Author: harrisclyde@hotmail.com

Hi! My name is Harris Tucker. I live in Bay Robert's, NL with my beautiful wife, Lisa Kennedy Tucker and our two adorable children; Logan and Lauren.
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Because He Lives I Can Face Today

I awakened with that ever abiding voice of depression. I pushed myself out of bed, not because I was lazy and didn’t want to get out but I was paralyzed, disabled by my broken mind. The thoughts of facing the day scared me to death. How can I do this again?  Can’t this just stop, can’t I just live a ‘normal’ life for a change. I dragged myself to the kitchen table with my caffeine fix in my hand and threw myself onto the chair. My head was in a total fog. I looked at my wife and said, “Can’t I just have one good day?’ But I knew it wasn’t going to be today. To wake up every morning and have this overwhelming weight of the world on my shoulders, I was exhausted even before my day began.

We just celebrated the Easter season, a time of victory, joy and celebration for the Christian. A time when Jesus provided for all humanity the only way to the Father, that being the shedding of His blood. Romans 10:9 ‘If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shall believe in thine heart that God hath raised Him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.’ Having a mental illness has taken away the ability for me to fully experience the joyous feeling of the resurrection but I have learned that I now live by what I ‘know’, not what I ‘feel’. 2 Timothy 1:12 ‘For I ‘KNOW’ whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day’.

It’s very difficult for me to sing the song, ‘Because He lives I can face tomorrow. Because He lives all fear is gone.’ I would be lying if I said there were times that I am not fearful. Because there are times I am fearful.  I’m fearful of my mental illness and what it can do to me and my family, the fear of a total relapse of my illness, the fear of Lauren’s ever changing health, not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring forth. But I try not to let my thoughts go to tomorrow. I live one day at a time and this morning the thought came to me and it’s pertaining to this song, ‘Because He Lives.’ But for me , who lives with a broken mind, I can say with confidence, ‘Because He lives I can face today’. We are not promised tomorrow so I try not to go there but live today; one minute, one hour, one day at a time. This I know to be true!

I know there are so many out there who feel they can’t go on, life is too much, God wouldn’t have anything to do with me. Don’t believe that, God takes us just as we are, in our brokenness , our messed up minds, our addictions, our broken marriages, our hurts, our abuse, our fears; He takes us just as we are. When we feel we’re a nobody, a nothing, useless, ugly, unlovable human being; He loves us. We are never alone, even when we feel God is nowhere to be found (I know the feeling, I won’t lie), He is right there, standing somewhere in the shadows you’ll find Jesus. He’s the one who always cares and understands. When others have turned their backs on us and we feel all alone, He is there. “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you”.

You may ask, ‘why do I bring God into the picture when it comes to my mental illness?’ Because I believe the first step to any level of recovery is, we have to admit to ourselves that we have an illness and that we are powerless over it. This is one battle that we cannot fight alone. That is why we need to turn to a Power greater then ourselves, to help us survive this hellish illness. Much like the second step in the AA Program for alcohol addiction. As with any other chronic or terminal illness, we need to turn to a spiritual power that is able to strengthen and walk us through our journey. It’s then we realize that we are not in control, in our own strength we could never make it. Let’s just put things into perspective; when we know we have no where else to turn and we are at a dead end; I believe we quickly realize who we have to turn to. And guess what? He’s there waiting; waiting for you! God is not he enemy, He’s the answer. No matter where you’ve been, no matter what you’ve done, God loves you!

In spite of my constant fight to survive this battlefield in my mind, I still live my best life with what I have and not dwell on what I don’t have. Hoping that today will be a better day and one day I will find peace again, peace of mind.

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Our Reality

For the past fifty-six years now, I’ve attended the Academy of Life. And throughout these years I hope to think I’ve learned a thing or two about life itself. Many have been the ups and the downs, the joys and the sorrows, the good and the bad, the happy and the sad; you get the idea, sometimes life seems like a roller coaster ride and you just want to stop and get off. I can’t take this anymore, I’ve had enough. But we keep going, it’s life, we did not create our own reality. So we live life to the best of our ability with what we have.

