Author: harrisclyde@hotmail.com

Hi! My name is Harris Tucker. I live in Bay Robert's, NL with my beautiful wife, Lisa Kennedy Tucker and our two adorable children; Logan and Lauren.
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I Pressed On!

A very dear friend sent me this post today which says, ‘If you rearrange the letters in Depression, you’ll get ; “I Pressed On”. Little did she know how desperately I needed to be reminded of that; ‘Your current situation is NOT your final destination.’ And then in her own words she wrote; ‘You have been pressing on! The rewards for you are just up ahead! Hugs. I believe this was no coincidence but God’s reminder to me that I will make it through this storm.

It’s been several weeks now and I have been pressing on, but barely. My depression, like any other illness, sometimes gets the better of me and I get so scared that this time I’m not going to make it. That my strength, my fuel is going to run out and just like a car; I cannot run on an empty tank. And to describe it best, that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling; like I’m running on an empty tank. I have used up every ounce of strength, energy and will power that I have left. Today I awakened with panic, if you haven’t experienced what a panic attack is, then be thankful, very thankful. It paralyzes and disables every part of your body. But I know I can’t let it, so ‘I Press On’. I force my legs over the side of the bed and let my feet hit the floor. And the thoughts of facing another day of fighting this broken mind, so overwhelms me. Again I ask for God’s strength, wisdom and guidance for another day. And that He would be my fuel in my empty tank, that He would take the wheel of my life and steer me over the rough road ahead.

You see I have a disability; not a physical one that confines me to a wheelchair, like my darling Lauren, but a disability of my mind, a disability that confines me to my broken mind. Not trapped in a wheelchair but trapped inside my mind. A mind that is so fragile, that on the darkest days; I can only see sadness, hopelessness, helplessness and emptiness. But ‘I Press On’ and hope that tomorrow will be better.

Depression as become the epidemic of the century. The statistics speak for themselves. According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, 1 in 5 people in Canada will personally experience a mental illness. And according to the World Health Organization, more then 264 million people of all ages suffer from depression. Close to 800,000 people die due to suicide every year. With statistics such as these, the stigma that is associated with mental illness should be greatly affected and reduced. No one is exempt from having a mental illness, no more then someone is exempt from having cancer. So let’s respect, be nonjudgmental and be kind to all persons and may we realize that tomorrow we could be suffering a mental illness.

If you are suffering today from a mental illness, let me assure you that you are not alone. And that there are people out there who really do care and do want to help. I encourage you today to stand tall, with your head held high, we have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, we have an ILLNESS called DEPRESSION. So let’s rearrange those letters and lets say, “I PRESSED ON!” We can do this, you can do this! I believe in YOU!

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The Silent Killer

I wouldn’t say that Winter is my most favourite time of the year. The freezing cold, slippery streets and sidewalks, back breaking shovelling of the snow and the claustrophobic confinement inside your home because of a monstrous snowstorm. None of which make for the ideal situation for someone suffering from chronic depression and anxiety. I would call Winter, ‘One big trigger for mental illness.’ And then there’s the relentless hours of darkness, where daylight savings time is at it’s cruelest.  We require, as human beings, a certain amount of daylight each day in order to produce enough vitimin D, which  in turn increases our mood and helps combat anxiety and depression; that’s not always possible this time of the year.

But I’ve been doing fairly well and by fairly well, I don’t mean cured. But it’s been managable for the most part, with a lot of daily work; it certainly doesn’t  happen naturally. But at least I can function, to a certain degree. This functioning level recently was misinterpreted falsely by someone’s ignorance and boldness. When she stated in an email that I was more then capable of working and that I shouldn’t burden my family, friends and Community with the financial responsibility of Lauren’s needs. Our hearts were broken and torn that someone could be so cruel and insensitive.

In reality I have no obligation to explain the status of my health to the general public. Nor do I need public clearance for when I go back to work. I think this would be my doctor’s area of expertise and the public should keep their opinions and comments to themselves. It’s really sad that I feel the need to even justify my illness. I guess that’s why it’s sometimes referred to as the ‘hidden/silent killer.’ It’s an illness that you don’t always see on the outside. And when I go in public I’ve mastered how to act ‘normal’ despite an abnormal illness. The public will never see my worst days; it’s those days I hide; I isolate. But in the end , it lends significantly to the public’s misconceptions about the severity of my illness because just maybe what they are seeing and what the reality of my illness is, are two different things.

I’m telling this because it’s easy to judge a person’s well being on what you see; and you certainly cannot diagnose the severity of my illness or the wellness of my being by what you see. But when you see me, you aren’t seeing all of me. I write this because I want people to understand that when someone looks okay on the outside, certainly doesn’t mean that eveything is fine on the inside. Sometimes we are so quick to judge someone else and to dictate what we think is right for that person. But if we don’t walk in their shoes, we have no right to judge that person. So if we can’t say something nice about someone, it’s best to say nothing at all. And for a lot of people that is near impossibe to do. I have to live with this illness, every fighting day of my life; as does so many others who are fighting this battle called mental illness.

