight to calm this war within. I am tired, I am sick and tired of this disorder. When will it end?  When will this war be over?

Sometimes I’m so preoccupied with trying to help others that I forget to take care of myself. Most times I feel I have to be well because I have so many responsibilities and demands to care for others, that I forget I need to be well for me too. If I’m not well then how can I be of help to those around me, especially my sweet Lauren, who depends on me for most everything.. I need to be present for her. no matter how I’m feeling, a really bad day or not, there are no exceptions.

I desperately try everyday to be the best that I can be and lots of days I fall short. Mental illness has stolen so much from me that there’s so little of me left to give. But I do what I can with what I have. Writing as sure been one of my greatest avenues of expressing what mental illness is and helping to unleash my untamed mind. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother, are my thoughts and writing just falling on deaf ears. As this all been in vain?

What is to follow is a presentation that I was supposed to present at one of my book launches, that never happened. To say I was disappointed would have been an understatement. I wasn’t angry about it, I was hurt. For someone dealing with mental illness; this could have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was so easy for me to just give up, there and then. But I didn’t and here I am telling my story once again. You may say, “Why bother?” Well here are my reasons to not give up writing, maybe I can just help someone.                                                                                                                                                                           -In any given year, 1 in 5 Canadians experience a mental illness. (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health).                                                                                                                         -By the time Canadians reach 40 years of age,  1 in 2 have or have had a mental illness.                                                                                                                                                                                  -Young people aged 15-24 are more likely to experience mental illness and/or substance use disorders than any other age group.                                                                       -People with substance use disorders are up to 3 times more likely to have a mental illness.                                                                                                                                                               -June 17, 2021 – More than 700,000 people die due to suicide every year. (World Health Organization).                                                                                                               -Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death among 15-29 year olds in the world.                                                                                                                                                                                   -About 4,000 Canadians per year die by suicide – an average of almost 11 suicides a day.                                                                                                                                                             -Worldwide, every 40 seconds, a person dies by suicide due to depression!

These are reasons enough to write; to write a blog, to write a book, to share my thoughts and experiences on my mental illness. My writing will not change the world, but it will help change my little part of the world. It will make me feel; I have done my part. I have done something!

Imagine, just imagine you woke up tomorrow morning and you felt nothing but helplessness, hopelessness and despair.  Well that’s what it’s like for us who suffer from a mental illness, especially those with depression.

I’m not a doctor, I’m not a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, none of these. But I am someone who suffered from a mental illness for all my life. This lifetime with mental illness has provided me with a vast knowledge and experience that I would never have learned in a book or gained otherwise; I know first hand. Before you stands the face of mental illness. No masks, no put-ons, no pretending; nothing but the truth. The shameful secret. the silent killer, a broken mind. Total transparency! I cannot cure you, I cannot fix you but I can assure you that ‘I GET IT’ and you are not alone.  Remember everybody’s story is different. This is mine!

I don’t remember not being on an anti depressant medication for my whole adult life. I was 16 years old (1980) when I had my first breakdown. But in 2012 I had a mental breakdown that deemed me non-functioning, a walking corpse, crippled and disabled; not confined to a wheelchair but equally disabled. A brain that shut down, a body that refused to move. During the next few years I tried every medication out there, every cocktail of drugs available to the medical field. Nothing was working; NOTHING! ECT – Electro convulsive therapy was my last hope of escaping this living hell. But much  to my dismay, it did not work. I now had lost all hope of ever getting better.

I kept pushing forward, I had so given up on life. I did not want to live, this illness had taken away my desire to live. This was not living, I was barely surviving. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. I fought with every ounce of strength I had in me to fight this beast I call mental illness. I eventually fought my way back to somewhat of a functioning level. I began to write and found this to be a great source of therapy. I began to blog. It was here you would find what was going on inside this broken mind. Each blog captured my thoughts right in the moment it was written; raw, true, transparent and painful. It was through these writings that I eventually created my book; Beyond The Door – A Journey Through A Lifetime Of Mental Illness.

It is through my writing, my artwork and my faith; that I have found a channel to survival. While I constantly struggle with my illness, I have hope that tomorrow will be a better day. I couldn’t always say that and there are still days when it’s hard to believe but everyday I strive to live and help educate others, break down walls of stigma that have for  years, made mental illness such a misunderstood and taboo illness. The shame associated with it, sadly keep many from seeking help. I hope to put a face to this illness and keep sharing my personal story to help others.

