I think I lost the blueprint for my life. The life I have is so blurred and out of my control that I feel lost in the whirlwind and I’m just spinning on an hamster wheel and getting nowhere. I believe when we’re young and full of anticipation of what we want in life, what we will be in life, we dream big. And there’s nothing wrong with that except sometimes those dreams don’t always happen the way we planned, the blueprint we had planned and designed for our life gets lost and we are left disappointed, frustrated and unhappy.
I believe that the greatest need within all of us is just to be accepted, loved and to belong. Our blueprint is not all about what our careers will be, although that’s a big part of the plan. And lots of times when we’re young our dreams of what we think we will do or become don’t even come close to what we thought it would be. Seasons change and so do we. Sometimes that change happens naturally and willingly, other times it can happen through unforeseen circumstances that are out of our control.
When I was in High School, many decades ago; I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life. And if I did know, my plans would have come to an abrupt halt, when I had a (what they called then) ‘nervous breakdown’. I became disabled to a point of not being able to function, this went on for months. So already my blueprint was shattered and torn. Every decision I made after that was always affected or altered by my illness. I felt so alone, dictated by my illness and afraid. Afraid that any decision I made for my life would awaken my ugly, sleeping lion within me.
But I knew I had to move on in spite of my illness. So I planned a blueprint for my life with what I had, a life with limitations. But I couldn’t let my illness control my life entirely, I had to move on. I completed my high school education and went on to College. And for approximately thirty years I owned and operated my own business. Easy right? Not at all, I had several episodes of depression and anxiety throughout those years but still functioned and carried out the plans of my blueprint.
For years marriage and children were never part of my blueprint. But then in my thirties, this beautiful young lady walked into my life and I knew I had to redesign my blueprint; my plans had changed. And on August 9,1997 we were married. We lived an amazing life, moved to St.John’s where we lived for fifteen years and had two beautiful children.
Yet under all this amazing life as we knew it, loomed my ugly, unpredictable illness that I had kept under control with medication for all those years. But then it happened; nothing was able to tame this roaring lion within and it lunged into full force. This attack left me disabled both mentally and physically. It destroyed everything in my life, every area of my life was affected. I was left for dead, with no will to live. My blueprint was burned to ashes.
Almost six years have passed, I had to redesign a brand new blueprint for my life. A blueprint that I would never had imagined I’d ever be designing; where I am and who I am is so far from where I thought I would be at this season of my life.
Bitterness and self pity often knock at my door, but I can’t let them in. They would just make my life worse and that’s certainly not what I need. I’ve began to realize I need to redesign my blueprint of what I think my life should be. My blueprints of the past are gone, I have to stop dwelling on what they were and design a new blueprint. A blueprint that is based on what I have right now, whether that be good or bad, a blueprint that is not crystal clear anymore. And when my life feels like it’s spinning out of control, I have to sit down at my drawing table and start designing a life for this moment, for today. And throw away or discard those old blueprints of where I thought I would be and be content with where I am at this season of my life.
So if you are like me and your blueprint for your life, is not so perfect, it’s not at all what you had planned. It’s best we stop fighting what we think it should be and redesign a new set of blueprints. Accept the reality of what is, and learn to enjoy what we do have and stop dwelling on what we think our life should be. Even if that means giving up on that misguided dream.