Wings To Fly

When Lauren was diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy at the age of one, little did we realize just what we were about to encounter. Lauren is now six and the battle still rages. It’s not just about the actual struggles that we have to encounter with Lauren’s physical, psychological and emotional needs that are associated with cerebral palsy. But it’s also the strain that CP puts upon the whole family unit. It’s the financial strain and stress that it places on the parents to provide even the basic needs for a disabled child. It’s the worry of being able to provide adequate care when your limited resources are just not enough.

Lauren’s kindergarten year has been anything but smooth. It’s now April 2019 and she is just starting to readjust to being in school. Lauren as spent all Fall and Winter recovering from two hip reconstructive surgeries, it’s only now that she’s feeling much better. Her transition back into the classroom is going really well, as long as we take it slow and steady.

One of the more difficult challenges would be the financial burden it places on  us. For example, Lauren requires much needed equipment and aids in order to care for her properly and safely. But we don’t qualify for any Government assistance whatsoever. So anything Lauren requires, we have to find a way to purchase it and that would be through fundraising. And we as her parents should not have to depend on fundraising to meet her needs; Government funding should be available for all disabled children, not just a few. This is why we have advocated so diligently on her behalf because she and others like her deserve every opportunity that every other child avails of.

This is why we have advocated through every means available including; social media, television, radio, internet, and newspaper. This is one of my post that I published recently on social media:

I don’t consider myself a political person, I really didn’t have any reason or motivation to get involved. To be honest, I rarely voted. But I will certainly make my vote count in this election! And it certainly won’t be for the present party. Right now I have lots of reason and motivation to get involved. When our now, six year old little girl got diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy, little did I know just how involved in politics I would have to be. I have advocated on her behalf, to every Government Department and Level available to me; with absolutely no success. All we needed was some respite care to help us with Lauren who needs 24/7 care, all we got was, ‘you don’t qualify’. Yet here we were two parent on disability, caring for a disabled child; who could be more qualified for assistance? But to this present day we have received no help, no funding, no nothing from a ‘Disabled Government’! We are so desperate for help in caring for Lauren but our present Government as just turned their backs on us but not just us but a six year old little girl who is so deserving of so much more. Shame on our present Government and present MHA who’s last correspondence to us was (and I’m quoting her), ‘Here’s some federal info-‘ Need I say any more! This post stirred up a lot of interest and public awareness of what parents of disabled children really need. Shortly thereafter CBC Here & Now and CBC Radio did amazing stories of our struggle and fight for Government support.

Another great need would be respite care, for which we qualify for none. And sad to say, ‘we are not the only parents that are struggling for the same basic needs’. We are taking care of Lauren 24/7, around the clock care. The toll this as had on us has her parents is both physically and mentally draining to the point where you are surviving, not living. This is no way for anyone to live, both our children deserve so much better but sad to say, ‘both suffer because our Government will not intervene’. If Government is not willing to listen and to make changes to our present system, then these helpless children from all across Newfoundland and Labrador, will be deprived of the proper care that they require and deserve.

Maybe what is needed is for all parents with disabled children, who are not able to financially provide  and care properly for their children due to lack of finances, is to drop our children off at the Premier’s Office and say, ‘Now you take care of them and you decide which ones should ‘fall through the cracks’ (direct quote from Premier Ball). And maybe the MHA could offer him some respite care. But the message needs to get out there, loud and clear, that we are not going anywhere and we will continue to advocate for our children (speaking for all parents in the same situation as we are) until we are heard.

The road that Lauren is travelling, is a road with many twists and turns; you never know what’s around the corner, it’s a road that never ends. Cerebral Palsy is so unpredictable and ever changing, each day brings with it new challenges and new road blocks. But Lauren is a Warrior Princess and will fight for what she needs. She is strong, courageous and brave and will overcome any obstacle that is put in her path.  She may not walk (right now) but she does have wings to fly!

 

 

 

 

The Seasons Come And Go

Winter as finally passed and Spring is so desperately trying to unfold. With Spring comes that feeling of new life, new beginnings, fresh hope and a warmth that inspires the soul. The cold, chilly winter season as reluctantly become another memory in time. Much as happened; good and bad. But yet we have survived another season; another season of life.

