https://facebook.com/events/s/beyond-the-door-art-exhibit-an/1164395347695501/
Art Exhibit and Book Launch
This Thing We Call Life!
Amidst world devastation and uncertainty imposed by President Putin and the Russian regime on, not only Ukraine but the whole world, we all try our best to maneuver our way through this thing we call, LIFE. For some it ‘seems’ that life is a walk in the park. While for others, it’s a never ending battle to just survive. I won’t speak any further on the horrific war in Ukraine because I am certainly not an expert in that area. I certainly won’t turn a blind eye to what’s happening in the world but right now that can be just a little overwhelming. But I will speak on what I know best, that being my journey through life with a mental illness and how that affects every area of our/my life.
Today and for the pass several days, I’ve been in isolation in the bunker of our basement, cut off from the rest of my family and the world, fighting this horrible virus that we are all too familiar with, COVID! I haven’t been able to comment on this virus personally because I never had it before. But now I can! For those who have minimized this variant called omicron and have let down your guard, please remember our most vulnerable and our death rates; these people matter too! I am doing what I have to do to protect both my kids, especially my daughter who has CP and my elderly mother in law (who is staying at our house) both who are extremely vulnerable. My own personal experience with omicron is far from mild; I can barely lift my head off the pillow, therefore I’ve been out of production for days, unable to function! And believe me when I say, I cannot be sick, Lisa and I are Lauren’s 24/7 caregivers and yesterday Lisa tested positive for Covid. So I’m praying Lisa won’t get really sick, at least not until I am well enough to take over the care for everyone in our household. This has yet again been a nightmare!
I guess if I can say, ‘there has been a little flicker of excitement this week, despite everything else.’ My book, ‘Beyond the Door’ is now published and available for distribution. The best place to purchase your copy would be at Amazon.ca. This book will never make me rich, it was never about that. It was time, time to tell my story, time to find a source of therapy to release the raging war within my mind, a time to let others know that they were not alone and to help them to realize that the light will shine again for those who are in the depths of darkness. Then lastly, this book should give those who have never suffered a mental illness, a better understanding, a new way of looking at this so stigmatized, prejudicial and isolating illness. So please get your copy and let’s break down some walls! Let’s talk!
I guess my purpose in writing today is threefold. One, it’s something I can do without having to lift my head off my pillow. Two, writing helps with my mental health, which at the moment I wouldn’t say was that great, isolation does nothing for one’s mental well-being. And thirdly, to remind us all that we need each other, we must never take our health for granted and do whatever it takes to protect ourselves and others from harm, no matter what the cost. War can teach us one thing and that is the selflessness of those who so freely give of their lives to save the lives of others.
“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”
Hey, check out my website, “Art by Harris” with this link: https://www.harrisartisticdesigns.com/
I Thought I Had This All Figured Out
I may have ‘thought’ I had this thing called depression all figured out. But I’ve come to the realization that there is really no figuring it out. After my long life of living with, sometimes just surviving, this maddening disease, I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing has letting my guard down. And even if I did, it would make no difference; this monster could attack at any time.
The last few days have been a fury of unsettling depressive symptoms. My will to just move felt impossible; my body was in a paralyzed state as it were. Depression had invaded my mobility and mind to a point where I just did not have the ability to move. Not that I didn’t want to, because I knew I had to, if I were to overcome this tsunami of overwhelming emotions, then I had to move. But not even moving would awaken the desire to do anything that I would normally love to do; not even painting or writing. I needed to do either for therapy but I could not. I felt numb, lifeless and worthless. And try as I might, I could not fight my way back to ‘the moment’.
There is a large discrepancy and many misconceptions when referring to; mild depression and clinical / major depression. One, major depression is a chronic disorder for which there is no cure, whereas mild depression only last a few weeks or months. Secondly, the severity of your symptoms for major depression are far greater then those of a mild case of depression. Thirdly, an episode of mild depression is usually brought on by a distressful life event, whereas a relapse of major depression may be triggered by a traumatic experience but not always the case. Sometimes a debilitating relapse can occur for no reason at all. This is more the probability of what is happening to me at this point in my illness. Lastly, with mild depression the duration of the episode can last up to six months but there is hope of a complete recovery. I remember when I was officially diagnosed with major depression, I was told there was no cure and the best that the medical field could do was to get me back to a functioning level, not a full recovery. To this day I still get angry at this diagnosis but I am desperately trying to live at a functioning level, one day at a time, and there are some days when that’s not possible. And the past few days that’s where I am.
