Tag: Depression

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Because He Lives I Can Face Today

I awakened with that ever abiding voice of depression. I pushed myself out of bed, not because I was lazy and didn’t want to get out but I was paralyzed, disabled by my broken mind. The thoughts of facing the day scared me to death. How can I do this again?  Can’t this just stop, can’t I just live a ‘normal’ life for a change. I dragged myself to the kitchen table with my caffeine fix in my hand and threw myself onto the chair. My head was in a total fog. I looked at my wife and said, “Can’t I just have one good day?’ But I knew it wasn’t going to be today. To wake up every morning and have this overwhelming weight of the world on my shoulders, I was exhausted even before my day began.

We just celebrated the Easter season, a time of victory, joy and celebration for the Christian. A time when Jesus provided for all humanity the only way to the Father, that being the shedding of His blood. Romans 10:9 ‘If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shall believe in thine heart that God hath raised Him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.’ Having a mental illness has taken away the ability for me to fully experience the joyous feeling of the resurrection but I have learned that I now live by what I ‘know’, not what I ‘feel’. 2 Timothy 1:12 ‘For I ‘KNOW’ whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day’.

It’s very difficult for me to sing the song, ‘Because He lives I can face tomorrow. Because He lives all fear is gone.’ I would be lying if I said there were times that I am not fearful. Because there are times I am fearful.  I’m fearful of my mental illness and what it can do to me and my family, the fear of a total relapse of my illness, the fear of Lauren’s ever changing health, not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring forth. But I try not to let my thoughts go to tomorrow. I live one day at a time and this morning the thought came to me and it’s pertaining to this song, ‘Because He Lives.’ But for me , who lives with a broken mind, I can say with confidence, ‘Because He lives I can face today’. We are not promised tomorrow so I try not to go there but live today; one minute, one hour, one day at a time. This I know to be true!

I know there are so many out there who feel they can’t go on, life is too much, God wouldn’t have anything to do with me. Don’t believe that, God takes us just as we are, in our brokenness , our messed up minds, our addictions, our broken marriages, our hurts, our abuse, our fears; He takes us just as we are. When we feel we’re a nobody, a nothing, useless, ugly, unlovable human being; He loves us. We are never alone, even when we feel God is nowhere to be found (I know the feeling, I won’t lie), He is right there, standing somewhere in the shadows you’ll find Jesus. He’s the one who always cares and understands. When others have turned their backs on us and we feel all alone, He is there. “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you”.

You may ask, ‘why do I bring God into the picture when it comes to my mental illness?’ Because I believe the first step to any level of recovery is, we have to admit to ourselves that we have an illness and that we are powerless over it. This is one battle that we cannot fight alone. That is why we need to turn to a Power greater then ourselves, to help us survive this hellish illness. Much like the second step in the AA Program for alcohol addiction. As with any other chronic or terminal illness, we need to turn to a spiritual power that is able to strengthen and walk us through our journey. It’s then we realize that we are not in control, in our own strength we could never make it. Let’s just put things into perspective; when we know we have no where else to turn and we are at a dead end; I believe we quickly realize who we have to turn to. And guess what? He’s there waiting; waiting for you! God is not he enemy, He’s the answer. No matter where you’ve been, no matter what you’ve done, God loves you!

In spite of my constant fight to survive this battlefield in my mind, I still live my best life with what I have and not dwell on what I don’t have. Hoping that today will be a better day and one day I will find peace again, peace of mind.

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I’m Just Tired

I’ve stated before in previous blogs that writing is therapy, there is a sense of unloading your mind of your ugly thoughts. So if that’s the case, I better start writing because my mind is in a scary place. I want to run, run for my life but where would that bring me? At a dead end! I need to write not just for me but for those who don’t have a voice, those who are screaming in silence. I write to help others understand to some degree; the horrors of this disease and to emphasize that this is a disease, an illness. And that it’s a very dangerous one at that and should never be taken lightly.

Those who suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks and other mental illness know all too well the disabling and crippling effects of this illness. Mental illness has the power to destroy and kill lives. And that is why medical attention is a must to survive this illness. Medication and other therapies may not be a cure but they certainly aid in coping with a mental illness and give hope to an illness that seems hopeless. An illness that destroys your will to live. That would be the most important statement that I could write that would sum up this illness called depression. It’s so important I think I need to repeat it again, ‘An illness that destroys your will to live.’ I know because I have been there many times.

