On March 14th,2017 it was Logan’s 6th Birthday! What a blast! He’s become quite the man. His theme for the party was Star Wars.
Lauren’s Benefit Breakfast
On March 11,2017 the generous people of Triton held a Benefit Breakfast for Lauren. They raised over $3200.00. Our hearts are overwhelmed once again with gratitude and thanks. It’s times like this you realize how good people are! Lauren and her family want to say thank you from the bottom of our hearts! 
What I’ve Learned About Depression
Depression is not the same for everyone. My symptoms of depression could be totally different then someone elses. My most prominent symptoms were uncontrollable emotion , sadness and hopelessness. Someone else’s could be totally different.
The duration of my depression could be different then someone else. Some people may only experience depression for a few months and may never experience it again. But others like myself may experience depression for long periods of time. My first episode was when I was sixteen and up until my last episode, I had several throughout my lifetime. But I always seemed to manage to crawl out of the dark hole and live a functional life. Up until 4-5 years ago (I’m 52 now) I experienced the worst episode of my life. It was an episode where I was totally shut down as it were. This does not mean that everyone will experience what I did and I pray they never will. I still struggle to this day; not to the extreme that I did at the beginning of my breakdown, but I still struggle.
Medication doesn’t always work for everyone. I was treatment resistant, so medication did not always work for me. It took years (2-3) for me to find something that remotely alleviated some of my symptoms. Nothing was a cure! I am still not back to a functioning level where I could live a “normal” life. My depression is not what you would say to be “under control”. So I have to fight every day to have some form of normalcy to my life.
Depression can destroy your life, that’s why you have to fight for your life! And there are days when you feel like that fight is depleted. It can destroy relationships, marriages and friendships. Some people cannot cope with this dreaded disease and just “run”. They can’t take it anymore. For caregivers of someone with mental illness this is very common. The stress, the strain and the strength it takes just becomes too overwhelming. Everyone has a breaking point.
There is no one exempt from depression. If you have this gene, if this is a part of your anatomy or its inherited through your family bloodline then you can exercise til the cows come home, do yoga til it’s coming out your ears or think positive thoughts until they come out of your yen yang(wherever that is). If you are prone to have depression, then you will. But learning to live with it is a must. Doing all those things I mentioned will certainly help, I’m just saying they will not cure you. Sometimes I believe that accepting it relieves some of the strain of living with depression. Because fighting “all of the time” can leave you lifeless. It’s like a car, if you keep going, the gasoline will eventually run out.
Not everyone will understand your illness, they just won’t “get it”. Don’t even waste your time trying. Surround yourself with people that do. Don’t be shocked when you encounter someone close to you, whom you thought would understand but didn’t . Some people , especially if they haven’t encountered depression or any mental illness, just won’t get it. That’s no reflection on you but on their ignorance ( not knowing). And just leave it at that!
Life is not on a plateau or a level plane. It is more like a roller coaster. Everybody experiences ups and downs. Those dealing with depression probably have more downs then ups. But we have to realize it’s all a part of life. The good, the bad, the ugly. So whether we suffer from depression or not; we will have ups and downs to our moods. Just remember when you are experiencing a up; enjoy it to the fullest.
In conclusion , everyone’s journey is different! For some people medication is a must. For others, long term psychotherapy might be the answer. Whatever works! What I am suggesting is that everyone has a path to healing and the main thing is to find it and never give up!
Continue reading “What I’ve Learned About Depression”
Lauren says, Thank you!
The traditional African Proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child”, has just recently been reenacted in an amazing outpouring of kindness. It’s simple really; Lauren Tucker, a 3 year old little girl, diagnosed with cerebral palsy; along with her family, needed help purchasing a wheelchair accessible van. Special thanks goes out to The President’s Choice Children’s Charity for their monumental $20 000 contribution! Yet, without at least an additional $20 000, the dream could not materialize.
However, we, Harris, Lisa, Logan and Lauren Tucker, are ecstatic to report that because of overwhelming support from local businesses and generous individuals, we have reached, and even slightly surpassed, our $20 000 goal!
We have purchased a 2015 fully wheelchair accessible Dodge Grand Caravan in brand new-like condition! This vehicle provides much comfort and peace of mind, especially on frequent highway trips to Janeway appointments!
The monies received beyond our goal, help to cover registration and insurance, as well as much needed mobility aids and other costly physiotherapy equipment that Lauren frequently requires.
The sticker on the back of our van has these words, “This wheelchair accessible van was purchased by LOVE”. Thank you seems insufficient, but from the bottom of our hearts, we realize the blessing it is to be part of such a compassionate community of family, friends and yes, even strangers who have banded together in support of our family!
Alone, our van would still be a dream. Because of Lauren’s village’s investment in raising a child, the African Proverb came true, once again, and the dream has become an amazing reality! Continue reading “Lauren says, Thank you!”
Relapse Prevention
Depression like addiction is an ongoing chronic condition that is subject to repeated episodes. My first episode was when I was only sixteen , I remember very little about this time. I do remember I spent most of my time asleep and could not function. Totally shut down. I also remember going to the doctor and have him send me home with no help whatsoever. He just said, “there is no medications available for teenagers or youth. There was no help, I had to sink or swim and I was sinking fast; drowning in my own despair!
