Author: harrisclyde@hotmail.com

Hi! My name is Harris Tucker. I live in Bay Robert's, NL with my beautiful wife, Lisa Kennedy Tucker and our two adorable children; Logan and Lauren.
Posted on

Nothing Short of a Miracle

Lauren’s Cerebral Palsy has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. Many have been the ups and downs, the good and the not so good. The challenges, the uncertainties and the ever changing symptoms of her diagnosis. We have learned to take it one day at a time because we never know what looms around the corner.

Just recently Lauren made her fifth trip to the Children’s Shriners Hospital in Montreal for an assessment (August 12-14,2019). Lauren was assessed for two possible surgeries that could help. One being the Selective Dorsal Rhizotomy and the other the bacolofin pump. If you would like to know more about these surgeries, visit our website at www.harrislisa72.com and read; ‘Lauren’s Walk of Fame’.  After meeting with all of Lauren’s doctors and support team, it was decided that Lauren wasn’t a candidate because of the much improvement in her lack of spasticity. And the purpose for both  surgeries was to release some of Lauren’s spasticity, but as of today, August 13,2019, Lauren’s spasticity was not at a point where she would need either of the two surgeries. Nothing short of a miracle! This was good news; we did not want to have to put Lauren through any more pain and now we are hoping her spasticity stays at a minimal amount where surgery is not necessary.

Lauren’s biggest issue now is her dystonia; which is when a person’s muscles contract uncontrollably. This causes the body to twist involuntarily, resulting in repetitive movements or abnormal postures. She is presently on medication but the doctors in Montreal decided to put her on another medication, plus vitamin B6; both of which they are hoping to improve her dystonia. So ends her fifth visit and it’s back home to Newfoundland in the morning.

The plane landed in St.John’s around 6:45 pm and everyone was exhausted and looking forward to getting settled back home. We grabbed a bite to eat and were anxious to hit the road and get home before dark because of the fear of hitting a moose. Mommy was going to be the pilot for this ‘flight’ home, while Daddy sat in the back seat with Logan and Lauren sitting on each side; in the event that a fight broke out between the two and Daddy could go referee.

But before long, the two were fast asleep. Just like the two little angels that we knew they were. When suddenly Mommy screamed, ‘MOOSE’; brakes, swerve, hit moose, impact, loud bang, stop! My first thoughts were; the van is gone, I knew the kids were okay. I asked Lisa, ‘are you okay?’ She said, ‘yes, I’m fine! My next thought was, she’s in shock and doesn’t know she’s hurt. How could she not be? I heard the impact, I saw the moose; it hit the driver’s side. It made perfect aim for Lisa. But she kept saying, ‘I’m fine.’ The kids were fine; frightened but physically okay.

I told Lisa to call 911 for the police. Then once the kids settled, I got out to make sure the moose wasn’t dead on the highway and would endanger coming traffic. I turned on my cell flashlight and walked back the highway to search for the moose. There was no moose! How could that be, I heard the impact, the collision. The moose had to be dead on the highway, but he was nowhere to be found.

Well I thought, I’ll go back and see what’s left of the van. With my flashlight in hand, I scanned the front of the van, there was nothing! I was in disbelief and awe; the van was in one piece. How could this be? I heard, I felt the impact; this van was supposed to be demolished and all I saw was a broken side mirror, small cracks in the driver’s side windshield and a few minor scratches. UNBELIEVABLE!

I was reminded of the bible story of the three Hebrew men who were thrown into a fiery furnace by King Nebuchadnezzar, when they refused to bow down to the King’s image. And when the King looked into the furnace he said, ‘Did we not throw three men in the furnace, but I see four walking unharmed in the flames’. He looked in disbelief, he could not believe what he was seeing. And that was exactly how I felt when I looked at the front of that van, it was basically unharmed and so were it’s passengers. A miracle? I believe!

I will end this blog by simply repeating the words of this song, “To God Be The Glory, Great Things He Hath Done!”