I can’t honestly say that the past several months hasn’t come without it’s tough times. It’s been rough on all of us, to say our life is simple, would be an understatement. Living with mental illness and cerebral palsy would be enough to send any family’s life into a whirlwind. And lots of days that’s what it feels like; you are living in a whirlwind. Where life is spinning out of control and you’re fighting to hold the pieces together. Some days you may feel like you’re winning and other days like you are loosing the fight.

With my mental illness, I must say it’s still an everyday struggle but most days now, I feel it’s a struggle that I am winning. I guess it’s like someone who has diabetes, they still have it but they have it under control. And for me with my depression and anxiety, I feel on most days I have it under control.  But each day still requires a lot of self talk, keeping my thoughts from becoming distorted and unrealistic, trying to keep life as ‘normal’ as possible and live in the moment. Is this easy to do? No, not at all but if I am going to beat this living hell, then this is what I have to do on a daily bases, if I am going to survive; I can never let my guard down. And maybe with this new season of Spring may come new life, new hope and new beginnings for all of us.

Lauren has certainly had her share of pain, hurt and uncertainties. The cold winter months have found her spending most of it in bed, recovering from two major hip surgeries, that can only be described as horrific. No child should have to suffer what this child as endured and will still have to endure in the months to come. Her first hip surgery was performed in May 2018, the second was done September 2018. It’s now April 2019 and it’s only now that I can say that she is bouncing back from her ordeals. She as missed majority of her school year in kindergarten. We are now in the process of gradually introducing her back into the school setting, which as to be done slowly, cautiously and at her own pace, due to her high levels of anxiety. But she is doing fairly well and her school as been so accommodating during this transition period and for that we are so thankful.

Life for us as parents of a disabled child will never be the same again. And I don’t say that in a selfish way but in a realistic way. I know that the only parents that will truly understand what I mean; are parents that are privileged to have a disabled child. Lauren may be six years of age but right now we still have a six year old baby. We do the exact same things for her now as when she was a baby. Except now it’s harder because she as grown to be a big girl, who requires constant lifting. And the 24/7 care doesn’t end and doesn’t get any easier.

I believe that life for all of us at this season of Lauren’s life is a little tougher. Lauren is so aware, so intelligent and so full of questions; questions that we don’t always know how to answer. For instance, yesterday we were going outside and out of nowhere she asked, “Daddy why do I have to be in a wheelchair?” I’m sorry but I wish that no child would ever have to ask that question. She’s realizing now, more then ever, especially since she’s gone back to school; that not all kid’s are in wheelchairs. So she’s wondering and asking, why am I in a wheelchair? It was only recently she asked Lisa, “Mommy, when you were a little girl, were you in a wheelchair?” How can we live without having a broken heart? There will always be moments like these when our hearts are torn from our bodies. And just one more heart wrenching moment, when she asked me while we were just lying in her bed, “Daddy did you see me when I done a cartwheel?” And I lied and said, “Yes my angel and that was the best cartwheel I have ever seen in my life”.

Nature may have four distinct seasons; Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer. All of which will come and go at it’s own designated times. Much like the seasons of life. Right now I am at a different season in my mental health then I was last year at this time. And right now Lauren is at a different season of her cerebral palsy and we have discovered that those seasons are forever evolving and changing. We just have to learn to adjust to each individual season and to learn to find warmth in the coldness, sunshine in the rain, new life amidst the dying dreams. Healing and hope when the season as gone.

 

 

 

 

 

Living Through Trauma

When I sit in my ‘man cave’ (our office) I feel like I’m in my safe place and I can close the door and leave the world outside. But that’s not really true, I believe it creeps in under the door and through the cracks. But it’s in my ‘man cave’ that I find refuge, strength and distraction; my greatest source of therapy. For it’s here I can read, write my blogs, paint and just mediate or pray. Oh yah, I forgot, and I become ‘Walter on da line’. All of these various activities have helped so much in helping me escape the darkness or that feeling of knowing that something is just not right. That nagging, gut wrenching feeling of uneasiness. Words really cannot describe how it really feels.

