Tag: light

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Make Me An Instrument

I sit in my office desperately trying to catch my thoughts as they race around my head in a halo of madness. Fighting this war of the mind seems like there is no end. Suffering from clinical depression and major anxiety has left me in survival mode, trying to make sense of my broken mind; and yes, it’s broken. It took me a long time to come to this realization, that it’s okay, I’m not a lunatic, I’m just ill. On days that I’m feeling I’m losing this fight, to remind myself that I need to be kind to myself. Just as I would if I had a physical illness because at it’s most fundamental, depression is a physical illness. It’s an illness that affects an organ of my body called the brain and it’s ability to work properly, just as diabetes is a problem with the organ of the body that we call the pancreas. And when I look at it in that light, it makes me feel more ‘normal’ and my depression is an illness; not a character flaw or a personal defect.

My heart goes out to all those who are suffering from this horrible illness. Especially those who have little or no support and those who are suffering in silence who are ashamed to tell someone, in fear that they would be looked upon as weak. This is not an illness of weakness but of constant torment that physically drains your body to a point of exhaustion. So let’s stop looking at ourselves has weak and realize we are strong and courageous because if we weren’t, we would never survive.

I know this illness steals from us the mere glimmer of hope, light and joy; the fundamental aspects of what life is made of.  If we lose hope, we are left with nothing, if we cannot see the light we are left in darkness and if we lose our joy, we will drown in sadness. Today I want to encourage those who are walking this road of discouragement caused by depression and anxiety that there is hope, there is light, there is joy…. there as to be!

And lastly I would like to leave you with this prayer by Saint Francis called; “Peace Prayer Of Saint Francis”. It is my prayer too, may it be the prayer of all our hearts;

Lord, make me  an instrument of peace :

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I

may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

AMEN.

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Finding the Light

After several visits to my physcritrist, after my latest severe relapse about 5 years ago; he started talking about filling out the papers to apply for Canada Pension Disability. What was he talking about? This is a doctor not a social worker. Why would I be needing that anyways? Give me a few months and I’d be back on my feet, as good as new. But he knew the difference, he knew my history and knew the severity of this breakdown. I would not be going back to work anytime soon, if ever.

You talk about panic sitting in, like the waves of the ocean come flowing over me. This is not the case, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about I thought. But now five years later and still not back to work; I guess he did know what he was talking about. Why couldn’t he be wrong, just this once; for my sake, for my families sake?

If there ever was a time when I needed to work; it would be now. With two children and my wife off work on sick leave. But knowing in my mind that this would be the last thing I could do on this earth. As bad as I want to and need to, I would not be able to.

So the question remains; which could change my life tremendously is; is there a cure for my illness, major depression and anxiety disorder? I am now speaking for myself and my diagnosis (not for anyone else because everyone’s illness is different. In reality there is no cure for my illness. Looking at my outward appearance at present, one would think that I am in full recovery. Oh I wish that were the case. There is nothing I would pray for more (other then Lauren’s healing) than to be fully recovered. But people look at me and say, “but you look so good”. And I say, “thank-you” but what you see is not what you get. For on the inside my struggle, my war still rages; on a lesser scale but none the less, still there.

I will compare my illness to that of a diabetic. You have diabetes, you keep it under control, but there is no cure. You maintain your levels on a day to day basis. So it is with my illness, I take it one day at a time and that’s all I can ask for. Dr Douglas Bloch, well known author and psychiatrist says this,”Depression is a relapsing condition, we cannot cure it but we can manage the symptoms”.

Just as with other genetic transferred illnesses, mine was passed on to me at birth. I always knew from a young age, that there was something not right. That’s why at sixteen I had a mental breakdown and suffered other relapses throughout my lifetime. I don’t remember too many times when I was not on an antidepressant. It plagued me my whole life. It was like taming a lion, sometimes it would settle down but other times it came forth in full fury.

So, for now I have to keep my symptoms under control. And watch for warning signs such as; loss of appetite, disruption in sleep patterns, feelings like you are losing control, withdrawing or isolating from others and feelings of hopelessness. If these start to surface than I know something’s wrong.

I wish I didn’t have to be honest and real about my illness; I wish I could paint a prettier picture and say, yes there is a cure but I believe that would be like saying,”there’s a cure for cancer”. Truth to be told, in the recesses of my mind loomes the ugly reality of this disease. If you are one of the lucky ones who feel have beaten or cured from this illness, then I am happy for you; very happy! But for the majority of us we have to accept the fact that this illness is not going away totally. Just like my heart disease, mitral valve prolapse; ain’t going away. Or Lauren’s cerebral palsy; ain’t going away. But without a miraculous healing, we will live life above our illness and not be defined by them. Lauren is a typical four year old little girl who has dreams and aspirations just like any other little girl. Maybe with a few more challenges and obstacles, she will rise above it and “shine her light.”
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And has with my own illness, I will rise above it and shine the light. Amidst all the stigma, misinformed persons, people with “perfect” mental health, people who have all the answers, an illness that is so misunderstood and unexplainable; I will be the light for others. After all the blogs I’ve written, I feel I have only scratched the surface. We will find a cure, we will find the light.

By accepting the fact that there is no cure for my illness, doesn’t mean that I have given up or given in to this illness or have loss all hope. It just means I am not in denial anymore, it is what it is. Just like someone having cancer, you don’t want to believe it or accept it but in the process you finally realize the harsh truth and reality. We never loose hope, no matter what the diagnosis or prognosis. The energy and strength we put into fighting the reality of our illness, we can now put into fighting the illness itself. And that’s when the light starts to shine, glimmers of hope, a speckle of light at the end of the tunnel, it’s then we find “the light”.