Tag: control

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Trusting God When Life Doesn’t Make Sense

How many times have I asked the question; ‘This just doesn’t make sense God?’ Why is this happening to me, to us? What is it you are trying to teach me? What is your purpose? No good can come from this, can it? I have travelled a long, hard road to get where I am today and even today, I stumble and fall, but I know I have to get up again. For the most part, I have learned to let go and to just trust God. Now, is that easy to do? Not at all, it is something I have yet to master, but everyday I’m learning. Taking your life, your family and just giving it all over to God is the hardest thing in the world to do; especially when you have a personality like mine, whereby I have to be in control of my life at all times.

But then trouble comes, life changes and you find yourself totally out of control, life is happening and you are not pulling the strings. Your perfectly controlled world falls apart. And you realize you are not in control at all! It is just terrifying. But yet God is speaking, in that still small voice; ‘trust me even when it’s not making sense!’

I guess you can say it all started back in March 23, 2008, when my Dad died. Why God? It didn’t make sense. I had not come to the place in my relationship with God, that my Dad did. He was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer and was given weeks to live. Our world, our family was loosing the one thing that held us all together. It made no sense! But Dad didn’t look at it like that, to him it made total sense. Either way he looked at it, he was not going to loose this battle. His faith and trust in God was unmovable. He said, ‘I have two options; I will walk out of this hospital an healed man or I will walk those streets of gold and find everlasting peace (paraphrased).’ Well he didn’t loose his battle with cancer, he is now present with the Lord; cancer free! It now makes total sense; death as lost it’s sting. Death is not the end, but the beginning.

Then on July 8, 2008 trouble knocked on our door once again. This is a door I did not want to open, it made no sense. After my Dad’s passing, Lisa and I decided that we wanted to have a baby, maybe even a boy; to carry on the ‘Tucker’ name, a legacy that my father would have been so proud of. So over the next few months we became pregnant and to make a long story short, only to be told at the ER that our baby didn’t make it after a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. The moment the doctor spoke those words, ‘our baby didn’t make it’; our world fell apart and God this did not make sense! How could it? Our baby was gone! We felt totally empty, alone, in shock and filled with grief.

After months of grieving the loss of our baby, we decided to try again. This time it did ‘not’ happen. But why not? This made no sense! We were told our only hope would be IVF; In Vitro Fertilization. So being so determined; IVF it was. And once the procedure was complete, we were pregnant again. On March 14,2011 we were blessed with a bouncing baby boy, Logan Kennedy Tucker. He’s now eight years old and hasn’t stopped bouncing since, thank God!

Life was going fairly smoothly and we were enjoying the privilege of being parents. But then around six months after Logan’s birth, trouble knocks again. There is no truer verse of scripture then the one found in John 16:33, ‘ In this world you will have trouble.’ Little did I realize just how much. I started having symptoms of depression; couldn’t sleep, loss of appetite, anxious, sadness, uncontrollable emotion, lost of interest in things I once loved to do, isolation. Before long I was in the depths of despair, a total mental and physical shut down. Why is this happening now? I should be happy, life was at it’s best; I had it all. This just doesn’t make sense. I was diagnosed with severe chronic depression and anxiety disorder. Talk about loosing control of your life, it was totally out of control. I could not work anymore and loss my will to live, I hit rock bottom and could not climb my way back to the life I had. God this doesn’t make sense. God I’m talking to you! Are you listening?

Then in the midst of all my darkness, God sent us an angel of light, a miracle, no IVF, a beautiful baby girl, Lauren Kennedy Tucker, born March 31,2013. I wasn’t improving by no means, as a last resort ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy) was my only option, my only hope. But much to my dismay, I did not respond to the treatment. Only getting worse, our lives were spinning out of control. God this doesn’t make sense.