So what do I mean when I say, ‘we did not create our own reality’. It most commonly means that we didn’t create the world in which we live, and this includes how we think and feel. We certainly live in a society that definitely tries to convince us that this is not true (and I respect that). But from my own life experiences, I find this to be my truth. No matter how I used the ‘power of positive thinking’ or ‘like attracts like’ (The Secret). Everything in my life didn’t come falling into my lap. If that were the case nothing bad would ever happen to us and we know that is not true. And then there are others who might interpret this to mean that if you think negative thoughts, bad things will happen (or think positive thoughts and good things will happen). Yes we can think both negative and positive thoughts but they will not dictate our reality. My thoughts, due to my mental illness, are sometimes distorted, lack of concentration, losing train of thought, memory loss; all which lead me to a disabling reality. So in short, it suggests that by controlling your thoughts, you can control your destiny. When in fact I am not always in control of my thoughts because if I were there would be no room for negative thinking. So I could ‘try’ to think positive thoughts but that is not being realistic, neither is it being a pessimist. Sometimes I feel we have a tendency to brush the negative thoughts under the rug because we just don’t want to deal with them. And by doing so they will just go away. I think not! It’s our way of coping.

There is a ‘LITTLE’ truth to this idea that we create our own reality. For example, if we’re looking for negative things all the time, sure enough, we will find them. Or, if we look for the positive, we will find it too. Therefore, we do have some control over that for which we look.

That said, the overall statement is hogwash!

What you think does not control what happens to you. Some people have very bad lives for absolutely no reason. They did not ‘think’ incorrectly nor is there anything wrong with their character. Similarly, some people have great lives for no reason. These people are not superior; they don’t ‘think’ in a better way, lets just say they are luckier.

Now I better back up with what I just said with some proof. Take a child who is starving to death in a third world country. That child did nothing wrong. That child cannot think their way out of their situation. That child will die, not through any fault of their own. They will die because life is cruel at times and unfair and they were born in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Me on the other hand was not born in a third world country. I was born in Canada, a fairly rich country. That doesn’t make me better than the child in the third world country. But it sure gave me an advantage over the child in the third world country and I did nothing to deserve it. Guess I was just luckier?

The people that think they can create their own reality, are people with good realities. They seem to think they did something ‘right’ to manifest these realities. We all have to take responsibility for our own lives; we have to do what we can with what we have. You might be fortunate enough to be born  into a rich family, you did nothing to make that happen.

Where am I going with all of this you may ask? Well, I was born with a mental illness. I have spent years of my life in a life-threating depression. There is no amount of thinking that could free me from this prison. And there is no amount of thinking that can get people out of all the horrible, unfair illnesses and life circumstances that strike people. So please stop blaming people for their own realities. I am not to blame for my own reality. I did not ask for this illness, no more then Lauren asked to be born with cerebral palsy. Your life could be going along wonderfully and then something terrible happens and there’s nothing you can do to stop it, it’s out of our control.

So while we don’t create our own reality, we do deal with reality in the best way we can. Life is not always easy, or smooth going, it’s certainly not always in our control. No matter what we are facing today, we can’t give up but we have to keep going and one day we will reach the finish line, supposedly we have to crawl, we will make it!

 

 

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I’m Just Tired

I’ve stated before in previous blogs that writing is therapy, there is a sense of unloading your mind of your ugly thoughts. So if that’s the case, I better start writing because my mind is in a scary place. I want to run, run for my life but where would that bring me? At a dead end! I need to write not just for me but for those who don’t have a voice, those who are screaming in silence. I write to help others understand to some degree; the horrors of this disease and to emphasize that this is a disease, an illness. And that it’s a very dangerous one at that and should never be taken lightly.

Those who suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks and other mental illness know all too well the disabling and crippling effects of this illness. Mental illness has the power to destroy and kill lives. And that is why medical attention is a must to survive this illness. Medication and other therapies may not be a cure but they certainly aid in coping with a mental illness and give hope to an illness that seems hopeless. An illness that destroys your will to live. That would be the most important statement that I could write that would sum up this illness called depression. It’s so important I think I need to repeat it again, ‘An illness that destroys your will to live.’ I know because I have been there many times.