I hope this blog has given you a better understanding of my illness, an illness that I believe is so misunderstood, so stigmatized and so belittling. I talk about my illness, certainly not for the fame it would bring me but to educate others, encourage others and to just TALK about this , what some would call, a shameful disease. But on my ‘good days’ I feel I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, nothing to make me feel like a failure, a hopeless cause, a nobody. Because the reality is, this disorder will convince your brain just that. But today I’m reminding myself; I’m a somebody, I’m of worth, I’m not hopeless.
The campaign for BELL/Let’s Talk is soon getting underway once again and this has proven to be a great tool. The ironic thing for me when I am not feeling well, is that I don’t want to talk, it’s the last thing I want to do. But I am so thankful for the times when I am well enough and I do want to talk about my illness. And then there are times when I don’t want others to talk to me, I just need someone to listen. If someone you know is suffering from depression, please be that listening ear, sometimes that’s all is required!
Goodbye 2021
To say this year has been a little challenging is an understatement, let’s make that the last couple of years! I sit here next to our Christmas tree and ponder, just how we made it this far. Life has thrown more curve balls at us then I care to remember. But you know what? We are still here! Together and still standing!
For whatever reason it seems like Christmas is a time for reminiscing. A time to reflect over the year that is about to close and hopefully look toward the new year with anticipation, hope and optimism; that this year will be better.
I won’t lie and pretend this was the best year of my life but neither was it the worse. I still struggled with mental illness, Lauren still endured many challenges, Logan was your typical little boy and knew he had a special place in our little family. And Mommy had to fight many of life’s obstacles with strength she didn’t even know she had. There were many days we wondered how we could survive when we felt many times that life itself was swallowing us up and we could barely keep going. But we did! And we will!
I believe one of the most challenging and consuming evils that has controlled our world and lives was not necessarily Covid itself but the diverse attitudes of hate and divisions it devoured our world with. It was not treated as the universal pandemic and health crisis that it really was but it became a platform for political and human rights protests that it was never intended to be. We are fighting for our lives, it’s nothing political but everything about ending this worldwide health crisis once and for all. This evil has divided our world, crushed our nations and destroyed families; not with the virus itself but by the distorted ‘facts’ of a corrupt world. The vaccines are NOT poison but a defence against a virus that can and have killed millions. It’s time for it all to stop and only us as a nation, a world, that realizes we need to turn to God, who alone can destroy this evil that it has become!
Now we settle into another winter of uncertainty and uneasiness, because none of us know what this next variant will bring, only time will tell. Maybe we should be like the bears and hibernate until this whole mess is over and awake to Spring’s new life, new hope. So let’s say goodbye to 2021 and welcome 2022 with a new hope, a fresh start, a new beginning!
“Holding it Together”
I can’t remember the last time I wrote a blog. Blogging was always a form of therapy, a way to unleash my crowded mind of its unbearable thoughts. I was doing fairly well, fairly meaning still struggling but holding it together. But lately my “holding it together’ was falling apart. My depression and anxiety disorder was playing havoc on my life; I’ve been fighting to keep it all together, sort of speak. But fighting is leaving me exhausted, so tired of dealing with this beast every day of my life.
It’s been years now since my last breakdown. And no, I don’t mind saying , ‘breakdown’, or mental illness, depression, anxiety, suicide, etc. It’s no secret I have a mental illness; major depression and anxiety disorder. I suffer everyday, I fight everyday, some days more then others. The last few days I am really fighting, at times it seems I’m fighting a losing battle. Each morning I get out of bed I pray that today would be a ‘good day’, I cannot lose hope, for hope is what keeps me going. So this morning when my eyes opened to face another day, I knew I just didn’t feel ‘right’. My body felt like it was carrying a heavy load, a heavy burden, a load that I just didn’t have the strength to carry anymore. Worn out, beaten down with life and it’s many struggles, hardships and uncertainties. In a world that was not an ideal environment for someone struggling with depression and anxiety. So much was happening, things that someone with good mental health would even struggle with. So here I am writing; writing to heal my broken mind but also writing to help someone else who is battling this awful illness, this stigmatized and misunderstood disorder.