Now here I am in the middle of a second wave of covid-19; a province in lockdown, a province in panic, a province in uncertainty. And here I am fighting to get through each day, with a virus that is playing havoc on my mind. My mental illness doesn’t do well in the best of times but throw a pandemic into my already out of control world and it makes for some really rough days. Try has I must to carry on, to live a normal life as possible. And so many days I fail, I just can’t rise above this illness, some days it wins. Days when fatigue takes over, tired of fighting, days when you just don’t want to participate in life anymore. Just getting through the day is a gigantic accomplishment. No matter how hard you try to be positive, to be happy, to live; you cannot force what is not there. I came across this quote today and it really sums up the kind of day I was having. “When people ask, ‘are you okay?’ And you say, ‘I’m just tired’. Yeah. Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of coping, tired of existing, tired of breathing, tired of living. I’m just done.”

Yet deep down inside I know I’m not done. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will keep trying, I will keep hoping, I will keep coping, I will keep existing, I will keep breathing, I will keep living. I will not give up. I cannot give up. I will find a way. Although today my depression told me otherwise but I will not listen, I will turn a deaf ear and keep fighting. No matter how rough the day, no matter the burden that I bare, the weight that I carry, I will not give up. Please help me God!

The reality of this illness is there is no cure. I cannot change that  no more then a person with cancer can change their illness. But we fight to live the best life we can with what we have. And many times that just doesn’t seem like very much. Days when it takes all that is within us to just move, days when we just want to hide from the world; when we feel so inadequate, impatient and lost. Sometimes I know I’m too hard on myself, when really I should give myself a little credit. I am a survivor and so are you! 

 

 

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Covid19 And My Mental Health

Will the ‘restrictions’ of Covid19 kill me before Covid19 does? Don’t get me wrong I know we have to abide by these restrictions and they are put in place for our good, for our protection. And I will follow these restrictions for myself and also for the safety of others.

But having said that, coming from someone who suffers from a mental illness; how am I going to survive? Because right now I have days where I feel I am loosing the battle. Every restriction that is in place are restrictions that trigger my depression and anxiety. I believe this pandemic is difficult even for someone who has good mental health. But those who suffer mental illness; this caged, confined, imprisoned pandemic, would make one worry and wonder if you can survive this hellish existence.

I have no problem in wearing a facemask, I believe it’s the selfless thing to do; if it makes us a little uncomfortable, I think we can tolerate that, especially if it meant protecting someone who is autoimmune comprised or vulnerable. Sometimes we just have to do the right thing and wear a mask, if not for ourselves, then do it for others. I know there are some who just cannot wear a mask because of medical reasons and therefore they have a medical exemption from their doctor. I do believe these people should really limit their outings around others. One for their own protection and two, for the protection of everyone else. To my disbelief there are still those who just blatantly refuse to wear it. Their reasoning; they just don’t want to live their life in ‘fear’. I think sometimes we need a little healthy fear and abide by the restrictions that the Health Care Professionals put in place for our protection. I believe that someone who refuses to wear a mask are just being selfish, careless and inconsiderate of others. I certainly don’t feel that all those who are wearing a mask are living in fear but they just have a lot of common sense. So I will ‘suck it up’ and wear my mask without complaint, it’s the least I can do.

I know right now the media, example ‘Bell Let’s Talk’, are encouraging those who are finding the stress and anxiety of the  pandemic is affecting their mental health and they are finding life very difficult. And I totally agree, talking is great therapy and is certainly a means to help each other through these tough days. But I guess there are sometimes, exceptions to every rule. Just yesterday, I was having a really tough day, how I was feeling was unexplainable but it was not good. I was desperately fighting to just cope, to just survive the day. And talking to someone was the last thing I wanted to do; I just wanted to close the door on everyone and just crawl inside myself. I know this was not right but talking wasn’t on the top of my list of coping. So, don’t do as I do but do as I say and talk to someone!

I believe the most trigger provoking restriction of this whole pandemic is, social distancing/living in a bubble.  Not being able to spend time with friends and not having a social life is just killing me. The things that once I took for granted, I now crave to do. Just being able to go to the grocery store and smile at the passing customers or stopping and having a chat to a friend we just bumped into. And then just not being able to hug those we meet. Those little things aren’t little anymore, they play havoc on our mental health, even when we don’t realize they are. But for me, getting out, socializing, interacting with others, sharing with others, were all therapy for my mental health. Those were things I desperately craved to help bring me through my dark days. But because of this pandemic I am very limited to what I can do.