Posted on

Just As I Am

Please listen to this well known song as sung by Alan Jackson; “Just AS I Am”. It will give you a better understanding of this blog and draw you a little closer to ‘the Lamb of God’.

I have been days now struggling through my depression and anxiety. The pain and hurt I feel is no different then if I had a physical illness. The constant chronic pain that I feel, never goes away. I write about my illness to educate others, to help end the stigma and to show others they are not alone. And what they are feeling is real!

The brighter the sun shines, the darker the shadows that fall on my path. The more beautiful the days are, the more angry I am with myself because I should be feeling happy and enjoying the summer season that is swiftly passing us by. I’m telling myself to enjoy every moment, because life can change in a second. But my body and mind are not listening, my brain is in a fog, my concentration is interrupted, my thinking process is distorted to the point of finding it difficult to process the simplest thought.

My writing, which in the past I used for therapy, is now a seemingly impossible task. It seems I can’t put two words together, let alone two sentences. This first page ended up in the trash container. But then I knew if I didn’t retrieve it, it would be like giving in to this illness. And I couldn’t let that happen, so I searched through the debris to find that sheet of paper containing my helpless thoughts.

That sheet of paper represented my tormented mind, I just wanted to throw it away and start with a new slate. But that’s not the way a mental illness works, you just can’t turn it on or off, you can’t change it just because you want it to change. It won’t go away with wishful thinking or by keeping busy.

My painting has also been a form of  therapy, which as helped immensely over the past few months. Mental illness as been something that I have desperately tried to describe through my writing and have tried to paint a picture that could come even just a little close to what having a mental illness feels like.  But pen, nor paintbrush have not even come close to describing what this monster as done to me and my family.

I have written over one hundred blogs on mental illness in hopes that I could just break through that wall of stigma that is still so prevalent in our society today. Maybe I might be fighting a loosing battle, which sometimes I believe, but I have to fight, I can’t give up. And maybe one day,  just one day, mental illness will be looked upon as just that, an illness that requires medical attention and support. And one day, maybe just one day, those who suffer won’t suffer in shame, silence or isolation. And one day, maybe just one day there will be no disconnection between a physical illness or a mental illness, for we already know that the mind and body are one.

I’m assuming that people must be tired of reading my blogs concerning my mental health. But I say politely to these people, to just delete me from your social media contacts and I would not be the least bit offended. You see, I don’t write for people with ‘perfect’ mental health, I write for myself and for those who are struggling everyday to fight this non-ending war with their own mental health. And I can totally understand how some may interpret my writing and misjudge, not understand or assume to have all the right answers for my ‘condition’, when in reality they fail to ‘get it’. To be honest, ‘I don’t get it all the time’, I don’t understand it all the time, I have to question ‘why’ sometimes. So how can I expect someone who has never experienced a mental illness to fully ‘get it’, when I don’t ‘get it’ myself. Mental illness is the only illness I know that is so misunderstood; any other illness is just accepted and respected as just  that; an illness; with no stigma attached.

Depression as pretty much destroyed my confidence, my self worth, altered my personality, beaten me down to where I feel useless, incompetent, worthless, hopeless, weak, good for nothing and I could keep going. It as imprisoned me into my own mind and I cannot escape. It as the power to destroy everything in my life. But this week while trying to escape the prison of my own mind, I was reminded of the words of the song which says, ‘Just as I am, though tossed about, with many a conflict, many a doubt; fightings within, and fears without. O Lamb of God, I come, I come! Wow, those words were what I was searching for to describe my illness, those words that could paint the perfect picture in your mind of what it’s like to live in this prison. But it doesn’t leave me there, it directs me to the only one who could guide me through this pain; the Lamb of God! And all I had to do was; Come!