Now here I am in the middle of a second wave of covid-19; a province in lockdown, a province in panic, a province in uncertainty. And here I am fighting to get through each day, with a virus that is playing havoc on my mind. My mental illness doesn’t do well in the best of times but throw a pandemic into my already out of control world and it makes for some really rough days. Try has I must to carry on, to live a normal life as possible. And so many days I fail, I just can’t rise above this illness, some days it wins. Days when fatigue takes over, tired of fighting, days when you just don’t want to participate in life anymore. Just getting through the day is a gigantic accomplishment. No matter how hard you try to be positive, to be happy, to live; you cannot force what is not there. I came across this quote today and it really sums up the kind of day I was having. “When people ask, ‘are you okay?’ And you say, ‘I’m just tired’. Yeah. Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of coping, tired of existing, tired of breathing, tired of living. I’m just done.”

Yet deep down inside I know I’m not done. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will keep trying, I will keep hoping, I will keep coping, I will keep existing, I will keep breathing, I will keep living. I will not give up. I cannot give up. I will find a way. Although today my depression told me otherwise but I will not listen, I will turn a deaf ear and keep fighting. No matter how rough the day, no matter the burden that I bare, the weight that I carry, I will not give up. Please help me God!

The reality of this illness is there is no cure. I cannot change that  no more then a person with cancer can change their illness. But we fight to live the best life we can with what we have. And many times that just doesn’t seem like very much. Days when it takes all that is within us to just move, days when we just want to hide from the world; when we feel so inadequate, impatient and lost. Sometimes I know I’m too hard on myself, when really I should give myself a little credit. I am a survivor and so are you! 

 

 

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Covid19 And My Mental Health

Will the ‘restrictions’ of Covid19 kill me before Covid19 does? Don’t get me wrong I know we have to abide by these restrictions and they are put in place for our good, for our protection. And I will follow these restrictions for myself and also for the safety of others.

But having said that, coming from someone who suffers from a mental illness; how am I going to survive? Because right now I have days where I feel I am loosing the battle. Every restriction that is in place are restrictions that trigger my depression and anxiety. I believe this pandemic is difficult even for someone who has good mental health. But those who suffer mental illness; this caged, confined, imprisoned pandemic, would make one worry and wonder if you can survive this hellish existence.

I have no problem in wearing a facemask, I believe it’s the selfless thing to do; if it makes us a little uncomfortable, I think we can tolerate that, especially if it meant protecting someone who is autoimmune comprised or vulnerable. Sometimes we just have to do the right thing and wear a mask, if not for ourselves, then do it for others. I know there are some who just cannot wear a mask because of medical reasons and therefore they have a medical exemption from their doctor. I do believe these people should really limit their outings around others. One for their own protection and two, for the protection of everyone else. To my disbelief there are still those who just blatantly refuse to wear it. Their reasoning; they just don’t want to live their life in ‘fear’. I think sometimes we need a little healthy fear and abide by the restrictions that the Health Care Professionals put in place for our protection. I believe that someone who refuses to wear a mask are just being selfish, careless and inconsiderate of others. I certainly don’t feel that all those who are wearing a mask are living in fear but they just have a lot of common sense. So I will ‘suck it up’ and wear my mask without complaint, it’s the least I can do.

I know right now the media, example ‘Bell Let’s Talk’, are encouraging those who are finding the stress and anxiety of the  pandemic is affecting their mental health and they are finding life very difficult. And I totally agree, talking is great therapy and is certainly a means to help each other through these tough days. But I guess there are sometimes, exceptions to every rule. Just yesterday, I was having a really tough day, how I was feeling was unexplainable but it was not good. I was desperately fighting to just cope, to just survive the day. And talking to someone was the last thing I wanted to do; I just wanted to close the door on everyone and just crawl inside myself. I know this was not right but talking wasn’t on the top of my list of coping. So, don’t do as I do but do as I say and talk to someone!