We are so blessed here in Newfoundland and Labrador compared to others parts of Canada and the World. But we certainly can’t afford to let our guard down. It’s because of our abiding to the restrictions of Covid19, that I believe have helped to flatten the curve and keep our numbers down. So thanks to our Government and Health Care Professionals for doing such an amazing job. I believe our protection and well being were their top priority and they have to be commended.

One day, hopefully, we will be able to look back on this nightmare and thank God that it did not kill us but we survived. My heart goes out to the tens of thousands that have died because of this deadly virus; worldwide. To those we will never forget, to the families who are still grieving their loss, beyond sad! Even to this very day, we are far from being home free! Still this pandemic sweeps through the earth and taking thousands of lives with it. One day, just one day, maybe just CA one day, we will be free again. I believe we will never be the same again, in this generation, but we will learn once again to live a ‘New Normal’.

 

 

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War of the Mind

It’s been months now since I have written a blog, July 25,2020 to be exact (www.harrislisa72.com). I just felt there was nothing else to say. Not sure if that meant I had written all I needed to write about mental illness or if my illness had built a roadblock in my mind. A wall that I could not break through, maybe more the latter.

I became a prisoner in my own mind. So many things that I found enjoyment in, things that were not just  hobbies for me but life saving therapy. I wanted so desperately to engage in again but I could not, although I yearned within me to be able. But I just could not. I felt myself spiralling down that dark hole of depression. But I knew I had to rescue myself from that crippling, disabling hole of  despair. But how? It felt that my thought process could not function to come up with a plan. I couldn’t write anymore, words could  not describe what I was  feeling. The one thing that brought me some healing therapy, I felt I couldn’t do anymore; blogging! And thus months went by and I didn’t blog my thoughts. I was frozen in time; speechless.

Everything seemed so overwhelming again. The things in reality that were so small to perform, now seemed like a mountain, a mountain I felt I just could not climb. Days went by and I fought to make each one matter. Some  days I did better then others. I was in survival mode. And survive I did, in spite of what my broken mind was telling me.

Many associate mental illness with weakness but I have learned over the years that people with a mental illness are some of the strongest people I know. I am strong (if I  weren’t, I would never survive this hellish disease of the mind) but I am tired. I’m tired of fighting just to be okay, something maybe that others know nothing about. But I know there are others out there that know and feel exactly what I’m saying.

We live in a world where we are expected to be happy and positive all the time. If we show our true self, our true feelings, then we are viewed as being different and strange. And of course this is where stigma, prejudice and discrimination comes in. But it’s perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared or anxious. Having these feelings doesn’t make you a ‘negative person’. It makes you human. So I guess I’m human after all because I have certainly dealt with all these feelings. Being depressed doesn’t mean you are negative, it means you are not okay, your ‘happy’ is just not there.

I won’t lie to you and tell you life is easy, it’s not. And when you have a mental illness, everything in life is intensified to the extreme. Just going to the grocery store requires so much mental energy, you have to push yourself out the door. Your mind is telling you; you can’t do this. But you know you have to because if you surrender to your thoughts then your illness will consume you. And you eventually would become ‘paralyzed’ and be forever controlled by your thoughts.

So let’s fight this battle together, we are not alone. You can do this, I can do this. Do I always win this war of the mind, of course not, I’m human. There are days when I have no choice but to give in. But there’s one thing I know, I will not give up! When those really rough days come, I remind myself that I can get through this; one second, one minute, one hour at a time. Remember to be kind to yourself, you are worth it and  so am I!

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A Little Nudge

Months, weeks, days have passed, like a feather in the wind; here one second, gone the next. It’s like I went in hiding and I guess in one way I did. I loss interest and motivation in everything, anything I did was forced. Mental illness raised it’s ugly head and held me in it’s grip and wouldn’t let me go.

I had a therapy plan, a plan that I created to help me through the days of depression and anxiety. It certainly wasn’t a cure but for the most part it worked or helped at least. With depression and anxiety, you don’t pick and choose what day or days you are not going to be well; it just happens! Some days are fairly good while others could be torturous. And then there are those times when you just shut down, as it were.

