Let me go for just five minutes, let the fetters that bind me be loosed. Let me feel that I’m okay, and not as fragile as what I feel. If I go outside my comfort zone, I won’t fall apart. What’s it like to feel ‘normal’; I can’t remember.
The day wants me to just run and run; destination unknown. There is no where I can go to escape my tumultuous mind and find relief. Sleep helps but even in my sleep, my dreams haunt me with unforgettable terror. And in my subconscious mind I know I have to awake; awake to face the fears of another day.
The Goliaths of the day seem so defeating, I have no ammunition to fight back. I’ve been beaten down once too many times. My Goliath says, ‘stay down, don’t get up.’ But I can’t give up, there are those who depend on me, I have to keep fighting, to keep going. How many times do you have to be near defeat before you just give up and say, ‘I’ve had enough?’ The Goliaths of the day are not just my illness but in my family has an whole.
This battlefield in my mind, isn’t about my spirituality but my broken mind. A mind that is frightened to death, too afraid of living but even more fearful of dying. So I’m caught in the middle, in limbo, not really living life to it’s full potential but dying a slow torturous death. But wanting life, wanting purpose, wanting to feel human.
I remember those days when my mind and body were so sick, I just wanted to die. My brain was shut down and thus my body couldn’t function either. I was sick of trying medications that were of no benefit, giving me no reprieve, no hope. ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) had diminished what little brain function I had left. When ECT failed, medications weren’t alleviating my symptoms, counselling and psychotherapy were not earth shattering but nothing that could really free my dying mind.
Life as never been the same and in all likelihood will never be the same again. We have experienced many life altering traumas. Every day of my journey of living with a mental illness, is a constant battle; a war that never ends. But learning to live with this broken mind is my only hope of surviving. I can put no dependence in the medical field to cure me (there is no cure) or even come close, nor do I expect someone else to take my pain.
Most days I feel I’m surviving because I have an hope in my Creator and there are days when I feel nothing at all. But it’s those days that I hope in God that I feel I will survive this. I feel sad for people who are in my situation and suffer from a mental illness and have no hope at all. Where do they go? What do they do? Who do they turn to? I have hope because I have to believe there is a greater power then myself. And He will see me through, even when I feel hopeless, when I feel helpless, when I feel all alone, when I feel defeated. I do have the hope that He is there with me and that keeps me going; one day at a time.
Many may say, ‘but you are a born again Christian. Why or how can you be feeling this way?’ It’s because when you become Christian you are not exempt from sickness. Jesus didn’t promise a life without trials and tribulations; what He did promise was to be with us through these storms and hardships. So I have to have faith that He is with me at all times, even when I am having a really bad day. Others may be thinking,’ but you have a beautiful family; a wife and two beautiful children. I do and I love them dearly but I also have an illness. For those who just don’t get it, that’s okay, maybe one day you will fall into the pit of depression and then you will know what I’m talking about, but I would not wish that for you; but none of us are exempt. It’s because I have a wonderful family that I fight so hard to be well. If I had cancer, I would do the same. I would fight with everything I have in me to beat it. But sometimes we can fight and feel like we are loosing the battle.
Many days I live in fear that I would have a relapse. But I try not to dwell on the ‘what if’s’ but live by faith, that the mercy and grace of God will see me through. Romans 8:37 ‘In all these things we are more then conquerors through Him that loved us’. So, I am a conqueror, I will fight, I will not give up! If you are reading this and you are suffering and in pain, let me encourage you today to put your trust and faith in the God who cannot fail.
The days turn into months, the months into years and yet here I am still searching for that escape to freedom. Freedom from my own mind. My brain still captured and in bondage of that thing I call Depression. Some weeks seem like freedom is in sight, then that darkness overshadows me again. Giving up would be so easy to do, but where would that get me? So everyday I fight for my life and maybe just one day my fight will end and my miracle will come. I sat in my doctors office just this week, drowning in a pool of tears;’ I’m just exhausted and tired of fighting’. As he looked helplessly into my dying eyes. My eyes told a story that never could be written. But hope is what keeps me alive, what keeps me moving, what pushes me to never give up.