As I sit here in the early hours of the morning, there’s a deafening silence. I’m not comfortable with silence, it scares me, afraid of what thoughts I might hear. So I grab my pencil and start writing, I’ve needed to write but didn’t know what to say or where to start. You would think I have said everything I needed to say by now. But everyday brings new challenges, something new that triggers my brain to want to write about. Mental illness certainly has given me lots to share and the topics are endless.

Today I want to talk about trauma and how it affects your life, how we deal with it and how someone with a mental illness, especially depression and anxiety, can cope with it and survive. Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. Over my lifetime I have encountered many traumatizing experiences, all of which triggered my depression and anxiety disorder. So dealing with trauma in your life, while at the same time living with a mental illness, hits you with a double whammy. You are fighting two battles at the same time, which makes it even more distressing.

I’m going to be honest with you, there really aren’t any concrete answers. There’s no one thing that I can say to you that will make the pain go away, except time and that just deadens it for a while. There’s a lot of truth to the phrase, ‘time heals all wounds’. But I always say, ‘they leave such ugly scars’. Especially when it comes to trauma; we have to take just one day at a time and with each day there will come some healing.

I am not a trained professional, nor do I claim to be; but I have lived and survived through many traumatic experiences in my life.

I believe the first step is to talk to someone; whether that being a professional therapist, councillor, trusted friend or partner. Knowing that you are not alone and you have support is certainly your first step on your journey to healing.

We also have to accept that bad things happen to good people. It’s a part of life that we all will have to deal with at some time or another. I compare my life to a boat on the ocean. There are some days when we have a beautiful calm but then there are other days when we are in the midst of the raging seas. But we have to remember, storms don’t last forever; we just need to ride out the storm and eventually (sometimes longer then others) the storm will cease and the calm will come again.

If our trauma was caused by someone else; we have to forgive, we must ‘love your enemy’. Now that doesn’t happen overnight. Ecclesiastes says, ‘there’s a time to love and a time to hate’. Right now we may be at the hating stage, but with time we can learn to love again and let go of the anger. Holding on to anger and hate only hurts ourselves, so there are and were many times when I had to let it go and free myself and learn to forgive.

We also need to recognize our strength. Life may at times knock us down but we have to get up again. I believe experiencing painful events and trauma in our lives makes us more resilient. When we see that we have already survived, we know we can make it through again. We just have to keep getting up, never stay down.

Experiencing trauma in our lives can also give us greater compassion for other trauma survivors. We can relate on a new level because we ‘get it’. And relating to others can further provide a source of strength. It certainly gives us a sense of purpose in life when we know we are helping others and bringing some good into an already hurting world.

So if and when we do experience trauma in our lives, we can work through it and with time, will find healing and the hurt won’t hurt so bad. I hope I have encouraged you today and have given you some food for thought. We are stronger then we think, even in the roughest seas.

 

 

His Love Has No Limit

I believe it’s when I’m in the most pain, that God uses me the most. My pain triggers my brain to unleash what’s imprisoned in my mind. Some thoughts are impossible to describe by my pen, they have to be lived and felt in order to fully comprehend the pain they bring to one’s life. I am not referring here to the feeling of down-in-the-dumps kind of pain.

When major/clinical depression hits, and it can hit at any moment, without warning; one’s ‘self’ can disappear into the depression, you loose who you really are. Your personality is dissolved with your tears, your soul is destroyed by it’s flames, your being is no more. You exist, nothing more then a robot, you go through the motions. But you search and long for that ‘you’, the one that you once knew. The one that you felt love towards, now you hate what you have become. Not that I have become a monster but quite the opposite. There are times when it seems as though someone came into my space and turned the lights off; I was in complete darkness. That was the acute stage of this illness.

Today I still have this illness and struggle with it everyday. Not unlike someone with any other incurable illness have to struggle with theirs on a day to day bases. I still have days when I find it hard to even do the small tasks that need to be done, but I do them. I now know my limits and only do what I can with what I have. There are still days when sadness overflows me like a flood. And days when my strength and drive is at it’s lowest.

But having said all of that, I believe, and no I’m not getting all religious on you and no it’s not my illness or my medication talking, I am totally of a sound and sane mind. But I am going to tell you that the only way I have survived this illness thus far is through the constant presence of my Heavenly Father. On days when I am not doing so well, I hold onto His hand a little tighter. And when I was at the acute stage of my illness, when I could not hold on; then it was those days that He literally carried me. There is no other explanation. Nothing! The medical field can only do so much and then no more.