I painted for sanity sake but what brought me peace turned into turmoil. I couldn’t hold my brush and still can’t but I know I will again, when the time is right. But right now painting is just too overwhelming. Ironic isn’t it, what once brought me peace and enjoyment; now scares me to death. This is what I call; mental illness!

Another part of my homemade therapy plan was, I played two fictional characters; live on Facebook. I loved it, it was fun, I enjoyed making others laugh. And I believe it took all our minds off the dreaded pandemic of the corona virus, that had shut down our world. But then, just like a light went out, I couldn’t do it anymore. No matter how much I wanted to perform; I couldn’t. Depression destroys who you are and you have very little control over it. I fought everyday and still fighting to keep going. With this illness there is no rest for the weary; you are in a constant battle to have some form of normalcy. But some days I just don’t win; I trust.

And lastly, my therapy plan included writing my blog (www.harrislisa72.com). Today is the first time I’ve held my pen for weeks or maybe months. I had so much to say, so much hurt to release, so much discouragement to share but I could not! The pain I felt could not be written. But today I feel it’s time to write. There are so many that are hurting, in pain and feel alone. I just want to encourage you that you can get through whatever it is you are experiencing today.  Our pain and tribulations may be great but ‘God is Greater!’

Over the years of struggling with this illness, I’ve had many reasons to give up, to give in and just call it quits. But I have not, with God’s help. I’m reminded many days of Job’s wife in Job 2:9 when she said to Job after he had endured many afflictions, losses, tribulations. She said, ‘…curse God, and die.’ But Job’s reply was, no matter what he had to endure; he said, ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.’ So no matter what we are experiencing, no matter how long we’ve been afflicted; we still have to trust in Him. He will bring us through.

I believe that God could have healed me a thousand times over but He didn’t choose to. He has another plan, something I cannot see, but that’s what having trust is; placing my life in His hands, knowing that He is in control. Because God as allowed me to go on in my illness for years, I have reason to be angry, to feel abandoned, forsaken and to question God. But I know that I cannot feel this way, it would serve no purpose and destroy the faith that I do have.  So no matter what happens I will still trust in Him and I will endure onto the end.

Then to add fuel to the fire the worldwide pandemic, the corona virus or covid-19, invaded the world. Now I knew I was in real trouble, anyone suffering from mental illness, any major change could bring on a relapse or intensify, your already existing symptoms. Then came the guidelines by the NL Government to contain and stop the spread of this deadly virus. Some of these guidelines were the complete opposite of what I needed to help keep my mental health under control. The guidelines that bothered me the most was, ‘stay home’ limiting contact with others to my immediate household bubble. I know all of the guidelines were for my good but for me it brought on panic, fear  and isolation. And then there was social distancing, I love touch, hugging and here I was being told to keep my distance of six feet. This was rough and is still rough today because this nightmare is not over, no matter how much we think it is.

I pray my blogs are, an encouragement and a little nudge to go on. I know there are so many days that going on is the last thing we feel like doing. No matter what your pain is, no matter what you are going through; you got this! As tough as it is, you can do it!

 

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A Bad Day

The sound of morning whispers in my ears. I don’t want to hear it’s haunting sounds because I know before my eyes open that this is going to be a not so good day, in other words, a bad day! Lord, how can I cope with another mesmerizing day; exhaustion and fatigue weigh heavily on my whole being. Brain fog, envelopes my whole head and every thought as to pass through a cloud of dense fog. The fog distorts each thought and nothing makes sense. I’m going to have a bad day (that’s not speculating) and yet the day hasn’t  begun.

But maybe this once I’ll be wrong; I wish that were the case. But I know before my eyes open, what my day will be. It doesn’t matter if everything that happens today is positive and good; that will not change how I’m feeling. My mental illness dictates what the day will be. I have no real way to describe what this illness feels like because there are no words that can really do it justice. If you have read my blog at www.harrislisa72.com, you’ll know I have practically used every word in the English language to try and describe how this mental illness feels. And I may come close but it seems impossible to describe something that you cannot touch. Much like an artist trying to capture an evening sunset; but doing so with eyes closed.

