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I’m Just Tired

I’ve stated before in previous blogs that writing is therapy, there is a sense of unloading your mind of your ugly thoughts. So if that’s the case, I better start writing because my mind is in a scary place. I want to run, run for my life but where would that bring me? At a dead end! I need to write not just for me but for those who don’t have a voice, those who are screaming in silence. I write to help others understand to some degree; the horrors of this disease and to emphasize that this is a disease, an illness. And that it’s a very dangerous one at that and should never be taken lightly.

Those who suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks and other mental illness know all too well the disabling and crippling effects of this illness. Mental illness has the power to destroy and kill lives. And that is why medical attention is a must to survive this illness. Medication and other therapies may not be a cure but they certainly aid in coping with a mental illness and give hope to an illness that seems hopeless. An illness that destroys your will to live. That would be the most important statement that I could write that would sum up this illness called depression. It’s so important I think I need to repeat it again, ‘An illness that destroys your will to live.’ I know because I have been there many times.

Now here I am in the middle of a second wave of covid-19; a province in lockdown, a province in panic, a province in uncertainty. And here I am fighting to get through each day, with a virus that is playing havoc on my mind. My mental illness doesn’t do well in the best of times but throw a pandemic into my already out of control world and it makes for some really rough days. Try has I must to carry on, to live a normal life as possible. And so many days I fail, I just can’t rise above this illness, some days it wins. Days when fatigue takes over, tired of fighting, days when you just don’t want to participate in life anymore. Just getting through the day is a gigantic accomplishment. No matter how hard you try to be positive, to be happy, to live; you cannot force what is not there. I came across this quote today and it really sums up the kind of day I was having. “When people ask, ‘are you okay?’ And you say, ‘I’m just tired’. Yeah. Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of coping, tired of existing, tired of breathing, tired of living. I’m just done.”

Yet deep down inside I know I’m not done. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will keep trying, I will keep hoping, I will keep coping, I will keep existing, I will keep breathing, I will keep living. I will not give up. I cannot give up. I will find a way. Although today my depression told me otherwise but I will not listen, I will turn a deaf ear and keep fighting. No matter how rough the day, no matter the burden that I bare, the weight that I carry, I will not give up. Please help me God!

The reality of this illness is there is no cure. I cannot change that  no more then a person with cancer can change their illness. But we fight to live the best life we can with what we have. And many times that just doesn’t seem like very much. Days when it takes all that is within us to just move, days when we just want to hide from the world; when we feel so inadequate, impatient and lost. Sometimes I know I’m too hard on myself, when really I should give myself a little credit. I am a survivor and so are you! 

 

 

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2020; A Year We Would Not Soon Forget

January 20, 2017 was my first post to my blog; www.harrislisa72.com. Life & Times Of  “The Tuckers”. ‘Living with severe depression and anxiety. Raising a child with cerebral palsy. The ups and downs of life; the rain and the sunshine’. A form of therapy that brought me through many very dark days. And here I am, January 2, 2021; posting again. Never in my life did I think this blog would last for years and would eventually be published into a book. And may I go further and say, books (two at the least). I can always dream; dreams do come true. This, I feel, will be a cause to pause from writing about my illness. As therapeutic as blogging has been for me, it has also been exhausting and draining; I’ve been misunderstood, stigmatized, traumatized and ridiculed. But that came with no surprise to me; it’s what having a mental illness does to a person. But I still had to write the truth, no matter what. What was meant to start out as therapy for myself, also became a means to help others, through my own experiences with a mental illness. I learned that, much like everything in life, we cannot change the world; nor did I think I could. But I did think I could help one person at a time. And if that meant putting my heart and soul into my writing (raw & honest) then I was willing to do so.  If it meant helping someone else, to save one life, then I was successful in what I set out to do.

In 2012, I had my last relapse, and was told by my doctor that I would not be going back to work; if ever. And here I am in 2021, still fighting my disabling, crippling, tormenting illness; an illness that has left me fighting for that one ‘good day’. But inside this physical body a war is still raging against my mental health. Over the past few years, life has introduced many triggers, many uphill climbs, many times when I just had to crawl. But I fight with what I have and there are times when that may not be much. But I fight!

When I look back over the past year, and wonder how I survived, I really am in awe that I am doing as well as I am. The year was filled with much sadness, loss, sickness, discouragement and I could go on, but what amazes me the most, is that we are still fighting; fighting against all odds.

