Tag: love

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Make Me An Instrument

I sit in my office desperately trying to catch my thoughts as they race around my head in a halo of madness. Fighting this war of the mind seems like there is no end. Suffering from clinical depression and major anxiety has left me in survival mode, trying to make sense of my broken mind; and yes, it’s broken. It took me a long time to come to this realization, that it’s okay, I’m not a lunatic, I’m just ill. On days that I’m feeling I’m losing this fight, to remind myself that I need to be kind to myself. Just as I would if I had a physical illness because at it’s most fundamental, depression is a physical illness. It’s an illness that affects an organ of my body called the brain and it’s ability to work properly, just as diabetes is a problem with the organ of the body that we call the pancreas. And when I look at it in that light, it makes me feel more ‘normal’ and my depression is an illness; not a character flaw or a personal defect.

My heart goes out to all those who are suffering from this horrible illness. Especially those who have little or no support and those who are suffering in silence who are ashamed to tell someone, in fear that they would be looked upon as weak. This is not an illness of weakness but of constant torment that physically drains your body to a point of exhaustion. So let’s stop looking at ourselves has weak and realize we are strong and courageous because if we weren’t, we would never survive.

I know this illness steals from us the mere glimmer of hope, light and joy; the fundamental aspects of what life is made of.  If we lose hope, we are left with nothing, if we cannot see the light we are left in darkness and if we lose our joy, we will drown in sadness. Today I want to encourage those who are walking this road of discouragement caused by depression and anxiety that there is hope, there is light, there is joy…. there as to be!

And lastly I would like to leave you with this prayer by Saint Francis called; “Peace Prayer Of Saint Francis”. It is my prayer too, may it be the prayer of all our hearts;

Lord, make me  an instrument of peace :

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I

may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

AMEN.

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His Love Has No Limit

I believe it’s when I’m in the most pain, that God uses me the most. My pain triggers my brain to unleash what’s imprisoned in my mind. Some thoughts are impossible to describe by my pen, they have to be lived and felt in order to fully comprehend the pain they bring to one’s life. I am not referring here to the feeling of down-in-the-dumps kind of pain.

When major/clinical depression hits, and it can hit at any moment, without warning; one’s ‘self’ can disappear into the depression, you loose who you really are. Your personality is dissolved with your tears, your soul is destroyed by it’s flames, your being is no more. You exist, nothing more then a robot, you go through the motions. But you search and long for that ‘you’, the one that you once knew. The one that you felt love towards, now you hate what you have become. Not that I have become a monster but quite the opposite. There are times when it seems as though someone came into my space and turned the lights off; I was in complete darkness. That was the acute stage of this illness.

Today I still have this illness and struggle with it everyday. Not unlike someone with any other incurable illness have to struggle with theirs on a day to day bases. I still have days when I find it hard to even do the small tasks that need to be done, but I do them. I now know my limits and only do what I can with what I have. There are still days when sadness overflows me like a flood. And days when my strength and drive is at it’s lowest.

But having said all of that, I believe, and no I’m not getting all religious on you and no it’s not my illness or my medication talking, I am totally of a sound and sane mind. But I am going to tell you that the only way I have survived this illness thus far is through the constant presence of my Heavenly Father. On days when I am not doing so well, I hold onto His hand a little tighter. And when I was at the acute stage of my illness, when I could not hold on; then it was those days that He literally carried me. There is no other explanation. Nothing! The medical field can only do so much and then no more.

But then the Great Physician steps in. And that’s why I’m still here today, to tell you there is hope in Jesus. He is not my last resort but my only hope! And He can be yours too. No matter what you are struggling with today, no matter what your addiction is, no matter your illness, no matter your pain. It doesn’t matter how hopeless you feel, how far down you may be. Jesus can and will raise you up again! There is only one answer, when you feel you have exhausted all resources, He is ‘still’ there.

I want to leave with you a portion of a song that sums up this blog and reinforces what I’m trying to say:

His love has no limit, His grace has no measure, His pow’r has no boundary known onto men; For out of His infinite riches in Jesus, He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.                                                           When we have exhausted our store of endurance, When our strength has failed ere the day is half done; When we reach the end of our hoarded resources, Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

I pray today that this blog as reached the ears of the hurting, to the heart that is broken, to the soul that is helpless; may you find peace and healing in the one that loves you unconditionally. He loves you just as you are, no matter what. And if He’s not your Saviour today, it’s not too late. He loves you just as you are; broken, tired, hopeless and lost. Ephesians 2:8 “For by grace are you saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God”.

 

 

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Surviving Christmas?

I have to write, there’s so many thoughts going through my head; I have to write, to escape, to free my mind. It’s that time of the year when “all is merry and bright”. The media portrays it’s the most magical, loving, and giving time of the year. And it could be to some extent. A time when family are all united, past hurts forgotten and love flows like milk and honey. Is this the reality or wishful thinking; an unattainable expectation? A fantasy land!