It’s one of the most difficult things I have to do; to admit that I’m having a bad day. A bad day brings with it, much emotional distress, now for a fifty-five year  old man to admit that there is literally water/tears running from my eyes.,  takes courage and strength. I have no desire to do anything and what I do, takes much effort. And then there is the shame that comes with  having a bad day. Having to admit to others that you are having a not so good day, can be embarrassing and shameful. But it’s all part of the illness; it is what it is.;

The past several weeks have been horrible, a nightmare in itself. Something from a Stephen King horror movie. The world was introduced to ‘the virus’ that basically shut down the world. The outbreak originated in China and spread from there. As of March 13, 2020, there were nearly 148,000 cases globally and more than 81,000 cases in China, with cases in every continent except Antarctica. Scientists are continuing to study the virus and work on treatments, including a vaccine. The actual name of the virus is covid19 or coronavirus. All our lives have been turned upside down and forever changed. We had to learn a new language as it were; new words were introduced on a daily basis. Such terminology as; social distancing, self isolation, pandemic, asymptomatic (no symptoms),symptomatic (exhibiting symptoms), flattening the curve, bubble, double bubble, etc.. This one thing we know and that is, Covid19 is a pandemic that as touched us all, not just Canada, but the world. On May 7,2020 the total cases of covid19 in Canada was 63,895.

When you suffer from mental illness; any extra stress or change in your life, can trigger and bring to life  many symptoms of my illness. The pass few weeks have been no doubt, very challenging,  unpredictable and uncertain due to the coronavirus. It has certainly taken it’s toll on my mental health. For our protection against this virus, the  Government as implemented various guidelines to stop the spread of the virus. I know these guidelines are for our own good but for someone suffering from a mental illness, some of these restrictions are exactly what we have been told by our own physicians, not to do, in order to improve our own mental health. An example of this would be to ; stay home, self distancing and self isolation. To which I totally carry out, but it sure as played havoc on my mental well being. When trying to improve your mental health, isolation is not something we need. We are encouraged to be around people, to get out of the house as much as possible. But this virus as  kept us from doing just that and therefore it can increase our depression and anxiety. Virtual media helps but it certainly isn’t the same as human touch and personal interaction. But I totally understand that we have to follow the guidelines set out for us, in order to stop the spread of this pandemic.

It’s evening now, the darkness of the night wraps me like a warm, cozy blanket. Night is my friend, my time of reprieve, my escape. I have fought my battles of the day and survived. But this doesn’t happen without a price, fatigue and exhaustion leave me lifeless. Medication aids in closing my weary eyes and shutting down my tormented mind. I pray for peace and calm as I drift off into another world.

 

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I Pressed On!

A very dear friend sent me this post today which says, ‘If you rearrange the letters in Depression, you’ll get ; “I Pressed On”. Little did she know how desperately I needed to be reminded of that; ‘Your current situation is NOT your final destination.’ And then in her own words she wrote; ‘You have been pressing on! The rewards for you are just up ahead! Hugs. I believe this was no coincidence but God’s reminder to me that I will make it through this storm.

It’s been several weeks now and I have been pressing on, but barely. My depression, like any other illness, sometimes gets the better of me and I get so scared that this time I’m not going to make it. That my strength, my fuel is going to run out and just like a car; I cannot run on an empty tank. And to describe it best, that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling; like I’m running on an empty tank. I have used up every ounce of strength, energy and will power that I have left. Today I awakened with panic, if you haven’t experienced what a panic attack is, then be thankful, very thankful. It paralyzes and disables every part of your body. But I know I can’t let it, so ‘I Press On’. I force my legs over the side of the bed and let my feet hit the floor. And the thoughts of facing another day of fighting this broken mind, so overwhelms me. Again I ask for God’s strength, wisdom and guidance for another day. And that He would be my fuel in my empty tank, that He would take the wheel of my life and steer me over the rough road ahead.

You see I have a disability; not a physical one that confines me to a wheelchair, like my darling Lauren, but a disability of my mind, a disability that confines me to my broken mind. Not trapped in a wheelchair but trapped inside my mind. A mind that is so fragile, that on the darkest days; I can only see sadness, hopelessness, helplessness and emptiness. But ‘I Press On’ and hope that tomorrow will be better.

Depression as become the epidemic of the century. The statistics speak for themselves. According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, 1 in 5 people in Canada will personally experience a mental illness. And according to the World Health Organization, more then 264 million people of all ages suffer from depression. Close to 800,000 people die due to suicide every year. With statistics such as these, the stigma that is associated with mental illness should be greatly affected and reduced. No one is exempt from having a mental illness, no more then someone is exempt from having cancer. So let’s respect, be nonjudgmental and be kind to all persons and may we realize that tomorrow we could be suffering a mental illness.