I believe the most trigger provoking restriction of this whole pandemic is, social distancing/living in a bubble.  Not being able to spend time with friends and not having a social life is just killing me. The things that once I took for granted, I now crave to do. Just being able to go to the grocery store and smile at the passing customers or stopping and having a chat to a friend we just bumped into. And then just not being able to hug those we meet. Those little things aren’t little anymore, they play havoc on our mental health, even when we don’t realize they are. But for me, getting out, socializing, interacting with others, sharing with others, were all therapy for my mental health. Those were things I desperately craved to help bring me through my dark days. But because of this pandemic I am very limited to what I can do.

We are so blessed here in Newfoundland and Labrador compared to others parts of Canada and the World. But we certainly can’t afford to let our guard down. It’s because of our abiding to the restrictions of Covid19, that I believe have helped to flatten the curve and keep our numbers down. So thanks to our Government and Health Care Professionals for doing such an amazing job. I believe our protection and well being were their top priority and they have to be commended.

One day, hopefully, we will be able to look back on this nightmare and thank God that it did not kill us but we survived. My heart goes out to the tens of thousands that have died because of this deadly virus; worldwide. To those we will never forget, to the families who are still grieving their loss, beyond sad! Even to this very day, we are far from being home free! Still this pandemic sweeps through the earth and taking thousands of lives with it. One day, just one day, maybe just CA one day, we will be free again. I believe we will never be the same again, in this generation, but we will learn once again to live a ‘New Normal’.

 

 

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2020; A Year We Would Not Soon Forget

January 20, 2017 was my first post to my blog; www.harrislisa72.com. Life & Times Of  “The Tuckers”. ‘Living with severe depression and anxiety. Raising a child with cerebral palsy. The ups and downs of life; the rain and the sunshine’. A form of therapy that brought me through many very dark days. And here I am, January 2, 2021; posting again. Never in my life did I think this blog would last for years and would eventually be published into a book. And may I go further and say, books (two at the least). I can always dream; dreams do come true. This, I feel, will be a cause to pause from writing about my illness. As therapeutic as blogging has been for me, it has also been exhausting and draining; I’ve been misunderstood, stigmatized, traumatized and ridiculed. But that came with no surprise to me; it’s what having a mental illness does to a person. But I still had to write the truth, no matter what. What was meant to start out as therapy for myself, also became a means to help others, through my own experiences with a mental illness. I learned that, much like everything in life, we cannot change the world; nor did I think I could. But I did think I could help one person at a time. And if that meant putting my heart and soul into my writing (raw & honest) then I was willing to do so.  If it meant helping someone else, to save one life, then I was successful in what I set out to do.

In 2012, I had my last relapse, and was told by my doctor that I would not be going back to work; if ever. And here I am in 2021, still fighting my disabling, crippling, tormenting illness; an illness that has left me fighting for that one ‘good day’. But inside this physical body a war is still raging against my mental health. Over the past few years, life has introduced many triggers, many uphill climbs, many times when I just had to crawl. But I fight with what I have and there are times when that may not be much. But I fight!

When I look back over the past year, and wonder how I survived, I really am in awe that I am doing as well as I am. The year was filled with much sadness, loss, sickness, discouragement and I could go on, but what amazes me the most, is that we are still fighting; fighting against all odds.

When Lauren was diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy in 2014, we knew we were going to encounter many challenges and obstacles; but we had no idea just how many; it was one thing after another, there was no end. We were told, when she was around one year old, that her vision was affected, they just couldn’t tell us just how much she was seeing. Being the naïve parents we were, we just  thought,  when she gets a little older she’ll just need glasses and that’ll take care of her vision. We were so wrong again.  When she was referred to the CNIB (Canadian National Institute for the Blind), we were literary in shock. We realized then that Lauren’s vision was not going to be corrected with a pair of glasses. My God, how were we going to get through this? How were we going to accept this? Sometimes you just don’t have a choice. Then she was referred to APSEA (Atlantic Provinces Education Authority) in March 2020. Their findings were what led to her being diagnosed with CVI (Cortical Visual Impairment). This has more to do with how the brain is interpreting what the eye is seeing. There is no cure per se. With intervention, improvement is possible, but not a lot of hope, in my opinion.