The more I thought about the words of that song, the more I was convinced that whoever the writer was, had suffered depression, anxiety and pain. They knew how I am feeling. They experienced it for themselves. My search led me to the author; Charlotte Elliott. At the age of 32, she suffered from a serious illness that left her disabled for the rest of her life. Although sometimes depressed by her condition, she always felt renewed by the assurance of salvation. Charlotte wrote the song, ‘Just As I Am, Without One Plea’ in 1834. Though depressed with feelings of uselessness and loneliness she was able to write this song in spite of her feelings. In verse 4 of that song she pins the words, ‘healing of the mind’. Implying to me that she longed to be free of the prison in her mind. And to do that she had to come (‘I Come’) to the Lamb of God.

So tonight as I am left here alone with my thoughts, my depression, my uselessness, my loneliness, my fear of the unknown. I softly sing the words to verse 6; ‘Just as I am (broken, tired, weak), Thy love unknown, Has broken every barrier down; now to be Thine, yea, Thine alone, O Lamb of God, I come, I Come !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted on

Finding Me

What happens when you think what was only going to last a few months, last for years? Or let’s go a little further and say, last a lifetime? A constant presence that made it’s home in the recesses of your mind. A presence that sometimes didn’t manifest itself openly but just lingered in my subconscious mind. And then other times it would explode into a volcano of hot molten lava. Taking control of my mind and body and rendering me disabled to a point of non-functioning. And to this day, I still live with the uneasy, unexpected, uncontrollable manifestations of my ugly, ever present disorder of a mental illness.

It’s morning, the beautiful sunshine peaks through the slats of the blind that’s trying desperately to block out the brightness of the beams of light that are piercing the window panes. But as I lie there in bed for just that second, long enough to open my eyes, I realize I have to jump out and let that brightness enter my darkened world. Just maybe it will not only pierce the darkness of the room, but the darkness that fills my being. My depression acts as a blind to my brain; it blocks out any light that is so desperately trying to get in. I pray I could just pull a chord, like I just done to the blind of our window, and the darkness would go away. But with my illness, especially in the morning, I struggle, no matter how bright the sun is shining, a veil, a darkness overshadows my thoughts. The fear of just getting out of bed overwhelms me, I don’t let it stop me because if I did I would be giving into it’s power over me. So I push myself through the opening of the bedroom door and face my day with an heavy heart and a debilitating anxiousness.

There is nothing in this world that I want any more , then to feel the joy and peace that I once knew before this illness captured me in it’s grips and literally sucked the life from me. Happiness, joy, peace doesn’t come naturally anymore, I have to desperately seek it out. I know it’s there, it’s all around me but my brain chemistry tells me differently . It steals my love for life, my energy, my drive, my patience, my endurance, it steals the ‘me’ that’s locked inside and just can’t escape.

I am tired, just plain tired, sick of this torment, sick of this thing I call life. The life that’s inside my head, that broken life, that life I long to escape. I know that ‘me’ that once I loved, the me that was so outgoing, fearless and strong; is still there somewhere, lost in the broken and tangled mess of my mind. I will keep searching, and maybe just one day, one day, I will find ‘me’ again.

Posted on

Going Outside The Will Of God

This is a quote I read the other day, sounds great when you don’t stop and think about it but when you do stop to think, it isn’t what you expect at all. The quote says, ‘If you knew how He (Jesus) can take away all that bitterness, that sorrow, that hurt, that depression, anxiety’.

To begin and I will state right from the beginning that I believe Jesus ‘can’ do all these things. But does Jesus do all these things? NO, He didn’t promise that if we came to Him all these things would be taken away. If that were the case we would have a sweeping revival flow over this earth. Who wouldn’t want to be free of all these things? I sure would. I have suffered depression and anxiety all my life. I believe beyond a shadow of doubt that God can do that. But does he always? No, that’s not the way it works. Jesus said in John 16:33, ‘I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble (there is no doubt about it; Christian/Non Christian, we will still have trouble, sickness, trials and hurts). ‘But take heart! I have overcome the world.’ He promised to never leave us, or forsake us, no matter what situation we find ourselves in.