I believe (I know) we have been the topic of conversation around many supper tables. I have never experienced such cruelty, gossip and backbiting in all my life.  And the topic of conversation being our fundraising efforts in order to give our six years old little girl, who has cerebral palsy, and who’s needs far outway the needs of a ‘normal’ child. We were told we were a burden to others and society. It’s attacks like this that make it near impossible for us to live a normal life. Life is hard enough as it is while trying to raise a child with a disability, 24/7 365days a year and no government funding. But then to have to deal with such cruelty, added stress and humilitation is beyond humane.

But we will move forward, with courage, strength and hope; despite adversity, hatred and insensitivety. We are so grateful for those in our lives who support us with their love, compassion and encouragement. It’s those people that help us each day to put one foot in front of the other, without them we could not survive. I am sorry that I have to write such a disturbing blog but I feel exposure is the best and only remedy.

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He Sees The Sparrow Fall

This is my testimony to the power of God in my life. We have just experienced one of the most evil attacks of satan that I have ever experienced in all my life. It left us beaten down, defeated and broken. I am not going to get into all the ugly details of what we encountered, God will take care of all those concerned and His Holy Spirit will convict and trouble those responsible.

I cannot stop, nor help what someone thinks of me. I have so desperately tried to fit in and be the best that I can be. But you see, I’m not perfect, I have made so many mistakes, but I try my best with what I have. I have been judged, backstabbed, the topic of many conversations behind my back and stigmatized because of my mental illness. But I learned something this week, all of that really doesn’t matter. No matter what I do I will never meet up to someone else’s expectation of me. And no matter what I do, it will never be good enough. I’ve been told  I should be working. And yes that  is true, there’s nothing I would rather be doing and for 28 years I worked and owned my own business and loved it. And eight years ago I was told by my doctors that I would never work again. To which I thought was crazy, I’m going to get better I thought. But you know, eight years later and I’m still fighting my mental illness. Fighting to just make it through the day. Fighting to be just okay, fighting to just functin and survive each day as best I can. And take it one day at a time and no more. Yes, you may look at me and judge me from what you see on the outside and yes I probaly look fine but a mental illness is not always visible on the outside and mental illnss can only be seen and felt on the inside. So before you give me my clearance to go back to work, you better have a Phd after your name. I thank God that I am as well as what I am because having a child with a disability  requires, not a 9-5 day job but a 24/7, 365 days a year, full time job. So if you want to judge me, backbite about me-and slander me; I will ask you first to please walk a day in my shoes, in our shoes and then you just MIGHT understand why and how we do what we have to do.

But I prayed and never gave up and last night God intervened. He had to, we were dying and no where to turn. But God is faithful and He was about to show me. All my plans for what I wanted to paint were destroyed, they would never be painted. But God had other plans and yes, God can speak through art if we would just open our eyes. His message came to me loud and clear. Man may think they can destroy you, but God had other plans. So if you have a problem with me, take it up with Him. Because I have tried and I can’t do this myself; I gave it all to Him. I can trust Jesus when life seems like it’s falling apart. So yesterday I got up the courage to go to my art studio and I sat and poured my heart out to God; He was listening and He was watching. And I started on the road that He was leading. He showed me what I  needed to paint and gave me the name of my painting; ‘He Sees The Sparrows Fall’. It’s a painting of two sparrows perched on an outside window ledge, safe and secure. The painting isn’t complete yet but keep following for its unveiling will soon be here.

That night I left my art studio and I felt the presence of God, something I haven’t felt so strongly in a long time. And the words of a song came to me,  but I couldn’t remember the name of  the song, all I could remember was those few words. So I googled the words that I did know and found the song that God had for me and my family and He confirmed to me that He was going to take care of us. I found the song on Youtube and played it; the song is called, ‘I Can Trust Jesus.’ And the first two lines of that song blew my mind!  They are; ‘God picked up a SPARROW that could no  longer fly. He brushed off it’s wounds and then watched it soar into the sky.’ With tears streaming down my face (I reminded myself of being like my Dad), I knew this was no coincidence but the hand of God. The song and my painting were of a sparrow; it confirmed and reminded me that it’s going to be okay, we were going to be okay. And no one was going to seperate us from the love of God. I was again reminded of the verse in the bible that says, (Matthew 10: 29-31) ‘Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.’

So today my heart is filled with gratitude for His presence and protection in our lives. For without Him, I can do nothing. I knew while we were in this storm, that there was only one answer and it was God and God alone that was going to calm this storm. Or if not , we were surely going to drown. I know so many of you today are going through circumstnces, sickness, loss, trials and tribulations that you feel you will never survive and think there are no answers to. But I’m here to remind you that, ‘You Can Trust Jesus’. I have just proven it over the past few days. I want to leave you with one verse from the bible that says, ‘For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.'(Romans 8:38-39 KJV)

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Exposing Mental Illness

It’s now 9:50 pm and I just survived one of the worse days of my life. And this had nothing to do with anything that was happening in my life. But this had everything to do with my mental illness; and that is what living with a chronic, treatment resistant, mental illness can do to you. It can totally destroy your day by holding you captive inside your mind. Maybe on the outside no one noticed, and I don’t believe anyone did. So basically I spent my day trying to be just okay. And I did, I survived and it’s only now I am feeling some sense of relief; and that’s why I can write about it right now. I could not have done this at any other point of the day.