When Lauren was diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy in 2014, we knew we were going to encounter many challenges and obstacles; but we had no idea just how many; it was one thing after another, there was no end. We were told, when she was around one year old, that her vision was affected, they just couldn’t tell us just how much she was seeing. Being the naïve parents we were, we just  thought,  when she gets a little older she’ll just need glasses and that’ll take care of her vision. We were so wrong again.  When she was referred to the CNIB (Canadian National Institute for the Blind), we were literary in shock. We realized then that Lauren’s vision was not going to be corrected with a pair of glasses. My God, how were we going to get through this? How were we going to accept this? Sometimes you just don’t have a choice. Then she was referred to APSEA (Atlantic Provinces Education Authority) in March 2020. Their findings were what led to her being diagnosed with CVI (Cortical Visual Impairment). This has more to do with how the brain is interpreting what the eye is seeing. There is no cure per se. With intervention, improvement is possible, but not a lot of hope, in my opinion.

The year, 2020, began with Lisa’s surgery on March 16. This surgery was supposedly a routine surgery that would only require an overnight stay in the hospital. However, due to complications resulting from the surgery, Lisa was rushed back into the OR for emergency , life-saving surgery on March 17. This surgery resulted in  her being put in ICU on a ventilator, fighting for her life.

And if that weren’t  bad enough, the hospital was now on lockdown due to the worldwide pandemic of the Covid19 virus. Lisa had to experience this all alone because there were no visitors allowed in the hospital;  not even her distraught husband. You talk about an hell on earth, and that was exactly what we were experiencing. Lisa stayed in the hospital for eight days. Once released, we thought we were on the road to recovery; so we thought. To make a long story short, within five months Lisa was back in the hospital from August 23- September 3, due to more complications from that first surgery back in March 16, 2020; a nightmare for us all, especially our two children, Logan & Lauren.

Then, once Lisa was back home and settled in again, she had to find the courage to tell me that my sweet niece, Tonya, had suddenly passed away. Shock, grief and bereavement totally shot me down! The feeling of disbelief consumed my mind. How could this be? She was so young! Our whole family was lost in a sea of grief. A part of all of us was missing; that piece of your heart that you hold close to you, had now gone to Heaven.

It seemed like the year could not get any worse, but the pandemic was sweeping the world! Schools were closed for the remainder of the school year. Lisa was pretty much out of commission; what was supposed to initially be a six week recovery period, ended up to be a full year for recovery. And, here we were with a child that had CP, requiring 24/7 care; care that we had to provide on our own.  All the while, we continued to try to give our nine year old little boy as normal a life as possible.  In spite of it all, he was a trooper and we are so proud of him.

I had to believe that God was in the midst of all this chaos, because this was something we could not handle in our human strength. I prayed for God’s strength, comfort and protection to make it through these most trying times. He was and is faithful!                                                                                                                         

 

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I Pressed On!

A very dear friend sent me this post today which says, ‘If you rearrange the letters in Depression, you’ll get ; “I Pressed On”. Little did she know how desperately I needed to be reminded of that; ‘Your current situation is NOT your final destination.’ And then in her own words she wrote; ‘You have been pressing on! The rewards for you are just up ahead! Hugs. I believe this was no coincidence but God’s reminder to me that I will make it through this storm.

It’s been several weeks now and I have been pressing on, but barely. My depression, like any other illness, sometimes gets the better of me and I get so scared that this time I’m not going to make it. That my strength, my fuel is going to run out and just like a car; I cannot run on an empty tank. And to describe it best, that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling; like I’m running on an empty tank. I have used up every ounce of strength, energy and will power that I have left. Today I awakened with panic, if you haven’t experienced what a panic attack is, then be thankful, very thankful. It paralyzes and disables every part of your body. But I know I can’t let it, so ‘I Press On’. I force my legs over the side of the bed and let my feet hit the floor. And the thoughts of facing another day of fighting this broken mind, so overwhelms me. Again I ask for God’s strength, wisdom and guidance for another day. And that He would be my fuel in my empty tank, that He would take the wheel of my life and steer me over the rough road ahead.