Psalm 46:1 ‘God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble (there will be trouble).

Romans 5:3-5 ‘But we glory in tribulations.

James 1: 2-4 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials (bitterness, sorrow, hurt, depression, anxiety) , know that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

But God did promise that He would be with us in our trials; He didn’t promise to take them away. Isaiah 41:10 ‘So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand’.

Isaiah 43:2 (World English Bible) ‘When you pass through the water’s, I will be with you: and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will  not be burned, an flame will not scorch you.’ God did not say we will not have to pass through the waters, rivers, walk through fire. But He did promise to be with us.

To say that God takes away ‘all’ bitterness, sorrow, hurt, depression and anxiety; is in my belief giving so many people false hope. And  making God out to be the ‘Genie in a bottle’. If we come to Christ it doesn’t make everything bad go away. Bad things still happen to good people. That statements also implies that if those things aren’t  taken away then there is something wrong with you the person, because Jesus is supposed to take away all that stuff. It is not our place to decide what God heals us from, that is His decision and yet there are so many who make themselves out to be God and speak for God, when that is not their place. God has a reason, a plan and purpose for everything and no one else can decide that for Him.

Because I still struggle with depression and anxiety doesn’t mean that God is not a big part of my life. It’s His ever abiding presence that have brought me thus far and WILL lead me on. And for somebody to even suggest otherwise hasn’t struggled with a mental illness or hasn’t had a child in a wheelchair. I will not tell my child that Jesus is going to make her walk, when I don’t know that, it may be in God’s will that Lauren remain in that wheelchair but I do know that God will never leave her alone in that wheelchair and He has great plans for her life, whether she’s walking or not. I may struggle with depression and anxiety for the rest of my life and if that’s what HE decides; I have no choice but to fully trust in Him. It’s not only about trusting God in the good times (that’s so easy) but it’s also about trusting Him in the bad times, that’s when your faith is really tested. And I can honestly say, ‘I still trust Jesus!’ Despite everything, I still trust Him. If those all knowing Christians just walked a mile in my shoes, would they be so quick to judge, condemn and shun. Jesus may have all the answers but I think sometimes they may not be the answers we were expecting.

I just pray daily for His strength, grace, mercy and wisdom to ‘know’ (I may not always feel, but I don’t live by feelings but by faith) that we are in the will of God. And at times, being in the will of God is not always the easy path but God WILL  provide strength that we need to pass through the waters, through the rivers and to walk through the fire.

 

 

Posted on

“Battered n’ Worn”

I have recently completed a painting called, ‘Battered n’ Worn’ (view on my Facebook Page: ‘Harris’ Artistic Designs’). It depicts a scene of an old, weather beaten shed and an overturned ‘punt’ that had seen better days. And the boisterous sea just uncaringly raging in the background. While I was engrossed in the actual painting of the scene itself, I really didn’t give much thought to what I would name the painting or what the painting was actually trying to say to me; not until it was competed! And then I stepped back and viewed it from a distance, it really told the story of my life and how I was actually feeling right at that moment. I had painted my life and it was ‘Battered n’ Worn’.

I have fought this crippling, disabling sea of depression and anxiety for far too long and it was starting to show. That along with ALL of the other winds and weather, had left me battered and worn. I was and is feeling much like that deserted, weather beaten shed; ready to crumble if I had to withstand just one more storm. How much can one withstand before the storms of life just leave you battered and worn; before the shed can take no more and just eventually crumbles beneath the beatings of the storms of it’s life.

If the only battle I had to fight was for my mental health, then maybe I could withstand that. But when the storms of life, and they are many, come beating you down and the winds are taking you off your feet, the rain as saturated your skin, right to the bones. The cold, cold air as left you numb, the raging sea is pulling you down into it’s clutches and you are drowning, gasping, gasping, gasping for air.

But you cannot keep a good ma down, no matter what others may think or say about you; you forgive and move on. You get up and dust yourself off, and we have had to do this many a times, and keep moving on.