If this book (available at Amazon.ca) doesn’t give you a new perspective and break down some walls of stigma, then I have failed as an author. But I know this book will do even more! It will stir within you a desire to know more, more about this illness, more about this machine we call the mind!

 

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Imagine, Imagine, Imagine!

Imagine if you woke up tomorrow morning to a complete feeling of utter hopelessness, helplessness and despair. Imagine that no matter how hard you try to get out of this dark hole of despair something within your brain/mind keeps pulling you back into this black hole of helplessness and hopelessness. Every thought is an effort, every action feels like an impossibility; you feel totally disabled. Life is happening all around you and you feel like you are suspended in midair; just watching, having no control. This has been my mornings for the past few weeks or maybe I should say years.

When I feel the onset of these thoughts and feelings, I fear that they are an indication of a relapse of a breakdown. And this is something that cannot happen, if there’s something that I can do to deter a relapse of the magnitude of my past breakdowns, then I must do it! There is the danger that I could not survive another shutdown of my body and mind. In my past experiences with the treatment of my illness; I feel little hope. Especially being diagnosed; treatment resistant. My life since 2012, which was my last total breakdown (meaning, deemed non-functioning) has been a struggle everyday. Some days worse then others. But one thing I know for sure, although I am highly medicated, I still fight to have  an okay day.

Having a mental illness with no cure, is frightening in itself but realizing within myself that there is very little help in my case, certainly exacerbates my situation. It certainly leaves me feeling hopeless and helpless, and that’s how I’m feeling right now. And that’s  why I’m writing today: I feel there’s nothing else I can do, writing certainly helps me to express my feelings and thoughts, no matter how horrid and fearful. Sometimes I feel I’m writing a fictitious story about somebody else’s life but to my dismay, this is my own non fictitious life story.

Imagine you wake to another morning and your first plan of attack for survival is, self talk. Self talk has been a tool that I have used to bring me through many very dark days. Self talk is where you repeat a mantra, an affirmation over and over again in your mind. Hoping that eventually you can convince your brain that you are going to be okay. My mantra for this morning is, ‘It’s going to be okay, you are going to be okay’. I just hope I can convince myself of this and I really am going to be okay. I have to be okay, I just have to be okay!

Imagine that this is your life and you feel you are losing control of your health and your life as you know it. Imagine, Imagine, Imagine! What would you do?

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Hey, check out my website, “Art by Harris” with this link: https://www.harrisartisticdesigns.com/

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Covid19 And My Mental Health

Will the ‘restrictions’ of Covid19 kill me before Covid19 does? Don’t get me wrong I know we have to abide by these restrictions and they are put in place for our good, for our protection. And I will follow these restrictions for myself and also for the safety of others.

But having said that, coming from someone who suffers from a mental illness; how am I going to survive? Because right now I have days where I feel I am loosing the battle. Every restriction that is in place are restrictions that trigger my depression and anxiety. I believe this pandemic is difficult even for someone who has good mental health. But those who suffer mental illness; this caged, confined, imprisoned pandemic, would make one worry and wonder if you can survive this hellish existence.

I have no problem in wearing a facemask, I believe it’s the selfless thing to do; if it makes us a little uncomfortable, I think we can tolerate that, especially if it meant protecting someone who is autoimmune comprised or vulnerable. Sometimes we just have to do the right thing and wear a mask, if not for ourselves, then do it for others. I know there are some who just cannot wear a mask because of medical reasons and therefore they have a medical exemption from their doctor. I do believe these people should really limit their outings around others. One for their own protection and two, for the protection of everyone else. To my disbelief there are still those who just blatantly refuse to wear it. Their reasoning; they just don’t want to live their life in ‘fear’. I think sometimes we need a little healthy fear and abide by the restrictions that the Health Care Professionals put in place for our protection. I believe that someone who refuses to wear a mask are just being selfish, careless and inconsiderate of others. I certainly don’t feel that all those who are wearing a mask are living in fear but they just have a lot of common sense. So I will ‘suck it up’ and wear my mask without complaint, it’s the least I can do.