You see I have a disability; not a physical one that confines me to a wheelchair, like my darling Lauren, but a disability of my mind, a disability that confines me to my broken mind. Not trapped in a wheelchair but trapped inside my mind. A mind that is so fragile, that on the darkest days; I can only see sadness, hopelessness, helplessness and emptiness. But ‘I Press On’ and hope that tomorrow will be better.

Depression as become the epidemic of the century. The statistics speak for themselves. According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, 1 in 5 people in Canada will personally experience a mental illness. And according to the World Health Organization, more then 264 million people of all ages suffer from depression. Close to 800,000 people die due to suicide every year. With statistics such as these, the stigma that is associated with mental illness should be greatly affected and reduced. No one is exempt from having a mental illness, no more then someone is exempt from having cancer. So let’s respect, be nonjudgmental and be kind to all persons and may we realize that tomorrow we could be suffering a mental illness.

If you are suffering today from a mental illness, let me assure you that you are not alone. And that there are people out there who really do care and do want to help. I encourage you today to stand tall, with your head held high, we have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, we have an ILLNESS called DEPRESSION. So let’s rearrange those letters and lets say, “I PRESSED ON!” We can do this, you can do this! I believe in YOU!

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The Silent Killer

I wouldn’t say that Winter is my most favourite time of the year. The freezing cold, slippery streets and sidewalks, back breaking shovelling of the snow and the claustrophobic confinement inside your home because of a monstrous snowstorm. None of which make for the ideal situation for someone suffering from chronic depression and anxiety. I would call Winter, ‘One big trigger for mental illness.’ And then there’s the relentless hours of darkness, where daylight savings time is at it’s cruelest.  We require, as human beings, a certain amount of daylight each day in order to produce enough vitimin D, which  in turn increases our mood and helps combat anxiety and depression; that’s not always possible this time of the year.

But I’ve been doing fairly well and by fairly well, I don’t mean cured. But it’s been managable for the most part, with a lot of daily work; it certainly doesn’t  happen naturally. But at least I can function, to a certain degree. This functioning level recently was misinterpreted falsely by someone’s ignorance and boldness. When she stated in an email that I was more then capable of working and that I shouldn’t burden my family, friends and Community with the financial responsibility of Lauren’s needs. Our hearts were broken and torn that someone could be so cruel and insensitive.

In reality I have no obligation to explain the status of my health to the general public. Nor do I need public clearance for when I go back to work. I think this would be my doctor’s area of expertise and the public should keep their opinions and comments to themselves. It’s really sad that I feel the need to even justify my illness. I guess that’s why it’s sometimes referred to as the ‘hidden/silent killer.’ It’s an illness that you don’t always see on the outside. And when I go in public I’ve mastered how to act ‘normal’ despite an abnormal illness. The public will never see my worst days; it’s those days I hide; I isolate. But in the end , it lends significantly to the public’s misconceptions about the severity of my illness because just maybe what they are seeing and what the reality of my illness is, are two different things.

I’m telling this because it’s easy to judge a person’s well being on what you see; and you certainly cannot diagnose the severity of my illness or the wellness of my being by what you see. But when you see me, you aren’t seeing all of me. I write this because I want people to understand that when someone looks okay on the outside, certainly doesn’t mean that eveything is fine on the inside. Sometimes we are so quick to judge someone else and to dictate what we think is right for that person. But if we don’t walk in their shoes, we have no right to judge that person. So if we can’t say something nice about someone, it’s best to say nothing at all. And for a lot of people that is near impossibe to do. I have to live with this illness, every fighting day of my life; as does so many others who are fighting this battle called mental illness.

I believe (I know) we have been the topic of conversation around many supper tables. I have never experienced such cruelty, gossip and backbiting in all my life.  And the topic of conversation being our fundraising efforts in order to give our six years old little girl, who has cerebral palsy, and who’s needs far outway the needs of a ‘normal’ child. We were told we were a burden to others and society. It’s attacks like this that make it near impossible for us to live a normal life. Life is hard enough as it is while trying to raise a child with a disability, 24/7 365days a year and no government funding. But then to have to deal with such cruelty, added stress and humilitation is beyond humane.

But we will move forward, with courage, strength and hope; despite adversity, hatred and insensitivety. We are so grateful for those in our lives who support us with their love, compassion and encouragement. It’s those people that help us each day to put one foot in front of the other, without them we could not survive. I am sorry that I have to write such a disturbing blog but I feel exposure is the best and only remedy.