I have questioned myself in those last few months of ever writing a blog again; I do so with great caution. Sometimes I wonder , what’s the point? Am I helping anyone? Or am I just giving others a reason to judge, discriminate and stigmatize me for my mental illness. It seems our world has gone a little crazy; the divisiveness, the outspokenness, harshness and hatefulness that have stemmed from the Covid pandemic has spread like wildfire. The push for vaccinations and now vaccination passports have given so many the “right” to fight. It’s gotten to a point where I’m hesitant to post on social media because it gives some the opportunity to lash out, to attack, to harshly respond and speak what they would never say to your face. The stress of this pandemic has made us all a little crazy, praying that one day we could put all this behind us and we can start living our new normal, whatever that may be.
Let’s get off the topic of Covid, I believe it has taken up too much of our time, our thinking and life in general. Don’t get me wrong, it is still our responsibility to do what is right to stop this virus and to just use our common sense. Now having said that, let’s move on. Yesterday was tough day to say the least. We all deal with our own pain, you may not be dealing with a mental illness but no doubt you have your own pain, not always physical. Life can bring so much pain, in so many ways. It was yesterday, I just had to get out of the house, so I went to Starbucks. It was my first time being there in years, as I sat there alone my mind travelled back to days when Lisa and I popped out for coffee whenever we felt like it, those days are long gone. The responsibility of caring for a disabled child certainly limits what we can do; even something as simple has going out for a coffee. Something that most just take for granted. We fail now to take for granted even those little things because it’s the ‘little’ things that mean the most.
Im not complaining, just saying it like it is. Life for caregivers of disabled loved ones is anything but easy. When Lauren was diagnosed with spastic quadriplegia cerebral palsy, our lives were changed forever, the bad and the good. Two of such caregivers that have taught me so much about love, selflessness, acceptance, caring and patience were my two Aunts; Aunt Celia Vincent and Aunt Lily Williams. They were angels on earth and if I could learn from them the true meaning of giving; they devoted their lives to caring for their disabled loved ones. They could have become so bitter but they chose to live life and love life in spite of their circumstances. There’s a very special place in Heaven for my two Aunts who gave so freely of themselves and lived a life of Christ-likeness. May I live up to their example of what a true Christian should be, what a true human being should be. The hardships in their lives did not break them but only made them stronger.
So today I’m fighting to hold it together, today I’m not feeling all that strong, afraid that if I let my guard down for just one second, I would fall apart. The pieces of my brokenness would be forever shattered and nothing could put me back together again. And that is what depression and anxiety can do, it can destroy your very soul, your very being and leave you without a will to live. That my friend is the danger of this illness, for you see, no other illness known to man can steal your will to live. It is this instinct within us that gives us the will to live, gives us the strength to fight for our lives. But when this will to live is taken from us, stolen by this evil called depression; then we are left powerless, empty, alone and hopeless. So in my weakness, I will still fight, I will not lose hope, I will live in spite of my illness. And for those out there who have experienced or are experiencing what I’m talking about, from the words of Dr. Fitzgerald (NL’s Chief Medical Officer), “Hold Fast” we will endure and never give up! We can “Hold it Together”, even when it feels we are falling apart!
A Fresh Start
Where as the last six years gone? They say,”time flies when you’re having fun.” But I say, “time flies whether you’re having fun or not.” Time is one thing we have no control over. It’s been six years since we moved from St.John’s to Bay Roberts, in some ways that seems like eternity and in other ways it seems like yesterday. But it’s time to move on, life has been so unkind to us here, no fault of the people and Town of Bay Roberts; it’s a beautiful place to live. It’s almost like the “universe” is telling us, “you’re done here, it’s time to move on.” So on August 3,2021 we are moving, I believe it’s what our family needs; a fresh start!
