Tag: harris

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8 Things That Plague My Life Because Of Mental Illness

Mental illness, like any other illness, brings with it many changes and things that we have to cope with on a day to day basis. We have to take these changes and learn to live with them and not allow them to consume our every moment. If at all possible, we have to accept them and realize that no matter what happens we can live, in spite of everything.

  1. Completing a task that once seemed so simple. Most simple task that we all perform on a daily basis, we don’t even think about; we just do them.  Driving on the highway (something I haven’t done for 6 years now) the fear itself paralyzes me. Every task that I perform I will now replay over and over in my mind.
  2. Being unable to work. “Not working, I do not work, I cannot work.” Now that makes me angry; I worked for 28 years and loved it (most times). It now makes me feel so worthless. I wish I could, there’s nothing I need more, both for my mental health and for the income that we so desperately need. It seems so simple but for me it seems impossible. 
  3. Fatigue! Whether from my medication, mental fatigue or just plain exhaustion from fighting to be okay. Tiredness is an everyday occurrence that controls what you can or can’t do in  your day.
  4. Isolating! Days when you feel like hiding away or not coming out of your bedroom (but that’s not an option for me). Sometimes you just want to hide “YOU” from the world or vice versa
  5. .’Zoning Out’. I’ll just kind of withdraw from a conversation I was holding and zone out, unblinking, staring blankly at nothing. Maybe sitting in a room of people and totally separating yourself from everyone and everything in the room and creating your space in your mind.
  6. Sighing!  Everyone thinks I’m angry or frustrated all of the time, when really I’m just exhausted and overwhelmed. And sighing is just a release of negative energy.
  7. Losing my “Train of Thought”. I can lose my train of thought mid-sentence and often forget very common words. My mind just goes blank and I fumble for the word. Many times I have to be reminded of where I was and what I was talking about. This could be both frustrating and humiliating.
  8. Memory! I believe we can all forget things at one time or another. But for me there are blocks of my life that I forgot. Details that I can never recall. A song that once I probably knew every word; I now have to trust to writing the words on paper because I cannot depend on my memory anymore. Maybe it’s best I do not remember some things, maybe I don’t remember for a reason.

These are just a few things that my illness as plagued my life with, there are many more. But I have tried, to the best of my ability, to live above my illness. It’s one moment, one hour and one day at a time; it’s what we have. We cannot live in the past, we cannot dwell on the future but we can live for the moment!

 

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Through The Fire

May I be real, honest and truthful? Why do I feel the need to be  honest? Why can’t I for once tell you a lie? And my answers, why can’t they be what I would love them to be? Why do they have to be what I so don’t want them to be? Why? Why? Why?

The day is saturated with sunshine and beauty on this Saturday morning. God’s creation is alive and in full bloom; the trees, flowers and even the grass, expresses the awesomeness of God’s handiwork. This is what my eyes see.

But no matter what I see with my eyes, I cannot deny what I feel mentally and on the inside. But  God I’ve been in this storm long enough, please stretch forth your hand and speak, “Peace be still”. I’ve passed through the waters, I’ve walked through fire and at times I feel  I’m drowning and times when I feel I’m consumed by the flames. But please remind again of your promise to me that, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze” Isaiah 43:2 NIV. But Lord, why do I feel like I’m drowning, burning with this storm? My mental illness still sweeps over me like a river, it’s flames consumes me like a raging forest fire. But my faith still looks up to you, my trust is still in you. Please remind me dear Lord, that you are in control and you won’t let me/us go.

There’s a song that The Crabb Family sings, Through the Fire; that really sums up what I’m feeling and trying so desperately to express.

Through the Fire
The Crabb Family
So many times I question the certain circumstances
And things I could not understand.
Many times in trials my weakness blurs my vision
And that’s when my frustration gets so out of hand.
It’s then I am reminded, I’ve never been forsaken.
I’ve never had to stand one test alone.
As I look at all the victories, the Spirit rises up in me.
And It’s through the fire my weakness is made strong.
He never promised that the cross would not get heavy
And the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered a victory without fighting.
He said help would always come in time.
Just remember when you’re standing in the valley of decision
And the advisory says give in, Just hold on.
Our Lord will show up (Yeah)
And He will take you through the fire again
I know within myself that I would surly perish
If I trust the hand of God, He’ll shield the flame again.
He never promised that the cross would not get heavy
And the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered a victory without fighting.
He said help would always come in time.
Just remember when you’re standing in the valley of decision
And the advisory says give in, Just hold on.
Our Lord will show up (Yeah)
And He will take you through the fire again
Just hold on
Our Lord will show up (Yeah)
And He will take you through the fire again.
So, yes, I’m walking through the fire; but I’m walking. We live our lives with so much uncertainty, it’s not black or white for us. Lauren’s cerebral palsy alone has brought so much heartache and questions that it could literally break the heart of God.
Lauren was sitting on the sofa this morning, doing her ‘homework’. Then she ask me to bring her to her bed and as I’m carrying her, my heart is breaking. She has no mobility whatsoever and every step she makes, we make them for her. I was once again reminded of her limitations.
It’s such a beautiful day and i just want her to run outside and play. I don’t even envy other children or wish for Lauren what they have, I just want what’s best for Lauren. And today sadness and heartache ravishes my body for her sake. Only us and God really knows what’s in store for Lauren and its a long, hard road. Today I’m a little angry, maybe angry that I’m so helpless and there’s so much that’s out of our control. I just want to fix her; and maybe she’s not broken at all. Maybe it’s me that really needs to be fixed but I can’t even do anything about that.
One morning this week, Lauren wanted to pick a promise for Daddy from the promise box we have nestled on the side table. Maybe she knew I needed to be reminded of God’s faithfulness. The promise is taken from Jeremiah 29:11. “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. Oh to have the faith of a child.
Today I will pray for strength, wisdom and guidance. So when I am going through deep waters and rivers, when I walk through the fire; may I have the assurance that I am not alone and He has a plan already sat in motion to give me hope and a future. In Him will I trust; even “Through the Fire”.
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The Cold, Hard Truth About Mental Illness, Depression and Suicide