Living with a mental illness is near impossible to explain unless you have experienced it for yourself. It’s sad really when people ‘get it’ when you have any other illness. They can empathize with you; they can understand and share in your feelings, even if they have never experienced it for themselves. The reason I believe this to be so is because there is no judgement, no stigma, no shame attached to any physical illness. But once it becomes a mental illness, the tables are turned. And that is why so many people suffering from a mental illness, do so in silence. Because they know the way in which society today still view and judge someone with a mental illness, they still don’t ‘get it’.

I know what I’m talkng about because I have lived this hell for all my life. And for most of that time I was ashamed, embarrassed and lived behind a wall of shame. Sadly, not a lot as changed, yes we may talk about it a little more through the media but are we really ‘getting it?’ Do we realize that it is an illness and not a weakness, a character flaw; that a mental illness and physicl illness are one and the same. Why do we still separate the two? Our brain is an organ of the physical body just as much as the heart, liver, kidneys and all other organs of the body are. This is, in my opinion the first step in understanding what mentl illness really is and an even bigger step in breaking down the wall of stigma.

Even today I suffered in silence because I didn’t want to burden my family or let my children see how Daddy was really feeling on the inside; I was protecting them from being exposed to the very ugly side of this illness. And I felt I didn’t want to talk to my wife or family because in my mind I was thinking that they must be tired of hearing about my depression. I was also feeling; what’s the point? There are no answers, there was nothing that anyone could really do for me, that could take away my pain. So even after all these years of suffering from my illness, I still have times when I hide the way I truly feel. It’s kind of ironic that I speak so openly about my illness through my blogs but still find it difficult at times to share it face to face. It’s much easier to share by just writing my thoughts on paper. Yet my advice to someone who is suffering from depression and anxiety is to talk to someone. But even for me there are times when I don’t always practice what I preach.

Although my brain was telling me not to talk to anyone, yet I knew from experience that I had to. I was feeling guilty and ashamd because I should not be feeling this way. But again why should guilt and shame have to play a role in this illness? It’s an illness after all; but it’s the illness that is telling your mind all those distorted thoughts. So eventually I knew I had to talk to someone. I was home alone, with no one to talk to. But eventually I messaged my best friend (who I’m thinking must be sick of hearing about my’bad days’); and notice I said messaged. I didn’t have the courage to talk on the phone. Talking seemed impossible for me to do. So ‘Messenger’ was going to be my choice of communicating, it was easier that way. My advice to someone who is suffering in silence today is, you have to talk to someone, you can’t survive this illness without support.

It’s now 10 am, the next morning and I’m feeling no better, worse really, now I’m becoming really scared. What if this is going to explode into an all out breakdown? It can’t happen, I won’t survive another breakdown and neither would my family. Mental illness is capable of tearing apart the best of marriages. Our’s is no exception and mental illness is a consuming fire that can destroy anything in it’s path. And I was not about to let that happen. At that moment I thought what is going on, why now? Was it the onset of the Christms Season? Was it all affecting me in a negative manner; subconsciously. I didn’t know. But then it hit me; did you take your medcation? To be honest, I have never forgotten to take my medication religiously, it’s the first thing I do every day. But for some reason I just forgot and normally medication time is 7:30 am, now it’s 10 am. And what I’m feeling is withdrawal! Needless to say, I wasted no time getting that medication into my body. I couldn’t even stand I was so weak and shivering, I lay down and slept until about 12:30 pm. And when I awakened those disturbing symptoms of a relaspe were gone. I prayed, ‘Oh God, please let that be the cause of my supposedly onset of a breakdown. I knew from past experiences, that was what it felt like. So for those of you who are on medication, please don’t do what I done and forget to take your medicaion but make it a part of your daily routine. We cannot afford to skip our scheduled dose, it can really throw your head into a spin. Although I was diagnosed, treatment resistant, doesn’t mean medication can’t still help, it does obviously. It means I don’t respond well to medication and other forms of treatment as others may.

So today I fight once again this ugly beast; because this is a chronic illness for me, everyday is a battle. Some days feel like I’m winning and then there are other days when I feel I’m loosing to this monster. But what options do I have? I fight with every ounce of strength that I have within me. And hopefully that strength never runs out. Because if it does, I’m in big trouble. And I would also acknowledge God’s presence in my life. Even on days when I don’t feel Him, I can still see Him by the eye of faith. I have to believe that He is watching over us. Isaiah 43:2 (New International Version) “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” God did not promise a life without hardships, sickness and troubles but He did promise He would be with us. So with my mental illness I believe I have passed through the waters, passed through the rivers and I have walked through the fire. But there is one thing I know; I did not go through this illness alone because He promised, ‘I will be with you.’ And He is with you too, no matter what you are facing today!