If you are suffering today from a mental illness, let me assure you that you are not alone. And that there are people out there who really do care and do want to help. I encourage you today to stand tall, with your head held high, we have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, we have an ILLNESS called DEPRESSION. So let’s rearrange those letters and lets say, “I PRESSED ON!” We can do this, you can do this! I believe in YOU!

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The Silent Killer

I wouldn’t say that Winter is my most favourite time of the year. The freezing cold, slippery streets and sidewalks, back breaking shovelling of the snow and the claustrophobic confinement inside your home because of a monstrous snowstorm. None of which make for the ideal situation for someone suffering from chronic depression and anxiety. I would call Winter, ‘One big trigger for mental illness.’ And then there’s the relentless hours of darkness, where daylight savings time is at it’s cruelest.  We require, as human beings, a certain amount of daylight each day in order to produce enough vitimin D, which  in turn increases our mood and helps combat anxiety and depression; that’s not always possible this time of the year.

But I’ve been doing fairly well and by fairly well, I don’t mean cured. But it’s been managable for the most part, with a lot of daily work; it certainly doesn’t  happen naturally. But at least I can function, to a certain degree. This functioning level recently was misinterpreted falsely by someone’s ignorance and boldness. When she stated in an email that I was more then capable of working and that I shouldn’t burden my family, friends and Community with the financial responsibility of Lauren’s needs. Our hearts were broken and torn that someone could be so cruel and insensitive.

In reality I have no obligation to explain the status of my health to the general public. Nor do I need public clearance for when I go back to work. I think this would be my doctor’s area of expertise and the public should keep their opinions and comments to themselves. It’s really sad that I feel the need to even justify my illness. I guess that’s why it’s sometimes referred to as the ‘hidden/silent killer.’ It’s an illness that you don’t always see on the outside. And when I go in public I’ve mastered how to act ‘normal’ despite an abnormal illness. The public will never see my worst days; it’s those days I hide; I isolate. But in the end , it lends significantly to the public’s misconceptions about the severity of my illness because just maybe what they are seeing and what the reality of my illness is, are two different things.

I’m telling this because it’s easy to judge a person’s well being on what you see; and you certainly cannot diagnose the severity of my illness or the wellness of my being by what you see. But when you see me, you aren’t seeing all of me. I write this because I want people to understand that when someone looks okay on the outside, certainly doesn’t mean that eveything is fine on the inside. Sometimes we are so quick to judge someone else and to dictate what we think is right for that person. But if we don’t walk in their shoes, we have no right to judge that person. So if we can’t say something nice about someone, it’s best to say nothing at all. And for a lot of people that is near impossibe to do. I have to live with this illness, every fighting day of my life; as does so many others who are fighting this battle called mental illness.

I believe (I know) we have been the topic of conversation around many supper tables. I have never experienced such cruelty, gossip and backbiting in all my life.  And the topic of conversation being our fundraising efforts in order to give our six years old little girl, who has cerebral palsy, and who’s needs far outway the needs of a ‘normal’ child. We were told we were a burden to others and society. It’s attacks like this that make it near impossible for us to live a normal life. Life is hard enough as it is while trying to raise a child with a disability, 24/7 365days a year and no government funding. But then to have to deal with such cruelty, added stress and humilitation is beyond humane.

But we will move forward, with courage, strength and hope; despite adversity, hatred and insensitivety. We are so grateful for those in our lives who support us with their love, compassion and encouragement. It’s those people that help us each day to put one foot in front of the other, without them we could not survive. I am sorry that I have to write such a disturbing blog but I feel exposure is the best and only remedy.

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Defining Depression

How do you put on paper what your heart is yearning to say? Words are just that; words! But putting those words in a sentence that makes sense and expresses how you feel, well that’s not so easy to do. Words can only speak, but only the heart can truly feel what it is you truly want to express. I have tried so desperately to portray my thoughts and feelings in my Blog: www.harrislisa72.com entitled; ‘Life and Times of The Tuckers.’ With the caption attached; ‘Living with depression and anxiety. Raising a child with cerebral palsy. The ups and downs of life; the rain and the sunshine.’ I have written a total of 173 posts/blogs on this website and I feel I have only scratched the surface (written from January 2017-November 2019).