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He Sees The Sparrow Fall

This is my testimony to the power of God in my life. We have just experienced one of the most evil attacks of satan that I have ever experienced in all my life. It left us beaten down, defeated and broken. I am not going to get into all the ugly details of what we encountered, God will take care of all those concerned and His Holy Spirit will convict and trouble those responsible.

I cannot stop, nor help what someone thinks of me. I have so desperately tried to fit in and be the best that I can be. But you see, I’m not perfect, I have made so many mistakes, but I try my best with what I have. I have been judged, backstabbed, the topic of many conversations behind my back and stigmatized because of my mental illness. But I learned something this week, all of that really doesn’t matter. No matter what I do I will never meet up to someone else’s expectation of me. And no matter what I do, it will never be good enough. I’ve been told  I should be working. And yes that  is true, there’s nothing I would rather be doing and for 28 years I worked and owned my own business and loved it. And eight years ago I was told by my doctors that I would never work again. To which I thought was crazy, I’m going to get better I thought. But you know, eight years later and I’m still fighting my mental illness. Fighting to just make it through the day. Fighting to be just okay, fighting to just functin and survive each day as best I can. And take it one day at a time and no more. Yes, you may look at me and judge me from what you see on the outside and yes I probaly look fine but a mental illness is not always visible on the outside and mental illnss can only be seen and felt on the inside. So before you give me my clearance to go back to work, you better have a Phd after your name. I thank God that I am as well as what I am because having a child with a disability  requires, not a 9-5 day job but a 24/7, 365 days a year, full time job. So if you want to judge me, backbite about me-and slander me; I will ask you first to please walk a day in my shoes, in our shoes and then you just MIGHT understand why and how we do what we have to do.

But I prayed and never gave up and last night God intervened. He had to, we were dying and no where to turn. But God is faithful and He was about to show me. All my plans for what I wanted to paint were destroyed, they would never be painted. But God had other plans and yes, God can speak through art if we would just open our eyes. His message came to me loud and clear. Man may think they can destroy you, but God had other plans. So if you have a problem with me, take it up with Him. Because I have tried and I can’t do this myself; I gave it all to Him. I can trust Jesus when life seems like it’s falling apart. So yesterday I got up the courage to go to my art studio and I sat and poured my heart out to God; He was listening and He was watching. And I started on the road that He was leading. He showed me what I  needed to paint and gave me the name of my painting; ‘He Sees The Sparrows Fall’. It’s a painting of two sparrows perched on an outside window ledge, safe and secure. The painting isn’t complete yet but keep following for its unveiling will soon be here.

That night I left my art studio and I felt the presence of God, something I haven’t felt so strongly in a long time. And the words of a song came to me,  but I couldn’t remember the name of  the song, all I could remember was those few words. So I googled the words that I did know and found the song that God had for me and my family and He confirmed to me that He was going to take care of us. I found the song on Youtube and played it; the song is called, ‘I Can Trust Jesus.’ And the first two lines of that song blew my mind!  They are; ‘God picked up a SPARROW that could no  longer fly. He brushed off it’s wounds and then watched it soar into the sky.’ With tears streaming down my face (I reminded myself of being like my Dad), I knew this was no coincidence but the hand of God. The song and my painting were of a sparrow; it confirmed and reminded me that it’s going to be okay, we were going to be okay. And no one was going to seperate us from the love of God. I was again reminded of the verse in the bible that says, (Matthew 10: 29-31) ‘Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.’

So today my heart is filled with gratitude for His presence and protection in our lives. For without Him, I can do nothing. I knew while we were in this storm, that there was only one answer and it was God and God alone that was going to calm this storm. Or if not , we were surely going to drown. I know so many of you today are going through circumstnces, sickness, loss, trials and tribulations that you feel you will never survive and think there are no answers to. But I’m here to remind you that, ‘You Can Trust Jesus’. I have just proven it over the past few days. I want to leave you with one verse from the bible that says, ‘For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.'(Romans 8:38-39 KJV)

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A Mental Breakdown

It’s been practically six years since I had my last total mental breakdown. I have no problems admitting to that; if I had an heart attack I would have no trouble talking about it. My brain is an organ of the body just has my heart is and things can go wrong with any organ in our bodies. And neither should flaw our character. It just so happened that mine was my brain. The journey that I have traveled as certainly not been an easy one, a one that requires much strength, courage and fight. And to you who are out there who know what I’m talking about through your own experience with a mental illness, can truly relate.

