Tag: hopeless

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Hope In An Hopeless Situation

                                                         The days turn into months, the months into years and yet here I am still searching for that escape to freedom. Freedom from my own mind. My brain still captured and in bondage of that thing I call Depression. Some weeks seem like freedom is in sight, then that darkness overshadows me again. Giving up would be so easy to do, but where would that get me? So everyday I fight for my life and maybe just one day my fight will end  and my miracle will come. I sat in my doctors office just this week, drowning in a pool of tears;’ I’m just exhausted and tired of fighting’. As he looked helplessly into my dying eyes. My eyes told a story that never could be written. But hope is what keeps me alive, what keeps me moving, what pushes me to never give up.

After 2-3 years of trying practically every type of antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication on the market, every cocktail of drugs, psychotherapy, mindfulness therapy, talk therapy, acupuncture, inpatient assessments, a two month outpatient program at St. Clares Hospital, ECT- Electro Convulsive Therapy and I’m sure the list can go on. It was FINALLY decided that I was treatment resistant; no form of therapy was working. Is there any wonder I could become discouraged and lose hope? But despite everything, I make  the best of every day and try to live above my illness and circumstances.

I still believe that somehow, I am going to overcome this horrible existence that this illness as brought upon me. Treatment resistant or not, I am going to beat this! ‘I will look to the hills from whence cometh my help, my help comes from the Lord who made the Heavens and the Earth’. Its in those moments when I feel I can’t go on, when I have nothing left to fight with; that I have no choices left but to turn to God. It’s those times I find  hope, strength, peace and courage to go on. Many times over the pass few years I had to say, ‘Jesus take the Wheel’ (a song by Carrie Underwood). I can’t do this anymore, Jesus you take my wheel!

Just this week, I was at a very desperate place, a very dark place. I decided to do a little research of my own and see if there was something I was missing; I came across an article (two really, one pertaining to the other) that looked really interesting and hopeful, it was called Trans Cranial Magnetic Stimulation. Then of course I realized it wasn’t available in NL….surprise! But I thought that maybe I would share it with you and make this treatment more aware. And maybe one day, it could become available here; now that’s faith. Check it out:

 

This article was published by The Mayo Clinic, describing the treatment:

Transcranial magnetic stimulation
Overview
Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is a noninvasive procedure that uses magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of depression. TMS is typically used when other depression treatments haven’t been effective.
How it works
During a TMS session, an electromagnetic coil is placed against your scalp near your forehead. The electromagnet painlessly delivers a magnetic pulse that stimulates nerve cells in the region of your brain involved in mood control and depression. And it may activate regions of the brain that have decreased activity in people with depression.
Though the biology of why rTMS works isn’t completely understood, the stimulation appears to affect how this part of the brain is working, which in turn seems to ease depression symptoms and improve mood.
Treatment for depression involves delivering repetitive magnetic pulses, so it’s called repetitive TMS or rTMS.
Mayo Clinic’s approach
Why it’s done
Depression is a treatable condition, but for some people, standard treatments aren’t effective. Repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS) is typically used when standard treatments such as medications and talk therapy (psychotherapy) don’t work.
Risks
Repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS) is a noninvasive form of brain stimulation used for depression. Unlike vagus nerve stimulation or deep brain stimulation, rTMS does not require surgery or implantation of electrodes. And, unlike electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), rTMS doesn’t cause seizures or require sedation with anesthesia.

This article was published a few years ago but obviously nothing was ever done about it:

New depression therapy should be covered in N.L. say doctor, retired nurse
CBC News
December 11, 2015

Trudy Bradbury says her depression was successfully treated with drugs, but many others are not as lucky. (CBC)

A retired nurse from St. John’s and a doctor in Toronto are arguing that a new treatment for depression should be covered by the medical care plan in Newfoundland and Labrador.

“I would ask them to please have a look at this treatment because so many lives depend on it,” said Trudy Bradbury, who worked as a nurse for 34 years, and suffered from depression herself.

“I know how it feels. I experienced it 13 years ago,” said Bradbury.

“I was one of the lucky ones. I responded to medication and was able to return to work within a few weeks.”

She said about one-third of people with depression do not respond to drugs, and now she’s asking the provincial government to pay for a different kind of therapy.

Repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (RTMS) is a treatment that was approved by Health Canada in 2002, and is already covered in Quebec and Saskatchewan.

Re-setting the circuits

Dr. Jonathan Downar, a Toronto psychiatrist who specializes in brain stimulation, said RTMS is effective, with two out of every three patients showing complete or partial improvement.

“It’s a technology that was developed in the 1980s and 90s, where you can stimulate the brain without having to open anything up. So it uses a powerful focused magnetic field to directly activate the neurons of the brain,” he said.

The treatment works by stimulating neurons in the brain. (CBC)
​Downar, who offers RTMS at a private clinic in Toronto, says the treatment costs between $1,500 and $3,000, with patients needing 20 to 30 daily sessions.

“RTMS, it’s like exercise, it isn’t like surgery,” said Downar.

“So when you apply the stimulations, it’s like re-setting the circuits. It’s like when you re-set your watch, after a few months it will gradually creep back to the way it was again.”

Patients need occasional booster sessions, he said, but with proper treatment can stay well for a long time.

“My message to the Newfoundland government is please focus on the new technology that’s out there,” said Trudy Bradbury, who is motivated now by the depression of someone close to her.

She said the cost of running a treatment program in this province, and covering it under MCP is worth it, because patients will be able to go back to work, and lead productive lives.

It’s also an alternative to electroconvulsive (shock) therapy, which has side effects like the loss of short-term memory.