I won’t lie to you and tell you that life is wonderful and easy. When I’m having a very bad day, and I’m just referring here to my depression and anxiety, life is anything but wonderful and easy. Each moment of the day is a fight, a fight to just survive. Each day is a challenge, nothing comes easy anymore, not even the little things. I would just like to elaborate on some defining symptoms of this battlefield of the mind.

For me, when my pain is so intense, I feel like I don’t want to live anymore, that’s what depression can do to you, but yet I don’t want to die either. The constant pain and torment lessens your will to live. It would be so much easier to die and escape this living hell. But yet deep down, you really know that’s not what you really want. You just want to live, but really live without the constant struggle to survive. Life should be so much more then just surviving. I’ve often said to my doctor, ‘if this is living, then I am not living.’ Depression steals the joy, enthusiasm, your reason for living, your purpose; it steals ‘YOU’! And everyday you are constantly trying to find that ‘you’ that once you were. He’s in there somewhere but just can’t seem to escape the prison of the mind.

Depression can be defined as the overpowering need to isolate yourself from the rest of the world. There’s the inability to socialize, the wanting to just hide under a rock. That outgoing, social ‘icon’ that once I was is now turned into somewhat of a recluse. But that is the last thing I want, the last thing I need. When you suffer from depression you feel totally alone, you could be in a crowded room but feel like you are the only person there. Lonely is your constant companion. But we know we are created for companionship, we  crave affection and love. Living in isolation will only make our depression worse and that is why I need people around me, a form of support.

And then there’s the worse part of the day; the morning! A major defining symptom of depression is the fear of the day to come. How am I ever going to survive it? Constant fatigue and tiredness overwhelms my body and mind. I wonder how I can get out of bed, but then I say; ‘Okay God, it’s me and you, I can’t do this alone. So let’s do this! And the day begins. On the not so good days, I long for night to come. I know then, I have survived another day. Maybe sleep will provide an escape; a reprieve. And yet in spite of my depression and anxiety, I live my best life with what I have and try to make the best of everyday.

I can define/describe depression in so many other ways; living in a dark hole, loss of memory and concentration, having no desire to do the things you once loved to do. Depression has the power to redefine who you are (if you let it); It can consume your every thought and lessen you to a different person; to someone who as lost all confidence in oneself, convincing you that you are worthless and useless. No matter how hard I try, life becomes unbearable and overwhelming to a point where you don’t know how you can go on. But you know in reality, that is your illness talking; it distorts your thinking patterns.  The American Psychiatric Association defines major depressive disorder as ‘a common and serious MEDICAL illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.’

We are presently experiencing the ‘Season to be Jolly.’ I love Christmas, a little too much sometimes; I don’t know when to stop decorating. I was warned to tone it down this year, but how do ‘I’ tone down Christmas? My idea of toning it down is someone else’s idea of being overdone, too funny! But that’s not what Christmas is all about, there’s more to it then just decorations. For a lot of people Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year. It’s that time of the year when we are expected to be happy, joyful and glad. But what if we suffer from depression and anxiety; Christmas can be an enormous trigger. It can trigger so many symptoms of depression; loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, fatigue, anxiousness; all for various reasons. I pray this Christmas that all who suffer from mental illness, will feel the peace that came to earth on that first Christmas morning. Isaiah 9:6 ‘For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder; and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, THE PRINCE OF PEACE.’

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What Others Can’t See

This isn’t the way it was suppose to be. This isn’t what I had anticipated my life to be today. This wasn’t the plan; so far from what I had thought. Never did I think my mental illness would be so controlling, so disabling, so crippling. I awake and wonder, ‘how am I going to do this again?’ My eyes just opened and I’m in panic mode already, exhausted and my day as not even begun. My inner voice calls out to God, ‘Okay God, let’s do this because if you don’t, I can’t.’ So I throw my feet over the bed and hope for the best. Hope that just maybe, this might be a good day, a better day.

This is exactly how someone who is struggling with chronic depression feels; it doesn’t go away. Even on a good day it’s still lurking in the shadows of your subconscious mind.