I know right now the media, example ‘Bell Let’s Talk’, are encouraging those who are finding the stress and anxiety of the  pandemic is affecting their mental health and they are finding life very difficult. And I totally agree, talking is great therapy and is certainly a means to help each other through these tough days. But I guess there are sometimes, exceptions to every rule. Just yesterday, I was having a really tough day, how I was feeling was unexplainable but it was not good. I was desperately fighting to just cope, to just survive the day. And talking to someone was the last thing I wanted to do; I just wanted to close the door on everyone and just crawl inside myself. I know this was not right but talking wasn’t on the top of my list of coping. So, don’t do as I do but do as I say and talk to someone!

I believe the most trigger provoking restriction of this whole pandemic is, social distancing/living in a bubble.  Not being able to spend time with friends and not having a social life is just killing me. The things that once I took for granted, I now crave to do. Just being able to go to the grocery store and smile at the passing customers or stopping and having a chat to a friend we just bumped into. And then just not being able to hug those we meet. Those little things aren’t little anymore, they play havoc on our mental health, even when we don’t realize they are. But for me, getting out, socializing, interacting with others, sharing with others, were all therapy for my mental health. Those were things I desperately craved to help bring me through my dark days. But because of this pandemic I am very limited to what I can do.

We are so blessed here in Newfoundland and Labrador compared to others parts of Canada and the World. But we certainly can’t afford to let our guard down. It’s because of our abiding to the restrictions of Covid19, that I believe have helped to flatten the curve and keep our numbers down. So thanks to our Government and Health Care Professionals for doing such an amazing job. I believe our protection and well being were their top priority and they have to be commended.

One day, hopefully, we will be able to look back on this nightmare and thank God that it did not kill us but we survived. My heart goes out to the tens of thousands that have died because of this deadly virus; worldwide. To those we will never forget, to the families who are still grieving their loss, beyond sad! Even to this very day, we are far from being home free! Still this pandemic sweeps through the earth and taking thousands of lives with it. One day, just one day, maybe just CA one day, we will be free again. I believe we will never be the same again, in this generation, but we will learn once again to live a ‘New Normal’.

 

 

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The Year I Died

In 2012 someone died. That someone was me. Something changed that year that I have fought to resurrect, fought to bring that person back to life; to resuscitate. It’s now 2020 and I’m still trying to find that person who died. My spirit died, my enthusiasm, my zest for life died. Some days are worse then others but this week as left me feeling numb, no motivation; I’m still missing me. And I don’t like the one that’s left behind.

The new me is in a constant struggle to survive. The fighting as left me exhausted, tired and numb. I find it so hard to feel happiness, especially since that’s all I want. I believe happiness is something you shouldn’t have to fight for but should come naturally. And after all these years I thought I would be at a much better place of improvement with my mental health. But it’s like I’m still fighting to keep me alive. Still fighting to resuscitate that lifeless me.

I remember back in 2012, my wife Lisa, described me as a ‘walking corpse’. I’m sure I’ve improved pass that acute stage but it’s been a battle I fought every day. How much can one person fight and how long can a person fight before they come to a breaking point? That’s the question I’ve asked myself during the pass few weeks.

This year as brought many challenges and obstacles for everyone. The worldwide Covid19 pandemic itself as added so much stress and anxiety to us all. But for us, those living with a mental illness, this pandemic as been a trigger and frightening experience and many have found it hard to cope. I’ve certainly had my moments that’s for sure. At times when my wife Lisa was hospitalized for three surgeries in less then a year. Then Lauren with her already comprised immune system was hospitalized for cerebral palsy related issues. And our son, Logan, was thrown around in all this chaos and turmoil; a strong but worried little boy, dealing with issues that no little boy should not have to face.

So in the midst of a world that was so frightening, unpredictable and isolated, I felt the pressure of having to survive. There were days I thought I would crumble but I knew I had to be resurrected to get through this yet another life changing crisis. I knew that if I crumbled we were doomed and I could not let it happen. I was reminded of the safety regulations repeated by a flight attendant on an airline prior to take off. And it was advice that I had to use during this very stressful time. The flight attendant would say, ‘In the event of a drop in cabin pressure; air masks will be released from above your heads. If you are travelling with infants, small children, seniors or anyone requiring assistance with their mask; put on your own mask FIRST!’ And that’s what I had to do, put on my own mask first and  then I would be equipped to help those that were in my care. I was resuscitated once again.