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Defining Depression

How do you put on paper what your heart is yearning to say? Words are just that; words! But putting those words in a sentence that makes sense and expresses how you feel, well that’s not so easy to do. Words can only speak, but only the heart can truly feel what it is you truly want to express. I have tried so desperately to portray my thoughts and feelings in my Blog: www.harrislisa72.com entitled; ‘Life and Times of The Tuckers.’ With the caption attached; ‘Living with depression and anxiety. Raising a child with cerebral palsy. The ups and downs of life; the rain and the sunshine.’ I have written a total of 173 posts/blogs on this website and I feel I have only scratched the surface (written from January 2017-November 2019).

I won’t lie to you and tell you that life is wonderful and easy. When I’m having a very bad day, and I’m just referring here to my depression and anxiety, life is anything but wonderful and easy. Each moment of the day is a fight, a fight to just survive. Each day is a challenge, nothing comes easy anymore, not even the little things. I would just like to elaborate on some defining symptoms of this battlefield of the mind.

For me, when my pain is so intense, I feel like I don’t want to live anymore, that’s what depression can do to you, but yet I don’t want to die either. The constant pain and torment lessens your will to live. It would be so much easier to die and escape this living hell. But yet deep down, you really know that’s not what you really want. You just want to live, but really live without the constant struggle to survive. Life should be so much more then just surviving. I’ve often said to my doctor, ‘if this is living, then I am not living.’ Depression steals the joy, enthusiasm, your reason for living, your purpose; it steals ‘YOU’! And everyday you are constantly trying to find that ‘you’ that once you were. He’s in there somewhere but just can’t seem to escape the prison of the mind.

Depression can be defined as the overpowering need to isolate yourself from the rest of the world. There’s the inability to socialize, the wanting to just hide under a rock. That outgoing, social ‘icon’ that once I was is now turned into somewhat of a recluse. But that is the last thing I want, the last thing I need. When you suffer from depression you feel totally alone, you could be in a crowded room but feel like you are the only person there. Lonely is your constant companion. But we know we are created for companionship, we  crave affection and love. Living in isolation will only make our depression worse and that is why I need people around me, a form of support.

And then there’s the worse part of the day; the morning! A major defining symptom of depression is the fear of the day to come. How am I ever going to survive it? Constant fatigue and tiredness overwhelms my body and mind. I wonder how I can get out of bed, but then I say; ‘Okay God, it’s me and you, I can’t do this alone. So let’s do this! And the day begins. On the not so good days, I long for night to come. I know then, I have survived another day. Maybe sleep will provide an escape; a reprieve. And yet in spite of my depression and anxiety, I live my best life with what I have and try to make the best of everyday.

I can define/describe depression in so many other ways; living in a dark hole, loss of memory and concentration, having no desire to do the things you once loved to do. Depression has the power to redefine who you are (if you let it); It can consume your every thought and lessen you to a different person; to someone who as lost all confidence in oneself, convincing you that you are worthless and useless. No matter how hard I try, life becomes unbearable and overwhelming to a point where you don’t know how you can go on. But you know in reality, that is your illness talking; it distorts your thinking patterns.  The American Psychiatric Association defines major depressive disorder as ‘a common and serious MEDICAL illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.’

We are presently experiencing the ‘Season to be Jolly.’ I love Christmas, a little too much sometimes; I don’t know when to stop decorating. I was warned to tone it down this year, but how do ‘I’ tone down Christmas? My idea of toning it down is someone else’s idea of being overdone, too funny! But that’s not what Christmas is all about, there’s more to it then just decorations. For a lot of people Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year. It’s that time of the year when we are expected to be happy, joyful and glad. But what if we suffer from depression and anxiety; Christmas can be an enormous trigger. It can trigger so many symptoms of depression; loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, fatigue, anxiousness; all for various reasons. I pray this Christmas that all who suffer from mental illness, will feel the peace that came to earth on that first Christmas morning. Isaiah 9:6 ‘For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder; and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, THE PRINCE OF PEACE.’

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If You Just Wait And See

It’s that time of year when God takes out His paintbrush and paints the most beautiful, vibrant colors of Fall. It’s even difficult for a picture or painting to even capture the real beauty that He as created. It’s best viewed with the naked eye, the beauty of nature in it’s purist form. Some may look at Fall as a season of dying; the leaves are fading, they fall and they die. But without this season of dying, we would not experience the season of new life, new beginnings, new growth; Spring. Just as there are four seasons; Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer, in our yearly cycle. There are many seasons of our life; birth, new life, death, dying, happy, sad. But all make up the cycle of life and we all experience each one at some point in our lives.

Having a mental illness (Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder) sometimes feels like you are stuck in one season of your life forever and that season doesn’t change. The season of sadness, grief, loss, hopelessness and despair. It’s a season of nearly complete darkness, there’s very little light, the sun seldom shines and when it does, it is filtered by the clouds. I have experienced this season many times in my life and most days I have to fight to find the light, fight to see the sunshine, just fight, fight every day.