Cost vs benefit

Jonathan Downar said the cost of RTMS is coming down, with research on how to shorten treatments.

He also said it also provides access to care within weeks of being diagnosed with a mental illness.

Jonathan Downar is a Toronto doctor who says the long wait list for one-on-one psychotherapy means other treatments have to be offered. (CBC)
“We will never have enough psychotherapists do one-on-one therapy for patients,” he said.

“So we have to figure out a way to use our existing supply of physicians and other mental health workers to see larger numbers of people, while preserving quality treatment … to provide good psychiatric care for everybody who needs it, not just for the lucky ones who make it through the wait lists.”

Post-traumatic stress disorders and other conditions could also be treated with RTMS, said Downar.

“It’s being explored for addiction to tobacco and to alcohol and to other substances. And it’s also being used in some cases for OCD and eating disorders.”

Downar said the magnetic stimulation therapy should soon be approved for funding in Ontario. Alberta is also considering it, but in Atlantic Canada the only facility is at Dalhousie University.

Bradbury said she met with health officials in the Paul Davis government to make her pitch, but got no commitment.

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A Detour In Lauren’s Journey

The doctor’s voice pierced our ears with news we did not want to hear. News that we were not expecting to hear but here he was saying theses awful, hopeless words. It was Lauren’s week of intense therapy that just so happen to fall on the same week has her Cerebral Palsy Clinic, this is where we meet with all her team; the orthopedic surgeon, neurologist, pediatrician and the rehabilitation team. We sort of had ourselves somewhat prepared for the week because we knew some things weren’t going right with Lauren. As it is with Cerebral Palsy, every day is different and each  day brings new challenges. 

To begin the day we sat in the assessment room waiting for Lauren’s Orthopedic Surgeon to enter the room, wanting to lock the door and not have to listen to what he was going to say. We suspected that something wasn’t right with Lauren’s already troubled hip, she said  ‘it hurt’. She already  had reconstructive surgery done on her left hip, but we were expecting the problem was with her partially dislocated right hip. The doctor entered and the look on his face was not good. He knew what our aim and goal was for Lauren; which was a rhizotomy  surgery in Montreal and both hips were required to be in perfect working order. The rhizotomy surgery was our one and only earthly hope of Lauren ever having any form of mobility outside a wheelchair.  We looked at him and said, “you have bad news”.  He did not deny it, but why couldn’t he, it was what we wanted; to be wrong. 

He looked at us with a defeated, hopeless and helpless look and said, “the left hip that she had repaired is totally out of socket again.” The left hip?  That one was repaired, we thought the pain she was complaining in was from the hip that wasn’t done. And he said,”the right hip is 50% out of socket.” So where does that leave us; we need two good hips to even be considered for the rhizotomy in Montreal. And now neither hip is in good standing. “There is nothing else we can do here at the Janeway for Lauren, get her to the Shriners Hospital as soon as possible.” From his standpoint Lauren would be confined to a wheelchair and we would need to start accepting that fact. Our hopes were crushed, the only hope we had was now gone. We cried our way through the process because here we were looking at a little four year old girl who’s greatest hope was to walk. “But I want to walk Mommy”, “But I want to walk Daddy”, “It hurts”, “I want to do it”.

We just wanted to go home, but first we had to see the Neurologist because her seizures were still not under control. Nothing was working, medication was only making her sleep more often. So we waited for the neurologist to plead for help to stop the seizures. Our fear with her having so many seizures was that more brain damage would be done and that we did not want to happen. Lauren is so intelligent and bright and we want to keep it that way.  Her neurologist said, “there is no quick fix, no cure, just trial and error.” So now we try another medication and “please God” this would and will work.

Lauren’s physiotherapist came in while we were preparing to leave and we told her we just needed to go home and to cancel the remaining appointments for the week. We thank all the team for their concern and support, they really do care and love Lauren. But we just had to go home and let all of this just sink in and deal with the hurt and feeling of loss and hopelessness. There is a grieving process that goes along with this traumatic news.

We arrived home and just sat and looked at each other; defeated! Once the initial shock had worn off, it was, “okay what do we do next?” Get in contact with the Shriners  Hospital in Montreal. So Lisa called Lauren’s doctor there and left a message to get back to us as soon as possible. While Lisa was doing this, I was sitting on the sofa playing with Lauren, when my phone rang. Hello, the man said, my daughter received a text today about a little girl who the Janeway had given some bad news and that she needed to get to the Shriner’s Children’s Hospital in Montreal as soon as possible. He said, “is any of this making any sense to you?” To which I said , “yes, I sent the text to eight of my siblings today to inform them of our devastating news concerning Lauren, who is our four years old little girl who has cerebral palsy. Well he said, “this is no coincidence, but divine intervention, because I’m a Shriner and I will do whatever I can to get your little girl to Montreal. My heart leaped within me, when I felt so low, angry and no hope in sight; God had sent us a sign that He is right by our side and it’s going to be okay. This was no coincidence. What are the chances that this text and I have no idea how it could have been sent to her; I only sent eight texts and they were all to my siblings, so how could this girl, who’s father just so happened to be a Shriner from Gander, receive my text, it was nothing short of a miracle. And my texts were all out of province. God will move, He will intervene.

So after such a stressful and defeating day, God had intervened once again. Sometimes it’s in the little things, when our faith was so small and we had more questions than answers ; God was still working on our behalf. So if you are reading this and you are discouraged, hurt, going through the storm of your life, in the valley of despair; God is there, He will intervene, just never give up! “He may be four days late but He is still on time.”