Maybe the year to come will be my year to be resurrected. The year I come back to life! For everyone’s sake, I need to return, I need to be there for my family, in every way. I pray for strength, wisdom and endurance to press on, to never give up. To live again!

 

 

 

 

 

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War of the Mind

It’s been months now since I have written a blog, July 25,2020 to be exact (www.harrislisa72.com). I just felt there was nothing else to say. Not sure if that meant I had written all I needed to write about mental illness or if my illness had built a roadblock in my mind. A wall that I could not break through, maybe more the latter.

I became a prisoner in my own mind. So many things that I found enjoyment in, things that were not just  hobbies for me but life saving therapy. I wanted so desperately to engage in again but I could not, although I yearned within me to be able. But I just could not. I felt myself spiralling down that dark hole of depression. But I knew I had to rescue myself from that crippling, disabling hole of  despair. But how? It felt that my thought process could not function to come up with a plan. I couldn’t write anymore, words could  not describe what I was  feeling. The one thing that brought me some healing therapy, I felt I couldn’t do anymore; blogging! And thus months went by and I didn’t blog my thoughts. I was frozen in time; speechless.

Everything seemed so overwhelming again. The things in reality that were so small to perform, now seemed like a mountain, a mountain I felt I just could not climb. Days went by and I fought to make each one matter. Some  days I did better then others. I was in survival mode. And survive I did, in spite of what my broken mind was telling me.

Many associate mental illness with weakness but I have learned over the years that people with a mental illness are some of the strongest people I know. I am strong (if I  weren’t, I would never survive this hellish disease of the mind) but I am tired. I’m tired of fighting just to be okay, something maybe that others know nothing about. But I know there are others out there that know and feel exactly what I’m saying.

We live in a world where we are expected to be happy and positive all the time. If we show our true self, our true feelings, then we are viewed as being different and strange. And of course this is where stigma, prejudice and discrimination comes in. But it’s perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared or anxious. Having these feelings doesn’t make you a ‘negative person’. It makes you human. So I guess I’m human after all because I have certainly dealt with all these feelings. Being depressed doesn’t mean you are negative, it means you are not okay, your ‘happy’ is just not there.

I won’t lie to you and tell you life is easy, it’s not. And when you have a mental illness, everything in life is intensified to the extreme. Just going to the grocery store requires so much mental energy, you have to push yourself out the door. Your mind is telling you; you can’t do this. But you know you have to because if you surrender to your thoughts then your illness will consume you. And you eventually would become ‘paralyzed’ and be forever controlled by your thoughts.

So let’s fight this battle together, we are not alone. You can do this, I can do this. Do I always win this war of the mind, of course not, I’m human. There are days when I have no choice but to give in. But there’s one thing I know, I will not give up! When those really rough days come, I remind myself that I can get through this; one second, one minute, one hour at a time. Remember to be kind to yourself, you are worth it and  so am I!

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ASHAMED

It’s been weeks and I have written nothing. Not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. I couldn’t lift that pen and start letting my pain flow onto the paper. I was ashamed of how I was feeling, ashamed that my depression swept over me like constant grief. I was like someone grieving over death and my grief was not getting any easier. So rather then writing about my depression/grief, I tried to hide it on the inside. I had shared my illness in countless blogs before and here I  am years later and still struggling. I was ashamed, ashamed that I can’t beat this beast within my prisoned mind. But then I realized, that’s why I have to write, to enlighten those reading, just what living with depression is like. It’s not always something that is here today and gone tomorrow. No, mine as lasted a lifetime. A lifetime of fighting, a lifetime of being ashamed.

I have had moments when I thought that shame was gone, times when I felt I had nothing to be ashamed of. But depression is not that forgiving, it will remind me over and over again. It will remind me until it as me beaten down so far, that all I want to do is hide it and suffer in silence. Well, once again here I am, fighting back! Fighting back with the little bit of fight that I have left in me.

My very good friend reminded me of just how brave someone is, that is fighting a mental illness. It’s in the words of this poem by Lana Rafaela;

I Think It’s Brave

I think it’s brave that you get up

in the morning even if your soul is weary

and your bones ache for a rest.

I think it’s brave that you keep on living

even if you don’t know how to anymore.

I think it’s brave that you push

away the waves rolling in every day

and you decide to fight.

I know there are days when you

feel like giving up but I think it’s brave

that you never do.