The year, 2020, began with Lisa’s surgery on March 16. This surgery was supposedly a routine surgery that would only require an overnight stay in the hospital. However, due to complications resulting from the surgery, Lisa was rushed back into the OR for emergency , life-saving surgery on March 17. This surgery resulted in  her being put in ICU on a ventilator, fighting for her life.

And if that weren’t  bad enough, the hospital was now on lockdown due to the worldwide pandemic of the Covid19 virus. Lisa had to experience this all alone because there were no visitors allowed in the hospital;  not even her distraught husband. You talk about an hell on earth, and that was exactly what we were experiencing. Lisa stayed in the hospital for eight days. Once released, we thought we were on the road to recovery; so we thought. To make a long story short, within five months Lisa was back in the hospital from August 23- September 3, due to more complications from that first surgery back in March 16, 2020; a nightmare for us all, especially our two children, Logan & Lauren.

Then, once Lisa was back home and settled in again, she had to find the courage to tell me that my sweet niece, Tonya, had suddenly passed away. Shock, grief and bereavement totally shot me down! The feeling of disbelief consumed my mind. How could this be? She was so young! Our whole family was lost in a sea of grief. A part of all of us was missing; that piece of your heart that you hold close to you, had now gone to Heaven.

It seemed like the year could not get any worse, but the pandemic was sweeping the world! Schools were closed for the remainder of the school year. Lisa was pretty much out of commission; what was supposed to initially be a six week recovery period, ended up to be a full year for recovery. And, here we were with a child that had CP, requiring 24/7 care; care that we had to provide on our own.  All the while, we continued to try to give our nine year old little boy as normal a life as possible.  In spite of it all, he was a trooper and we are so proud of him.

I had to believe that God was in the midst of all this chaos, because this was something we could not handle in our human strength. I prayed for God’s strength, comfort and protection to make it through these most trying times. He was and is faithful!                                                                                                                         

 

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The Year I Died

In 2012 someone died. That someone was me. Something changed that year that I have fought to resurrect, fought to bring that person back to life; to resuscitate. It’s now 2020 and I’m still trying to find that person who died. My spirit died, my enthusiasm, my zest for life died. Some days are worse then others but this week as left me feeling numb, no motivation; I’m still missing me. And I don’t like the one that’s left behind.

The new me is in a constant struggle to survive. The fighting as left me exhausted, tired and numb. I find it so hard to feel happiness, especially since that’s all I want. I believe happiness is something you shouldn’t have to fight for but should come naturally. And after all these years I thought I would be at a much better place of improvement with my mental health. But it’s like I’m still fighting to keep me alive. Still fighting to resuscitate that lifeless me.

I remember back in 2012, my wife Lisa, described me as a ‘walking corpse’. I’m sure I’ve improved pass that acute stage but it’s been a battle I fought every day. How much can one person fight and how long can a person fight before they come to a breaking point? That’s the question I’ve asked myself during the pass few weeks.

This year as brought many challenges and obstacles for everyone. The worldwide Covid19 pandemic itself as added so much stress and anxiety to us all. But for us, those living with a mental illness, this pandemic as been a trigger and frightening experience and many have found it hard to cope. I’ve certainly had my moments that’s for sure. At times when my wife Lisa was hospitalized for three surgeries in less then a year. Then Lauren with her already comprised immune system was hospitalized for cerebral palsy related issues. And our son, Logan, was thrown around in all this chaos and turmoil; a strong but worried little boy, dealing with issues that no little boy should not have to face.

So in the midst of a world that was so frightening, unpredictable and isolated, I felt the pressure of having to survive. There were days I thought I would crumble but I knew I had to be resurrected to get through this yet another life changing crisis. I knew that if I crumbled we were doomed and I could not let it happen. I was reminded of the safety regulations repeated by a flight attendant on an airline prior to take off. And it was advice that I had to use during this very stressful time. The flight attendant would say, ‘In the event of a drop in cabin pressure; air masks will be released from above your heads. If you are travelling with infants, small children, seniors or anyone requiring assistance with their mask; put on your own mask FIRST!’ And that’s what I had to do, put on my own mask first and  then I would be equipped to help those that were in my care. I was resuscitated once again.