Recovery from depression is not a one time event, it is an ongoing process. Getting out of depression happens in two stages; 1. You have to get out of hell, 2. You have to stay out of hell. The best way to prevent a relapse is to closely monitor your own feelings and mood.
The beginning stage of a relapse is disruption of sleep, appetite change, more tired, worrying, apathetic, etc. Being aware of these early signs and nipping them in the bud, before they escalate into something worse is a must.
The second stage of a relapse is called “beginning of a crisis” when things are shutting down. When symptoms are interfering with your everyday functioning. Reach out for support; call your doctor, your therapist or anyone you know that can help you through this. This stage is my greatest fear because you feel like you are loosing control again. And you are heading back to that ugly place where you never want to go again. This stage doesn’t necessarily mean that’s where you’re headed. It’s your body and mind saying, “you come first, take care of yourself”. Before you ever get to stage three you need to be proactive.
This is stage three where you don’t want to be ever again. But if you do, don’t loose hope! You will get through this; you’ve done this before. This is where you can’t function anymore, you become disabled; a full blown relapse. It’s here you may need to go back in the hospital. Or have someone to take care of you at home. But you will pull through this again. Just don’t give up the fight,never loose hope.
Throughout my lifetime I have had many second stage relapses or episodes as I would call them. Where I became very depressed and required medical attention. A visit to my doctor usually to tweek my medication and in a few months I’m doing fairly well again. Most of those times I am still at a functioning level. I ran my own business for about 28 years. Take a few days off,here and there, and do a lot of self-talk, family and friends support and pray.
My last episode was a full blown relapse where I was hospitalized, various treatments, medications and a period of time when I didn’t want to fight anymore; I just wanted to die. It as taken me four years to crawl out of this abyss. To say the least this as been a battlefield of the mind. I have fought with every ounce of strength I have.
These pass few days have been very fearful for me; it’s my greatest fear in life that I would relapse. I’ve been doing fairly well for the last few months. But this week as been rough, I am feeling more emotional than usual, uneasy, a feeling that you know inside that something is just not right. You have to push yourself more than usual. I’m hoping that it’s a trigger that I’m facing and not a full blown relapse. You see our dog, Brady, passed away a few days ago and maybe what I’m feeling is grief and loneliness. He was not “just” a dog, he was a part of our family for twelve years. So I pray to God, in all His mercy, that He will not put me through a relapse ever again. And that I will overcome this battle once again! Maybe this is just a bump in the road.
Does Mental Illness Change Who You Are?
Am I the same person I was before I became severely ill? No and neither are you. None of us are; we are forever evolving. There are times when I look back and wish I were that person again but that’s not going to happen. And that is probably for the best. Maybe my experience through my illness as made me an even better person; more understanding, compassionate and more aware of myself and others around me.
But the part of me that wants that old person back (the person before my illness) is the part of me that didn’t have to fight to be happy, I didn’t have to put on a front or a forced smile, it just happened. Although I am at a better stage in my illness, I still struggle everyday to be “well”. And also that little voice in my subconscious that reminds me every day that my life can change in a second. My greatest fear; a relapse! But I can’t live in fear that that’s going to happen. I have to be aware of my illness everyday and be conscious of my mental well being and never let my guard down. If that’s what’s required to keep me mentally healthy then that’s what I’ll do.
I am now at a crucial stage of my recovery; sometimes I think it’s a more dangerous stage then my acute stage. It’s a time when you have a tendency to let your guard down and with this illness; everyday is a work in progress. You have to constantly keep your mind in the moment and never forget where you came from. Things can change; your circumstances, your everyday routines, life struggles, positive and negative stresses. Any of these things can trigger a setback. And that can put your mind in a spin and panic can set in rather quickly. But remind yourself that nobody as a perfect day, life comes with it’s ups and downs, good and bad…. a roller coaster ride. But because we have a bad day doesn’t mean we have to head back to the psychic ward. This too shall pass!
There is one thing I’ve learned and that is people are watching. Now that can add extra stress to your day but it’s best to concentrate on your own well being and not get caught up in what others think or say. It’s only you that knows what’s going on, on the inside. Too bad we can’t wear our illness on our foreheads, that way people would not have to surmise how you are feeling. As with other illnesses, you can visually see how that person is doing but dangerously with mental illness; you cannot see, everything may look fine on the outside.
Yes, I have changed, but that doesn’t mean I’m not the same person but in a different way. The illness itself as taken its toll on me both mentally and physically. But I live everyday with what I have, some days good,other days not so good. I work with what I have; strength/ weakness, positivity / negativity, courage / fear, whatever it may be ; I do it because I have to.
I now look at life in an whole new perspective . I don’t take one second for granted. Life is so unpredictable, tragedy or sickness can change your life without a moments notice. What we choose to do with it can make all the difference. It can make us bitter or better. I strive everyday to be that better person.