But there are some moments when I do give up. Moments when I just can’t fight anymore. Moments when hidden away behind closed doors; I just loose it and cry out to God, ‘I just can’t do this anymore’. I guess in some way, God reaches down and pulls me to my feet and says, ‘Now go fight, I am with you.’ And I do!

It seems the headlines almost everyday is filled with issues pertaining to mental illness. One such headline I read recently stated, ‘Pastor and Mental Health Advocate Jarrid Wilson Dies by Suicide’. (Notice they didn’t say, ‘committed suicide’, committed implies you performed an illegal act, for instance; you commit murder). Jarrid suffered from depression and often posted on social media about his own battles with the mental illness. His wife posted on Instagram; ‘ No more pain, my Jerry, no more struggle. You are made complete and you are finally free’. Prior to his passing he wrote a post encouraging followers to remember that even though loving Jesus doesn’t cure illnesses such as depression, PTSD or anxiety, Jesus does offer companionship and comfort. He confides that he had dealt with ‘severe depression throughout most of his life and contemplated suicide on multiple occasions.’ In his summer blog post, Jarrid challenged the idea some Christians have that those who die by suicide are condemned to hell.’

I’m quoting from an article published by Christianity Today. ‘Christians wouldn’t tell someone with a physical illness like cancer they are going to hell because of their diagnosis, he noted. Neither should they assume it of people with mental illnesses, which can lead many people to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do if they didn’t struggle.’

“Those who say suicide automatically leads to hell obviously don’t understand the totality of mental health issues in today’s world, let alone understand the basic theology behind compassion and God’s all consuming grace,’ he said.

We must do better at educating people on things they have a hard time wrapping their heads around. And mental health is definitely a topic  Christians around the world must yearn to better understand.’ It’s then we will be less quick to judge and swifter to be the arms of Jesus, showing compassion and tenderness without prejudice.

I am so thankful for the gift that God as bestowed upon me to be a mental health advocate. Having a first hand experience with mental illness myself has given me the drive, the passion, the compassion, the determination to break down the walls of stigma and judgement that is still so prevalent in our world today. This gift as not come without its consequences, misconceptions, losses, misunderstandings, isolation and hurts. But I believe that’s what Jesus was referring to when He said, ‘If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me (Luke 9:23).’ To follow Jesus was going to cost us something; the cross was not going to be easy to carry. This was not going to be a road of ease, feel good or prosperity path.

And so today I am still struggling, I still hurt, I still feel pain, I still have days that I can’t go on but I do. And for those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about; I pray for God’s grace and healing for all of us. Let’s go on, we can do this!

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“Battered n’ Worn”

I have recently completed a painting called, ‘Battered n’ Worn’ (view on my Facebook Page: ‘Harris’ Artistic Designs’). It depicts a scene of an old, weather beaten shed and an overturned ‘punt’ that had seen better days. And the boisterous sea just uncaringly raging in the background. While I was engrossed in the actual painting of the scene itself, I really didn’t give much thought to what I would name the painting or what the painting was actually trying to say to me; not until it was competed! And then I stepped back and viewed it from a distance, it really told the story of my life and how I was actually feeling right at that moment. I had painted my life and it was ‘Battered n’ Worn’.

I have fought this crippling, disabling sea of depression and anxiety for far too long and it was starting to show. That along with ALL of the other winds and weather, had left me battered and worn. I was and is feeling much like that deserted, weather beaten shed; ready to crumble if I had to withstand just one more storm. How much can one withstand before the storms of life just leave you battered and worn; before the shed can take no more and just eventually crumbles beneath the beatings of the storms of it’s life.

If the only battle I had to fight was for my mental health, then maybe I could withstand that. But when the storms of life, and they are many, come beating you down and the winds are taking you off your feet, the rain as saturated your skin, right to the bones. The cold, cold air as left you numb, the raging sea is pulling you down into it’s clutches and you are drowning, gasping, gasping, gasping for air.

But you cannot keep a good ma down, no matter what others may think or say about you; you forgive and move on. You get up and dust yourself off, and we have had to do this many a times, and keep moving on.