Most days my only reprieve or escape is sleep. But even then, my sleep is so disturbed that it’s like I’m not sleeping at all and I awake exhausted. This week as been one of my better weeks I’ve had in months. There’s been mornings when I awake and I realize that I slept fairly well and that awful dreaded feeling is not there. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in months. I’m praying that God will give me more of these mornings. Mornings when I don’t have to force myself out of bed but mornings that I want to get out, there’s nothing I want anymore for myself then to just feel ‘normal’. When nothing is forced, it just comes naturally, life doesn’t appear to be impossible to live, the every day tasks of life doesn’t overwhelm me to a point of panic. That’s all I ask, nothing more.

I am so thankful today for the support that I have , some living far away, especially  my family who I know have always held me close to their hearts, even when we are separated by distance. And I know I’ve probably caused them so much worry and concern but that’s what  sickness does. And I can’t apologize for that because if I could take away this illness, I would in an heartbeat. And then there are friends that God as placed in my life, friends that I have not met by chance but by divine intervention. They have helped me through some very dark places and today I’m still here because of their support. My mental illness as strained my relationship with my wife and children. It can destroy the best of marriages and steal the best of times with your children. But I have worked so hard to be aware, to be conscious of the damaging effects this illness can have on us. So I have fought, with what I have and with all that is within me to be the best that I can be. And sometimes maybe I have fallen short, but it’s not because I haven’t tried and I’m sure all of us are guilty at times of not reaching the mark.

I was encouraged this morning by a message I received ( and I won’t mention any names, but you know who you are) and I won’t repeat the message because it was met for my ears. But I will share my response because I believe it came directly from my heart. It was a God moment! And my message said, “Thanks for your encouraging words. When you have lived a lifetime with a mental illness, It beats you down to a point where you feel you are nothing and can do nothing. But I KNOW that God doesn’t make nobodies, He makes somebodies! And I’m a somebody because of Him. And my talent is a gift from Him and I give Him all the praise and thanks. And I also thank Him because I have such supportive people in my life like you! Love you! And thanks!” When you have a mental illness it is imperative that you have a support system. It’s one illness that isolates you and makes you feel you are all alone in an overpopulated world. But with support and encouragement from family and friends, you can make it through any season of your life. I am living proof.

So no matter what season of life you may be in at this present moment; just know that seasons change, they do not last forever. If you are in the bitter cold of winter, spring is just around the corner; if you just wait and see!!

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One More Fight

Today I am in for the fight of my life. I knew before I opened my eyes that the darkness of depression was already settling in on my morning. Life had become more then I could handle it felt. I was depleted of my fight, my strength was nearly gone, my hope and faith waivered but I put my feet over the bed anyway. And stood like a toy soldier, preparing for battle. And that’s what life had become for me, a battle. A war to keep my mental health, a war against Lauren’s cerebral palsy, a war to keep my family together, a war against the harsh battles of every day life. I was worn down, I didn’t know how much longer my fuel and ammunition was going last. Would I be able to make it through another day, would I win this war one more time? Or would I fall beneath the load of it all? After all, I’m human, we all have a breaking point.

It was in 2012 that my last mental warfare began, a total mental and physical breakdown. It’s now 2019 and there are many days that depression devours my every being. Days when all I want to do is sleep (but can’t), days when the small everyday tasks seem so big that I have no clue how I’m going to be able to do it, times when I am so anxious that all I want to do is run, but run where? Days when my emotions are so out of control that I am frightened to death to go out in public; for fear of someone speaking to me and I would explode into a river of tears and drown in a lake of embarrassment. I thought by now my life would have gotten a little easier, my mental health improved (and it has to some degree), the troubles of life would have become fewer but in lots of ways they have become harder. Maybe it’s because every soldier gets tired of fighting, the battles just wear you down and you feel you have little fight left in you. Because every battle you fight, leaves you with a battle scar; weakened, tired, exhausted and bleeding. But you try desperately to hide those scars and pretend everything’s alright.

But oh the inward pain you cannot see, the scars beneath your tired flesh. If but for one moment you could look inside; the brokenness you would see. So be kind, gentle, non-judgemental and compassionate to those you meet, because you can’t see the pain they bear. Most days you may look at me and think that everything is okay but inside I may be dying; never judge a book by it’s cover. Even today as I sit at Robin’s with my thoughts, pen, paper and my coffee; I may appear fine. When in reality I’m trying to hold the pieces together.

Years have gone by, every day begins the same dreaded routine of just trying to be okay. Trying to pretend I’m okay, just to meet others expectations of me. I want to be well more then anything, I want this constant torment to end. But how do I make it go away? I have done everything humanly possible that I know and still this cloud of despair hangs over me and there’s nowhere I can go to escape it’s presence. I realize my diagnosis is a chronic one, meaning ‘persisting for a long time or constantly recurring’ (definition by Google). I wonder does a ‘long time’ mean a lifetime, because that’s what it’s been for me. I just pray that God gives me the strength and endurance to keep going, because right now I feel like I can’t fight anymore. How much fighting can one do before they reach a point where they can’t do it anymore?