Maybe the year to come will be my year to be resurrected. The year I come back to life! For everyone’s sake, I need to return, I need to be there for my family, in every way. I pray for strength, wisdom and endurance to press on, to never give up. To live again!

 

 

 

 

 

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War of the Mind

It’s been months now since I have written a blog, July 25,2020 to be exact (www.harrislisa72.com). I just felt there was nothing else to say. Not sure if that meant I had written all I needed to write about mental illness or if my illness had built a roadblock in my mind. A wall that I could not break through, maybe more the latter.

I became a prisoner in my own mind. So many things that I found enjoyment in, things that were not just  hobbies for me but life saving therapy. I wanted so desperately to engage in again but I could not, although I yearned within me to be able. But I just could not. I felt myself spiralling down that dark hole of depression. But I knew I had to rescue myself from that crippling, disabling hole of  despair. But how? It felt that my thought process could not function to come up with a plan. I couldn’t write anymore, words could  not describe what I was  feeling. The one thing that brought me some healing therapy, I felt I couldn’t do anymore; blogging! And thus months went by and I didn’t blog my thoughts. I was frozen in time; speechless.

Everything seemed so overwhelming again. The things in reality that were so small to perform, now seemed like a mountain, a mountain I felt I just could not climb. Days went by and I fought to make each one matter. Some  days I did better then others. I was in survival mode. And survive I did, in spite of what my broken mind was telling me.

Many associate mental illness with weakness but I have learned over the years that people with a mental illness are some of the strongest people I know. I am strong (if I  weren’t, I would never survive this hellish disease of the mind) but I am tired. I’m tired of fighting just to be okay, something maybe that others know nothing about. But I know there are others out there that know and feel exactly what I’m saying.

We live in a world where we are expected to be happy and positive all the time. If we show our true self, our true feelings, then we are viewed as being different and strange. And of course this is where stigma, prejudice and discrimination comes in. But it’s perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared or anxious. Having these feelings doesn’t make you a ‘negative person’. It makes you human. So I guess I’m human after all because I have certainly dealt with all these feelings. Being depressed doesn’t mean you are negative, it means you are not okay, your ‘happy’ is just not there.

I won’t lie to you and tell you life is easy, it’s not. And when you have a mental illness, everything in life is intensified to the extreme. Just going to the grocery store requires so much mental energy, you have to push yourself out the door. Your mind is telling you; you can’t do this. But you know you have to because if you surrender to your thoughts then your illness will consume you. And you eventually would become ‘paralyzed’ and be forever controlled by your thoughts.

So let’s fight this battle together, we are not alone. You can do this, I can do this. Do I always win this war of the mind, of course not, I’m human. There are days when I have no choice but to give in. But there’s one thing I know, I will not give up! When those really rough days come, I remind myself that I can get through this; one second, one minute, one hour at a time. Remember to be kind to yourself, you are worth it and  so am I!

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A Little Nudge

Months, weeks, days have passed, like a feather in the wind; here one second, gone the next. It’s like I went in hiding and I guess in one way I did. I loss interest and motivation in everything, anything I did was forced. Mental illness raised it’s ugly head and held me in it’s grip and wouldn’t let me go.

I had a therapy plan, a plan that I created to help me through the days of depression and anxiety. It certainly wasn’t a cure but for the most part it worked or helped at least. With depression and anxiety, you don’t pick and choose what day or days you are not going to be well; it just happens! Some days are fairly good while others could be torturous. And then there are those times when you just shut down, as it were.

I painted for sanity sake but what brought me peace turned into turmoil. I couldn’t hold my brush and still can’t but I know I will again, when the time is right. But right now painting is just too overwhelming. Ironic isn’t it, what once brought me peace and enjoyment; now scares me to death. This is what I call; mental illness!

Another part of my homemade therapy plan was, I played two fictional characters; live on Facebook. I loved it, it was fun, I enjoyed making others laugh. And I believe it took all our minds off the dreaded pandemic of the corona virus, that had shut down our world. But then, just like a light went out, I couldn’t do it anymore. No matter how much I wanted to perform; I couldn’t. Depression destroys who you are and you have very little control over it. I fought everyday and still fighting to keep going. With this illness there is no rest for the weary; you are in a constant battle to have some form of normalcy. But some days I just don’t win; I trust.

