I just recently published a blog entitled; ‘My Will To Live’. This was a blog about one of the most serious symptoms of Depression and that being, it takes away your will to live. And sad to say, for many this can lead to suicide. This symptom gradually eats away at your will, your desire to live. The pain of living is too overwhelming. But as sufferers and I’m speaking for myself, we have to find a way to overpower our thinking and realize that life is worth living. Dealing with this symptom alone is enough to kill the spirit of the strongest person on earth. But along with this symptom comes many more. I would just like to elaborate on some of these symptoms and give you my own personal experience and the way in which I dealt with each symptom. I hope this can help you on your journey of hope through this hellish illness.
Another symptom that I struggled with is; trouble concentrating, remembering details, memory loss, making decisions and loosing train of thought. When I was at the worse stage of my illness, I could not read a book, watch television or work on my computer because I could not concentrate long enough to focus on what it was I was reading or watching. My memory was minimal, especially around the time I was having ECT treatments. I have large blocks of my life that I don’t remember and I still struggle today with my memory. And connected to memory loss would be loosing my train of thought. I could be in the middle of a conversation and not remember what I was talking about. So today I cannot trust to my memory, if I need to remember something, I have to write it down. This can be very scary when you cannot trust your own brain.
Fatigue was and is a symptom that plagued my life. I had zero energy, my fuel tank was running on empty. You knew you had to do something, like go for a walk, but you had no idea how you were going to get the strength to do it. So I started with baby steps, I didn’t start by running a marathon. I started by doing a five minute walk, now at the time that seemed impossible but I had to start somewhere and I gradually worked my way up. I remember lying on the sofa and Logan pulling on my finger to play with him. There was nothing I wanted to do more but there were times when my mind and body just could not do it. Today I still fight fatigue but not to the extent that I did then.
Then there were the feelings (and they were real) of worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness. I had no self worth, no hope of escaping this hell, no personality, no self confidence and no way of helping myself back to ‘myself’. I existed as a physical being and nothing else. These symptoms dragged me down to death’s door but thankfully that door didn’t open. I still struggle with these feelings but I realize that’s what they are; feelings. And today I realize these feelings cannot hurt me and I can, with God’s help, rise above them.
Most people dealing with major depression find they either sleep too much or they cannot sleep at all or very little. I think I suffered with both . When I was very acute I slept what seemed to be always. But then I went through a stage where I could not sleep at all and I believe this was due to my anxiety being so high. Either way, neither were very pleasant to deal with. Today I sleep fairly well with the aid of prescribed medication, which I would not want to be without.
Another bothersome symptom is you either overeat or appetite loss. Therefore you either gain a lot of weight or you loose a lot of weight. For me I loss my appetite completely. I would sit at the table and look at my plate and wonder how am I ever going to eat that. But I knew if I were going to improve, I had to eat, so I would force myself to do so. After months, my appetite did return. But during my time of appetite loss, I was a walking corpse; skin over bones. But thank God today I even have a ‘pop belly’. And I will never complain over that. Just thankful that I now can eat.
One very common symptom with depression is an overwhelming sense of sadness. And because of being sad, you have the uncontrollable desire to be very emotional and crying frequently. And lots of times you didn’t even know why you were crying. But I believe there was healing in my tears, they helped to express the way I was really feeling.
A symptom that was very evident in me was , I loss all interest in everything. The things I loved to do, I now had absolutely no interest in doing anymore. One example and it’s also a symptom is I did not want to socialize anymore. I felt all alone in a crowded room of family and friends. I would prefer to isolate, which is very common in major depression. But I knew I could not do this for an extended period of time. If I were going to improve; I had to be around people. Even today I struggle with gatherings, large crowds but I am doing so much better.
The list of symptoms can go on but those are the ones that probably dominated my illness. I also suffered panic attacks but I believe that was an illness all on it’s own rather then a symptom. And it would require a blog of it’s own (so stay tuned for that blog). I hope in some way I have helped you to understand what someone, dealing with major depression, is going through. And for those who are living with a mental illness, I hope you realize that these symptoms will lessen as you start to improve and life will get better. But remember it does take time, so don’t give up on hope, you can live through this; we’ll do it together!