One such battle that we have fought and I believe now is the time to let the world know how Lauren was discriminated against by Skate Canada, Skate NL and the CBNSC. I will give them the benefit of the doubt that it may not have been intentional but as defined by Human Rights: ‘Intention to discriminate is not a requirement to a finding of discrimination’. The full story can be found on our website: www.harrislisa72.com called, ‘I Want To Skate Like ‘Bruddy”. But the story doesn’t end there. I filed a complaint with the Human Rights Commission and won the right to file a ‘formal complint’ against Skate Canada NL. This was no easy journey, filled with anxiety, fear and intimidation. You see, Skate Canada (on behalf of Skate NL and CBNSC) hired a lawyer to fight their battles (an intimidation tactic I’m sure, hoping we would back off, not a chance). I followed through with the Human Rights procedure in settling this injustice.

This is what we were offered to keep our mouths shut and not proceed any further. Sadly to say, we could not proceed any further because we did not have the money to obtain legal counsel of our own and I could not fight anymore. But this is what we were offered and I am quoting Skate Canada’s lawyer, ‘My client is prepared to pay the sum of $2000.00 in settlement of this matter. These funds would be paid in exchange for a release which acknowledges no admission of liability on the part of my client. A condition of the proposed settlement is a confidentiality agreement. This proposal would not see the provision of an apology on the part of my client’. Obviously we did not accept the ‘bribe’ and because we really could not pay for a lawyer, we had to withdraw the complaint.

Did we lose? Not at all. First of all we did pass the requirements and was awarded an ‘Official Complaint with the Human Rights Commission’. That was the first hurdle and we leaped that one, without any problem. We knew we had a legitimate complaint. And although we had no admission of guilt on either of the three clubs involved; we ourselves knew by their actions of hiring a lawyer and offering money for a confidentiality agreement, that we had won.

I write this because it is not Lauren’s Cerebral Palsy that we are fighting against but an everyday fight for her rights as an equal, inclusive and accepted little girl that needs to live a happy life, in spite of the injustices, the stigma, the unfairness and lack of compassion that is still prevalent in our so-called ‘Society’ today. And this is just one example of what we have to deal with on a day to day basis. And yet we have to stay strong because the challenges that come with Cerebral Palsy alone is enough to ‘break’ any man or woman!

So today as battered and worn has we may feel, we will fix up that old shed and polish ourselves off and lift our heads high and be proud parents, that want nothing more then for their children to have the best life possible; against all odds. And we will not give up the fight, we are going to brush ourselves off and start again. It’s not a choice, we have to do it, if we are going to survive the raging storms in our  lives!

 

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The Seasons Come And Go

Winter as finally passed and Spring is so desperately trying to unfold. With Spring comes that feeling of new life, new beginnings, fresh hope and a warmth that inspires the soul. The cold, chilly winter season as reluctantly become another memory in time. Much as happened; good and bad. But yet we have survived another season; another season of life.

I can’t honestly say that the past several months hasn’t come without it’s tough times. It’s been rough on all of us, to say our life is simple, would be an understatement. Living with mental illness and cerebral palsy would be enough to send any family’s life into a whirlwind. And lots of days that’s what it feels like; you are living in a whirlwind. Where life is spinning out of control and you’re fighting to hold the pieces together. Some days you may feel like you’re winning and other days like you are loosing the fight.

With my mental illness, I must say it’s still an everyday struggle but most days now, I feel it’s a struggle that I am winning. I guess it’s like someone who has diabetes, they still have it but they have it under control. And for me with my depression and anxiety, I feel on most days I have it under control.  But each day still requires a lot of self talk, keeping my thoughts from becoming distorted and unrealistic, trying to keep life as ‘normal’ as possible and live in the moment. Is this easy to do? No, not at all but if I am going to beat this living hell, then this is what I have to do on a daily bases, if I am going to survive; I can never let my guard down. And maybe with this new season of Spring may come new life, new hope and new beginnings for all of us.

Lauren has certainly had her share of pain, hurt and uncertainties. The cold winter months have found her spending most of it in bed, recovering from two major hip surgeries, that can only be described as horrific. No child should have to suffer what this child as endured and will still have to endure in the months to come. Her first hip surgery was performed in May 2018, the second was done September 2018. It’s now April 2019 and it’s only now that I can say that she is bouncing back from her ordeals. She as missed majority of her school year in kindergarten. We are now in the process of gradually introducing her back into the school setting, which as to be done slowly, cautiously and at her own pace, due to her high levels of anxiety. But she is doing fairly well and her school as been so accommodating during this transition period and for that we are so thankful.

