No matter how hard I try, the expectations of summer just doesn’t come by so easily. Depression builds up a wall that separates you from what you really want; to be truly happy. It’s like the harder you try the further away your dream fades. You know what you need to do but you just can’t get there; it keeps moving further and further away. Depression kills your spirit; it leaves you feeling INCOMPLETE. And that’s probably one of the best words to describe what depression does to you, it makes you feel incomplete. Like there is always something missing, it steals a piece of you that you can’t find anymore, no matter how hard you search.
You know you’re not right, that there is something wrong but you are trapped , you can’t get out, you can’t change it. It’s out of your control. I feel like I have lost myself and can’t find ‘me’, no matter how hard I search; I can’t be found. My identity is lost, I don’t know who I am anymore. Please come back; whoever you were, I liked the other person a lot better. I was a perfectionist, I would go above and beyond to help others, I gave my job 110%. I was the responsible one (most of the time) and the one other people could count on. Now I can’t even count on myself for me, I’m afraid of who I’ve become. How could depression change me so much? Will I ever be ‘myself’ again?
Depression really does change who you are. I grieve and mourn for that person I use to be. I managed my own business for 28 years, like any other professional, but today that is so impossible, my illness has taken away my ability to perform in that capacity and I miss it so much. It was such a large part of who I was, I loved it. It gave me a sense of accomplishment, professionalism, purpose and socialization. But I know within me, I will never do that again and I have to let it go. But letting go is never easy, it’s been six years and I still have days when I wish I could go back to those days. But I know I have to look forward and hope that one day I will thrive again.
There’s nothing glamorous or pretty about depression. But opening up about it and letting other people know just how I feel is one of the best things I could have done. I’m hoping that people aren’t disappointed that I’m not the person I used to be, that depression as taken it’s tole on me. I fight every day to be the best that I can be; maybe there are days that I don’t feel like talking. Sometimes it’s just because I don’t know what to say anymore. Then there are days when I seem a million miles/km away, when really I’m still here, it’s just my brain has captured my thoughts and I’m held prisoner inside my own mind. Or some days I may not laugh as much as I used to, my burden of sadness overwhelms me and steals my laughter. There may be days I just want to run away and not have to face anyone. But that’s what depression as done to me, it’s no one’s fault and certainly not mine because if I could change it I would do it in an heartbeat. My real self is still there, somewhere underneath my depressed self. Depression does not define who I am, it will try; but it will not win, it just can’t.
So whether its summer, winter, spring or fall; it doesn’t matter. When depression strikes it doesn’t always take the season into consideration. But it’s so hard when it’s a beautiful summer day and the sun is shining in all of it’s glory but in your mind the sun isn’t so bright anymore. Depression as clouded it’s beaming rays and darkened shadows follow your every footstep.
If you know someone who suffers from depression or any other mental illness, please realize that it is mental illness that as changed them. They didn’t choose to have this illness and if there was ever a time in their life when they needed your understanding and support; it’s now. Just be there and maybe one day at a time, they will gradually come back to you.
