Category: Life

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No Options Left!

The screams of terror, fear and pain fill the house. No, we are not watching a horror movie; it seems we are living it. Logan rushes to close the bedroom door because he can’t bare to hear his little sister in so much pain. It was just Monday, October 22,2018 that Lauren had her third spica cast removed. For anyone having a cast removed is never pleasant but for Lauren it’s even worse because her cerebral palsy exemplifies itself by spasticity(tightness)  of the muscles.

Because her muscles have been unable to move within the cast: they are now weak, tight and very little control over her movement. If she is moved at all, even to do a pamper change, throws her into an horrifying rage. We have to put her in a bath of epson salts and very warm water to help relax and awaken her now ‘sleeping’ muscles. Getting her from the bed to the bathtub is nothing short of a nightmare. She is clawing at my neck in hopes of getting relief from the fear and pain. Once she gets in the tub with Mommy, she starts to settle down and relax a little, to a point where she is just floating. We do this for about twenty minutes. Then its time to get out and the terror starts all over again.

Why am I telling you all of this? It’s because I want to educate and make you aware of what’s involved in caring for a child with a disability. And also to make you aware that our insensitive, non caring, non compassionate Government does nothing to help. We has her parents feel so all alone and no support, we have to provide 24/7 care ourselves with  no respite care because we can’t pay for it ourselves and our Government as declined  any help whatsoever. We are not complaining about what we have to do, because we love Lauren and would give our lives for her. But we believe we deserve a little help from our Government to receive some respite care. We are only human and we are running on empty and this road is just beginning and we are falling beneath the load already.

What do we have to do to get some help? I am tired of pleading with our Government officials MHA, MP, Minister of Health, Minister responsible for the Status of Persons with Disabilities, etc. Where did I get with all this advocating? No Where!

Where else can I go? What else can I do? We have run out of options and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Who can help? Who will help? Someone as to do something and I’m calling upon our Government to get their heads out of the sand, to hell with policy and do what’s right for this little girl and her family.

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A Father’s Plea

This is a post I put on Facebook, but I thought I would share it on my blog as well:

On Monday Lauren will have an X-ray to see if her cast is ready to come off, we are praying that everything is healed and the cast will be removed. It is far beyond my finite understanding how she can endure what she does. She as practically spent all summer and up to this present day in bed and in a body cast. I know people mean well and say things like; ‘ well that’s great that she is out of cast’ and it is. But it’s then the pain begins and we have to listen helplessly as she screams through days of intense therapy. We have to believe there is an infinite God of mercy, grace and strength for all of us; including Logan who feels every pain that ‘Sissy’ endures.
I am a firm believer in prayer but I also believe that faith without works is dead. So I am putting this out there, as much as we need prayer, Lauren is also in need of so much; including her own accessible bathroom, a stander which cost $3000 and the list will just keep growing. We will never be able to provide her with any of this because of our limited income. I know there are those out there who could provide her with anything she needs and it wouldn’t put a dent in your bank account but yet you say you pray for her and I thank you. And there are people that say, ‘is there anything we can do’? Well, I’m asking and the ball is in your court. May God today open someone’s heart and realize that all needs are not across the sea but some are right here at home.
The bible says,’you have not because you ask not’; well I am swallowing my pride for Lauren’s sake, and asking. I am not exploiting Lauren’s situation but sharing that you may get an understanding of where we are. Lauren can get nothing from Government funding and our fundraising is just not enough to meet her needs. She deserves so much better, her life thus far has been filled with so much pain and we have to do all that we can do to make her life a little more comfortable. Because we know her suffering is not over, her journey is just beginning. Please don’t leave us alone to ‘walk’ this journey alone, we need you!
A plea for help from an helpless Father,
Harris

 

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In His Hands

Night falls, day breaks; what will this day bring? Can I do this again? My strength is depleting , but life requires so much endurance and I wonder where does my strength come from? As a human being we have a limited supply, there is a fuel tank and there are times when I feel I am running on empty. But then once again that still small voice speaks to me and reminds me that, ‘He is my strength’.Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”. Exodus 15:2 says, “The Lord is my strength and my song, He has given me victory”. Nehemiah 8:10 “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength “.