One such battle that we have fought and I believe now is the time to let the world know how Lauren was discriminated against by Skate Canada, Skate NL and the CBNSC. I will give them the benefit of the doubt that it may not have been intentional but as defined by Human Rights: ‘Intention to discriminate is not a requirement to a finding of discrimination’. The full story can be found on our website: www.harrislisa72.com called, ‘I Want To Skate Like ‘Bruddy”. But the story doesn’t end there. I filed a complaint with the Human Rights Commission and won the right to file a ‘formal complint’ against Skate Canada NL. This was no easy journey, filled with anxiety, fear and intimidation. You see, Skate Canada (on behalf of Skate NL and CBNSC) hired a lawyer to fight their battles (an intimidation tactic I’m sure, hoping we would back off, not a chance). I followed through with the Human Rights procedure in settling this injustice.

This is what we were offered to keep our mouths shut and not proceed any further. Sadly to say, we could not proceed any further because we did not have the money to obtain legal counsel of our own and I could not fight anymore. But this is what we were offered and I am quoting Skate Canada’s lawyer, ‘My client is prepared to pay the sum of $2000.00 in settlement of this matter. These funds would be paid in exchange for a release which acknowledges no admission of liability on the part of my client. A condition of the proposed settlement is a confidentiality agreement. This proposal would not see the provision of an apology on the part of my client’. Obviously we did not accept the ‘bribe’ and because we really could not pay for a lawyer, we had to withdraw the complaint.

Did we lose? Not at all. First of all we did pass the requirements and was awarded an ‘Official Complaint with the Human Rights Commission’. That was the first hurdle and we leaped that one, without any problem. We knew we had a legitimate complaint. And although we had no admission of guilt on either of the three clubs involved; we ourselves knew by their actions of hiring a lawyer and offering money for a confidentiality agreement, that we had won.

I write this because it is not Lauren’s Cerebral Palsy that we are fighting against but an everyday fight for her rights as an equal, inclusive and accepted little girl that needs to live a happy life, in spite of the injustices, the stigma, the unfairness and lack of compassion that is still prevalent in our so-called ‘Society’ today. And this is just one example of what we have to deal with on a day to day basis. And yet we have to stay strong because the challenges that come with Cerebral Palsy alone is enough to ‘break’ any man or woman!

So today as battered and worn has we may feel, we will fix up that old shed and polish ourselves off and lift our heads high and be proud parents, that want nothing more then for their children to have the best life possible; against all odds. And we will not give up the fight, we are going to brush ourselves off and start again. It’s not a choice, we have to do it, if we are going to survive the raging storms in our  lives!

 

Posted on

A Good Day

I was swiftly spiralling down a dark hole of despair. Loosing control as I was going down, down, down. Every indication that I was relapsing was steering me in the face. My sleeping pattern was interrupted, my appetite for food was dwindling, my emotions were crying out to me to help them stop. But I could not control them, the dam had broken and I was drowning. But worst of all, panic attacks had returned and was taking over my life. My greatest fear had come true; I was relapsing!

But was I willing and was I going to let this happen again? I fought this before and I will fight this war again. I was determined to stop this illness from escalating into a full blown breakdown. In the back of my mind I knew my options had pretty much ran out. Over the years I had tried everything to escape this living hell. But yet every day for the past eight years (not including a lifetime) I could not honestly say I had a ‘good’ day. I am not referring to my physical life but my life from within my mind. My mind was broken and I was trying desperately to fix it. I just wanted this hell to go away. But to even reach a functioning level, required hard, hard work. And today I have reached that level but staying there requires so much strength, courage and determination.

And there are so many every day triggers that would throw me into the grasps of my depression, anxiety and panic attacks. How was I going to defeat this monster? I have to use my past experiences to find my way out. And I knew the best place to start was my amazing family doctor. I wasted no time to get an appointment and before I knew it, I was sitting face to face with the man I knew could help me. I described to him the horrors of my panic attacks, how they awakened me from my already restless sleep. How I was afraid to be in a public place because a panic attack could strike without warning and wasn’t  just confined to my home life but could occur anywhere. And because of this, I was a prisoner, under house arrest.