Life for us as parents of a disabled child will never be the same again. And I don’t say that in a selfish way but in a realistic way. I know that the only parents that will truly understand what I mean; are parents that are privileged to have a disabled child. Lauren may be six years of age but right now we still have a six year old baby. We do the exact same things for her now as when she was a baby. Except now it’s harder because she as grown to be a big girl, who requires constant lifting. And the 24/7 care doesn’t end and doesn’t get any easier.

I believe that life for all of us at this season of Lauren’s life is a little tougher. Lauren is so aware, so intelligent and so full of questions; questions that we don’t always know how to answer. For instance, yesterday we were going outside and out of nowhere she asked, “Daddy why do I have to be in a wheelchair?” I’m sorry but I wish that no child would ever have to ask that question. She’s realizing now, more then ever, especially since she’s gone back to school; that not all kid’s are in wheelchairs. So she’s wondering and asking, why am I in a wheelchair? It was only recently she asked Lisa, “Mommy, when you were a little girl, were you in a wheelchair?” How can we live without having a broken heart? There will always be moments like these when our hearts are torn from our bodies. And just one more heart wrenching moment, when she asked me while we were just lying in her bed, “Daddy did you see me when I done a cartwheel?” And I lied and said, “Yes my angel and that was the best cartwheel I have ever seen in my life”.

Nature may have four distinct seasons; Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer. All of which will come and go at it’s own designated times. Much like the seasons of life. Right now I am at a different season in my mental health then I was last year at this time. And right now Lauren is at a different season of her cerebral palsy and we have discovered that those seasons are forever evolving and changing. We just have to learn to adjust to each individual season and to learn to find warmth in the coldness, sunshine in the rain, new life amidst the dying dreams. Healing and hope when the season as gone.

 

 

 

 

 

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Triggers

My pen sets silently in my hands. It doesn’t want to move, much like my whole body. Depression as washed over me like an ocean wave. The last few months have been a very disturbing time for me, there has been many triggers that have aggravated my illness. Triggers are unpleasant and disturbing experiences that occur in your life that bring on an episode of intense depression and anxiety (in my case). And when this happens, you have to fight for your life again.

Right now this episode as left me with so many unwanted, irritable symptoms. I find it very difficult to socialize, I isolate as much as possible; my interaction with others are forced. I know I can’t  isolate, it just isn’t good for my mental health, but yet it’s all I want to do. I just don’t have the drive, the energy or enthusiasm  that is required to be in public. My triggers have knocked me down big time, but I know I have to get up, but how do you get up when you feel you have so little strength left; fatigue is a big problem. You barely have enough strength to crawl.

I have learned over the years what I have to do to survive but when intense depression strikes, your survival guide seems so unattainable. You push and push and push until you feel you can push no more. But push I must, or if not I will be in deeper trouble; and I am not going there again. To that dark tunnel that has no light at the end.

When you are feeling this way, you search for that something that can bring you that glimmer of hope. But when you are enduring such intense depression; your thoughts are so distorted that you cannot see the light, the smallest task seems so impossible to do. It’s at this point you have to give it all you got and find some good, somewhere. It’s there, just so much harder to see when you are in a cloud of fog.

Some things that I’m using to bring me through this valley of despair at the moment are; looking forward to Logan coming home from school, hearing Lauren saying ‘Good morning Daddy’. It’s in the little things lots of times, the smell of supper cooking, the sun shining, looking outside and realizing that spring is here. All does my heart good.

It’s great that I do enjoy various hobbies and when I’m not feeling well I try to distract myself by engaging in them. Right now I started painting again, it’s great therapy and certainly a great distraction. Painting is a great way to express your feelings and emotions. For example, I can paint pictures that portray calmness, peacefulness, beauty and solitude. All of which help to reflect positive thoughts. I also love playing the part of ‘Walter on da line’, but that is very difficult to do when you are not feeling well. When I do feel well enough, I find it is such  great therapy and laughter is great medicine.

Writing about mental illness certainly brings no glory to myself. In reality, I really would like to hide under a rock and never come out, so the world would never see my illness. But I believe in order to help others that are suffering with mental illness, we have to talk about it. And in doing so, we help others realize they are not alone, we educate each other, and we help break down the walls of stigma that still exist today.