That thought scares me to death! But I can’t give in, I can’t give up, I will trust even if it’s blind trust. I will have faith that things will get better, even if it’s borrowed faith. I will not loose hope, even when I fall, even when I feel I can’t fight anymore, I will fight! God help me and God help those who are travelling this same hellish road. May we stay strong, hold on to faith, get up when we fall, trust in God when we cannot see, hope when we have nothing left. Tomorrow will be better. I BELIEVE!

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Trusting God When Life Doesn’t Make Sense

How many times have I asked the question; ‘This just doesn’t make sense God?’ Why is this happening to me, to us? What is it you are trying to teach me? What is your purpose? No good can come from this, can it? I have travelled a long, hard road to get where I am today and even today, I stumble and fall, but I know I have to get up again. For the most part, I have learned to let go and to just trust God. Now, is that easy to do? Not at all, it is something I have yet to master, but everyday I’m learning. Taking your life, your family and just giving it all over to God is the hardest thing in the world to do; especially when you have a personality like mine, whereby I have to be in control of my life at all times.

But then trouble comes, life changes and you find yourself totally out of control, life is happening and you are not pulling the strings. Your perfectly controlled world falls apart. And you realize you are not in control at all! It is just terrifying. But yet God is speaking, in that still small voice; ‘trust me even when it’s not making sense!’

I guess you can say it all started back in March 23, 2008, when my Dad died. Why God? It didn’t make sense. I had not come to the place in my relationship with God, that my Dad did. He was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer and was given weeks to live. Our world, our family was loosing the one thing that held us all together. It made no sense! But Dad didn’t look at it like that, to him it made total sense. Either way he looked at it, he was not going to loose this battle. His faith and trust in God was unmovable. He said, ‘I have two options; I will walk out of this hospital an healed man or I will walk those streets of gold and find everlasting peace (paraphrased).’ Well he didn’t loose his battle with cancer, he is now present with the Lord; cancer free! It now makes total sense; death as lost it’s sting. Death is not the end, but the beginning.

Then on July 8, 2008 trouble knocked on our door once again. This is a door I did not want to open, it made no sense. After my Dad’s passing, Lisa and I decided that we wanted to have a baby, maybe even a boy; to carry on the ‘Tucker’ name, a legacy that my father would have been so proud of. So over the next few months we became pregnant and to make a long story short, only to be told at the ER that our baby didn’t make it after a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. The moment the doctor spoke those words, ‘our baby didn’t make it’; our world fell apart and God this did not make sense! How could it? Our baby was gone! We felt totally empty, alone, in shock and filled with grief.

After months of grieving the loss of our baby, we decided to try again. This time it did ‘not’ happen. But why not? This made no sense! We were told our only hope would be IVF; In Vitro Fertilization. So being so determined; IVF it was. And once the procedure was complete, we were pregnant again. On March 14,2011 we were blessed with a bouncing baby boy, Logan Kennedy Tucker. He’s now eight years old and hasn’t stopped bouncing since, thank God!

Life was going fairly smoothly and we were enjoying the privilege of being parents. But then around six months after Logan’s birth, trouble knocks again. There is no truer verse of scripture then the one found in John 16:33, ‘ In this world you will have trouble.’ Little did I realize just how much. I started having symptoms of depression; couldn’t sleep, loss of appetite, anxious, sadness, uncontrollable emotion, lost of interest in things I once loved to do, isolation. Before long I was in the depths of despair, a total mental and physical shut down. Why is this happening now? I should be happy, life was at it’s best; I had it all. This just doesn’t make sense. I was diagnosed with severe chronic depression and anxiety disorder. Talk about loosing control of your life, it was totally out of control. I could not work anymore and loss my will to live, I hit rock bottom and could not climb my way back to the life I had. God this doesn’t make sense. God I’m talking to you! Are you listening?

Then in the midst of all my darkness, God sent us an angel of light, a miracle, no IVF, a beautiful baby girl, Lauren Kennedy Tucker, born March 31,2013. I wasn’t improving by no means, as a last resort ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy) was my only option, my only hope. But much to my dismay, I did not respond to the treatment. Only getting worse, our lives were spinning out of control. God this doesn’t make sense.

Just when I thought life couldn’t get any tougher. On Lauren’s First birthday, she was diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy. God this is not happening, this is making no sense. Here was a father struggling for his life and now our angel was given this life altering diagnosis. We were heartbroken and life once again was spinning out of control. We had control over nothing and when I say nothing, I mean nothing; we were at the mercy of God. We lost everything we owned. Now God, how am I supposed to trust you? But were there any alternatives, any better options? No, we were at the mercy of God, He was all we had and I realized later that He was all we needed. I had to learn to put my total trust in a God, who at the time, I could not feel or see. But that’s where faith comes in and I had to believe that my creator was in control and knows best. Isaiah 55:8-9 says, ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.’ I had to come to a point where I realized that I was the created, but He was my Creator and He was in control, even when I wasn’t. Trust, I had to trust!