But then the Great Physician steps in. And that’s why I’m still here today, to tell you there is hope in Jesus. He is not my last resort but my only hope! And He can be yours too. No matter what you are struggling with today, no matter what your addiction is, no matter your illness, no matter your pain. It doesn’t matter how hopeless you feel, how far down you may be. Jesus can and will raise you up again! There is only one answer, when you feel you have exhausted all resources, He is ‘still’ there.

I want to leave with you a portion of a song that sums up this blog and reinforces what I’m trying to say:

His love has no limit, His grace has no measure, His pow’r has no boundary known onto men; For out of His infinite riches in Jesus, He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.                                                           When we have exhausted our store of endurance, When our strength has failed ere the day is half done; When we reach the end of our hoarded resources, Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

I pray today that this blog as reached the ears of the hurting, to the heart that is broken, to the soul that is helpless; may you find peace and healing in the one that loves you unconditionally. He loves you just as you are, no matter what. And if He’s not your Saviour today, it’s not too late. He loves you just as you are; broken, tired, hopeless and lost. Ephesians 2:8 “For by grace are you saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God”.

 

 

Living In An Unjust World

When Lauren was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy at the age of one; I knew we were in for the challenge of our lives. What I didn’t know was what those challenges would entail. We have had many obstacles, uncertainties, and battles that no human should have to fight. We have been bombarded by policy, protocol and ‘the Systems'( there are more then one).

If there ever was a day when I felt I failed my little girl, it was today. If there ever was a day I felt that the ‘systems’ failed her, then that would be every day. It’s been one disappointment after another, but why does it have to be that way? You would think a child with a disability would come first, no matter what; if it meant it was going to improve the quality of life for that child. But that’s not the way our society/world works. Agenda, policy and protocol supersedes the rights and privileges of even a little child. When you are faced with the real world, with a child who has a disability, you soon learn and experience things you would never believe otherwise.

I could share with you many injustices, discriminations, unfairness, inequalities, exclusions and the list could go on. I could name names of people from the school system, the School Board, the Dept. of Education itself, owners of public buildings, including Government buildings, all levels of Government from MHA’s-MP’s, Skate Canada; to name a few. But for our own sakes and the protection of our children, I won’t go there (right now anyway).

I have learned that we live in such a corrupt world, that human life is nothing more than a name or number on a piece of paper. We have fought many battles, that no parent should ever have to fight when they are already fighting against the biggest  battle of  their lives  already, by raising a child with no supports, with so many needs. But I have found that some battles are never meant to be won. And at this point because I have failed to win some of those battles, I feel I have failed.

Just to give you an example, here is an excerpt of an email that I sent to the Human Rights Commission (kind of ironic in a way that I felt I was fighting the Human Rights Commission for human rights!). “So it is with great regret that we wish to withdraw our complaint: not that I don’t believe we don’t have a solid and valid case but we just don’t have the money to pay for a lawyer to represent Lauren. We live in a very unjust Society, when a five year old, disabled child is denied legal counsel because we are not rich. I believe I have failed my little girl but I will not take all the blame, I also feel The Human Rights Commission as failed her because they have failed to provide her with the rights she so deserves as a human being, the Legal  System as failed her and Society as an whole. I will close this matter with a saddened and broken heart on behalf of Lauren. I am tired of fighting for Lauren’s rights and getting nowhere but I can say with certainty that I have tried with all I have, but there comes a time when you know you can do no more and I have reached that point”. This is just one of the many battles that we have been fighting behind the scenes, that nobody knows about and there are more.

The energy, the stress and stamina that is required to fight such needless battles is overwhelming. We are tired and exhausted but we have to go on and make the best life we can for Lauren, despite the forces that are against us.  She deserves so much more, but lives in an uncaring world (for the most part, not all); that policy, protocol and agenda come first. I feel nothing but sadness for those who enforce these policies and protocol. I don’t know how they sleep at night, when they would rather protect their own agenda over that of a five year old, disabled child. And that my friend, is why we live in an unjust world!