  1. II thank God for social media because it gives me a voice, a means to tell my story to others who need to hear it.

Up until recently, I thought that society had come a long way when it comes to the way people look at mental  illness and suicide. I thought the walls of stigma and ignorance (not knowing) had come down somewhat. And maybe they have to a certain point but we have such a long way to go.

You may ask, why would you go on such a public forum and talk about something so stigmatised and controversial? A topic many would not even talk about because of fear and shame. Well, I have nothing to fear, nothing to be ashamed of and if I can help save the life of one person; it would make it all worth while. So I speak out once again!

To the person who is suffering in silence, you are not alone. There is hope and peace to be found again. I struggle with this everyday, but I see light through the cracks, glimmers of hope in the depths of despair. We can and will; ‘rise again’!

I don’t get up in the morning and say, “I think I’ll have a crappy day today, that would be so much fun”. NO! I awake with panic, a flow of an hot sensation all through my body, accompanied by fear. I get up and struggle through most of the day, hoping this will be a “good day”. It is not “a choice” as some would say or think. Your broken mind is misfiring and happy thoughts don’t come naturally. The chemical imbalance in your brain causes you to see darkness, hopelessness, helplessness and constant negative thoughts that a “normal” brain would not feel. Don’t get excited and think you’re normal – there is no such thing; we all have something, none of us are perfect.

Then there’s the “myth” that it’s the devil making you feel this way. Well let’s not give the devil so much credit! This is not a spiritual battle going on in my head, no more then someone with cancer fighting a spiritual battle, they are fighting an illness and so are people with a mental diagnosis. Yes, I believe as sin entered the world, so did sickness. It’s far beyond my mental ability to understand the “WHY?” I don’t know why God allows this to happen, why I’m sick, why some die by  suicide, why some have cancer and the list goes on. But God’s ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. We cannot see the big picture because our thinking is so small compared to that of an all knowing God. And that’s where I leave it; to God! It’s not for me to say or judge, that’s His department. I just need to trust that He knows best.

Then there’s suicide. What? You are going to talk about suicide? Yes, indeed I am. The ancient myths, lies, opinions and beliefs about suicide are sickening and primitive. It’s time to open our mouths (we use it for everything else) and our eyes, minds, and hearts. I am/was borderline suicidal, when I was at the acute stage of my illness. I prayed to God to just let me die and end all this pain and torment. I could not come to do it myself, not that I’m any stronger then the next person but I believe God as another plan for me and that’s why I’m still here. To be an advocate, a voice; to help others and their caregivers and to give insight on what this illness really is all about. Some statements that I have heard over the years are: 1. If they took their own life, they must be going to hell. 2. That is such a selfish thing to do. 3. They could not have thought about their family and the impact it would have on them. These statements would definitely come from someone who has no idea, no knowledge about the illness and never walked in their shoes.

First of all, the pain and torment that this illness brings is unbearable and you feel the only escape, the only way out is suicide. You see no hope, only a dark tunnel with no light at the end. You get so desperate and so tired of fighting, until all your strength is gone; you have nothing left but flesh and bones, no ability to reason. Thus death is your only way to find peace. Also this is not a selfish act or cowardly way out as some would say but quite the opposite. It is a way to relieve your caregivers of the burden you have brought into their lives. It’s a way to free them of the worry, pain and suffering you have afflicted on them. So you are convinced that they would be better off without you. You are doing them a favour. For those of you who have suffered a lost of a loved one, know now that they are finally at peace and they did this to free themselves and you of this horrible, horrific disease. Do not be ashamed or angry; it was their illness that made them do this. The real person that they were, is now at peace with the angels and are watching over you from afar.

I hope in some small way I have shed some light on this so misunderstood and complicated disease. May we all find compassion, love and forgiveness and  look at mental illness in an whole new light. And may we never be quick to pass judgement on anyone suffering with a mental illness, until we’ve walked a mile in their shoes. May God open our minds and hearts to be our “brothers keeper”.