I have had much trouble, not unlike any of you who are reading this, no one is exempt. I felt like Job’s wife in Job2:9 when she said, ‘curse God, and die’. But Job said in Job 13:15 , ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.’ Many times I have felt like God had slayed me, God had forsaken me but I will still trust Him! God is not the problem but the answer. He is God, He knows what He’s doing, He’s in control and He loves us unconditionally. In my troubles He is refining me and teaching me what it is to trust Him even when it doesn’t make sense.

 

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What Others Can’t See

This isn’t the way it was suppose to be. This isn’t what I had anticipated my life to be today. This wasn’t the plan; so far from what I had thought. Never did I think my mental illness would be so controlling, so disabling, so crippling. I awake and wonder, ‘how am I going to do this again?’ My eyes just opened and I’m in panic mode already, exhausted and my day as not even begun. My inner voice calls out to God, ‘Okay God, let’s do this because if you don’t, I can’t.’ So I throw my feet over the bed and hope for the best. Hope that just maybe, this might be a good day, a better day.

This is exactly how someone who is struggling with chronic depression feels; it doesn’t go away. Even on a good day it’s still lurking in the shadows of your subconscious mind.

It’s a beautiful Fall Saturday morning. The leaves on the trees have just started to fade to the most vibrant, radiant colors that Fall brings. I think to myself; a beautiful day to harvest the small but abundant vegetable garden we had planted in early spring. A day to reap the benefits of our labor. Time to get my hands dirty with the soil of Mother Earth, rather then covered in paint from my time of splattering different mediums on an artist canvas. So today is going to be a good day, if good intentions, fight and drive have anything to do with it. But deep inside I know the difference; for this chronic depressed soul would have to endure that unending feeling of sadness, hopelessness, fear of surviving another day and the question, ‘Would I survive another?’ Fatigue was already scratching at my minds door; trying to get in.

I had to franticly remind myself of what I had planned to do today and nothing was going to stop me. So I had to push aside those thoughts and remind the kids and Lisa that it was harvest time. Time to get those potatoes and carrots especially, out of the ground. And so we start digging, everyone in awe of what we had accomplished and what was coming out of the ground would be our winter supply of vegetables; I don’t think so! It wouldn’t be long before we’d be headed to the nearest produce department of our local grocery store. But I guess it wasn’t  all about the quantity but the fun we had in the process. The kids just loved it and that made me happy, no matter what my brain was telling me. Our cameras (iPhones) clicked multiple pictures of our first family harvest; it was an hit! And we had the proof; the pictures we had captured. Looking at the pictures, you could not buy the more perfect ‘Fall Family Harvest.’

But does a picture always tell a thousand words? In this case, no! For hidden behind my farmer façade; deep down inside my mind, was an hurting, painful, struggling, faltering soul. Wanting nothing more then to be at peace, just to enjoy what I was doing in the moment. But no, it was still there; hidden behind the pictures, the camera could not see or capture the war within.

Just recently I read an article by Awareness Act, called; ’15 Habits of People With Concealed Depression.’ I thoroughly related to many of these habits and find myself practicing them even today. Although I blog and talk openly about my depression; I don’t go around with DEPRESSION written on my forehead for all to see. No, when I am in public I have mastered the art of concealing my depression. People may look at me and think, ‘Wow, what I wouldn’t give to have his life.’ Everything may look great on the outside but on the inside I could be dying. Fighting a war that never seems to end.

I would just like to elaborate on a few of these ‘habits’ that relate to ‘my’ depression. One of these would be; ‘people with concealed depression are often quite talented and very expressive.’ I’m quoting, ‘These people are able to bring something beautiful out of the darkness that consumes them.’ And every day that as been my goal, through my writing and painting; is to bring something beautiful out of all this suffering and darkness.

Secondly, ‘They tend to search for purpose.’ My life is filled with searching; there as to be a reason and a purpose for all this hidden depression that lies deep within, it cannot all be in vain. And I believe it as opened a door whereby I can be an advocate for mental illness. And because I have personally suffered with this horrible illness for all my life, I have gained knowledge, experience and a compassion that I would have never received had I not suffered from depression, anxiety and panic attacks myself. It is my belief that the only people that truly understand and ‘get it’, are those who have suffered this illness themselves.

Thirdly, in order to feel better or to try to have a ‘good’ day requires a lot of effort; it doesn’t just come naturally, unlike most people. Every day that I put my feet over the bed, to get up in the morning, requires effort and fight. But I do it!

People suffering from depression learn to fake moods. They will often come across as happy and ‘normal’ on the outside because they don’t want to bring others down. So we fake it!