I explained how I wasn’t living, just surviving and this was fair to no one. I was determined, this as to stop and I would do anything to make it stop. And being the compassionate doctor he is, he was determined to help me. His first plan of attack was to get my panic attacks under control. And this would require another drug, called buspirone. I have to admit, I wasn’t all that optimistic, given my track record. But I was willing to try and I did. To my amazement, six days later from taking this new drug, I have not had another panic attack since. I am being highly cautious and afraid to get my hopes up because of past drug failures but I have to believe that this one is working and will remain working.

I visited my scheduled psychologist appointment yesterday. And as I sat in his home based office, he politely asked how I was doing today? And I replied with, ‘I’m having a good day’. It seems like forever since I said those words, I really surprised myself when I said them. When you have a chronic illness, it’s not every day you can say, you’re having a good day. So now I’m just hoping to have more ‘good’ days, then bad days.

All of us I’m sure have good days and bad days. One thing we can be assured of and that is, it won’t rain always. And if we could just remember that on the bad days then we can make it through. I’m reminded of the song which says;

“Someone said that in each life some rain is bound to fall. And each one sheds his share of tears, And trouble troubles us all. But the hurt can’t hurt forever and the tears are sure to dry.

And it won’t rain always, the clouds will soon be gone. The sun that they’ve been hiding has been there all along. And it won’t rain always, God’s promises are true. The sun’s gonna shine in His own good time, and He will see you (and He will see me) through.”

Posted on

Wings To Fly

When Lauren was diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy at the age of one, little did we realize just what we were about to encounter. Lauren is now six and the battle still rages. It’s not just about the actual struggles that we have to encounter with Lauren’s physical, psychological and emotional needs that are associated with cerebral palsy. But it’s also the strain that CP puts upon the whole family unit. It’s the financial strain and stress that it places on the parents to provide even the basic needs for a disabled child. It’s the worry of being able to provide adequate care when your limited resources are just not enough.

Lauren’s kindergarten year has been anything but smooth. It’s now April 2019 and she is just starting to readjust to being in school. Lauren as spent all Fall and Winter recovering from two hip reconstructive surgeries, it’s only now that she’s feeling much better. Her transition back into the classroom is going really well, as long as we take it slow and steady.

One of the more difficult challenges would be the financial burden it places on  us. For example, Lauren requires much needed equipment and aids in order to care for her properly and safely. But we don’t qualify for any Government assistance whatsoever. So anything Lauren requires, we have to find a way to purchase it and that would be through fundraising. And we as her parents should not have to depend on fundraising to meet her needs; Government funding should be available for all disabled children, not just a few. This is why we have advocated so diligently on her behalf because she and others like her deserve every opportunity that every other child avails of.

This is why we have advocated through every means available including; social media, television, radio, internet, and newspaper. This is one of my post that I published recently on social media:

I don’t consider myself a political person, I really didn’t have any reason or motivation to get involved. To be honest, I rarely voted. But I will certainly make my vote count in this election! And it certainly won’t be for the present party. Right now I have lots of reason and motivation to get involved. When our now, six year old little girl got diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy, little did I know just how involved in politics I would have to be. I have advocated on her behalf, to every Government Department and Level available to me; with absolutely no success. All we needed was some respite care to help us with Lauren who needs 24/7 care, all we got was, ‘you don’t qualify’. Yet here we were two parent on disability, caring for a disabled child; who could be more qualified for assistance? But to this present day we have received no help, no funding, no nothing from a ‘Disabled Government’! We are so desperate for help in caring for Lauren but our present Government as just turned their backs on us but not just us but a six year old little girl who is so deserving of so much more. Shame on our present Government and present MHA who’s last correspondence to us was (and I’m quoting her), ‘Here’s some federal info-‘ Need I say any more! This post stirred up a lot of interest and public awareness of what parents of disabled children really need. Shortly thereafter CBC Here & Now and CBC Radio did amazing stories of our struggle and fight for Government support.