Just when I thought life couldn’t get any tougher. On Lauren’s First birthday, she was diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy. God this is not happening, this is making no sense. Here was a father struggling for his life and now our angel was given this life altering diagnosis. We were heartbroken and life once again was spinning out of control. We had control over nothing and when I say nothing, I mean nothing; we were at the mercy of God. We lost everything we owned. Now God, how am I supposed to trust you? But were there any alternatives, any better options? No, we were at the mercy of God, He was all we had and I realized later that He was all we needed. I had to learn to put my total trust in a God, who at the time, I could not feel or see. But that’s where faith comes in and I had to believe that my creator was in control and knows best. Isaiah 55:8-9 says, ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.’ I had to come to a point where I realized that I was the created, but He was my Creator and He was in control, even when I wasn’t. Trust, I had to trust!

I have had much trouble, not unlike any of you who are reading this, no one is exempt. I felt like Job’s wife in Job2:9 when she said, ‘curse God, and die’. But Job said in Job 13:15 , ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.’ Many times I have felt like God had slayed me, God had forsaken me but I will still trust Him! God is not the problem but the answer. He is God, He knows what He’s doing, He’s in control and He loves us unconditionally. In my troubles He is refining me and teaching me what it is to trust Him even when it doesn’t make sense.

 

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“Some” Days (Not All) Just Suck!

  1. Have you ever dragged yourself out of bed, put your feet to the floor and think; can I do this again today? I have, lots of mornings, not that my life is so bad but mentally and physically tired and drained that I just don’t know if I can. But then I give myself my little pep talk and start my routine all over again. And then being thankful at the same time that I can get out of bed. What I wouldn’t give for my little girl to be able to get out of bed and walk, now that puts things into perspective. There’s no wonder my head is spinning out of control. Yet here I am trying to make sense of it all.

 

Let me just give you a sense of where I am. To begin with, I have this amazing disorder. O yes, I know I have come a long way but guess what, I still have this illness. I have to get up every morning and even in my sleep, in my dreams; this illness still haunts me. But I move, refocus and redirect my thoughts. I am still amazed at the number of people who still don’t understand or probably don’t even want to understand this illness. They look at me and say, “o, you’re better now?” I wish I could say ‘yes’ but for some of us who suffer this misunderstood disease, this doesn’t go away ( Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder). We don’t get up one morning and say, “O, I’m better”. I have , so thankfully, improved to a point where I now can manage this illness much better.  So now it’s all about management and keeping the momentum going. It seems I cannot let my guard down for a moment. Having structure and routine in my day is probably one of the best ways I have found to manage my illness. Does this all make sense? Not at all, everyday is a new day and with each day comes new obstacles, challenges, hopes and highs and lows.

 

I play the part very well, I can’t  always wear my heart on my sleeve. For one thing, we live in a “me society” where people only portray the “best life ever syndrome”. Where they have two faces; one for public viewing and the other for private viewing. I’ve also noticed on Facebook; people have a tendency to paint their life has a perfect picture. But in reality, that’s not always the case. You know me by now, say it like it is; some days just suck! I can get up and have the best intentions of having the best day ever, then before the day is over my intentions are long gone. But of course I never give up, tomorrow is going to be better!

 

To best explain what I’m trying to say, it’s best compare it to an alcoholic or a drug addict. An alcoholic will never say I’m recovered but I’m a recovering alcoholic; you are never totally recovered. Has with a drug addict; you are never a recovered addict but you are a recovering addict. Meaning it’s a continuous process, one day at a time. You learn to manage your illness/addiction,the same is to be said for my illness, “I will always be recovering.” One of the best ways to understand my mental illness and it’s recovery is to compare it to diabetes. A diabetic has to maintain, control and manage their blood sugar levels, in the same way I have to maintain, control and manage my mental health. I have learned how to manage my illness rather then always trying to cure it; there is no cure. That’s not to sound hopeless or pessimistic but to be real and truthful.  I believe my healing began when I gave up trying to find a cure but rather accepting my illness for what it is; a recurring, relapsing condition that I have to manage with medical  help, self-help and spiritual help.

 

So if you’re there and thinking to yourself, “I can’t do this anymore.” I’m here to tell you, “Yes you can.” Every day won’t suck, you will (and I do) have good days again. We just have to work a little harder than others who don’t have this illness, at being okay. When I had my last relapse; I honestly thought I would never see the light of day again. But today I do see the light, some days are going to be a little foggy but we can get through them. So chin up, shoulders back, you can do this!