And lastly I’d like to elaborate on the fact that we have trouble shutting off our brains, they are constantly in motion; much like an hamster on a spinning wheel, always moving but going no where. Sometimes I wish I had an on/off switch but that’s not the way it is. Learning to slow down my thoughts and to stay in the moment is one of the best practices I have found to find a little relief. And due to this constant turmoil; it leaves you with unending fatigue, mentally drained, irritable and a shortness of patience. Mental fatigue can some days just leave you lifeless.

Robin Williams, well known actor and comedian, was a man who suffered immensely with concealed depression. He was one of my favorite actors and never in a million years would I have thought that he suffered from depression. But the façade awarded him many awards in his industry and the picture he painted certainly wasn’t a one of darkness and depression.

So, a picture doesn’t always tell a thousand words. Many times what we cannot see is much greater then what we can see. So never judge a book by it’s cover; for hidden in the pages lie the many hurts, the pain and the sadness of depression. Sometimes what others can’t see, is what hurts the most. So if you are hurting today, and you are suffering alone and in silence; know this, you are not alone. If you have no one to talk to, I am here, I understand, I care, I love you! Feel free to private message me, I may not have the answers but I ‘get it’.

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ASHAMED

It’s been weeks and I have written nothing. Not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. I couldn’t lift that pen and start letting my pain flow onto the paper. I was ashamed of how I was feeling, ashamed that my depression swept over me like constant grief. I was like someone grieving over death and my grief was not getting any easier. So rather then writing about my depression/grief, I tried to hide it on the inside. I had shared my illness in countless blogs before and here I  am years later and still struggling. I was ashamed, ashamed that I can’t beat this beast within my prisoned mind. But then I realized, that’s why I have to write, to enlighten those reading, just what living with depression is like. It’s not always something that is here today and gone tomorrow. No, mine as lasted a lifetime. A lifetime of fighting, a lifetime of being ashamed.

I have had moments when I thought that shame was gone, times when I felt I had nothing to be ashamed of. But depression is not that forgiving, it will remind me over and over again. It will remind me until it as me beaten down so far, that all I want to do is hide it and suffer in silence. Well, once again here I am, fighting back! Fighting back with the little bit of fight that I have left in me.

My very good friend reminded me of just how brave someone is, that is fighting a mental illness. It’s in the words of this poem by Lana Rafaela;

I Think It’s Brave

I think it’s brave that you get up

in the morning even if your soul is weary

and your bones ache for a rest.

I think it’s brave that you keep on living

even if you don’t know how to anymore.

I think it’s brave that you push

away the waves rolling in every day

and you decide to fight.

I know there are days when you

feel like giving up but I think it’s brave

that you never do.

But there are some moments when I do give up. Moments when I just can’t fight anymore. Moments when hidden away behind closed doors; I just loose it and cry out to God, ‘I just can’t do this anymore’. I guess in some way, God reaches down and pulls me to my feet and says, ‘Now go fight, I am with you.’ And I do!

It seems the headlines almost everyday is filled with issues pertaining to mental illness. One such headline I read recently stated, ‘Pastor and Mental Health Advocate Jarrid Wilson Dies by Suicide’. (Notice they didn’t say, ‘committed suicide’, committed implies you performed an illegal act, for instance; you commit murder). Jarrid suffered from depression and often posted on social media about his own battles with the mental illness. His wife posted on Instagram; ‘ No more pain, my Jerry, no more struggle. You are made complete and you are finally free’. Prior to his passing he wrote a post encouraging followers to remember that even though loving Jesus doesn’t cure illnesses such as depression, PTSD or anxiety, Jesus does offer companionship and comfort. He confides that he had dealt with ‘severe depression throughout most of his life and contemplated suicide on multiple occasions.’ In his summer blog post, Jarrid challenged the idea some Christians have that those who die by suicide are condemned to hell.’

I’m quoting from an article published by Christianity Today. ‘Christians wouldn’t tell someone with a physical illness like cancer they are going to hell because of their diagnosis, he noted. Neither should they assume it of people with mental illnesses, which can lead many people to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do if they didn’t struggle.’

“Those who say suicide automatically leads to hell obviously don’t understand the totality of mental health issues in today’s world, let alone understand the basic theology behind compassion and God’s all consuming grace,’ he said.

We must do better at educating people on things they have a hard time wrapping their heads around. And mental health is definitely a topic  Christians around the world must yearn to better understand.’ It’s then we will be less quick to judge and swifter to be the arms of Jesus, showing compassion and tenderness without prejudice.

I am so thankful for the gift that God as bestowed upon me to be a mental health advocate. Having a first hand experience with mental illness myself has given me the drive, the passion, the compassion, the determination to break down the walls of stigma and judgement that is still so prevalent in our world today. This gift as not come without its consequences, misconceptions, losses, misunderstandings, isolation and hurts. But I believe that’s what Jesus was referring to when He said, ‘If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me (Luke 9:23).’ To follow Jesus was going to cost us something; the cross was not going to be easy to carry. This was not going to be a road of ease, feel good or prosperity path.

And so today I am still struggling, I still hurt, I still feel pain, I still have days that I can’t go on but I do. And for those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about; I pray for God’s grace and healing for all of us. Let’s go on, we can do this!