When we moved here on April, 2015 it wasn’t a good time in our lives, so we got off to an already stress filled, anxiety provoking and an uncertain future; that we had no control over. We had lost control of our lives and frantically trying to put the pieces back together. Little did we realize what was in store for us. The pieces of our lives were not being put back together but obstacles, events and illness would still pull us further apart. We would encounter more attacks and painful situations, then I would have ever experienced in all my lifetime combined. I won’t elaborate on any of those painful, controlling and disrespectful events because I feel we are trying desperately to put them in the past and to keep them there. And when we leave, we will symbolically leave them here, we will brush the dust off our feet, we will not take them with us. We deserve so much better and this new chapter in our lives will be a fresh start for our family.
What I will elaborate on is the present condition of my mental illness or my mental health. It’s difficult to have fairly good mental health when you are constantly being thrown into the den of lions; a very toxic environment. Not a place for someone trying to heal from a broken mind. It was like adding fuel to the fire. If I were to improve, I have to physically move to a new land. There were no options. There were just too many triggers, to ever even come close to living a “normal “ life. And that wasn’t going to happen here.
I am/was constantly judged by my outward or physical appearance. “He’s not sick, he doesn’t even look sick.” And this is one of the dangers of this illness; you don’t always see it! Are the only people that are sick, the ones who appear outwardly to show signs and symptoms that the eye could see? No, my illness was from deep within my mind, a place that the eye could not see. And I have become a master of hiding what I didn’t want others to see. What I was feeling and what others were seeing were two totally different pictures. And I had no obligation to expose my mental health to no one, except my own family; my mother, my wife and my two children (who I tried not to let see me at my worse). But even today I struggle and live one day at a time.
Mental illness is such an unforgiving illness. It’s so misunderstood, stigmatized and misjudged; that even today, it’s sufferers would rather hide it and suffer alone. I do many days because even today I feel ashamed and far from normal. Days when I feel I am not even worthy to live. Too sick, too tired and too alone to belong. That I am so different, that I’m not like ‘normal’ people; I just don’t fit in anymore. But yet I yearn to live a life that’s even a little normal. Mental illness has stolen so much from us. There are days when I am not fully present but pre occupied deep within my mind. My illness has not been a once in a lifetime occurrence but a lifetime of living with someone I do not even know or at times not even like.
Not only have my mental illness stolen from me but it has cost my family so much. My wife lost her husband on that day I had my last relapse (8 years ago). I became someone with no personality, no feelings, numb, trapped inside my mind; a person she no longer recognized. My children were deprived many times of a father. I was too sick to even play the part. But after years of fighting, counselling, therapy, medications; I gradually returned to someone similar to who I once was. I now give what I have, not at all meeting up to my expectations of what I should be but I work with what I have. I try not to dwell on what mental illness has stolen from me but I build on what I have left.
So in just 10 more days we will move to our new home, our new life. My only prayer is that God will go with us and bless us. May this be a new beginning, a light in the darkness, a new hope; A FRESH START! 
Life’s ‘Unfair’ Path
How do I put into words what my heart and mind are yearning to express? Life is certainly different for all of us. Some people appear to have it all together and life for them seems to just happen, just ‘living the dream’. Then for others it seems ‘it never rains but it pours’. It’s one thing after another and life could be so difficult and unfair at times. Sometimes I wish we all could experience a little down time. A time when we could just relax a little, enjoy life a little without being constantly tormented by worry, uncertainty and hard times.
Don’t get me wrong, I certainly wouldn’t begrudge anyone a life of ease. A life that is absent of difficulty or effort. But sometimes I wonder why some people have to go through so much and others seem to escape the hardships of life. But the reality is that sometime throughout life we all have to face circumstances, heartache and hardships. No one is exempt, sometimes it just seems that way. Take for instance that mother who is so desperately fighting cancer and trying to convince herself that she can’t let this monster take her life; her kids are depending on her. But yet still in the end, she loses her battle and can fight no more. Where’s the fairness in that? Tell that to the husband who comes home and finds a note on the table from his wife of twenty years, that she’s left for greener pastures. The loss, betrayal, broken promises that drowns his spirit is just too overwhelming; where’s the fairness in that? Then tell that to the parents who had to lay their only son to rest, after a death by suicide. Where’s the fairness in that? There’s no doubt about it, life can be tough. But we cannot be consumed by it or life would become a mere existence and not a life at all.