So you may ask, it’s six years, what’s new? If I really told you, you’d be sorry for asking. But I will try to give you some insight into what’s going on with my mental health at this stage of the game.

I wish I could say things are great and I’ve never felt better but that would be lying and I want to be real. When the reality of this disorder is; there is no cure, but the most the medical field can do is to manage the symptoms and to hopefully restore me to a functioning level. I guess that’s where I am today; at a place where I can somewhat function in the real world but still requires medical support, much like many other illnesses. The mental health clinicians and physicians use a scale called the GAF- Global Assessment of Functioning. It’s a numeric scale to rate subjectively the social, occupational and psychological functioning of an individual, ex.: how well one is meeting various problems-in-living. Scores range from 100(extremely high functioning) to 1(severely impaired). So using this scale I can say when I first became ill, at my acute stage, I was probably a one. Today I am around 60 on the scale. Doing much better, but not back to my outgoing, risk taking, ambitious, creative self. It’s here I believe society has the misconception of what a ‘mental breakdown’ is. I wasn’t going around like a ravishing lunatic, has probably most would think. No, I was the complete opposite; I was stripped of everything I was. My being was gone, my will to live was gone, my strength was gone, my personality was gone; I was reduced to nothing. But a soul crying out to be free of this hell that I was captured in. A soul just crying out for help. That’s what a mental breakdown is, so don’t judge; if you have a brain, you are not exempt!

My illness as still stolen so much from me that I will probably never get back to where I was. I still have extreme problems with concentration, mental fatigue, loosing my train of thought and being able to be quick and alert with my thought process. And no matter how hard I try, it just sometimes isn’t there and that can be very frustrating. But I work with it and just by blogging I believe I stimulate my brain to do amazing things, thanks to God.

My last visit to my physician I was basically told this is as good as it gets. We have tried everything available and for me that’s very discouraging. No I didn’t get a death sentence but for someone who lives this illness everyday of their lives, then that is what it seems like. And because my brain isn’t always able to analyze or reason my sometimes troubled thoughts, I find it harder to cope. But I live each day as best I can, with what I have. But my illness will not control my life! I believe by openly talking about it; I take back the power. By  keeping silent I believe you are admitting to yourself that you are weak, ashamed, you are worthless. hopeless and a nobody. But in reality you are courageous, strong, worthy and a somebody. You can be a VICTOR; not a victim. A winner not a loser, YOU MATTER! I MATTER!

For the past six years, that works out to be 2,190 days, I have gotten out of bed and said, ‘God , please just let me have one ‘good’ day.’  A day with no pain, fear or sadness; just a day where I can just enjoy my family and not be enslaved by this illness. I live in hopes that one morning I will awake and it’s gone but maybe that morning won’t come until I see my Maker, face to face. But for each day until then I pray for strength, sunshine and hope to flood my life. And may I always walk with my head held high, my hand outstretched to someone else in need and my heart filled with God’s love and compassion.

 

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Negative Feedback!

I’ve often asked myself the question; Why do I blog anyway? Why bother? Why would I put myself ‘out there’? Why put energy and time into writing in the first place? It’s not like I was getting paid for it. Why take the chance of being ridiculed, bullied, scorned or negatively impacted? It would be so much easier to not bother at all. To just sit in the corner and pretend I have the perfect life. That would be so nice, but I’d be lying. I’d be painting a picture of myself that wasn’t real.

My writing is twofold. First of all, I write for my own benefit. Writing is therapy! It’s like taking the cover off a boiling pot, it releases the pressure on the inside. So for me, a sufferer of depression and anxiety, it’s a form of treatment. And no, I am not ashamed, nor do I need to be, of having a mental illness. And if writing is going to help my recovery , then I will write/blog. If you have a problem with that then you have the option of blocking me from your Facebook account. Just don’t read my blogs anymore, no one is forcing you to do so.

You know I don’t even feel angry at people who dislike my blogs, not even sad; I feel SORRY for you! If you have followed my blogging since I started and today you still have this attitude of prejudice, stigmatizing, arrogant and lack of understanding; then you are never going to ‘get it’ and I will keep you in my prayers. And please, just don’t follow me anymore, there is a delete button; if you know how to use it.