 

This Ugly Hell

Let me go for just five minutes, let the fetters that bind me be loosed. Let me feel that I’m okay, and not as fragile as what I feel. If I go outside my comfort zone, I  won’t fall apart. What’s it like to feel ‘normal’; I can’t remember.

The day wants me to just run and run; destination unknown. There is no where I can go to escape my tumultuous mind and find relief. Sleep helps but even in my sleep, my dreams haunt me with unforgettable terror. And in my subconscious mind I know I have to awake; awake to face the fears of another day.

The Goliaths of the day seem so defeating, I have no ammunition to fight back. I’ve been beaten down once too many times. My Goliath says, ‘stay down, don’t get up.’ But I can’t give up, there are those who depend on me, I have to keep fighting, to keep going. How many times do you have to be near defeat before you just give up and say, ‘I’ve had enough?’ The Goliaths of the day are not just my illness but in my family has an whole.

This battlefield in my mind, isn’t about my spirituality but my broken mind. A mind that is frightened to death, too afraid of living but even more fearful of dying. So I’m caught in the middle, in limbo, not really living life to it’s full potential but dying a slow torturous death. But wanting life, wanting purpose, wanting to feel human.

I remember those days when my mind and body were so sick, I just wanted to die. My brain was shut down and thus my body couldn’t function either. I was sick of trying medications that were of no benefit, giving me no reprieve, no hope. ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) had diminished what little brain function I had left.  When ECT failed, medications weren’t alleviating my symptoms, counselling and psychotherapy were not earth shattering but nothing that could really free my dying mind.

Life as never been the same and in all likelihood will never be the same again. We have experienced many life altering traumas. Every day of my journey of living with a mental illness, is a constant battle; a war that never ends. But learning to live with this broken mind is my only hope of surviving. I can put no dependence in the medical field to cure me (there is no cure) or even come close, nor do I expect someone else to take my pain.

Most days I feel I’m surviving because I have an hope in my Creator and there are days when I feel  nothing at all. But it’s those days that I hope in God that I feel I will survive this. I feel sad for people who are in my situation and suffer from a mental illness and have no hope at all. Where do they go? What do they do? Who do they turn to? I have hope because I have to believe there is a greater power then myself. And He will see me through,  even when I feel hopeless, when I feel helpless, when I feel all alone, when I feel defeated. I do have the hope that He is there with me and that keeps me going; one day at a time.

Many may say, ‘but you are a born again Christian. Why or how can you be feeling this way?’ It’s because when you become Christian you are not exempt from sickness. Jesus didn’t promise a life without trials and tribulations; what He did promise was to be with us through these storms and hardships. So I have to have faith that He is with me at all times, even when I am having a really bad day. Others may be thinking,’ but you have a beautiful family; a wife and two beautiful children. I do and I love them dearly but I also have an illness. For those who just don’t get it, that’s okay, maybe one day you will fall into the pit of depression and then you will know what I’m talking about, but I would not wish that for you; but none of us are exempt. It’s because I have a wonderful family that I  fight so hard to be well. If I had cancer, I would do the same. I would fight with everything I have in me to beat it. But sometimes we can fight and feel like we are loosing the battle.

Many days I  live in fear that I would have a relapse. But I try not to dwell on the ‘what if’s’ but live by faith, that the mercy and grace of God will see me through. Romans 8:37 ‘In all these things we are more then conquerors through Him that loved us’. So, I am a conqueror, I will fight, I will not give up! If you are reading this and you are suffering and in pain, let me encourage you today to put your trust and faith in the God who cannot fail.

To Just Belong

We live in a Society today where people’s greatest need is to just belong. Society dictates a standard that we all strive to achieve. That could be what we think the perfect father/mother is or should be, to achieve financial security, to having the white picket fence and house, the largest truck, coolest car, nicest clothes, social status and the list goes on. The longer the list, the more stress and pressure it imposes on us to strive to be that person. But we can try to achieve all that society imposes on us but we will always fall short of what we think we should be.

The need to have that material gain, social status and that perfect life is a recipe for disaster. What happens when all of ‘that’ comes falling down around us. Our white picket fence falls down, our neighbor gets a nicer car then ours, or worse, we come home one day and our spouse wants a divorce. It can get worse; what do you do when your child/children or yourself get sick , you loose your house through bankruptcy and the beautiful clothes you bought become too small; your physical appearance is shot. Living in our world it’s inevitable that we will have trouble, things won’t always go as planned. No one has that perfect life that society and social media try so desperately to portray.