The last several years have been anything but easy for us. The challenges, uncertainties, sickness, death, struggles; have nearly left us suffocated but we are still here, still fighting to survive. Never in a million years would I have thought life would be what it is today. There are days when we just have to say, life is so unfair, so cruel and times when we have to wonder, ‘where is God’? I don’t think we would be human if we didn’t feel days of defeat and hopelessness. I am not comparing our lives to anyone else’s, nor am I saying that our situation is worse then someone else’s. But no matter what the pain, what the hurt, that we are experiencing; it’s just as real to us as what others are enduring. There is no measuring scale for life’s pain, no matter what it might be.
It was just today I had a wonderful telephone conversation with my brother and I shared some of the things that we were dealing with in our own lives. And he asked the question, “How do you do it?” I could find no other answer other then, there has to be a God, even on days when my faith is small, even on days when I have to question God and wonder where is the fairness in all of this. I still have to believe that tomorrow is going to be better; that was my Dad’s way of looking at rough times, that God will ‘provide a way of escape’. That things will get better. His phone call was at a time when I really needed to talk to someone, the week was filled with so much discouragement. I shared with him how just yesterday I was sitting at the table having supper, I was just sitting there watching Lauren eating her’s. She was feeling around her Minnie Mouse plate with her tiny fingers, searching for her food. My heart skipped a beat as I realized she wasn’t seeing with her eyes but her hands. Her severe vision impairment, which I prefer to call it, was more then I could bare. Please tell me where the fairness is in that!? But on ‘good days’ I believe that God is in control, He knows best, even in my wavering unbelief.
I want to encourage those today who have walked down life’s ‘unfair’ path and have questioned God. Don’t feel guilty, God understands your hurt, your pain and your questions. Believe, even when you feel you have nothing left, when you feel you have hit rock bottom, He’s there. Hope, when hope seems that it’s nowhere to be found, it’s still there. You can find it! It’s what keeps us moving forward.
Our Reality
So what do I mean when I say, ‘we did not create our own reality’. It most commonly means that we didn’t create the world in which we live, and this includes how we think and feel. We certainly live in a society that definitely tries to convince us that this is not true (and I respect that). But from my own life experiences, I find this to be my truth. No matter how I used the ‘power of positive thinking’ or ‘like attracts like’ (The Secret). Everything in my life didn’t come falling into my lap. If that were the case nothing bad would ever happen to us and we know that is not true. And then there are others who might interpret this to mean that if you think negative thoughts, bad things will happen (or think positive thoughts and good things will happen). Yes we can think both negative and positive thoughts but they will not dictate our reality. My thoughts, due to my mental illness, are sometimes distorted, lack of concentration, losing train of thought, memory loss; all which lead me to a disabling reality. So in short, it suggests that by controlling your thoughts, you can control your destiny. When in fact I am not always in control of my thoughts because if I were there would be no room for negative thinking. So I could ‘try’ to think positive thoughts but that is not being realistic, neither is it being a pessimist. Sometimes I feel we have a tendency to brush the negative thoughts under the rug because we just don’t want to deal with them. And by doing so they will just go away. I think not! It’s our way of coping.
There is a ‘LITTLE’ truth to this idea that we create our own reality. For example, if we’re looking for negative things all the time, sure enough, we will find them. Or, if we look for the positive, we will find it too. Therefore, we do have some control over that for which we look.
That said, the overall statement is hogwash!
What you think does not control what happens to you. Some people have very bad lives for absolutely no reason. They did not ‘think’ incorrectly nor is there anything wrong with their character. Similarly, some people have great lives for no reason. These people are not superior; they don’t ‘think’ in a better way, lets just say they are luckier.