Another great need would be respite care, for which we qualify for none. And sad to say, ‘we are not the only parents that are struggling for the same basic needs’. We are taking care of Lauren 24/7, around the clock care. The toll this as had on us has her parents is both physically and mentally draining to the point where you are surviving, not living. This is no way for anyone to live, both our children deserve so much better but sad to say, ‘both suffer because our Government will not intervene’. If Government is not willing to listen and to make changes to our present system, then these helpless children from all across Newfoundland and Labrador, will be deprived of the proper care that they require and deserve.

Maybe what is needed is for all parents with disabled children, who are not able to financially provide  and care properly for their children due to lack of finances, is to drop our children off at the Premier’s Office and say, ‘Now you take care of them and you decide which ones should ‘fall through the cracks’ (direct quote from Premier Ball). And maybe the MHA could offer him some respite care. But the message needs to get out there, loud and clear, that we are not going anywhere and we will continue to advocate for our children (speaking for all parents in the same situation as we are) until we are heard.

The road that Lauren is travelling, is a road with many twists and turns; you never know what’s around the corner, it’s a road that never ends. Cerebral Palsy is so unpredictable and ever changing, each day brings with it new challenges and new road blocks. But Lauren is a Warrior Princess and will fight for what she needs. She is strong, courageous and brave and will overcome any obstacle that is put in her path.  She may not walk (right now) but she does have wings to fly!

 

 

 

 

Posted on

A Healthy Mind

The freezing rain falls like beads of crystals. The trees glisten with the sparkle of it’s radiance. Just looking at it makes for a picture perfect work of art. But on the other hand, it can also do so much damage. Especially when it’s weight weighs down on the electrical wires; can make for an unwanted power outage. And in today’s world it seems there’s so little we can do without electricity; yet we take it for granted and don’t miss it until it’s gone. Much like our health, we take it all for granted on a day to day basis, until one day it’s gone.

Because I have lived my whole life with a mental illness, I have learned never to take my mental health for granted. And at times when my depression, anxiety and panic attacks have gone into remission, controlled by medication or I have been experiencing a reprieve from it’s overpowering control, then I have realized that I need to enjoy every moment that I can. And experience life to it’s fullest, because you don’t know what morning you are going to be awakened by it’s ugly presence.

The past few weeks I have struggled with panic, so intensely that it haunts and terrifies me. I’m just after having a period of time, for about two years, when my panic attacks were gone. My mind and body can experience a panic attack without warning, whether asleep or awake. A panic attack is defined as, ‘the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms: Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate. Sweating. Trembling or shaking. Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering.’ And over the past several nights, I’ve been awakened from my fragile sleep by one of the worse attacks of my mental illness. I say this because  you literally feel that you are loosing control of your life and you are going to die. If you have not suffered from panic attacks, be grateful and never take a day for granted. Please remember I am not comparing my illness with any other illness and it’s not my intention to make it appear that I have the ‘poor me syndrome’, I know there are people that have it worse. But do remember it is the purpose of my blog to educate, help to tear down the walls of stigma that surrounds mental illness and to be a support for people who suffer from mental illness.

And that’s why today I want to speak to those of you who have good mental health. I know you can never understand  where I am coming from and what it feels like to have to fight every day of your life to just experience a ray of sunshine. Please don’t take it for granted and use it for good, use it to make this world a better place to live. I’m opening my heart to you today and hoping that you will never have to experience what mental illness really is.

I also want to address those of you who have a healthy mind and you are abusing and destroying it by using anything you can find to alter it. You have what I want so badly; a healthy mind. But yet here you are destroying one of the most valuable organs in your body. That organ that makes you who you are, your decision maker, your personality, your ability to feel. The next time you go to use drugs abusively, think twice, don’t do it. You are so blessed to have an healthy mind/brain; please don’t destroy it. I would give my life to have what you have; but I don’t and probably never will. Please say no to drugs!

