Tag: cerebral palsy

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Writing- Therapy?

I’m reading a book by Benjamin Cox and in his book he says, “I am writing to save my life; it’s the only thing that helps, like therapy in a way.” I can totally relate to what he’s referring to. Ben is a recovering addict; I’m a recovering mental ill person. Just like Ben, we will have to fight our “demons” for the rest of our lives.

Every day for me is still a battle/struggle. Life doesn’t come by so easily has it use to. Even the  little things, sometimes seem so overwhelming. Just like Ben, I will always be a work in progress. There will be days when I don’t feel so well but I do have things in place that help me to cope. And writing my thoughts on paper, I find really helps. Then sharing these thoughts on my blog makes me feel  like I am helping someone else who is suffering from their mental illness.

It seems like forever since I have written, but that’s because I have written but have not published in my blog. Sometimes my thoughts are too deep that they are not for public viewing. This  past week has really been a tough one. In spite of my illness, I still have so many battles to fight. All of which are triggers for my illness but fight I must; I don’t live in a bubble, life still has to move on.  One such battle is trying to obtain funding for Lauren.  We get no Government assistance; I have gone from Provincial to Federal with no hope in sight. Then accessibility and all inclusion battles have left me discouraged, drained and to a point of just giving up but I know I can’t; she’s depending on me.  Raising a child with a disability opens your eyes to an whole new different world; that only those who have experienced it can relate. A world and society that are not all that accepting has we hope to think they are.

I guess now I’m an advocate for both our disabilities; Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder and Lauren’s Cerebral Palsy. Neither of which our society has made it any easier to be accepted and included. There is a stigma attached to both and I’m sure that  Ben can certainly relate to; with him being a recovering addict.

I find writing to be an outlet. A place to free your mind of all it’s thought. A means to find an escape, even if it’s only for a few moments. Like Ben, if it’s going to save my life then I will write, write write!

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I Love Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy

Both Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy have taught me so much about life. I really wish that I was never introduced to either. Because life would have been fine without it. But that’s not the way it works; we can’t pick and choose what life throws in our laps. We just have to learn to accept and endure through whatever life throws at us. Does that mean we have to love or hate whatever that might be?

It has taught me that I am so not in control of what life throws my way. There are days when life is spinning out of control. Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy are much bigger then me. I am only human, it forced me to look deeper inside for something more, a strength that is greater then myself. That we cannot do this in our own human strength but we need a spiritual strength that is much greater. All of us, no matter who we are or what we believe; when it comes down to the crunch, what or who do we turn to? I believe that would be God. We can’t turn to our bank accounts, our careers, our possessions or any earthly being. When all is said and done all we really have is God. And that is the greatest answer to any of life’s questions. So therefore I love mental illness and cerebral palsy for that reason; it made me look deeper spiritually, that I probably would not have done otherwise.

Both our disorders have opened my eyes to a “new normal”. All our lives have been affected and changed in one way or another. We are learning and accepting both our life changing diagnoses. And trying to make it as “normal” as possible. We as a family still grieve the losses that comes with such life altering illnesses. Life as we knew it will never be the same. But we have to find the sunshine in this; our new normal. And that will not be easy but we will do it; one moment,one hour, one day at a time. So it as taught me tolerance of the here and now. This is a new chapter in the book of our lives. Nothing stays the same forever.

I also love mental illness and cerebral palsy because it as helped me to relate to others who are experiencing the same pain and struggles. My compassion, love and concern for others have certainly deepened because of what these disorders have taught me.

But in all honesty; can this be the truth? Can I truly love these illnesses? To some degree yes but to another,no. Can I truthfully say I love the mental illness I have and Lauren’s cerebral palsy? The truth is; I hate the mental illness I have. I hate Lauren’s cerebral palsy. After all I am only human and hate is an emotion that we all possess. Yes I have learned and grown so much but bottom line; I hate it! That is the truth:”…and the truth shall set you free!”

I just visited my acupuncturist and thought I’d get her opinion on this topic of hate and love. Is hate an emotion? Can we love and hate something at the same time? I think we concluded that hate is an emotion because love is an emotion and hate is the opposite of love. And we can love and hate at the same time. If you disagree, you’ll have to take it up with her, lol. But I love and hate mental illness and cerebral palsy at the same time.

On the flip side; how can I love something that as taken away so much from us and have changed our lives so drastically? I have lost my job, my sense of being a provider, my self confidence, self worth and the list goes on. So yes, I hate it for those reasons. Then there’s Lauren. The suffering, the senselessness, the freedom to live a “normal life” as been taken away from her. Just last night I was getting her ready for bed and I was massaging an essential oil combination that Lisa developed to help sooth her muscles. When she said,”Daddy I don’t want anymore Jesus Oil (we told her when we apply this oil, Jesus was going to make her better, so she calls it her Jesus oil). So I said,”why not my darling?” And she looked up at me and said,”because I don’t want to walk anymore?” My heart nearly broke. I said, “why don’t you want to walk anymore my love?” And she looked up at me and said,”Because it hurts too much.” Through my tears she said, “you ok Daddy”? I lied and said, “Daddy’s just fine”. When inside I was saying, “I hate you to her cerebral palsy.”

I can’t honestly say I love it, I do love the positive outcomes that have come with our disorders. But sadly to say with the positives come the harsh realities. The sleepless nights, the long periods of screaming, the wanting to walk like Bruddy, the constant 24/7 care that nobody else sees. We have no choice but to cry out to God! HELP!
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