My life is anything but stress free. I am sure we all have stress in our lives and I am not comparing. I am just sharing my experience, to remind myself and to help others who feel they have no hope. I suffer from depression and have so all my life, I was born with it, genetics plays a big role in my illness. Choice was never an option. Do I become angry and blame everything that ever went wrong on my illness? I can and have but that’s the past, I cannot live there anymore. I now try to live in the moment (notice I said ‘try’, sometimes my human side tries to go back). But Philippians 3:13-14 says, “But one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus”. Is this easy to do? Not at all but in order to survive and live a life that is somewhat ‘normal’ I have no choice. I just pray everyday for His strength, to be mine. And I have to believe that His promises are true.

Everyday I am plagued with my illness, it’s a never ending battle. Would I like to be healed of this illness? Of course I would, there’s nothing I would like more (except for Lauren’s healing). But that’s not God’s will right now for Lauren or me. Does that make me angry, discouraged and question God? Yes it does! But so did the apostle Paul, he pleaded with God to remove his ‘thorn in the flesh’. But God said, ‘no’. He does assure us though of His grace and strength in our sickness and infirmities. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, ‘And He (God) said to me (Paul), ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness’. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me’. ‘For when I am weak, then I am strong’. The dictionary definition of infirmity is ‘a physical or mental weakness’. I guess for me that would be my mental disorder, it’s what makes me feel weak but in reality because of this weakness, Christ’ power rests upon me and therefore I am strong. What an amazing encouragement for those of us who feel weak, beaten down and broken. Our strength is renewed daily through Him who died for us.

So on those days when I feel like a nobody, worthless, hopeless and good for nothing; I am forever reminded of God’s love for me. I don’t measure myself anymore by Society’s standards because if I do, I will surely fail and never measure up. But God loves me just as I am, Jeremiah 31:3 ” I have loved you, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself”. On those days when I don’t love myself, God reminds me that I am His and He loves me with an unconditional, everlasting love. Roman’s 8:38-39 reminds me every day; “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord”.

Today we have to take Lauren back to the Janeway for her post surgery check up. Here we have our five years old little girl lying in bed with a body cast (for the third time). Does that give me cause to be angry, sad, to question? Yes, of course it does, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. I bring her to the Lord in prayer for healing, but that healing never comes. Is that cause to be upset and question God? In my human weakness, yes it is. But I know that God is much greater than I am and He knows what He’s doing, He knows what’s best, even when I feel lost and helpless; He’s still in control. And I have to learn to take it one day at a time and to trust in Him fully. Lauren is in His hands, whatever the future holds; we are all IN HIS HANDS.

Whatever this day may bring, I know I am not alone. My strength comes from Him and Him alone. So be encouraged today; God loves you; you’re IN HIS HANDS!

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Back To School Disaster

Have you ever felt beaten down; well I feel beaten down today. Ever since our child came into the world, we’ve been like any other parent and want nothing but the best for her. But that best is so obstructed by so many different means. And sadly to say, it’s only parents of special children that understand.

Excuse my expression, but it best sums  it  up, “You are damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t”. I have advocated for disabled children on so many levels, it certainly doesn’t win you any popularity contest. But I’m not in this for the prestige or the social status. In reality, people look at you, as if you are committing a crime. Dare not fight for equal rights, all inclusion, accessibility, policy change or disturb the comfort zone of the ‘normal child’.

I am so amazed at our ‘all informed society”; that kids today don’t know what a wheelchair is. If parents could just take a moment and educate their children that we are all different, even if we don’t have a disability (a one we can’t see anyway). And different is not a bad thing, it’s okay to be different. For those who don’t know how to explain what a wheelchair is, I will do it for you. A wheelchair is a chair that has wheels that allows a person that has legs that don’t work because their brain is damaged and can’t tell their legs to move. Therefore they require a wheelchair to provide mobility (allows them to get from point A to point B) so they can move around independently. Having legs that don’t work is no different then someone having eyes that don’t work properly and therefore they have to wear glasses to see. Or maybe someone has ears that cannot properly hear and thus they have to wear hearing aids in their ears to hear. Because you have a disability doesn’t mean you have a intellectual disability; I’ve met people standing on two legs with very little intellect. It’s not rocket science, it’s simple; diversity is what makes us unique not defected.