Now I better back up with what I just said with some proof. Take a child who is starving to death in a third world country. That child did nothing wrong. That child cannot think their way out of their situation. That child will die, not through any fault of their own. They will die because life is cruel at times and unfair and they were born in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Me on the other hand was not born in a third world country. I was born in Canada, a fairly rich country. That doesn’t make me better than the child in the third world country. But it sure gave me an advantage over the child in the third world country and I did nothing to deserve it. Guess I was just luckier?
The people that think they can create their own reality, are people with good realities. They seem to think they did something ‘right’ to manifest these realities. We all have to take responsibility for our own lives; we have to do what we can with what we have. You might be fortunate enough to be born into a rich family, you did nothing to make that happen.
Where am I going with all of this you may ask? Well, I was born with a mental illness. I have spent years of my life in a life-threating depression. There is no amount of thinking that could free me from this prison. And there is no amount of thinking that can get people out of all the horrible, unfair illnesses and life circumstances that strike people. So please stop blaming people for their own realities. I am not to blame for my own reality. I did not ask for this illness, no more then Lauren asked to be born with cerebral palsy. Your life could be going along wonderfully and then something terrible happens and there’s nothing you can do to stop it, it’s out of our control.
So while we don’t create our own reality, we do deal with reality in the best way we can. Life is not always easy, or smooth going, it’s certainly not always in our control. No matter what we are facing today, we can’t give up but we have to keep going and one day we will reach the finish line, supposedly we have to crawl, we will make it! 
I’m Just Tired
I’ve stated before in previous blogs that writing is therapy, there is a sense of unloading your mind of your ugly thoughts. So if that’s the case, I better start writing because my mind is in a scary place. I want to run, run for my life but where would that bring me? At a dead end! I need to write not just for me but for those who don’t have a voice, those who are screaming in silence. I write to help others understand to some degree; the horrors of this disease and to emphasize that this is a disease, an illness. And that it’s a very dangerous one at that and should never be taken lightly.
Those who suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks and other mental illness know all too well the disabling and crippling effects of this illness. Mental illness has the power to destroy and kill lives. And that is why medical attention is a must to survive this illness. Medication and other therapies may not be a cure but they certainly aid in coping with a mental illness and give hope to an illness that seems hopeless. An illness that destroys your will to live. That would be the most important statement that I could write that would sum up this illness called depression. It’s so important I think I need to repeat it again, ‘An illness that destroys your will to live.’ I know because I have been there many times.
Now here I am in the middle of a second wave of covid-19; a province in lockdown, a province in panic, a province in uncertainty. And here I am fighting to get through each day, with a virus that is playing havoc on my mind. My mental illness doesn’t do well in the best of times but throw a pandemic into my already out of control world and it makes for some really rough days. Try has I must to carry on, to live a normal life as possible. And so many days I fail, I just can’t rise above this illness, some days it wins. Days when fatigue takes over, tired of fighting, days when you just don’t want to participate in life anymore. Just getting through the day is a gigantic accomplishment. No matter how hard you try to be positive, to be happy, to live; you cannot force what is not there. I came across this quote today and it really sums up the kind of day I was having. “When people ask, ‘are you okay?’ And you say, ‘I’m just tired’. Yeah. Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of coping, tired of existing, tired of breathing, tired of living. I’m just done.”
Yet deep down inside I know I’m not done. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will keep trying, I will keep hoping, I will keep coping, I will keep existing, I will keep breathing, I will keep living. I will not give up. I cannot give up. I will find a way. Although today my depression told me otherwise but I will not listen, I will turn a deaf ear and keep fighting. No matter how rough the day, no matter the burden that I bare, the weight that I carry, I will not give up. Please help me God!
The reality of this illness is there is no cure. I cannot change that no more then a person with cancer can change their illness. But we fight to live the best life we can with what we have. And many times that just doesn’t seem like very much. Days when it takes all that is within us to just move, days when we just want to hide from the world; when we feel so inadequate, impatient and lost. Sometimes I know I’m too hard on myself, when really I should give myself a little credit. I am a survivor and so are you! 