And lastly, my therapy plan included writing my blog (www.harrislisa72.com). Today is the first time I’ve held my pen for weeks or maybe months. I had so much to say, so much hurt to release, so much discouragement to share but I could not! The pain I felt could not be written. But today I feel it’s time to write. There are so many that are hurting, in pain and feel alone. I just want to encourage you that you can get through whatever it is you are experiencing today.  Our pain and tribulations may be great but ‘God is Greater!’

Over the years of struggling with this illness, I’ve had many reasons to give up, to give in and just call it quits. But I have not, with God’s help. I’m reminded many days of Job’s wife in Job 2:9 when she said to Job after he had endured many afflictions, losses, tribulations. She said, ‘…curse God, and die.’ But Job’s reply was, no matter what he had to endure; he said, ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.’ So no matter what we are experiencing, no matter how long we’ve been afflicted; we still have to trust in Him. He will bring us through.

I believe that God could have healed me a thousand times over but He didn’t choose to. He has another plan, something I cannot see, but that’s what having trust is; placing my life in His hands, knowing that He is in control. Because God as allowed me to go on in my illness for years, I have reason to be angry, to feel abandoned, forsaken and to question God. But I know that I cannot feel this way, it would serve no purpose and destroy the faith that I do have.  So no matter what happens I will still trust in Him and I will endure onto the end.

Then to add fuel to the fire the worldwide pandemic, the corona virus or covid-19, invaded the world. Now I knew I was in real trouble, anyone suffering from mental illness, any major change could bring on a relapse or intensify, your already existing symptoms. Then came the guidelines by the NL Government to contain and stop the spread of this deadly virus. Some of these guidelines were the complete opposite of what I needed to help keep my mental health under control. The guidelines that bothered me the most was, ‘stay home’ limiting contact with others to my immediate household bubble. I know all of the guidelines were for my good but for me it brought on panic, fear  and isolation. And then there was social distancing, I love touch, hugging and here I was being told to keep my distance of six feet. This was rough and is still rough today because this nightmare is not over, no matter how much we think it is.

I pray my blogs are, an encouragement and a little nudge to go on. I know there are so many days that going on is the last thing we feel like doing. No matter what your pain is, no matter what you are going through; you got this! As tough as it is, you can do it!

 

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A Bad Day

The sound of morning whispers in my ears. I don’t want to hear it’s haunting sounds because I know before my eyes open that this is going to be a not so good day, in other words, a bad day! Lord, how can I cope with another mesmerizing day; exhaustion and fatigue weigh heavily on my whole being. Brain fog, envelopes my whole head and every thought as to pass through a cloud of dense fog. The fog distorts each thought and nothing makes sense. I’m going to have a bad day (that’s not speculating) and yet the day hasn’t  begun.

But maybe this once I’ll be wrong; I wish that were the case. But I know before my eyes open, what my day will be. It doesn’t matter if everything that happens today is positive and good; that will not change how I’m feeling. My mental illness dictates what the day will be. I have no real way to describe what this illness feels like because there are no words that can really do it justice. If you have read my blog at www.harrislisa72.com, you’ll know I have practically used every word in the English language to try and describe how this mental illness feels. And I may come close but it seems impossible to describe something that you cannot touch. Much like an artist trying to capture an evening sunset; but doing so with eyes closed.