Oh how I wish the reality of Christmas could be nothing but peace on earth, love to all and all is well. But for many this is not the reality. Christmas can be the most lonely, stressful, misinterpreted time of the whole year. Especially for those who have lost a loved one, are suffering chronic or terminal illness or who feel all alone; in a society that’s filled with expectations that are far beyond the reality of what Christmas is meant to be.

For those (myself included) who suffer from depression; Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year. It’s a time when you are expected to be happy, excited, full of anticipation and joy. But really that’s not how you feel, you feel the total opposite and of course with that come feelings of guilt because you don’t feel the way you are expected to feel. But don’t be too hard on yourself, because you have this illness doesn’t mean that Christmas is going to make it go away. Just know that you will get through this; this too shall pass. The actual day will pass, much like a birthday; just another day.

Recently I was private messaged a question that I wish there was a concrete answer for. How do I survive the Holiday Season? Statistics show that the rate of suicides at this ‘Merry’ time of the year, is so much higher than any other time of the year. Thousands of homeless; remain homeless, Christmas doesn’t change that. Countless people are starving and will sadly starve; but the Christmas spirit still moves on despite world hunger. War still rages through countries with no hope of peace, no end to conflict. Terrorists attacks and evil will still move through our land, even when Christmas offers us peace, hope and love.

Truthfully the only real  means and hope of surviving the “Holiday Season” is by embracing the true meaning of Christmas. It’s not all about us, but about the one who came to bring hope, love and inward peace; that being the birth of Jesus. So we have to shift our focus from us to Him!  Amidst all the commercialization and rush to buy, buy, buy; it’s easy to loose our focus on what the true meaning of ‘Christmas’ is. But may we remember to redirect our thoughts to what’s important this Christmas. It’s not about the hustle and bustle but the time spent with those we love, the quiet times, being thankful for what we do have and not wallowing in what we don’t have. Truly reflect on the good that is still out there and may we do our part to spread that good cheer to those who are hurting this Christmas. That is the true meaning of Christmas!

It’s not about surviving the Christmas Season but embracing it and finding the good in all the little miracles that are still all around us. Just has God sent His Son this Christmas Season to be the Prince of Peace. May you know in your heart once again; that inward peace that can only come from your Creator.

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Logan’s Journey

I want to introduce you to an amazing little six year old boy named Logan. When we decided to have children (after been married for thirteen years) we were told we would probably never be able to conceive a child on our own. After working with Fertility Specialists for over a year, we had no progress. So our last and only hope of having a child would be by IVF; Invitro Fertilization.

IVF was a very costly procedure and would be done in Calgary, Alberta. With bags packed and hearts full of anticipation and hope, off we go to Calgary. Once the procedure was complete, which took about a week, we were homeward bound again. Then we waited for two weeks before we could take a pregnancy test; to find out it was positive! To make a long story short, we were soon the proud parents of a “bouncing” baby boy. And two years later we were surprisingly blessed with a beautiful baby girl, you talk about divine intervention and a little “work” by Mommy and Daddy. It was a year later when we would learn the devastating and life altering news of Lauren’s diagnosis with Cerebral Palsy.

Logan has grown to be such an amazing, intelligent, sociable, fun loving little boy. But you see as much has we try to protect and shelter him from all the “challenges” of our lives, this is impossible to do. When I was very sick, especially during ECT treatments, I spent most of my time asleep. How could a little boy understand why his Daddy was always asleep and couldn’t play with him. I hate my illness for stealing this precious time away from my little boy; time I can never get back. Has I’m writing this I am also realizing how much of my memory of this period of my life is gone, due to ECT, medication and the severity of my depression. But we are trying to make new memories and making life as normal has possible for both our children.

Logan is his father’s child when it comes to his love for animals. His first love were worms, then snails, our dog; Brady (who has since gone to Heaven). Then we thought some fish would satisfy his longing for more pets, but only to find out he also had a love for bunnies. Which now he is the proud owner of a blue eyed, white mini lop; the love of his life. Recently we visited Lester’s Farm, Logan wanted to know if we could buy farm animals. I said, “we’ll have to wait and see. A pig has really peaked his curiousity (all things are possible in our household; never say never).

Logan also has a love for singing, that’s also in his genes. His ability to remember songs, his voice range and tune is amazing. I can’t wait to see where he goes with it; “the skies the limit”.

When it comes to toys,he first became fasinated with trains, all trains, not just Thomas the Train. To bad we live on an island where there are no trains, kind of ironic. Then there’s his love for Star Wars and Star Wars Legos. Him and Daddy spent many hours putting together large Star Wars Lego space ships; Daddy loved it.