Change is a part of life. And yes I have changed and I hope you can accept that change in me. I’m trying to be the best of my ability to be the best person I can be with what I have. Take me for who I am at this moment, for the people that have been with me through this change, please remember; we have all changed. Embrace the change and go with it. It’s not a bad thing! Change is inevitable in all of us!
A Van for Lauren Benefit Gospel Concert
My Survival Guide for Depression, Anxiety and Panic Attacks.
Self-talk
Talk to yourself, no that doesn’t mean you’re crazy. You help your depression by telling yourself that you will get through this, there is always hope. Use positive affirmations; mine was and still is; ‘one day, one hour, one minute at a time’. Keep your thoughts in the moment; not in the past and not in the future. All you have is right here, right now, this very moment, nothing else. The past is gone, the future you have no control over; what you have is this moment right now. When you are feeling very anxious or having a panic attack; remind yourself that this will not last forever, ride out the storm; it will pass. Remember to breath and concentrate on your breathing, when your mind wanders to other thoughts, bring it back to your breathing. Before you know it you will be calm again. Always tell yourself that these feelings, sensations, and thoughts will not harm you; you will get through this and eventually they will get fewer and fewer. So again, you can talk your way through this, it really works. You are stronger then you think!
Medication
If you are on medication, make sure you take it around the same time everyday and try never to miss a dose. Mornings are the worse and hardest for me, so I make sure it’s then I take my medication. Taking your medication gives you a sense of, you’re doing something to make this better. Medication right now as helped me and I would not be without it. I even carry a small portion in a little pillcase and put it in my pocket everyday; just in case. Again it just eases my mind just knowing that I have it close by. So always take your medication; no excuses!
Support
People with mental illness most often have a tendency to isolate themselves from everyone. This is not a good practice, you will need support from others. A good place to start is family and close friends; be very cautious here because not everyone will “get it” or understand what you are going through. But you will get to know who does and who doesn’t. So concentrate on those that does. Social media can help; You Tube as helped me a lot, one guy in particular called bignoknow; just do a search, he has been where we are and totally gets it. Also the NL Government as a website called “Bridging the Gap” that can be a source of support. Most importantly, seek out someone you can talk to who as been down this road before and have survived! People cross our paths, not by chance, but for a reason. I was just recently approached by a man who heard my story and told me a little about his. I’ve seen this person around and I would never have suspected that he suffered from a mental illness that is so parallel to mine. It encouraged me so much to know that I am not alone, that there are definitely others who have been where I am and have survived. And I will too and so will you! I also find support through my church; a church family gives you the feeling of belonging and surrounds you with people who care.
Meditation/Prayer
This is one battle in your life that you will and cannot fight alone. No medication, talk theraphy, no doctor will cure you. You will have to turn to someone greater. You will have to rely on an higher power and for me that is God. For me, meditation and prayer went hand in hand. Time alone when you can talk, plead and seek God’s help and strength. Without Him I would not be where I am today. So trust even when your faith is small. Pray! Pray! Pray!
Exercise
This doesn’t mean you have to run a marathon. It just means you have to get up and move, even when you don’t feel like it. I remember when I was really sick my doctor recommended that I start of with a five minute walk. Even that was a lot when I was so acutely ill. But everything in baby steps, I gradually worked up to thirty minutes. But just getting out of the house and getting some fresh air into your lungs can make you feel a little better.
Routine & Structure
Lastly, you have to have routine and structure to your day. Just get up, dress up and show up; my motto for each day. Get up and make your bed, wash dishes, do laundry, anything to make you feel you are contributing and accomplishing something. Also, outside things like; go grocery shopping, this can seem impossible to do but gradually work into it. Maybe go to the Post Office. It’s the little things that help. Also as part of your daily routine; you can start journaling. Write down your thoughts and feelings in a book. Just getting it out on paper can make you feel a little better; a release. Just don’t think about doing something, do it!
Hopefully this guide will help in some way. I wish there were more I could do to take away the pain, despair, hopelessness and struggle that I know you are having because I have been there and still struggles today but I am doing much better. Remember; one day, one hour, one minute at a time. WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS!
Logan’s Yellow Stripe Tae Kwon Do Graduation
Sitting on The Knee of Jesus! By Lisa
I have seen many versions of this image of Jesus bidding the children to come to Him, despite the disciples’ intent to spare Him from the extra fatigue, after an already tiring day.
This particular portrayal is my favourite by far. You see, in my imagination, I see the little girl, sitting nearest to Jesus’ heart, as representing all the precious ‘Laurens’ of the world. I even allow myself to note a slight turn in her legs, tilt of her head and her comfort found from holding Jesus’ hand.
I’ve wondered, in my sometimes overthinking mind, how Jesus could have possibly decided who got to sit on his knee. I think I’ve finally figured it out.
There had to have been ‘Laurens’ there that day. Those little ones needing just a little extra from Jesus. He loved and blessed each one of them, in turn, making provision for ALL to get to where He was. Little Lauren was not left out; rather she got to sit on the knee of the very One who had the power to offer her the special blessing that was just for her!!
I’m so thankful for the knee of Jesus and acknowledge the very special place it is!