It’s a beautiful Fall Saturday morning. The leaves on the trees have just started to fade to the most vibrant, radiant colors that Fall brings. I think to myself; a beautiful day to harvest the small but abundant vegetable garden we had planted in early spring. A day to reap the benefits of our labor. Time to get my hands dirty with the soil of Mother Earth, rather then covered in paint from my time of splattering different mediums on an artist canvas. So today is going to be a good day, if good intentions, fight and drive have anything to do with it. But deep inside I know the difference; for this chronic depressed soul would have to endure that unending feeling of sadness, hopelessness, fear of surviving another day and the question, ‘Would I survive another?’ Fatigue was already scratching at my minds door; trying to get in.

I had to franticly remind myself of what I had planned to do today and nothing was going to stop me. So I had to push aside those thoughts and remind the kids and Lisa that it was harvest time. Time to get those potatoes and carrots especially, out of the ground. And so we start digging, everyone in awe of what we had accomplished and what was coming out of the ground would be our winter supply of vegetables; I don’t think so! It wouldn’t be long before we’d be headed to the nearest produce department of our local grocery store. But I guess it wasn’t  all about the quantity but the fun we had in the process. The kids just loved it and that made me happy, no matter what my brain was telling me. Our cameras (iPhones) clicked multiple pictures of our first family harvest; it was an hit! And we had the proof; the pictures we had captured. Looking at the pictures, you could not buy the more perfect ‘Fall Family Harvest.’

But does a picture always tell a thousand words? In this case, no! For hidden behind my farmer façade; deep down inside my mind, was an hurting, painful, struggling, faltering soul. Wanting nothing more then to be at peace, just to enjoy what I was doing in the moment. But no, it was still there; hidden behind the pictures, the camera could not see or capture the war within.

Just recently I read an article by Awareness Act, called; ’15 Habits of People With Concealed Depression.’ I thoroughly related to many of these habits and find myself practicing them even today. Although I blog and talk openly about my depression; I don’t go around with DEPRESSION written on my forehead for all to see. No, when I am in public I have mastered the art of concealing my depression. People may look at me and think, ‘Wow, what I wouldn’t give to have his life.’ Everything may look great on the outside but on the inside I could be dying. Fighting a war that never seems to end.

I would just like to elaborate on a few of these ‘habits’ that relate to ‘my’ depression. One of these would be; ‘people with concealed depression are often quite talented and very expressive.’ I’m quoting, ‘These people are able to bring something beautiful out of the darkness that consumes them.’ And every day that as been my goal, through my writing and painting; is to bring something beautiful out of all this suffering and darkness.

Secondly, ‘They tend to search for purpose.’ My life is filled with searching; there as to be a reason and a purpose for all this hidden depression that lies deep within, it cannot all be in vain. And I believe it as opened a door whereby I can be an advocate for mental illness. And because I have personally suffered with this horrible illness for all my life, I have gained knowledge, experience and a compassion that I would have never received had I not suffered from depression, anxiety and panic attacks myself. It is my belief that the only people that truly understand and ‘get it’, are those who have suffered this illness themselves.

Thirdly, in order to feel better or to try to have a ‘good’ day requires a lot of effort; it doesn’t just come naturally, unlike most people. Every day that I put my feet over the bed, to get up in the morning, requires effort and fight. But I do it!

People suffering from depression learn to fake moods. They will often come across as happy and ‘normal’ on the outside because they don’t want to bring others down. So we fake it!

And lastly I’d like to elaborate on the fact that we have trouble shutting off our brains, they are constantly in motion; much like an hamster on a spinning wheel, always moving but going no where. Sometimes I wish I had an on/off switch but that’s not the way it is. Learning to slow down my thoughts and to stay in the moment is one of the best practices I have found to find a little relief. And due to this constant turmoil; it leaves you with unending fatigue, mentally drained, irritable and a shortness of patience. Mental fatigue can some days just leave you lifeless.

Robin Williams, well known actor and comedian, was a man who suffered immensely with concealed depression. He was one of my favorite actors and never in a million years would I have thought that he suffered from depression. But the façade awarded him many awards in his industry and the picture he painted certainly wasn’t a one of darkness and depression.

So, a picture doesn’t always tell a thousand words. Many times what we cannot see is much greater then what we can see. So never judge a book by it’s cover; for hidden in the pages lie the many hurts, the pain and the sadness of depression. Sometimes what others can’t see, is what hurts the most. So if you are hurting today, and you are suffering alone and in silence; know this, you are not alone. If you have no one to talk to, I am here, I understand, I care, I love you! Feel free to private message me, I may not have the answers but I ‘get it’.