I work with what I have and many days that feels like not much. My mental illness as become a battle that I have to fight every day. Maybe one day, I may find relief, find freedom, find the sunshine again. But until then, I will keep fighting, even on days when I feel like I’m not winning. I have come so far over the past few years and for that I am truly thankful. Although I feel I still have a long way to go, I’m still in the race, sometimes running, sometimes walking, other days crawling but I cannot give up. And I encourage those who are suffering from a mental illness, you are not alone. Keep fighting; you are strong, courageous and brave!

Posted on

CLOSING MY BLOG

These past few weeks for me have been an overwhelming sea of depression, panic and anxiety. My illness as so desperately tried to destroy me, to a point of where I just wanted to give up and not fight anymore. Fatigue had drained every ounce of strength that I had left in me; that I couldn’t fight anymore, even if I wanted to. Curling up into a ball and staying there would be so much easier to do.

I had been so tired of ‘well meaning’ people who know nothing about me, nor my illness but who think they have all the answers to  mental illness. And I know they mean well but sometimes it’s best they say nothing at all. Actions speak louder then words. A simple hug would do more good then a textbook of advice. But sorry to say society is quicker to give their opinion (not always fact) rather then a compassionate heart. And before I go any further, let me make one thing clear, I am not looking for pity (that I don’t need) but I do deserve respect and understanding. Just as I respect others feelings, thoughts and beliefs. I don’t always have to agree, I just need to respect. And respect meaning; ‘due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others’.

I reached a point this week, when I felt, ‘why do I do this to myself?’ Why do I speak so openly about my illness and in so doing, put myself out there for ridicule, stigma, misunderstanding and isolation. People are not always kind; and say or imply things that really hurt. And when you have a mental illness you are already in a vulnerable state. I was ready to say, ‘I’ve had enough and I was going to close my blog/website down. But then I remember the real reason I do this, it’s not about those ‘well meaning’ people, it’s not all about me, but it’s about those who are suffering with mental illness and do so feeling all alone. And for some reason, mental illness as always been an illness of isolation and even in today’s society is still so plain to see. But if I give up now, that would be one less voice that mental illness has and I will not give up. Despite adversity, ridicule and ignorance I will keep talking about mental illness. If you are reading this and you are guilty of stigmatizing mental illness, then shame on you for not educating yourself to what it means to be mentally ill; tomorrow it could be you or someone you love. But if you are someone who is suffering from a mental illness and you feel you are alone, you are not; I am where you are.

There are so many who are suffering from mental illness all around the world; mental illness has no respect of persons, no one is exempt. Just this week a famous Olympic swimming champion revealed he lives with depression. He said, ‘If I can get one message out there, it’s that ‘it’s OK not to be OK’. When he says, ‘living with’ he is implying/stating that his condition is a chronic illness. Chronic meaning, ‘persisting for a long time or constantly recurring’. Unfortunately for many of us, our condition is a chronic one; no different then any other chronic physical illness. So yes, I have a chronic mental illness that I have suffered all my life, but I am living with it. That doesn’t make me any less of a person; it just means I have an illness. And it also doesn’t mean that all mental illnesses are chronic, but for me; mine is. And if I have to go to my grave still struggling with this illness, then I will. Not unlike the countless multitudes of persons with cancer have gone to their graves, fighting to the end.

So today I hope I have accomplished three things. One, that I have helped to destigmatize the disease. Secondly, that I have inspired and given you hope in that you are not alone. Thirdly, that by acknowledging our own disease, I have empowered you to face your own disease openly and in the face of stigma. Our only hope of mental illness ever being publicly accepted by society, is through awareness, education and speaking out. We all have a part to do. Chin Up! We can do this together! I’m here for you!  Closing my Blog? I think NOT!