Let’s be real; life is not perfect!  What happens when death knocks on our door? And it will, that we can be sure of. Are we ready to face the most devastating and cruelest part of life; that being death. I think sometimes we need to take our heads out of the sand and be real, let’s be realistic; our bubble is going to burst sooner or later.

What do we do then? When the bottom falls out of our make-believe world. Will we be able to stand on our own two feet? How will we cope? I believe we have to build our lives on a solid foundation and when the winds blow, the storm comes, the waves crashes up against us, the fire consumes us to ashes; then we are ready to face anything that life throws at us. But I believe we have to build our house on ‘the rock’ (the parable of Jesus found in Matthew 7:25); the rock Christ Jesus. “And  the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not; for it was founded upon a rock”.

What are you building your life on today? Will it stand against the storms of life? Or will you be washed away by the waves? Consumed by the storm! I have personally experienced my share of storms, but I’m still standing. Maybe because I chose to build on a firm foundation. It doesn’t matter if we do; we will still face storms, they will try to beat us down, wash us away, destroy us but God as promised to pick us up, to bring us through our storms; we are promised that He is with us, even ‘in’ the storm. We are never alone and He will meet our greatest need that Society can never meet; and that is our need to just belong. Isaiah 43:1 ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine’.

So what are you searching for? Have you been disillusioned by life and Society’s expectations?  Do you feel you don’t belong, you don’t fit in? Mother Teresa once stated, ‘The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis but rather the feeling of not belonging’. But let me encourage you today and encourage myself; we do belong, we do have a purpose, we are a somebody. You are loved! You belong!

 

Living In A Well Of Sadness

Depression is known to affect 1 in 4 Canadians; an alarming statistic. And when you are the 1 included in that statistic doesn’t make you feel all that great. The other 3 in that statistic should feel fortunate and grateful that they are not included. It is not a place you would want to be. Living with clinical depression is like living in a well of sadness, a chronic feeling of bereavement that really never leaves you, there are days that are worse then others. No different really then someone living with a chronic physical pain; a constant yearning to just be free of the pain, just to experience that pain free moment when you could feel ‘normal’.

It’s unfortunate that we don’t get to decide if today is going to be okay or not. The constant battle to fight this unending war can sometimes find you irritated, exhausted and hopeless. Hopeless in the sense that you are not winning this war; no matter how hard you fight.

We are now living in that time of the year, what I call the ‘Season of Depression’. No, let me rephrase that and expose the ugly truth, ‘the Season of Suicide’. Why would I say something so alarming, it’s because it’s the truth. We are living in a Society where suicide as almost become a norm. So normal, that people rarely flinch anymore. Every week we can read headlines of some well known, high profile person (sad that its only those who make the headlines) end their life by suicide. Just today, January 19,2019, the headlines read, ‘..U.S figure skating champ, dead at 33’. His sister says, ‘ My wonderful, strong, amazing compassionate brother took his own life earlier today’. Just last week, my friend’s son took his own life. So very sad and no reasonable answers.

But for those family members left behind, may I say, ‘there’s no one to blame, no one to get angry at, there was nothing you missed or didn’t do’. This was a means to end the never ending torment and pain of the mind, a place to find peace, everlasting peace and to release everyone involved of the constant turmoil that this illness inflicts on all concerned.

Why am I speaking out about suicide? Why should I care?  What has suicide got to do with me? I want to talk about suicide because it is an illness, something goes terribly wrong in your thinking process where the only reasonable answer to your pain and the pain you have inflicted on your family, is to end your life. They do it for you and to find peace for themselves, to end the war that is raging from within.

We as a Society have the responsibility to end the stigma of mental illness and suicide. Let’s stop talking about it behind closed doors and let’s make it a public health concern. It’s then maybe something will be done about it. We have to stop using the word; ‘commit suicide’. Someone commits murder, someone commits rape; suicide is NOT a criminal concern. We have to change the way we look at suicide and realize that 90% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable and treatable mental illness at their time of death. We have to make this information and treatment available to everyone. I believe our Province of NL is far behind in this area and need to be held responsible and  accountable for why there is not more done. Especially when it comes to availability of in-hospital treatment and modern facilities and therapies. We need to give those who are suffering the option that there is hope.