Again this week, that ugly word came up again, policy, don’t get me wrong policy is great if it works; whether it’s our health care system, education system or legal system. But trying to adapt and adjust a five year old little girl with CEREBRAL PALSY into the school system that is bombarded by policy. WE can’t do this because that’s our policy, we can’t do that because that’s our policy; then to hell with policy. If it’s not working, and obviously it’s not, then it’s time for some change or a little tweaking. If this little girl is forced into an environment that she sees as frightening, scary and overwhelming and CP just intensifies these emotions. Then certainly our school system can adapt and adjust to a little change in policy to accommodate a little child, for what’s best for her; not the system. After all aren’t we living in an all inclusive society? So let’s protect our children, not the system. And for that to be done in “a nurturing, supportive, INCLUSIVE environment where all children are challenged and valued”. This week my thoughts have been challenged and disturbed to the cop out in order to save one from having to deal with conflicts to ‘policy’.

In order for this little girl to adjust properly, due to her CP, requires her to do it gradually with a parent or someone she is totally comfortable with, present to reassure her that this is a safe environment. This will only happen when she is introduced on HER terms; not the schools, not the unfamiliar team and certainly not the policy. Once she is eased into the environment, the parent can gradually exit the building and she can become the independent, intelligent and happy child that we know she was and is. If the school is not willing to make these adjustments, then this little girl will be having a very short school year. And only those who can help are the ones who right now strictly enforce policy that obviously requires leniency in practice.

For the protection of the school and child; names have been withheld.

 

 

 

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I’m Done

It seems like forever since I have written a blog about me. I sat down in my office, put the white, blank paper in front of me, equipped myself with my weapon; the pen. And stared blankly out the window in front of the desk, with not a word to write. I was DONE, empty, tired and alone. Maybe it wasn’t that I didn’t have anything left to write about but maybe my mind was bombarded with thoughts and I just didn’t know where to start.  I wanted  thoughts to heal myself and words to help someone else. But I felt neither.

I’ve been down this road so many times, and yet today feels like this is my first entry. Depression and anxiety are so hard to write about; the vastness of their symptoms and their indescribable pain, make it impossible to write on paper.  Yes, I have come so far but life’s triggers make it so easy to go two steps back. It’s a constant battle that I will probably have to fight for the rest of my life. But because of how far I have come, I believe I can do this. Not for anyone else but for me. That may sound selfish but in reality it’s not at all. Let me explain; depression is an illness for me, it’s not a feeling that I can turn on or off. I cannot make myself better for someone or something else, it doesn’t work that way. If it did I would have done that a long time ago. If my heart is sick; I can’t fix it. If my kidneys were sick; I can’t fix it. If my brain is sick (and it is, I am not denying that); I can’t fix it!

What I do every day is work with what I have. Some days are fairly good, other’s are not; not unlike any other illness. My depression as told me so many lies but I have come to terms with that and accepted that that’s what they are; lies. My illness as told me I am weak, when in reality in order to cope with this illness, you require the strength that is far beyond our own human strength and for that I give God all the Glory. Another lie; I am worthless, when really I am bought with a price. And nothing can separate me or you from the love of God. No matter what we have done, how worthless we feel; God loves us just as we are. My illness as made me feel so insecure within myself; I am not a good father, I am not a good husband, I am not……and the list goes on. But these insecurities stem from what depression as stolen from me. But everyday, day by day, I’m taking it back. It’s hard work and it’s going to take time but I am determined, with God’s help, to conquer every battle this illness throws in my path.

I’m taking back everything that I have lost, it may take a lifetime but I will do it. I am certainly not there yet, I have a lot of work to do. But I am worth it, I am strong, I am secure, I am courageous, I am a fighter. And if you are out there and you know what I’m talking about; you can do it too. Believe in God, believe in yourself, just believe! You can do it!

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Lauren’s Wish

It’s summer; warm refreshing days, long evenings, free time to play, children running, jumping, skipping, swimming. Enjoying all that life has to offer with no expectations, just pure freedom.  And for children that’s exactly what it should be. They deserve nothing but the best, free of the responsibilities and cares that we as adults have to undertake as part of life.

For a few children this is not necessarily the case. The things that most parents just take for granted ( I’m not blaming them) we pray everyday for Lauren. Cerebral Palsy as stolen so much from her. But we try so desperately to give her a life of hope, normalcy, play and to explore the world as she sees it.