I believe my writing ability is a gift  from God, and if He sees it as a positive influence, then I must certainly write and use it for His glory.And if you have a problem with that, you will have to take it up with Him.

My second reason for writing/blogging is to help others who are experiencing similar circumstances and or deal with a mental disorder on a daily basis. To break down the walls of stigma, to help people realize they have nothing to be ashamed of. We have an illness; not a defect! I challenge those who think they have the right to judge someone with a mental illness, to show me their ‘perfect’ mental health. We all have our challenges in life; some probably more than others. It’s also my intentions to let those out there know that they are not alone, they needn’t suffer in silence. There will always be people who don’t understand and that’s fine. We don’t live in a perfect world but let’s do our part to make it a little better place to live. With so much evil, ignorance, stigma and hatred in our world today; let’s shine our light and help diminish some of the darkness.

And to those out there who doesn’t share my enthusiasm and love for helping others; I really do feel sorry for you. May God work a miracle in your life today. John 15:13 ‘Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends’.

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The Day After

My eyes opened and I knew I had to face this day. How am I going to do this? Exhaustion consumed my body before my feet touched the floor. But I knew I had to begin somehow. I felt empty, lonely;  I have to write, there is healing for me through writing. Expressing my thoughts on paper, clears my head, helps the hurt flow through to my pen. This hurt is going to take time, I know it’s not going away in an instant. For how do you say good bye to your best friend and expect not to hurt even when you know it’s not really good bye but see ya later buddy!

It’s that period in between that you wonder how you’re going to cope. I have to believe there is life after death, that there is more to life then this. If not, what’s the point? I have to have faith and trust in something or someone bigger. Which will lead me once again on a path to find answers. Questions that I really already know the answers to. But today I need confirmation and thus my journey down life’s path begins once again.

If my path leads me to the ‘Big Bang Theory’ then it’s there I will certainly find no hope. We live, we die, the END! I can’t accept that, I cannot live my life with no hope. It would be like I were nonexistent. There would be no purpose, a life lost in the wind. I really don’t like this ‘path’; it’s cold and hopeless. I think I’ll turn around and take a path that leads to hope.

This path is much brighter, I see light, bright beams of hope. I think I’ll take this ‘path’ which leads to a Creator; a God that is all knowing, all powerful and everywhere present. A God that loves us and gives us so much hope and purpose and love; for ‘God is Love'(1 John 4:8). For He promises us in 1Thessalonians 4:13,14 “But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep(died, passed away), that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with Him”. 4:16 “For the Lord himself shall descend from Heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first” 4:17 “Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air; and so shall we ever be with the Lord”. Wow, what amazing promises of God. There is no greater hope then this, death is not the end but the beginning! Cancer did not win and will not win, if we die in Christ we will never lose our battle with cancer, it’s then we are cancer free, we have won! To quote my father on his deathbed, “Either way I will win! I will be healed and go home or die and go to my heavenly home”. Where we read in 2 Timothy 4:8, “Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me on that day; and not me only, but unto all them also that love His appearing”. Amazing!

Do you love His appearing? Do you believe in the return of Jesus? Do you believe in Him? Do you believe in John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life”. That is the gospel in a nutshell, its that simple! Billy Graham once said, ‘that once you heard the gospel message once; your life would be forever changed; whether you accept it or not, you will still be changed’. Because if you do not accept Him, you now have the knowledge of the gospel and will be forever etched into your mind. I’m loving this ‘path’ I chose.

The song says, “But until then, my heart will go on singing, until then with joy I’ll carry on, until the day my eyes behold that City, until the day God calls me Home”.

But for now, God didn’t leave us helpless, alone or rejected. He promised to walk this path with us, to never leave us or forsake us. He promised us strength for every step of the way; ‘Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint’. So when life’s losses, troubles, illnesses and tribulations weigh us down to the point of exhaustion, we have the promise that we wait on Him, He will renew our strength again! I am overwhelmed by the mercies and promises of God. Now this is Hope!

“All is well with my soul, He is God in control, I know not all His plans, but I know I’m in His hands.” I want to end this blog with a verse from 1 Corinthians 13:13 “And now these three remain; faith, hope, and love: but the greatest of these is love.”

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Logan Dropping the Puck!

As part of a fundraiser for Lauren; The Bay Arena, Bay Roberts gave Logan the honour of dropping the puck for the Tri Pen Osprey against the St.John’S Maple Leafs.o