Logan’s greatest achievement, accomplishment, and love is his little sister Lauren. He’s become her mentor, “Bruddy” is the sparkle in her eye and vice versa. They just love each other (most of the time). If there is anybody that will motivate Lauren to move or maybe even walk; it will be Logan. He can do anything with her and she loved it; they are best buddies.

Logan has seen and experienced more in his little lifetime then most kids, when it comes to life challenges. But I believe it’s those experiences that have made him into the amazing, caring, loving little boy that he has become. He has taught us all, that
there is joy in living and we can overcome any opstacle because we have something that money can’t buy; LOVE! And we just “love him to pieces!”

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My Prayer For Today

Dear God,
I know I’m not asking too much; for nothing is impossible with you.

May I find sunshine through the clouds.
Light in the darkness.
Wisdom for my unanswered questions.
Hope, when it seems all hope is gone.
Faith when my faith is small.
Healing for all my hurts and ills.
Forgiveness to move on.
And love when I just need a hug.

So God,
If you’re listening today and you decide to answer my prayer;

May I spread sunshine to someone else’s cloudy day.
Shine my light to illuminate the darkness.
Wisdom to help someone find their way.
Spread hope to those feeling hopeless.
Offer faith that can move mountains.
Healing for those who are hurting and in pain.
Help others to find forgiveness.
May I never be afraid to give someone a hug; for God is Love

Thanks God,
Harris

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I Love Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy

Both Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy have taught me so much about life. I really wish that I was never introduced to either. Because life would have been fine without it. But that’s not the way it works; we can’t pick and choose what life throws in our laps. We just have to learn to accept and endure through whatever life throws at us. Does that mean we have to love or hate whatever that might be?

It has taught me that I am so not in control of what life throws my way. There are days when life is spinning out of control. Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy are much bigger then me. I am only human, it forced me to look deeper inside for something more, a strength that is greater then myself. That we cannot do this in our own human strength but we need a spiritual strength that is much greater. All of us, no matter who we are or what we believe; when it comes down to the crunch, what or who do we turn to? I believe that would be God. We can’t turn to our bank accounts, our careers, our possessions or any earthly being. When all is said and done all we really have is God. And that is the greatest answer to any of life’s questions. So therefore I love mental illness and cerebral palsy for that reason; it made me look deeper spiritually, that I probably would not have done otherwise.

Both our disorders have opened my eyes to a “new normal”. All our lives have been affected and changed in one way or another. We are learning and accepting both our life changing diagnoses. And trying to make it as “normal” as possible. We as a family still grieve the losses that comes with such life altering illnesses. Life as we knew it will never be the same. But we have to find the sunshine in this; our new normal. And that will not be easy but we will do it; one moment,one hour, one day at a time. So it as taught me tolerance of the here and now. This is a new chapter in the book of our lives. Nothing stays the same forever.

I also love mental illness and cerebral palsy because it as helped me to relate to others who are experiencing the same pain and struggles. My compassion, love and concern for others have certainly deepened because of what these disorders have taught me.

But in all honesty; can this be the truth? Can I truly love these illnesses? To some degree yes but to another,no. Can I truthfully say I love the mental illness I have and Lauren’s cerebral palsy? The truth is; I hate the mental illness I have. I hate Lauren’s cerebral palsy. After all I am only human and hate is an emotion that we all possess. Yes I have learned and grown so much but bottom line; I hate it! That is the truth:”…and the truth shall set you free!”

I just visited my acupuncturist and thought I’d get her opinion on this topic of hate and love. Is hate an emotion? Can we love and hate something at the same time? I think we concluded that hate is an emotion because love is an emotion and hate is the opposite of love. And we can love and hate at the same time. If you disagree, you’ll have to take it up with her, lol. But I love and hate mental illness and cerebral palsy at the same time.

On the flip side; how can I love something that as taken away so much from us and have changed our lives so drastically? I have lost my job, my sense of being a provider, my self confidence, self worth and the list goes on. So yes, I hate it for those reasons. Then there’s Lauren. The suffering, the senselessness, the freedom to live a “normal life” as been taken away from her. Just last night I was getting her ready for bed and I was massaging an essential oil combination that Lisa developed to help sooth her muscles. When she said,”Daddy I don’t want anymore Jesus Oil (we told her when we apply this oil, Jesus was going to make her better, so she calls it her Jesus oil). So I said,”why not my darling?” And she looked up at me and said,”because I don’t want to walk anymore?” My heart nearly broke. I said, “why don’t you want to walk anymore my love?” And she looked up at me and said,”Because it hurts too much.” Through my tears she said, “you ok Daddy”? I lied and said, “Daddy’s just fine”. When inside I was saying, “I hate you to her cerebral palsy.”

I can’t honestly say I love it, I do love the positive outcomes that have come with our disorders. But sadly to say with the positives come the harsh realities. The sleepless nights, the long periods of screaming, the wanting to walk like Bruddy, the constant 24/7 care that nobody else sees. We have no choice but to cry out to God! HELP!
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