The older Lauren gets the more we realize that Lauren as so many obstacles to overcome, not just from her illness but also from society as a whole.  From getting from point A to point B requires our assistance. Accessibility will always be a struggle, because not everywhere you go is wheelchair accessible. I have been an advocate, on Lauren’s behalf, to make our space in this world a little more accessible. Surprisingly enough and sadly, not everyone are too anxious to conform to accessibility. Then we are experiencing the ugliness of inclusion; not always do we find people/organizations with open arms to include Lauren as an equal member of society. Sometimes being all inclusive turns out to be quite the opposite.  But again, I will be Lauren’s advocate and make sure that she feels included. Just  because her legs aren’t working and she as to use a wheelchair; makes her no different then if a child is wearing eyeglasses to see or hearing aids to hear. All inclusive means just that; ALL inclusive, none left out.

We are not in denial, everyday is a constant reminder of Lauren’s challenges but that doesn’t mean we don’t want the best for her but in order for that to happen we may have to overcome many obstacles, challenges, struggles, stigma, ignorance and false hopes. We still have days when we wish Cerebral Palsy would just go away and leave us alone. To let Lauren just live a ‘normal’ life. We understand that everyone has their own struggles, hurts and pain but I’m writing about Lauren’s today. Sometimes I wonder will we ever get to a point of acceptance; I don’t think so, not as of today anyway.

Lauren’s last words before falling to sleep last night was, “I wish I could walk like Bruddy.” What do you say? How do you say it? Lauren ‘may’ never walk like Bruddy. We have already been told that Lauren will always need the assistance of a wheelchair, walker and aids. Do we accept the expertise advice of the medical field? To be honest, I don’t know anymore!

If we don’t, we have one option left. And that would be a miracle from God Himself. Would that be possible? I pray it would be. Yesterday the statement was going over and over in my head, ‘If Jesus could do it then; He can do it now.’ Well, here she is Lord, she’s all yours. If you want her to walk, do your work! But if not, please help us to accept your will and please carry her over the many bumpy roads she is going to come in contact with. At those times may you carry her…..

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Are the Roads Bumpy Today?

I know sometimes it seems like my blog is all about my own illness and sometimes that’s probably true because I feel I can talk about myself and it doesn’t bother me too much. I try desperately to update and fill you in on Lauren’s journey with her cerebral palsy. But to be honest; I often put it off because at times it is just too painful to write about. An innocent angel that doesn’t deserve what life has put in her path. The last time I shared was on May 16th, when Lauren had her osteotomy on her left hip. And then she was in a spica cast for 6 weeks; we did all survive but it was rough going. Lauren has had more then her share of pain and challenges. And then  there’s Logan who’s caught in between all this chaos. But he’s such a great, big brother; they just adore each other.

Just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse; on June 26th she had the cast removed. We were certainly not prepared for the horrific pain that Lauren would have to endure. For weeks, every time she moved she would go into a rage of screaming in pain and fear. This was especially difficult for Logan as well, he didn’t like for his little sister to be in so much pain.

It’s now July 8th and Lauren is still having pain and pretty much confined to her bed where she fines most relief from pain. She is very limited now to what she can do; she does sit up in her chair for approximately 45 minutes but then she wants to go back to bed. And riding in the van is very uncomfortable and painful, especially on a bumpy road and most of our roads are fairly rough. I was putting her in the van today and she said, ‘are the roads bumpy today?’.

Today, July 10th, Lauren saw her surgeon again. He wanted to do the other hip next week but couldn’t get it worked out, so he is now hoping for the following week. How are we going to put her through all of this again? Oh my God, life is so unfair. No matter how many tears that fall, it doesn’t change a thing. No matter how many prayers we pray, the reality of the torture, pain and tears don’t go away.

The continuous, never ending surgery after surgery consumes every ounce of strength we have. Days when you feel you have nothing left to give but you have to go on. So much depends on us, so much responsibility, so much care. Lord, how do we do this again and again? My faith cries out to you today, please help! We cannot do this alone; a power, a strength greater than ourselves has to intervene. Please help us to trust in you. Our ship is sinking in this storm of life; please wake up, don’t you care that we perish?

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Guilty

I feel guilty, guilty that I feel sad, empty, useless, lost…. I could go on and on. When will this ever end? Will my tears ever stop from flowing? I’m usually the one trying to encourage someone else through this horrible, never ending (it seems) illness of depression. But today I need someone to encourage me and tell me it’s going to be okay and that I will get through this again.