I need to speak out about suicide because I have seen into the minds and thoughts of someone who is struggling to stay alive. I will not lie, I will tell you like it is; depression as driven me many times in my life to a place where I just did not want to live. The value of my life was brought down to worthless. I was drowning in a well of sadness. But I sought professional and spiritual help and to this day I am still here. A life that is very fragile, uncertain and unpredictable. Not unlike any other chronic illness, we have to take it one day at a time and live a life that is very cautious. And by that I mean; knowing my limits, being aware of my triggers, knowing when to say no and paying attention to my body and mind.

I know this is not a pleasant read, nor is living with a mental illness. By exposing myself in a transparent way is sometimes the only way for my readers to get a better understanding of this illness and also to help others who are living in this well of sadness. I won’t pretend that this is an easy road that I’ve travelled but by sharing doesn’t mean I’m weak but quite the contrary, it shows my strength. And you have that same strength within you, don’t give up, hope is just around the corner.

After Thought: I realize that my writings will never win me any popularity contest, no Academy Award, no Nobel Prize, quite the contrary. People will probably stigmatize me, disrespect me, judge me and condemn me. But my purpose in writing is to educate, tell it like it is, no more swiping it under the rug, speak the truth; holding nothing back. To help others and be a voice for those who suffer in silence. If my transparency can help just one person, provide a new way of looking at mental illness and break down the walls of stigma. Then I have succeeded in accomplishing what I sat out to do.

 

Let’s Blame God For That

When we are angry, hurt and in pain; whether emotional, physical or mental, the first thing we want to do is to blame somebody or something. By blaming someone else gives us the feeling of alleviating some of the burden and pain that we are carrying and feeling. And one of the first and most easy person to blame is God. I think we have all been there at one point in our lives, when we lash out at God and blame Him for everything that as gone wrong. But is He really the blame? Can He be held accountable for every little thing that goes wrong in our lives? I believe God is not always to blame and when we do we alienate the only person that can really help us through our most difficult times and hurts. I admit and I am guilty of blaming God and questioning God, why? But when I sit down and analyze my situation, I realize that God is not to blame. But I realize that He is the one who can help me through any circumstance in life and give me a peace and presence that can only come from an eternal God. He’s not my enemy, but my best friend. Let’s try looking at it in a different light and let’s maybe stop the blame game.

I think we can begin our search and get a better understanding of name-blaming by going back to the beginning of time. Back to when God created the earth and everything in it, including man and woman. It was His intention for humanity to enjoy the beauty, abundance and fruitfulness of creation. In Genesis 3 we read about the fall of man and sin enters the world (it’s here we can do the blaming) because of man’s disobedience to God. It’s because of this fall that we are now separated from God and God’s plan for mankind would be forever changed. Therefore Adam and Eve changed our destiny and relationship with God. And the only way of reconciliation to God would be through the shed blood of HIS son, Jesus Christ. Acts 4:12 “Neither is there salvation in any other; for there is none other name under Heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved”. So maybe the next time we want to blame God for something, may we remember that it is God who provided for us a way of escape.

Let’s start directing the blame at the real source of evil in our world today, that being Satan himself. I want to quote directly from the Bible because I feel it would be the most powerful and effective attack on Satan himself. John 8;44 ‘…He (the devil) was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him….for he is a liar and the father of lies’. 1 Peter 5:8-9 ‘Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour’. 2 Corinthians 11:14 ‘And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light’. Ephesians 6:12 ‘For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms’. Genesis 3:22 states that in this world there is good and evil, so lets become more aware of the presence of evil and shift some blame to where it belongs.

Many times I believe when we want to blame God, it’s because throughout our lives we were taught to believe that if we came to God all our sickness, troubles, etc will go away. Many (not all) Churches preach what I would call, prosperity preaching. Or others, the ‘name and claim it syndrome.’ Neither of which I believe. I do believe this kind of preaching is dangerous and misleading. And when God fails to prosper us financially or heal us from our illnesses, or doesn’t meet up to what we were taught He was supposed to be, we become bitter and blame God. But God is not a magician, waving a magic wand. I believe God can heal, but not all of us will be healed, nor will we all be millionaires. God’s love for us is not measured by what He can do for us but by what He has already done, by sending His only Son to die for our sins and that’s what truly matters (John 3:16).

