It’s an early, Fall morning and I just got Logan off to school. I walk in the house, after coming back from Logan’s bus stop, and there’s not a sound, total deading silence. Lisa and Lauren are still sleeping, probably after another restless night of Lauren being in her body cast. It seems she gets her best sleep in the morning. So I, not wanting to wake them, decide to sit at my desk and quietly play with my iphone. I had no intentions of writing but changed my busy mind when I scrolled upon a post that read, “Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die”.
If there ever was the perfect description of what depression is, because it is very difficult to describe in words, this would be the perfect description. I have lived a lifetime of battling this illness and doing so mostly in silence. It’s only in recent years that I have chosen to speak openly and honestly about my depressive disorder. I have on more then one occasion prayed to God, to just let me die. To escape the pain and hell I was enduring at that moment, to free my family of having to live with the torment, fear, and worry that I had inflicted on them from having this illness and lastly to finally have peace of my own. To not have to live in constant torment, to not have to live with a mind that would not stop to rest, to quiet that inner voice that would not shut up. Even to this day,I still struggle, maybe not to the extent that I have in the past; but I still struggle. I would be lying to you if I said I weren’t. But I live each day as best I can, with what I have and my faith in God.
To get back to where I am today, did not come easy and I have to work each day to be the best that I can be. Living a ‘normal’ life with a mental illness does not come naturally or easily but with a lot of endurance, courage, strength and faith. If you are reading this and you can relate or ‘get it’, let me just share with you some words of wisdom that I have learned from having depression and have helped me to survive.
Let go of the PAST! No matter how painful that past may have been, holding on to it will not make you feel any better. It will just keep eating away at you, mouthful by mouthful, until there’s nothing left. Letting go doesn’t mean that you’ll forget but letting go gives you permission to live the life you have today, at it’s best. So let’s live today, live for the moment, it’s what we have; this moment.
Let’s stop worrying about other people’s opinions and judgments of us. We are, who we are, we are unique and that is not a bad thing. Stop ‘people pleasing’ , we will never please everybody and when we do, we free ourselves to live our own best life and not have to constantly be concerned about what someone else thinks.
Believe in yourself. And let’s not limit our beliefs to what other’s tell us. Believe in something because you know it’s right, not because someone else told you too. You have the power within yourself to form your own belief system. Doing so will release the power to live your best life. Believe in you, you are worth it!
Relationships; be very selective, cautious and aware of who you allow into your life. Relationships sometimes can ‘break’ you and that be a friendship or an emotional (love) attachment. If we need someone else to “complete” us, then we are walking a dangerous road. Having said that, relationships are a part of life and we certainly need them to enhance our lives. We certainly need them for love, support and companionship. If there are people in our lives that only bring negativity, then maybe we should rethink that relationship.
Don’t base your self worth on the worth of your bank account. If I did that, I would probably be worthless. Don’t let the decisions in our lives be made by money but by following our hearts. I had to come to terms with this when I became unable to work. It’s only now that I realize my worth is not based on my income. But what truly matters is my heart’s worth. I could have all the money in the world and still live a miserable life. And I could be the poorest in the world financially but be the richest on the inside.
And lastly my greatest means of survival has been my faith. A faith not based on any worldly contribution but a faith based solely on God ( not a god). And that being a God that is not confined to the four walls of a Church but a God who holds the Universe in His hands. A God that loved me when I did not love myself, a God that loves me unconditionally, just as I am.
So today if you are fighting to survive, with a mind that wants to die. Be encouraged, you are stronger then you think, there is hope, on your most hopeless days. Don’t give up, the sun will shine again!
It seems like forever since I have written a blog about me. I sat down in my office, put the white, blank paper in front of me, equipped myself with my weapon; the pen. And stared blankly out the window in front of the desk, with not a word to write. I was DONE, empty, tired and alone. Maybe it wasn’t that I didn’t have anything left to write about but maybe my mind was bombarded with thoughts and I just didn’t know where to start. I wanted thoughts to heal myself and words to help someone else. But I felt neither.