As I write, tears stain my paper, I try to stop them but they won’t stop. The fear overpowers any thoughts that I may have. It awakens me from my sleep and panic starts to creep in. I tell myself it’s going to be okay, that I’m okay; but the fear tells me that maybe I’m relapsing. But I know I cannot let that happen; but how do I stop it from happening? For someone who has this disorder, it’s like saying I’m going to stop myself from getting cancer. Yes there are things we can do to help prevent both illnesses but we cannot stop it from happening. But I have to stop it! I/we will not survive another relapse. This illness can destroy anything in it’s path. Just like a raging forest fire; it can consume anything in it’s path.

I’m trying desperately to stay out of it’s path. To find a way to safety and refuge. It’s so hard to try and talk about how I am feeling. The words that would fall from my lips are not words you want to share. Words you just want to hide and never have to speak. But sometimes I just have to talk, to write, to blog; or if not, I would explode and drown in my own despair.

I’m wanting so desperately not to have to fight anymore. Why can’t I just ‘be’? I’m tired of fighting, tired of having to be what the world expects me to be. When in reality the last few days have been brutal, when behind my curtain of shame and guilt, I’m not feeling like the life of the party.

Why now? Why does it feel like I’m lost in a sea of desperation? Maybe I do have a lot on my plate; triggers that awaken my sleeping monster of depression. Overwhelmed by life itself but I have to be strong, be happy, be alive. When in reality, I feel depression as killed my spirit. Is there hope that my spirit can be revived? Can I resuscitate my deflated spirit? I must, I will, I shall!

Is it possible to rebuild and restore my broken spirit? It seems today is a day of questions but I need answers. I have to believe they will come. Maybe there are some questions that have no answers. Because they are questions, I guess doesn’t necessarily mean that they have answers. Maybe tomorrow will come with a renewed spirit, a mended broken heart, a new lease on life. There has to be a breakthrough, there just has to be!

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty because I’m having a bad few days. If I had any other illness, would I feel guilty? Why is it that mental illness is associated with so much guilt, shame and embarrassment?  I’m hurting and in pain; and for that I will not apologize. I just live in hope that tomorrow will be better.

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Through The Fire

May I be real, honest and truthful? Why do I feel the need to be  honest? Why can’t I for once tell you a lie? And my answers, why can’t they be what I would love them to be? Why do they have to be what I so don’t want them to be? Why? Why? Why?

The day is saturated with sunshine and beauty on this Saturday morning. God’s creation is alive and in full bloom; the trees, flowers and even the grass, expresses the awesomeness of God’s handiwork. This is what my eyes see.

But no matter what I see with my eyes, I cannot deny what I feel mentally and on the inside. But  God I’ve been in this storm long enough, please stretch forth your hand and speak, “Peace be still”. I’ve passed through the waters, I’ve walked through fire and at times I feel  I’m drowning and times when I feel I’m consumed by the flames. But please remind again of your promise to me that, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze” Isaiah 43:2 NIV. But Lord, why do I feel like I’m drowning, burning with this storm? My mental illness still sweeps over me like a river, it’s flames consumes me like a raging forest fire. But my faith still looks up to you, my trust is still in you. Please remind me dear Lord, that you are in control and you won’t let me/us go.

There’s a song that The Crabb Family sings, Through the Fire; that really sums up what I’m feeling and trying so desperately to express.