So let’s stop blaming God for everything that goes wrong in our lives, it’s then we begin to know God for who He is. He is someone who loves and cares for each one of us and we can give Him all our hurts, cares and sickness. 1 Peter 5:7 says, ‘casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you’.

Many times in life we are faced with much trauma. The death of a loved one is so devastating and hard to understand. But we have to realize that just as birth is a part of life, so is death. 1 Corinthians 15:22 ‘For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive’. It’s one thing in life that we are certain of; that we will die, it’s a part of life. The big question is, Are You Ready? Age has no barrier, sometimes loved ones leave us much too early and we question why and are left with a broken heart and emptiness that just won’t go away. Let’s not blame God for a death but let’s remember He is the one who took away the sting of death. 1 Corinthians 15:55-57 ‘O death where is thy sting?……. thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ’. God is the one who gave us hope, death is not the end, we have hope through Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 ‘…and the dead in Christ shall rise first….and so shall WE ever be with the Lord. I’m reminded of my Dad right now because when he preached or talked about the promises of God he would get so excited, with tears streaming down his face, he would praise and worship God for who He was. My Dad lived a hard life with many hardships, struggles and rough times; but that never dampened his love for God. And that is what I’m feeling this  morning; an overwhelming presence of God. If it were not for God, the grave would be the end. But we have the hope of the Resurrection. So let’s hold on to the hope that Jesus gives and let go of the blame and hurt.

I am not speaking to you today as someone with all the answers to our questions. But I am pointing you to ‘The Answer’, and His name is Jesus Christ! I am speaking to you from my heart and my own personal experiences in life that have not all been so pleasant. There as been lots of times when I wanted someone to blame and lots of times that was God and for that I am sorry. But I have learned that in life, bad things happen and that we have no control over. What we do have control over is how we respond to them. Through my own mental illness, Lauren’s cerebral palsy and many hardships and struggles; I have to believe that God is in control and He will give us strength for every day. He’s our only hope. I am trying everyday to live the best life I can, in spite of my own illness and life’s struggles. I don’t blame God anymore, I just hold on to His hand a little tighter because there are still days when I feel I’m loosing my grip. But God is faithful, God is GOOD!

My Letter To Santa

My Letter To Santa

 

                                                                                                                         Hey Santa,

 

I don’t have a Christmas wish this year.

What I want you can’t pull out of your magical bag.

Your elves can’t make it.

You can’t wrap it in pretty paper and tie it in a bow.

 

What I want this Christmas is not a wish but a prayer.

You see Santa I need a Christmas miracle.

But Santa you would have to say a Christmas prayer.

And when you do could you ask Jesus for a gift that can’t be tied with a bow.

 

You see Santa, my little girl needs Jesus healing touch; not a doll this year, not a stuffed toy, nor an iPad.

I believe Santa if you ask, maybe, just maybe she would get her Christmas miracle.

A gift that will take away all her tears of pain, no more surgeries, no more walkers, standers, wheelchairs.

Please Santa tell Jesus to just let her walk this Christmas. That is my Christmas prayer this year.

 

My gift you see comes in the form of a prayer.

And I believe that Jesus is listening, even to Santa this year.

 

So Jesus, tell Santa we won’t be needing gifts or presents that can be wrapped under our tree.

But this year we’re going to receive our Christmas Miracle.

 

But Jesus, we won’t be greedy and forget all the other boys and girls that are sick, hungry, abused, extorted and even alone this Christmas.

Could you please visit them for me and sit them on your knee and tell them you love them and everything is going to be alright.

 

Maybe Jesus you can tell Santa that when he makes his rounds this Christmas; that he would make their Christmas wishes come true.

Take away their hurt, Jesus, their pain and hunger too,

may this be their best Christmas ever.

 

I’ll leave that up to you Jesus because I still believe; miracles do happen!

Sincerely Yours,

A Loving Father, Harris