It’s one of the most difficult things I have to do; to admit that I’m having a bad day. A bad day brings with it, much emotional distress, now for a fifty-five year  old man to admit that there is literally water/tears running from my eyes.,  takes courage and strength. I have no desire to do anything and what I do, takes much effort. And then there is the shame that comes with  having a bad day. Having to admit to others that you are having a not so good day, can be embarrassing and shameful. But it’s all part of the illness; it is what it is.;

The past several weeks have been horrible, a nightmare in itself. Something from a Stephen King horror movie. The world was introduced to ‘the virus’ that basically shut down the world. The outbreak originated in China and spread from there. As of March 13, 2020, there were nearly 148,000 cases globally and more than 81,000 cases in China, with cases in every continent except Antarctica. Scientists are continuing to study the virus and work on treatments, including a vaccine. The actual name of the virus is covid19 or coronavirus. All our lives have been turned upside down and forever changed. We had to learn a new language as it were; new words were introduced on a daily basis. Such terminology as; social distancing, self isolation, pandemic, asymptomatic (no symptoms),symptomatic (exhibiting symptoms), flattening the curve, bubble, double bubble, etc.. This one thing we know and that is, Covid19 is a pandemic that as touched us all, not just Canada, but the world. On May 7,2020 the total cases of covid19 in Canada was 63,895.

When you suffer from mental illness; any extra stress or change in your life, can trigger and bring to life  many symptoms of my illness. The pass few weeks have been no doubt, very challenging,  unpredictable and uncertain due to the coronavirus. It has certainly taken it’s toll on my mental health. For our protection against this virus, the  Government as implemented various guidelines to stop the spread of the virus. I know these guidelines are for our own good but for someone suffering from a mental illness, some of these restrictions are exactly what we have been told by our own physicians, not to do, in order to improve our own mental health. An example of this would be to ; stay home, self distancing and self isolation. To which I totally carry out, but it sure as played havoc on my mental well being. When trying to improve your mental health, isolation is not something we need. We are encouraged to be around people, to get out of the house as much as possible. But this virus as  kept us from doing just that and therefore it can increase our depression and anxiety. Virtual media helps but it certainly isn’t the same as human touch and personal interaction. But I totally understand that we have to follow the guidelines set out for us, in order to stop the spread of this pandemic.

It’s evening now, the darkness of the night wraps me like a warm, cozy blanket. Night is my friend, my time of reprieve, my escape. I have fought my battles of the day and survived. But this doesn’t happen without a price, fatigue and exhaustion leave me lifeless. Medication aids in closing my weary eyes and shutting down my tormented mind. I pray for peace and calm as I drift off into another world.

 

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No Explanation is Possible

Being an advocate for mental illness will surely never bring you; ‘Citizen of the Year Award.’ Quite the contrary really, it’s an illness that is not viewed as an ‘illness’ but to many, a weakness, a character flaw. But I want to bring the truth about this illness to light. It is my determination to break down the walls of stigma and ignorance, that surround mental illness. I do realize there are those who will never truly understand the full extent of this illness and that’s okay, but I write for those who know exactly what I’m talking about.

It seems like forever that I’ve been living with this illness, a lifetime. It’s strange how some view mental illness with a time limit attached. If you’re suffering from depression then in two or three months you’ll be better. Yes and for some that can be true; if that depression is diagnosed as mild. But what if you are “living with”, yes I mean everyday, a chronic, major, clinical depression; it doesn’t just go away. There’s nothing I would want more but its not a choice. Not unlike someone living with diabetes or some other chronic illness, we have to learn to live with and manage it’s symptoms on a daily basis. The illness comes with so much stigma, misunderstanding, misconceptions and ignorance and the only way to fight back is by speaking out. By speaking out, I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor! A quote by Alex Elle sums it up nicely; ‘You’re not a victim for sharing your story, you are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth and  raging courage.’ When I’m having a really bad day, that light is pretty dim (but it is still there), my warmth is fairly cool but not cold and my raging courage is dwindled to a faint spark (remember it only takes a spark to get a fire going). But do I give up? No, I keep going, no matter what. By not giving up, that is what makes me strong when I am weak, hopeful when I am hopeless, fearless when I am fearful and a strength that keeps going. And if I can do this, you can too! I believe in you!

Throughout the past years of my illness, I have openly shared every aspect of my mental illness through my blog; www.harrislisa72.com. If you would like to learn more about mental illness and gain a better understanding, become more educated on the topic and open your minds to this silent, stigmatized and misunderstood illness. Then please read my blogs on mental illness. This quote sums up what I’ve been trying to say, ‘For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.’ And that’s where I’ll leave it!