Through the Fire
The Crabb Family
So many times I question the certain circumstances
And things I could not understand.
Many times in trials my weakness blurs my vision
And that’s when my frustration gets so out of hand.
It’s then I am reminded, I’ve never been forsaken.
I’ve never had to stand one test alone.
As I look at all the victories, the Spirit rises up in me.
And It’s through the fire my weakness is made strong.
He never promised that the cross would not get heavy
And the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered a victory without fighting.
He said help would always come in time.
Just remember when you’re standing in the valley of decision
And the advisory says give in, Just hold on.
Our Lord will show up (Yeah)
And He will take you through the fire again
I know within myself that I would surly perish
If I trust the hand of God, He’ll shield the flame again.
He never promised that the cross would not get heavy
And the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered a victory without fighting.
He said help would always come in time.
Just remember when you’re standing in the valley of decision
And the advisory says give in, Just hold on.
Our Lord will show up (Yeah)
And He will take you through the fire again
Just hold on
Our Lord will show up (Yeah)
And He will take you through the fire again.
So, yes, I’m walking through the fire; but I’m walking. We live our lives with so much uncertainty, it’s not black or white for us. Lauren’s cerebral palsy alone has brought so much heartache and questions that it could literally break the heart of God.
Lauren was sitting on the sofa this morning, doing her ‘homework’. Then she ask me to bring her to her bed and as I’m carrying her, my heart is breaking. She has no mobility whatsoever and every step she makes, we make them for her. I was once again reminded of her limitations.
It’s such a beautiful day and i just want her to run outside and play. I don’t even envy other children or wish for Lauren what they have, I just want what’s best for Lauren. And today sadness and heartache ravishes my body for her sake. Only us and God really knows what’s in store for Lauren and its a long, hard road. Today I’m a little angry, maybe angry that I’m so helpless and there’s so much that’s out of our control. I just want to fix her; and maybe she’s not broken at all. Maybe it’s me that really needs to be fixed but I can’t even do anything about that.
One morning this week, Lauren wanted to pick a promise for Daddy from the promise box we have nestled on the side table. Maybe she knew I needed to be reminded of God’s faithfulness. The promise is taken from Jeremiah 29:11. “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. Oh to have the faith of a child.
Today I will pray for strength, wisdom and guidance. So when I am going through deep waters and rivers, when I walk through the fire; may I have the assurance that I am not alone and He has a plan already sat in motion to give me hope and a future. In Him will I trust; even “Through the Fire”.
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Two Shoes

Today is Church day, a day of rest; not in our case. Lauren dictates the mood of the morning, and so would I if I were in a body cast. Her bath now consist of a bed bath and her hair being washed in the kitchen sink by lying her on the counter and her head in the sink. You do what you have to do, it definitely takes two of us to accomplish this task.

Her bed bath doesn’t go all that smoothly; pain, hurt, and discomfort seems to be the order of the morning. This is a timely procedure, with her popping tears from her eyes as big as raindrops. And you are holding back tears because you know if you start, they will never stop. None of this makes any sense and life seems so unfair, for a little child to have to suffer so.

Then its time to put on her Sunday best and top it off with her princess shoes. But then she realizes; I only have one shoe on and I have two feet. She can’t understand the concept that one cast practically covers her foot, while the other foot is totally exposed. So she cries all the way to church because she only has one shoe.

I explain to her that we can’t go into the Church with her screaming and if she doesn’t calm down, we’ll have to go back home. So she seems to understand and stops crying. By this time I am so frustrated, heartbroken and helpless; I don’t know how I’m going to go inside and pretend that we are having an amazing morning. And put on my ‘expected’ Christian smile and worship.

I make it to the doors, with my my anxiety through the roof, and without turning around  and making a run for home; I enter the Church. I’m already  late and that doesn’t go over well with me, my anxiety requires me to be there ten minutes before church starts. But not this morning.

I wheel us into our usual spot and take a breath; a big, deep breath. I lean over and she quietly says, ‘I want two shoes’. Now I can’t hold back the tears anymore, I am totally overwhelmed with the situation and life.  Right at that moment it was more then I could bare. So I thought, what do I do? I was at the end of my resources and I felt Lauren’s doctor’s were playing Russian  roulette with Lauren’s mobility. As a family we could not take anymore, nor could we do anymore.

I decided there and then; well if we can’t , Jesus can. I had to believe that. He was our only resort, our only hope. Quoting Pastor Isaiah, ‘So when we are at the end; Jesus is at the beginning’ (something like that). So without any hesitation, I brought my little girl to Jesus and I have to believe that He met us there at the front of that Church; I laid her on the altar (not literally), I gave her back to God. Me with my broken heart and broken mind and Lauren in desperate need of a touch from the Master. I pictured Him taking Lauren up in His arms and saying, ‘It’s going to be alright my child’. I prayed so earnestly for God’s intervention in our lives because without Him, we were falling apart. Our family was torn apart by life’s trials and only He could fix it.

Eventually Lauren will get to wear two shoes, but not only wear them but walk in them. If I don’t see it here on earth, I will see it in Heaven; we will cross the finish line one way or another. But we will win!

Isaiah 35:6 ‘Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy. Water will gush forth in the wildness and streams in the desert.’